When choosing to start this blog, I knew that I wanted to write about my experience following RIE and motherhood in general. I wanted to share the good and the bad. So far I have shared success stories: how I change my son’s diaper respectfully, how we communicate, how I feed him, etc. But not everything that I try works right away.

My last post was about baby-led play. One of the greatest things about baby-led play is that it promotes independent play. This is also one of the hardest things to implement.

Toddlers and kids generally have times during the day that they play on their own… but what about babies? I can’t tell you how often my mommy friends are telling me they can’t even leave the room without their baby crying for them to return. Top that with some typical separation anxiety around the 9 month mark… and you basically find yourself doing nothing during the day but being with your little one.

Since finding RIE however, I have been slowly but surely building my son’s ability to independently play.

I started with short bursts of me being gone.

“Franky, I am going to throw something away and I’ll be back in 1 minute.”

I would leave the room, return, and most of the time he wouldn’t even notice my absence. Most of the time. There were times where he definitely did not like the fact that I was leaving, but I left anyway. It is ok for him to dislike what I am doing, and to tell me. In fact, it is healthy for him to get those feelings out so we can both move on.

So then I increased these outings to bathroom breaks.

“Franky, I am going to use the bathroom, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Again I would leave and generally he would continue playing.

Sweet… it’s working!

Next came showers. At first I was hesitant because let’s be real, showers can range from 5 minutes to 20 minutes depending on the day, mood, time, last meal Franky had, etc. But I wanted to promote his ability to play on his own, and I really hated scheduling my showers based on when my husband was home or after my son was asleep.

So yesterday morning, I tried it. I try to keep everything about his morning ritual the same. He woke up, I breastfed him, let him explore his window and some of the items on his dresser, changed his diaper, dressed him, and to the floor we went to play with some objects. After a few minutes of watching him immersed in his play, I said “Franky, I am going to go shower. I will be back in about 10 minutes.”

I made sure to close the gate that leads downstairs. I closed our bedroom door and bathroom door. IF he would leave his room, he would be in a hallway with nowhere else to go. Safe enough?

After propping my phone with the camera so I could watch while showering, I jumped in. It felt like I was checking the camera every few seconds. But there he was, in his room, playing and reading his books.

I could feel myself rushing, but I stopped myself. I am allowed to take care of myself! I am allowed to take a few minutes to clean my body and feel refreshed.

I slowed down.

After my shower, I dried myself, put some clothes on, brushed my hair… Franky was still playing in his room.

I did it folks… I hit the baby lottery. I could go and shower every morning and my 10 month old would just play in his room. This was amazing!

So naturally, this morning, I tried it again.

He woke up, I breastfed him, let him explore his window and the items on his dresser, changed his diaper, dressed him, and we sat on the floor of his room with his toys.

“Franky, I am going to go shower. I will be back in about 10 minutes.”

Closed the gate.

Closed the doors in the hallway.

Jumped in the shower.

I checked the camera and Franky was leaving his room! Ok, maybe he will just check out the hallway, see no doors open and nowhere to go, and go back to his room?

Definitely not. He came to the bathroom door, could obviously hear me showering inside, and was banging on the door.

I kept showering, but definitely rushing this time. I yelled out that I hear him and will be done soon.

So, this was a failed attempt at independent play. I guess I have to either close his door so that he cannot leave his room, or put a gate on his door. But will this really fix anything?

We have a wooden play pen in the living room. It’s actually the one I had when I was a baby, and my mom kept it for me. This is the closest one I could find online to what I have (mine is slightly larger):

Anyway, this is perfect for creating a safe space for Franky to play when I need to run to the restroom or especially when I am cooking. We don’t live in a huge place. The kitchen, dining room, and living room is one big open area, so it is very hard to cook with Franky crawling around my feet.

When I need him to be in there, I always first go in with him. I wait a few minutes, just like in the morning when we are in his room, and then I tell him I am going to cook now.

There are times he plays in that play pen without a care in the world for me or anyone else. He will go from toy to toy or look at his books. Sometimes I finish dinner and my husband and I will eat, while Franky is still playing along. He might climb up to stand along the pen, see me or show me something he has in his hand, and then promptly return to his playing.

But there are also times that the moment I go to start cooking, he is standing, holding onto the pen, and just looking at me the entire time. He will whine and fuss for me to get him, but I just keep calmly letting him know that I am cooking and it is not safe for him in the kitchen.

So there is no perfect recipe for having your baby play on their own. I obviously haven’t mastered it. I can tell you that since learning about RIE and stepping back while my son plays (baby-led play), I have noticed that he will play on his own for much longer periods of time. It just doesn’t happen all the time. And that’s ok too.

I think it’s about give and take.

Most of the day, I am giving myself to my son. Even though I don’t play with him, I am still sitting with him and focusing on him. When he looks at me I will comment what I see or what object he has. I try to never touch my phone when he is awake. During diaper changes or feedings I talk to him and give him 100 % attention.

This behavior of giving attention to him most of the day, is what allows me then, to take. I take time for myself during the day. I take time to use the restroom or brush my hair. I take time to cook dinner. I occasionally take time to check my phone or return a few texts. And I’m not going to stop. I am not going to feel guilty for having moments of self-care. If we didn’t take these moments, we would go crazy. (and some moms do!)

So I do things for myself and my son is learning to confidently play on his own because he knows the rest of the time I will be there with him.

Give, and take.