Category: Parenting Aha Moments

you’re so smart & good job

Desere

You’re so smart!

How many teachers and parents say this phrase throughout their lifetime?

But there is a fundamental flaw in telling kids they are so smart.

My mentor was a big advocate of eliminating status in his classroom. Learning from him, I too attempted to create a classroom that was respectful of all ideas, one that pushed kids with different abilities to contribute their ideas.

Here is the problem with continuously telling a kid “you are so smart”. When they face something incredibly challenging and find themselves stuck, what are they going to think?

‘I am always told how smart I am, if I can’t do this it must mean I’m dumb.’

This is because they have a fixed mindset.

If, for example, a kid was told their whole life they are such a hard worker, what happens then when that kid is facing a challenging task?

‘Hmm, I must not be working hard enough.’

This is known as a growth mindset.

Tag jo boawler blogs and books

Tag article from facebook

…Yet

 

 

Good Job

When I wrote about finding RIE and the first time I let my son struggle, I described the situation when Franky kept trying to get to a ring that got stuck under his changing table. When he finally managed to get it free, I didn’t say “good job!” And here’s why

7 Alternatives to Telling Your Child “Good Job!”

In class story about G getting leg stuck

 

kid stuck one leg on ramp one in sandbox, unstuck, mom said good job

just say what you observe

imply stuck is bad?

and job,… this isnt job its play

Do you always need to cmoment?

No.

Only if kid looks at you

So while kid is playing.. You dont need to narrate every second every play by play

But when they look at you.. Thats when you can narrate. Thats where the organic language development comes in

 

“Watch baby thoroughly entertaining herself just by moving and learning her body. If she engages you or makes eye contact, be sure to verbally reflect what you see, i.e., “I saw that. You rolled to your back!” This is playing “with” a baby and connecting with her on her terms. 🙂

 

my journey in choosing homeschooling

Desere

For years I have immersed myself in the world of homeschooling. I read the works of Dr. Peter Gray and Alfie Kohn. I joined all the local homeschooling groups. I befriended many homeschooling families and met home educated children. As a former educator in the public school system and a mom, I have pretty strong feelings about how I believe children learn.

I was pretty convinced that I would follow this path and homeschool my own children when the time came.

But that didn’t happen.

Last January when the emails started pouring in about school registrations and when my friends began touring the schools around our homes, I joined in and began researching the schools in our area.

I was tired. At the time my boys were 5, 3.5, and 1 years old.

I really didn’t think that I could stay home and offer what I would ideally like to offer, if I were to homeschool my boys. I started to believe that my oldest, who would be entering kindergarten, would be better off once I send him away.

He would get to be with other children all day, every day.

He would have access to so many materials and resources.

He would go on field trips.

Furthermore, the schools around us are pretty great schools. I feel privileged to be not only in an area with so many high achieving schools, but also with the opportunity that I can school choice and attempt to get the school I like the most.

And the tours… well they did their job. I was sold.

So I enrolled him.

He happened to get in, by lottery, to the magnet STEM school in our district. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was, how great the school was.

So for 6 months I kept telling myself that.

Meanwhile there was a pit in my stomach growing. I was feeling anxious as the days crept on. I knew in my heart that I didn’t believe this was the best decision for us. But I kept on because I was afraid.

The fear of homeschooling.

The fear of being tired with 3 little ones all the time.

The fear of failure.

The fear of judgement if I chose to homeschool.

The fear of my family’s reactions.

Fear of the unknown. School is known. I went to public school. My husband went to public school. I taught at a public school. I KNOW what that looks like. Alternative learning… that is completely new to us.

Fear.

And if you have read some of my other posts you will know that fear based parenting stems from how we view children, and the inability to innately trust these unique little individuals.

Fast forward to this fall and school starting. Franky was entering his 3rd week of kindergarten and each day brought more and more doubts. I understood this was a new transition for him. He went from 6 years of having almost complete freedom of choice for where we went, how he played, how he moved his body, when he ate, etc. to a pretty rigid schedule. We had to go to school every day from 8:00am to 1:30pm. The bell rang and he had to wait in line. He was told to be quiet several times throughout his day. He was told to sit a certain way, and write a certain way. Even play with blocks a specific way.

To my son who was given a lot of freedom, this was incredibly jarring.

And I understood that this transition would be hard. I also trusted that he had the tools to master this transition. He wouldn’t always be tearful at drop off. He wouldn’t always look relieved to be coming home. He wouldn’t always have a full lunch box when coming home because he chose to play instead of eating. These things would pass the more we went and the more we got used to this new state of our lives.

My mentor teacher was telling me that he could master this situation and he could adapt. She told me even though his body is reluctant to enjoy this new situation, that he does have the resilience to persevere. He is testing the waters and seeing “who am I in this new place”. He will rise to the occasion.

He will own this new experience.

But that was just it.

I realized that I don’t WANT him to get used to this.

I don’t want my son to master this situation. I don’t want him to adapt. I don’t believe this is the best environment to cultivate learning.

So I pulled him out.

And now I sit and write this out to the world because I want others to see the tornado of emotions that can accompany a situation like this. I want others to know its ok to make a decision and then change your mind.

There are no big mistakes.

I know now that maybe I needed to send him to school, and to sit in as a parent volunteer in his class, and to sift through emails about homework and chromebooks… maybe I needed to have all this happen to lead me down this path of final awareness and clarity of what I want for our family.

I have stumbled and fumbled toward this path and I am excited to see where it leads. I am hoping to use this platform, one that I previously used to spread my understanding of the RIE approach to respectful parenting, to now spread my understanding of experiential learning.

What will my days look like with self directed education?

What am I hoping for in terms of my family?

Stay tuned…

who are playgrounds for?

Desere

playground

[pley-ground]

noun

an area used for outdoor play or recreation, especially by children

Playgrounds are for our children right?

Have you been to one recently? Go. And tell me if your observations match mine.

I see parents micro managing their children’s ‘enjoyment’ of the playground.

“Climb up there.”

“Go down the big slide.”

“Why don’t you play over here?”

I see care takers on their phones the entire time.

I see moms walking their toddlers up the structures.

I hear parents asking their kids if they can go home because they (the parent) is hungry.

The swings are a love hate relationship.

There are directions for which slide to go down, and how.

Does reading any of this sound bizarre to you?

Playgrounds, of all places, should be a place for your child to have complete ownership. They should do as much, or as little, as they want. They should be able to play in the sand the entire time without glancing at the play structure. And they should be able to go down the same slide over and over, even ‘backwards’.

Why then do parents feel the need to control this experience?

Here is what I think:

1) fear

I know it is scary. But when you let your child explore the play structure in their own way, they are way more careful than you think. And if they aren’t, you don’t have to stand a mile away! You can stand there to make sure they don’t fall from any unsafe height.

I usually let my son climb the structure on his own but I stay nearby on the ground. I stand by any big openings. Occasionally my son comes to check out the openings and I tell him it is a very big drop. If he tries to come through, I stop him. But he has never tried.

2) mistrust of child’s capabilities

I find it astonishing when I see toddlers who are fully walking, being led up the play structure hand in hand by their parent. Even when your child can crawl, let them crawl up the structure alone. Giving them this space and trust is what will help them in turn learn to trust their own bodies. This is called body knowledge, and it needs to be learned.

Furthermore, your child needs to fall. That’s how they learn what it means to fall. I fully agree with Magda Gerber that “learning to fall, getting up again and moving on is the best preparation for life.”

The problem is that a lack of body knowledge is a consequence of never letting your child learn about their bodies. If for their entire life, you have been there aiding your child to sit up, stand, walk, go down steps, etc, then you have officially become an enabler to your child. They feel like they can do these things because they have always had your hand and help. Unfortunately this means they never fully learned their own body’s capacity of doing these things on their own. They haven’t fully mastered balancing. They haven’t felt the gravity push them down each step. And because of this, they probably won’t be very safe on top of play structures. In that case, I can see why a care-taker may want to hold a child’s hand and be next to them every step of the way.

But that sucks. It sucks for the child. It sucks for you! Don’t you want a break?

3) inability to let go

I was at the park the other day and my son was playing with a bunch of toys in the sand. Another little boy walked over to play and his dad immediately stopped him and said “we didn’t come here to play in the sand” while leading him up to the structure. But doesn’t that just sound so absurd? His son wanted to play in the sand. Is it really so hard to let go?

I hear parents complain all the time about being tired, about running out of things to do with their child, about not knowing how else to entertain their 2 year old. None of these things need be an issue if we just learned to let go a bit. I go to the park every morning. Why? Not only does my son LOVE being outdoors, but this is also the best break ever! I get to sit under a tree or walk barefoot in the grass while my son does whatever he wants to. Sometimes he is climbing, sometimes he is sitting in the sand and not moving, sometimes he walks around, and sometimes he is next to me for a long time. No matter what, I am at peace.

I think that is the hardest thing for some parents, because being at peace means letting go. Let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how’ children should play. Let go of the idea that if you don’t lead them they won’t get the most out of the experience. Let go of the stress.

Your child IS getting the most out of the experience, regardless of what they are doing. Trust them. Trust yourself. You are enough.

 

gift giving

Desere2 Comments

We are officially in the season of gifts, and as we enter the third night of Hannukah, I want to write today about how I feel about gift giving to little kids.

I am a firm believer that gifts should be given uniquely, not equally. This idea stems from my own feelings, as well as from reading Siblings Without Rivalry, a fantastic book by Adele Faber:

In other words, just because my younger son got a wheel barrow for Hannukah, doesn’t mean my older son needs to get it too.

Why am I even writing about this?

I am sure as parents of young kids, we all know what the constant struggle is like when our kids fight over toys. With a 4 and 2 year old, my main focus of parenting has become almost exclusively conflict resolution, with some emotional intelligence sprinkled in.

The boys are always arguing about some toy they both want at the same time. And therefore most of my day is spent validating each little person’s feelings about how badly he wants this thing, or how he does NOT want his brother to touch that thing, etc. All while trying to keep everyone’s body safe, because sometimes these conflicts become physical.

Sigh . . . what if my kids just had two of everything ?!?

Well many parents, with good intentions, try just that. To avoid some conflicts during gift giving times (holidays/birthdays), some simply give their children the same thing so each has their own.

Now just to clarify, I am not anti my kids receiving two of something similar if they both need it. About a year ago we got both of our kids a bike. A balance bike for my youngest and a regular bike for my oldest. We felt it was time for them to have bikes and that they would love it. Sometimes, this truly is the case.

What I want to focus on today, however, is giving the same/similar gifts in order to specifically avoid future conflict. If the only reason you are buying your kids the same gift is so they won’t end up fighting over it, I believe this is your own trigger that needs to be dealt with. Watching kids fight is uncomfortable. Watching kids cry is uncomfortable. Watching your child upset is uncomfortable. I get that. I am naturally a more empathic person and it is extremely hard to watch my child in these moments without letting it become personal.

But that’s the whole point of parenting this way. I have to acknowledge that I am feeling uncomfortable, this is about me. If we really want to be intentional with our choices, we need to make them about our kids.

Is it really healthy to teach my kids to avoid conflicts through something superficial like gifts?

Is it healthy to be modeling my lack of trust in them to figure these things out amongst themselves?

Is it right to be distracting my child from his/her feelings?

Am I setting my kids up for success as adults by doing any of this?

Yesterday, my older son received a digital camera, which he has been pining over for about 6 months. My youngest received a child sized wheel barrow. As the camera wasn’t charged yet, the wheel barrow instantly become the star of the show. Both kids were screaming. My oldest kept yelling at my youngest that it wasn’t his, it was for EVERYONE. My youngest just wanted to play with the parts as it was being put together while my oldest was yelling at his dad to finish building the whole thing. It was a meltdown disaster.

All the while, I am wondering maybe we should have just given them both wheel barrows for Hannukah, what a mistake.

But as we know with respectful parenting, meltdowns are caused by all kinds of factors, and often are not about whatever your child is crying about. So what’s going on here with my oldest son?? (other than of course the wheel barrow being really cool)

Well, it is 6:30pm, close to bedtime. He has been pumped full of chocolate coins and jelly donuts, music and a puppet show, not to mention just the pure excitement of being with his grandparents and aunt and uncle. Hey a party of more than 4 people is as exciting as it gets these days, right??

So of course his self regulation, which is minimal at best for any 4 year old with an undeveloped frontal cortex, is off the rocker.

My only priority in the moment was to help my son navigate his big feelings. That’s it.

“You really want this wheel barrow to be built all the way.”

“You want it done, NOW!”

“I hear you.”

It’s hard. Not only the validating of emotions without fixing the problem part, but also having to deal with both kids without FORCING one to share. (more about my feelings on sharing here).

And the whole time, I am wondering if any of this is even worth it? Am I really doing anyone a favor by not just getting two of the same thing? The headache alone is exhausting.

My father asked me about it while he watched everything unfold. He asked why I feel so strongly about this. And although I answered with many of the aforementioned reasons, in the back of my mind I still felt so tired of dealing with this.

But then this morning it happened.

Both kids woke up and instantly grabbed their new toys. Franky, with his charged camera, began taking pictures of everything. Nathan, who had the wheel barrow parked next to his crib all night, instantly began delivering stuffed animals from room to room. And I could hear Franky say to his little brother, in the cutest, softest voice, how happy he was that Nathan got a gift just for him, how it was a little gift for little Natani. And all morning, although there were some hiccups here and there, they traded playing with both the wheel barrow and the camera. They were both so happy just to have these new items. And they were happy FOR each other.

Will this euphoria fueled by a full night of sleep last? Probably not. I don’t think I am seeing the end of their bickering over who gets to play with what and when and how.

However I know that I need to keep believing in this style of parenting. I need to keep trusting my kids to navigate these big feelings (with me as their guide). I need to keep trusting my kids to figure out how to “share” without my yelling at them to do so, or even getting involved at all.

And lastly, I am fostering their relationship because they are seeing each other as unique, individuals worthy of something special. Franky realized the next morning that the wheel barrow was something special for his little brother and he was happy FOR him. He was happy WITH him.

It is really tough watching a sibling get a gift that you find fascinating and fun as well. It is really tough watching a sibling get attention. But just as on their birthday I won’t be getting gifts for each of my children so no one feels left out, I will continue not getting two of the same gifts in order to avoid conflicts. Because only then will I be able to see these moments of love and respect between my children.

I believe this mentality will ultimately benefit them, and me. Time will tell and I will keep you updated…

the need for control

Desere

Disclaimer: I wrote this in April 2020 but before I could finish editing and publishing, I got swept up with life and the state of the world. I never got around to finishing this post. Although we are fast forward 7 months, I feel like some of this could be valuable to someone out there. So here it goes…

The need for control. This is a basic human trait.

With everything going on, we are seeing this need manifest in all sorts of ways. The major way we saw people attempting to regain any sort of control in a situation filled with unknowns, is with toilet paper. Yes, the panic buying of toilet paper is, in its simplest and most raw form, just a need for control.

People are scared and don’t have enough information. We don’t know enough about this virus. We don’t know if we or someone we know will get sick. We don’t know what life is supposed to look like during this time. We don’t know what life will look like when this is all over.

The need to regain control in any aspect is enough to send people in droves to buy whatever they can, as much as they can, so that they feel like they are able to remain in charge of their life in some way. It is comical and seems insane, but it all really does make sense in terms of human behavior.

And as this is a parenting blog, the same can be said about children.

When our children feel out of control, it tends to lead to all sorts of behavioral problems. This is a normal part of parenting a “terrible” two, or a “threenager”, or really any child.

Children develop so quickly. They are learning things every second of every day from the moment they are born. They are masters at processing the world around them. But they have very little control over their daily lives. They are told when to put clothes on and what to eat. They are told where to go and what time to go to bed. They are taken to school and after school activities where adults are telling them what to do every second of the day. Kids often aren’t even able to play on their own without parents guiding them and telling them what to play with and how. This creates a strange sensation phenomenon. They are growing and maturing, but they aren’t able to control many aspects of their life. Consequently, they create situations in order to feel in control. They seek it out. And this often looks like a child being stubborn, or misbehaving. This can look like answering every question with a ‘NO!’, or throwing objects. It can be in the way they constantly are yelling demands at us, or that feeling that as a parent we aren’t doing anything right. It is often just their attempt at having some sense of control, over their body, their relationships, their life.

When our children do feel out of control, this is when we might see a meltdown or an emotional release.

So what does this have to do with what’s happening right now. Well apart from us adults losing control over many aspects of our life like the ability to go out or go to work or do much of anything, our children are feeling the same way too. But they are also just trying to process everything that is going on. And I am writing this post as a warning to take some ‘misbehaviors’ as warning signs that your child is just looking to regain some control.

For me, it is showing up as not wanting to go outside.

Which is crazy, because we are stuck inside all day everyday with no where to go. We are in quarantine. And everytime I tell my son we are going to go on a walk or a small hike, he freaks out. And this is a kid that used to thrive outdoors. I have been taking him outside every single day for his entire 3 years and 10 months of existence. And now without the opportunity to go to school or library or park or a friends’ house, he doesnt even want to go outside.

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

oh.. right… he feels out of control. The only thing he can control right now is his body being at home. Home where it is safe, with his toys which he knows. Home where the routines are the same, where he can count on the predictability of his day. He wants to be home.

So if your kids are acting strangely, uncharacteristically, then it could very well just be their way of seeking control in a very strange time.

now is the time to allow all the emotions

Desere

Beautiful parents, we are living in strange times right now. A virus is taking the world by storm, and if you are like me you are living in mandatory quarantine.

Now I am not going to use this post to talk about what staying at home this past week was like. Instead I want to talk about emotions.

Whether we are shielding our children from everything going on in the news or exposing them to it all, they are definitely going to be feeling all the feels right now.

The world is going through something weird, something new, and something strange. People are at home when they usually wouldn’t be. People are losing work. People are stressed … and scared.

Our kids feel it, they sense it, and what they need now more than ever is the space to release some pent up emotions about it all.

I am not worried about our kids’ ability to adapt. As Teacher Tom put it, “Young children were built for this. Young children are the masters of learning from whatever life throws at them.” He writes more about this here and it’s fantastic.

No, what I am worried about is amid all this stress, we forget that our kids need us to hold space for them to release any and all emotions.

This is not new to respectful parenting. If anything I would say allowing and acknowledging little one’s emotions is a pillar of parenting with respect.

But we are human, and are dealing with a lot of unknowns right now. So maybe we all need a reminder.

Janet Lansbury’s famous idea has never been so crucial:

ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET TO WELCOME THESE EMOTIONS

But there is more to it than that. (of course there is)

You see part of building a respectful relationship with your child means knowing who your child is, as a person, and being able to read those cues that they have something to release. Discerning between situations where they simply need to release some rage/stress/sadness versus situations where a deeper, more meaningful conversation is in order. Of course the latter is more for older children.

This is about using certain phrasing to show you are there, not judging, and open. Realizing what they may be frustrated about and giving it words. Giving them language to use when they might not know why they are feeling this way at all.

My personal example from today (because maybe this will help you?):

We were playing in the backyard and my son (almost 4) said he wants us to have a gorilla. So of course I laughed a little and exclaimed, “A GORILLA?!” to play along. But he seemed serious. He took me and showed me where to put up a tall fence so the gorilla wouldn’t escape. He was very adamant about having the gorilla.

On a regular, non COVID-19 sunny afternoon, I might have fully supported this funky idea. I might start to probe him with questions, like “what will we feed our gorilla?”, “should we give him a name?”, or “how will you play with the gorilla?”

But I didn’t today. I don’t know what about it made me shift the conversation. Maybe it was his body language or the way he was saying it at first angry and then on the verge of tears. Maybe it was just because of everything going on in the world right now. Whatever it was, in that split moment I changed my reaction.

I said we can’t have a gorilla in the softest voice I could muster.

“Why?” Those big brown eyes looked up at me. So I explained that we wouldn’t be able to give a gorilla a good life.

“Why?”

A gorilla needs space and other gorillas. A gorilla needs to explore and roam. A gorilla might not be happy here in our small backyard.

Now looking back on this, maybe this wasn’t the right direction to take this conversation. But I did and subconsciously I think I was egging him on to release those pent up emotions. I just saw those emotions waiting to come out. I saw it in his eyes and his posture and his tone. And I guess I thought instead of playing along if I shut it down, even softly, it might give him the opportunity to release. Maybe…

Expectantly, he got very upset. His adamant response was he wanted an animal in the yard. Hmm, he changed it to animal now. I felt like I was onto something.

So I simply repeated “you want an animal in the yard.”

“I really want an animal in the yard!”

“You really want an animal in the yard.”

I just kept acknowledging and repeating.

And then he said “I want an animal to be my friend.”

Bingo. I figured out where this was going.

It is not because of any magic recipe. It was because I know my son. Because I know what this past week was like compared to what any ‘normal’ week would be like for us. I have built a relationship of trust with him. I have spent almost 4 years now allowing him to be his whole (chaotic, beautiful, messy, emotional, real) self around me.

So I knew. We are in quarantine. He hasn’t seen any friends. He hasn’t been to school. He hasn’t had any play dates. He hasn’t gone to the library or some indoor playgrounds or any of our usual weekly outings.

So I said “you really want a friend to play with.”

And it was like some weight lifted off his shoulders. Physically. He melted down into my lap.

I kept going, which I only did based on his age and because I knew he could handle it right now amid all the heightened sadness. “You miss having someone to play with.”

More crying.

So I gave it one last go. “You haven’t seen your friends in a long time.”

And he finally said “yes”

We sat for about a minute. Then he got up and went to play with his brother. I could hear laughing. I could hear ease.

And there it is folks. My meager example of how we can gently but purposefuly hold space for our children during this weird time in all of our lives.

Of course this looks different in different situations. If he was melting down about something, let’s say maybe wanting more goldfish and I had said no, I would NOT have said those things about missing his friends. I would allow him to feel whatever anger he felt about wanting more goldfish, which might be anger at this situation we are in or maybe being a big brother or maybe just being tired. But I wouldn’t try to talk about it.

No, I had to really read the situation and know if he was ready for me to verbalize the things he was feeling. If he was ready to connect his feelings to the situation we are in.

You know your child the best. You know when they need to release and when they need your help releasing. You know how far to push it, when to have the conversation and when to simply be quiet and sit. You know if your child is just tired or if it’s something more than that.

All this isn’t to say that sometimes you don’t know these things. These are split second decisions that we have to make. Sometimes we are also dealing with another sibling. Sometimes we miss the cues. Sometimes our own cup is running so darn low that we just can’t be the patient wonderful parents who sit and roll the carpet for any and all feelings. I get that too. Oh the times I have really messed up these moments…

In the end, this style of parenting is about connection. As we sit at home, with nothing much else to be doing these days except being with our children, our family, and ourselves, let’s try to make these moments count.

Love and health to all of you.

I get the worst of my kid’s behavior, it doesn’t mean I’ve failed

Desere

My return to writing was brought about by the feeling that I was hitting an ultimate low in my parenting. I was resentful and angry most of the day. I found it hard to truly enjoy my son’s presence. I felt like I was running through my day, every day. I was yelling at my son. I was constantly overwhelmed. I was exhausted. I thought I was doing everything wrong.

But then overnight, things suddenly… shifted. And I instantaneously felt better. I woke up feeling happy. I had an incredible day where I simply enjoyed the chaotic and beautiful person my son is.

And in my last post it was hard for me to describe exactly why things changed for me. However the next day I realized something that helps describe my altered state of mind. I began to explain in my first ever video you can watch on my facebook page here.

My aha was pretty simple: as my son’s primary caregiver I will always get his worst behavior.

This is something that I have always known, intellectually. I read about this in my parenting groups. I heard about it from fellow moms out there. But somehow I forgot it these past few weeks. I kept taking my son’s behavior so personal. I kept thinking because he was acting so horribly with me and at home, that meant he is a horrible kid and I am a horrible mother.

But him giving and showing me his worst has absolutely no bearing on who he is or my parenting. His less than ideal behavior does not mean I’ve failed. It does not mean the style of parenting I follow (RIE) doesn’t work. It does not mean that I need to carry his feelings on my shoulders all day.

And that revelation was a huge aha moment for me.

Our kids give us their worst because we are their safe space to do so. They use us as their release. When they are at school or with other adults, they have to follow all kinds of rules. Social rules. Academic rules. Cultural rules. Every place and every situation puts stress on them. They have very little control in most aspects of their life.

So they come home and unload on us.

The way they do so can be in the form of a meltdown, anger, or defiance. They can yell at us or just say no to everything we try to do. They may even seek out the opportunity to release by intentionally pushing our buttons or testing our limits.

Sometimes when we are home, I can feel Franky pushing me, like he is waiting for me to say no and hold my ground on something just so he can push back, meltdown, and get his release for the day. He wants to cry. He needs it. And I am the person that lets him do it.

Until I wasn’t…

The problem is that even knowing this has never made it easy during those moments. When you are with your child every day and everything just seems to be a struggle, getting out the door or eating a meal, cooperating with a sibling or brushing teeth, all these moments began to add up and weigh you down. It becomes incredibly difficult NOT to take it all personal. And that is exactly what I began doing.

I became a non safe space for him because I would be angry with him. I would yell at him. I would get frustrated with him. And so when he was showing me that he needed help, I would shut him down.

My kind, creative, wonderful little boy is going through so many changes every single day. His world is like on extreme hyperdrive. He has little to no impulse control (which becomes zero if he is tired or hungry or lonely). He has very little control over certain aspects of his day like schedule or going to school or bedtime. His body keeps changing. His life keeps changing. His little brother keeps changing. And his emotions keep changing. It is scary.

So when he would get angry or defiant, or have physical aggression toward his brother or me, he was really saying ‘please help I feel out of control.’ And no one who feels out of control wants to be met with more anger and frustration.

So this was the big shift for me. I began to see him for who he was. I saw that he was struggling and needed my help. This made it easier to remain calm when I needed him to do something, because it wasn’t getting to me. If he didn’t wash his hands after the potty and I asked him to do it once. I would pick him up and do it. I didn’t automatically get mad or go into a huge lecture explaining why we need to do so. He knows. I’ve already told him.

So I began accepting that I’m his safe space to simply release his emotions. I do not need to accept those emotions as my own. I do not need to fix them. I do not need to change them. I can carry on with what I need to do and his feelings simply are just that, his.

I am happy he feels safe to share them in my presence.

I want him to feel safe with me.

And ultimately, if that’s the price I pay for having an emotionally intelligent and resilient human being in the world, then so be it.

hitting rock bottom with RIE…

Desere2 Comments

hello readers, if you’re still with me…

It has been almost an entire year since my last post. I am so sorry for that.

I was using this blog to help me marinate on certain ideas. It was a way to hold myself accountable in this respectful parenting style. It was an outlet. It was a proclamation of my parenting beliefs.

Yet I was really considering letting my site expire and never writing again… because parenting lately has been really hard. I mean kicking my butt hard. I have a 3.5 year old and a 1.5 year old. Most of the time I feel like I am just surviving the day. No, the hour. By 9:00am most days I’m broken. I’m tired and stressed. I feel like most of the day I’m running, like I can’t breath or catch up to even enjoy the presence of my two little dudes.

I try to keep my interactions respectful whenever I even have the mind to remember what I’m doing. But often, they are not. My tired brain has pulled me into not so great habits. I yell. I cry. I often grab my older son in ways that I am not proud of. I often give in to my younger son just so he stops crying. I am so sick of the yelling and fighting and crying and hitting.

How can I sit here and type up parenting advice when I’m struggling so hard? How can I write about the amazing features of respectful parenting when I myself have lost track of what that even means? Somedays I feel like this thing I followed so hard for 3 years is exactly why things are so hard. Sometimes I feel like RIE is awful, I feel like it has created awful interactions and awful behaviors with my boys.

I don’t feel respectful. More so, I don’t feel respected.

I mean that’s the ultimate slap in the face for someone who follows respectful parenting, right?!

My older son, Frank, is almost 4 years old and he is feeling some SERIOUS feels right now. He yells and hits. He loves me and hates me within seconds of each other. He asks for something and then yells for another. He hurts his little brother. He refuses to sleep when tired. He pretty much only eats bread and cheese. He is so dang strong-willed.

And it sucks. It just sucks. Most days I do not enjoy his presence.

Now I know that we have also put a lot on his already ever changing little developing mind in the past few months. We moved. We switched him from a crib to a big bed. We joined a new school. We started having him wear underwear. His brother is bigger, mobile, and verbal.

And that is a lot for a little guy. Someone who is already growing and changing every day, whose mind is doing leaps and flips every time he wakes up. Now he has a new house, new room, new bed, new friends, new park, new bathroom routine, new everything. It’s a lot. I get that.

But still… he is awful to be around.

I try my best. But most of the time I feel like I am tip-toeing around him so I don’t burst his precious, emotional bubble. It doesn’t matter though, because I always feel like a failure. I cook and he doesnt eat. I try new things and they never work. I try to talk him to him and he gives me nothing. I just feel like a failure.

That is a feeling I do not enjoy. My personality does not handle it well.

And then came the ultimate nap refusal. This broke me.

Franky was always an incredible sleeper. He slept a lot as a baby. He transitioned to three naps perfectly. Then two naps right on the dot. One nap at exactly 16 months. Slept every single day from 7pm-7am with a 2 hour (sometimes 3 hour) nap during the day.

I mean this kid SPOILED me.

This past year, things have shifted for him. The moment we converted his crib – nap time changed. Of course it did, he could now get in and out of his crib alone!

This was quite the transition, but we talked it through and found a system that worked. We would read a story as usual, I would leave and shut the door, he would play for a bit, and when he was ready he would turn out the light and go to bed.

For the most part, this worked.

Some days he would come out a lot, and I would have to sit by the door and keep taking him back saying “it is rest time”. Some days he would play and play and fall asleep on the floor with the lights on. Some days he wouldn’t sleep and we would just move up bed time one hour.

Most of the time he really would turn off the light and go to bed. It was incredible to watch, when it worked.

But the move and new bed and underwear was all too much for this routine.

Counter-will was oh so strong. No matter how many times I tried to create a safe and inviting environment for him to nap, he kept refusing. He would not nap regardless of how tired he was.

He just likes to play and play in his room (which only has stuffed animals, books, and the few toy cars he brings with him). He enjoys looking out of and banging on the window. He enjoys messing with the clothes in his closet. He dances and sings. Oh and he comes out of his room one million times.

I tried putting a lock on his door but he freaks out with a passion every time I try.

I tried using a visual timer where he has to stay in his room until the timer is done and then he can come out. It worked the first day. Then it didn’t.

I tried talking to him about how he didn’t have to sleep but that every day we would do ‘rest time’ because it was important and healthy to take a break. You know, giving him the power so he didn’t feel the counter-will surge to do opposite whatever I said. I tried talking to him about how important it is to listen to what your body is telling you (sleepy, hungry, angry, sad, etc).

I tried everything.

And the stakes were high. I was tired and wanted this time to rest or eat or cook or veg on the couch with a tv show. Little brother naps next door and I didn’t want him to wake up.

Ultimately, the biggest reason was he still needed a nap. Every single day of no nap meant the entire afternoon was just a whirlwind of melt downs. This meant early bedtime to compensate, which often resulted in earlier wake up time, leading to a more tired afternoon temperament, and so the vicious cycle continued.

Day after day I tried.

I was so broken yesterday by it all. I just lost it. I was tired and angry. I couldn’t get anything done and Franky was losing it, hitting his brother and me and just being unpleasant.

I hated him and hated the routine and hated RIE. I hated everything.

I told (yelled at) him that I was done trying. That I didn’t have the energy for it anymore. That we were done with nap time and he would be tired every day and I didn’t care.

At night I went to my RIE mom tribe online to search. I don’t know what I was searching for because I felt like quitting RIE and quitting respectful parenting.

I guess I felt like my kid was being a little sh** and no one else seemed to be dealing with that. I felt like I saw other mom saying something to their kid and they would listen. But mine never listened to me. He just yelled and didn’t nap and hurt his brother and didn’t care what I said ever. I felt like I couldn’t even problem solve with him because whenever I tried to have real conversations with him he wouldn’t talk to me.

I felt like RIE failed me. That giving my boy 3 years of respect and trust and accepting his emotions and letting him take ownership of his outfits and his feeding just all backfired. Now I have an almost 4 year old who does whatever he wants and feels entitled to feel however he feels without a care about who he hurts. A kid who doesn’t eat well and doesn’t listen to his body.

I mean this is how I felt yesterday. I was just done trying so hard every day. Why do I need to work so hard at this very difficult style of parenting when it just sucks every single day. I want to do the easier style of parenting. I want to just make my kid listen to me through whatever means, with threats and rewards and punishments. I want to just let him watch TV so I can have a break during the day. I want to just show him how to do things instead of waiting for him to figure them out. I want to just lift him up and help him on the monkey bars instead of hearing him scream that he wants to try it but I am not helping him. I don’t want to sit and hear him cry and feel his emotions for long periods of time. It is all exhausting. It is exhausting trying to do all these things with the hopes the he will become emotionally intelligent and resilient and hard working and curious and resourceful.

So I’m reading and reading and reading …

And I am not sure if it was something specific I read, some actual tid bit of wisdom, or just reading for hours in general, but it hit me.

The problem is me.

This is a me-problem. I lost sight of it all. I lost sight of what this parenting style is truly about.

My son is his own person. He is not my problem to fix. He is not a problem.

He is a little person who is dealing with a lot of things, including the INCREDIBLE and developmentally appropriate urge to fight against anything I tell him as his primary caregiver. He is growing and changing. He often doesn’t want to nap because he doesn’t need to nap, even if that means being tired later.

Kids don’t usually think of things in terms of ‘hmm if I don’t nap now boy will I be tired later.’ Kids are in the moment. That’s one of the most beautiful and also most tedious aspects of being around little people all the time.

So yes at this moment of the day, when left to himself in his new big room with his new big bed and his new life, he does. not. want. to. nap.

I was the one who wanted to keep things the way they were and then getting angry when he was trying to show me that it wasn’t working.

I felt like I was the one dealing with the consequence of him not napping because he was in a horrible mood.

GAH I write it all now with such clarity. But I am not sure I am even explaining my breakthrough well enough.

I was taking all the emotions, all the feelings onto my own shoulders.

But I finally feel like I am seeing my son for who he is, which is something I lost sight of amidst the hustle of each never-ending day this past few months. I was purely surviving. I was surviving and growing contempt for what I perceived as failure. I was growing contempt because I longed for the days when he was this young little explorer and I just enjoyed every waking second with him but now I hated being around him.

A switch turned on.

A weight lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe it was when I read something about natural consequences. The thing about consequences is, it is something Franky is feeling. He is feeling the ultimate wrath of his tiredness when he doesn’t nap. I need to trust that as the consequence in and of itself.

When he starts hitting or yelling or melting down, it is all a cry for help. He has completely lost control. And that is a super scary feeling for someone so small. And then all I was doing was getting mad and yelling at him all day for it. I am supposed to be the safe space for his feelings and I wasn’t.

Instead I was soaking in all his feelings and taking it as my fault.

I think what I lost sight of was that RIE does not mean doing x y z and saying a b c meant my son would nap perfectly. RIE is not a set of guidelines. Many families use ‘quiet time’ when their kids transition out of nap and it works for them. This just wasn’t working for us.

RIE is about seeing who my son is, for who he is. It is a set of tools for speaking and interacting with him so that he feels safe to be 100% himself. Yes right now his authentic self is an annoying little threenager who yells and changes his mind a lot and is often tired by 4pm. That is him. Right now. He might change later. I cannot change him. He is not mine to control. He is not a problem to fix.

I am definitely not explaining this right…

The point is, I had a HUGE aha moment the past 24 hours. And for a year I was drowning and hoping this blog would just drown with me. But this aha moment just made me feel so good. I don’t resent my child anymore because of how he is feeling/acting.

I don’t actually know where I was going with all this. Clearly my 2 kid mom brain is not what it was when I first started this website. But man am I going to keep trying so bear with me. I love you all for putting up with me.

Give me your thoughts and lets keep going on this crazy journey together. yea?

letting it be

Desere

One of the things I am struggling with is being ok with whatever my son wants, or does not want, to do. Letting it be.

For example, just today we went to the park as we usually do every morning. My son walked around a bit, but then wanted to be picked up. I held him for a while, and then told him I was going to put him down because it was hard for me to hold him for so long. He kept wanting to be held, so I sat down and told him I will sit with him instead. So he snuggled up to me and we sat there, in the middle of the playground. He sucked his thumb and sat, looking around. I asked if he wanted to go home but he said no.

We must have sat this way for 25 minutes until he got up and began exploring again.

Part of me, wanted to push him to play. I wanted to say, we are here at the park go climb, slide, play in the sand, go explore. And when he obviously didn’t want to do anything but sit, that same part of me wanted to pick him up and go home.

But then I asked myself, why not just sit here for a while. Why  not wait until he was ready to play or explore? Why is it hard sometimes to let it be?

I guess it’s because when we go somewhere new, we want our child to experience everything and get the most out of the situation. It’s very hard to accept that whatever our child is doing, is exactly what they want to do. Sometimes that means going to the park and sitting the whole time.

After all, we are building a relationship based on trust. I want him to know that I trust him, and I trust his readiness.

It’s the same thing at RIE class each week. Every child has their own timeline for when they are ready to leave their parent’s laps and join in with the class. How great is it to have a space where they get to feel that trust?

It’s not easy being so receptive to our children’s cues.

We went to a birthday party the other week. The party was at a venue that had one room full of toys, and the next room was set up for ‘messy art’. When we got to the party, my son instantly wanted to jump down and play with all the toys, understandably.

Slowly I meandered toward the other room because I was interested to see what a ‘messy party’ looked like. The room was all covered and had several easels set up for kids. I was so excited because Franky never experienced painting before. I couldn’t wait for him to feel what it was like to dip his brush in different paint, to draw with his fingers, to use sponges and make different prints.

But part of letting my son feel what he is feeling is really integral to my parenting philosophy. Because the same goes with feeling hurt or angry. The best tool we can teach is the tool of feeling those big feelings, knowing that they too shall pass. The only way to teach this is to let these feelings sit, to let them be.

That’s why with RIE parenting, we let our kids cry, or scream, or get upset. Because whatever they are feeling, regardless of how trivial it may seem to us at the moment, is important to them. So we let it be. We sit and we feel.

I guess sitting with my son today on the ground for so long, with other parents staring at me wondering what we were doing int he middle of the playground, I remembered these ideas and how i was letting my son just … be.

the meltdown meter

Desere

Meltdowns are a release.

Meltdowns are almost never about what you think they are about.

Last night my son had a huge meltdown before bath time. He did. not. want to get in the tub.

We do bath every night as part of his bedtime routine. Nothing was different tonight. Yet he cried and cried. He didn’t want to take off his clothes.

Most parents would chalk this up to a two year old being his terrible self, and having a meltdown. Having a meltdown over bath time.

But a RIE parent sees something else. 

My son was releasing. My sons ‘emotional meter’ was full. 

And so as my husband and I sat there, accepting our sons emotions, I began to reflect back on my day. And this is what I realized:

  • Frank wanted to play in our room but it was time to get dressed
  • He wanted to play with the buttons in the car but it was time to get in his car seat
  • He wanted to stay longer at a friends house but it was time to go home
  • He wanted to close the garage but I already did myself because of the rain
  • He wanted to play downstairs but it was time to go up and rest 
  • He wanted to play outside more but it was time for dinner
  • He wanted to blow out the Hanukkah candles but I kept stopping him

In these and so many other moments throughout the day, he didn’t get his way, and I could see his meter filling up. Slowly, surely, his emotional meter was rising.

Each time I had to demand my will over his, he would suck his thumb, and do what I needed him to do. Each time he needed me but I had to tend to his baby brother, the meter would rise.

It’s like I could stare in his eyes and see it rising. All day long.

Until… bath time. That’s when he wanted to play with our humidifier but it was time for bath. And instead of sucking his thumb and “accepting”, he had a melt down.

You see, parenting with respect means understanding our children in their entirety. My son is someone who is so small yet craving so much power over his life. So I can acknowledge how frustrating it must be to constantly forgo his own wants all day long. To constantly have to lose in the power struggles that inevitably arise between kid and parent. 

Two year olds aren’t terrible, they are beautiful. They have the perfect mechanism to release pent up frustration. The “meltdown”. 

And when we can see that that is all a meltdown is, then we can “roll out the red carpet” for their emotions, as Janet Lansbury likes to say.

thankful for relationships

Desere

I follow RIE.

This is a respectful parenting philosophy that focuses on building a relationship with your child based on trust and respect. It’s about modeling instead of teaching. This means to raise someone who is respectful and authentic, I must model those characteristics myself. This philosophy is about treating kids like you would any adult you love and respect. And my husband and I love this philosophy because it really resonated with us, and we can see the effects of parenting this way is having on our 2 year old son.

But in practicing RIE we are not normal. This style of parenting is a minority.

I won’t force my kid to say please or thank you or sorry. If I make him say it, it’s not authentic. Instead these phrases get modeled when I say them naturally myself.

I won’t force my kid to hug you or kiss you. I am teaching my son to respect physical boundaries. To raise someone who respects another person’s “no’s” means as a child I must respect his own “no’s”. His body his choice.

I won’t distract my kid when he is crying. Feeling sad is ok, just like feeling happy and angry and scared is ok. Crying is the process of being unhurt. Tears release toxins from the body and oxytocin. When tears are not welcomed or stopped, this releases the stress hormone cortisol, and often leads to aggression because the suppressed emotion has to come out somewhere. (Aletha Soleter of Aware Parenting)

http://www.michellemorganart.com/

I won’t force my kid to eat. I provide the meal, with a few options that include veggies and meat and carbs. I set the rules about eating at the table and staying seated. The rest is up to my son. He eats what he he wants, as much as he wants from the options I laid out. I will not force feed him or use tricks like airplane-ing food into his mouth. His body his choice.

I won’t hold my kid’s hands when he climbs up the playground. If you want your child to learn spatial awareness, don’t help them do things they can’t do on their own. No one wants to get hurt. No child wants to fling themselves down the side of a play structure. But if they were always given a false sense of security when they learned to walk and climb, then they won’t realize the physical dangers of doing certain things.

I won’t show my kid how to play with something. I give my son open ended objects to play with, and let his creativity take it from there. This builds problem solving and independent play.

I wont try to fix how my kid plays with something. Even if it looks “wrong” to me, I won’t intervene. Is there even such thing as playing the wrong way?

I won’t intervene if my kid takes your kid’s toy. I won’t intervene if your kid takes my kid’s toy. Sharing is so overrated in this age of helicopter parenting. I’m sick of people saying they need to teach their kids how to share. Sharing is intrinsic. It will emerge when the child cares to share. At a young age, toy taking is simply exactly how kids play together. It’s the transference of toys. And when left on their own, kids rarely have a problem with this. When they do have a problem, they often can resolve it with little to no adult intervention.

I won’t ask my kid questions I already know the answer to. It’s demeaning to ask someone “Where are your eyes?” Or “Where is the blue triangle?” My son isn’t in school, and he didn’t learn English and Hebrew by me asking him to point to stuff or use flash cards to drill words into him. He learns words through life. He learns because we talk to him in our normal authentic voice.

But alas, these things make me odd in the parenting world. And that’s ok. I’ve made peace with being a minority because I love the person my son is becoming, and I love the type of serenity this parenting style has given me.

What makes RIE hard is that once you start it, you can’t unsee it.

This means once you see young children as fully capable people, worthy of respect, it’s very very hard to see how the rest of the world interacts with them.

But I can’t shelter my son. That’s simply unrealistic and doesn’t prepare him to forge his own life with his own relationships.

RIE is based on trust.

I need to trust in myself and the job I’m doing as a mother. I am raising my son with respect. A few disrespectful interactions with other people won’t “ruin” my son. Janet Lansbury likes to say parenting is about the steady diet not the occasional snack. What I do on the day to day basis is what will shape his character.

I need to trust my son. I need to trust that not only does he know the difference between the way different people treat him, but that he also is fully capable of self advocating. That a consequence of the way I treat him is that he WILL stand up for himself when he feels the need to.

That’s the key… it’s when HE feels the need to.

So many times I’m watching someone interact with my son, and I’m thinking why is my son just taking it? Why is he allowing this person to talk to him like that or force a hug on him when I know he doesn’t always want a hug? Why is he allowing this person to show him how to play a certain way when he normally likes to lead his own play time?

I want to step in so badly. But I don’t because my son doesn’t need rescuing. He isn’t in danger, he is with people he loves and who love him. If I did step in, I’m now making it about me, not my son.

I need to let him build his own relationships with people around him, in his own way. I need to trust him to do so.

I am thankful for RIE. This philosophy taught me to sit back and enjoy the person my child is becoming, to really see the beautiful relationships he has made and how much certain people mean to him. I am thankful he has such strong relationships with people around him. I am thankful for how much he enjoys people who behave differently than I do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

leaving your child for a few min

Desere1 Comment

I wrote my last post on the dangers of screens, and the questions I believe you should be asking yourself when you believe you cannot leave your child alone without a screen.

Then I decided to write down how I go about having some alone time throughout the day, whether it is for the bathroom or simply self care like drinking some tea by myself.

1. Set up a space that is safe for your child to be left in alone. I call this “the safe zone.” But most of the RIE community refers to this as a “yes space” because it is a space your child has no “no’s”, a space they can play in however they like. Use a play pen. Use gates at the door. Locking your child in is not cruel, it is necessary. Children CRAVE boundaries, both emotional and physical boundaries. Giving them too much space, too many toys, too much power is overwhelming. And that overwhelming feeling is what causes them to act out. Less toys, and open ended toys,  will allow your child to play for longer periods of time. To see my son’s safe zone, see the featured image at the top of this post.

2. Give Warnings. Tell your child what you are going to do before doing it. Don’t get up. Don’t move. Get your child’s attention and speak to them like an adult. I like to give two warnings before I actually leave. “In a few minutes I am going to go eat my breakfast.” Then “In one minute I’m going to go eat.”

3. Tell your child you are leaving and when you will be back. “I am now going to go eat breakfast. I will come back in a few minutes.” Again do this before moving and make sure you have your child’s attention. I have personally made the mistake of saying this too fast and leaving before making sure my son was looking and paying attention to my words because he was so engrossed in his play. Then when I left he freaked out, he never really heard me and I was too focused on leaving to realize that.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE feelings. Your child might not even bat an eye when you leave. Your child might cry hysterically. Either way, acknowledge it and go. “You really don’t want me to leave right now. I hear you. I am going to eat because I am really hungry, but I will come back in a few minutes.” Doing this means you BOTH can move on. Your child feels heard and can therefore (maybe not right away) emotionally move on. And you can physically move on to whatever you need to do.

5. Come back. This is where the trust gets built. You said you were leaving, and that you will be back in a few minutes. Then you came back in a few minutes. Therefore your child learns your words carry value. Next time when you say you will be back your child will hear that and remember it is true. Again, this does not mean they won’t protest. But that is their right.

6. Don’t act like the savior. When you get back, and this is important, don’t act like you are back to save the day. If your child cried the entire time you were gone (which will happen sometimes), when you get back simply sit down, give a hug, and say “You really didn’t like that I left. I am back now.” And let him/her release whatever emotions are still left. Just sit there. You don’t need to scoop up your child when you get back and act like “HERE I AM!”. You don’t need to be the savior that came back to fix your child’s crying.

Lastly, these things take time. Building a relationship with your child, with anyone, takes time. No real relationship can be forged in one day. So follow my steps, don’t back down, don’t give up, and be patient. Some days it will be better. Some days it won’t.

My son is a little past 2 years old and still, some days he cries and protests for me to stay in his safe zone. I acknowledge but I still go. Because I am teaching him that I am also worthy of respect, and that I need to take care of myself too. I am modeling how certain things are a priority so that he grows up knowing he is also worthy of respect and self care.

You don’t need a screen to be there for your child when you aren’t. Trust me, your child can be left alone as long as you set him up for success.

I hope you know I fully support you and believe you can do it. This is not easy. But parenting is not easy and should not be easy. It is easy to use the screen. It is not easy to listen to your child cry for 10 minutes while you are in the bathroom, or cry for 30 minutes while you cook dinner.

None of RIE is easy. But it’s worth it. Work hard now so that you have an easier time later. Put in the effort now to acknowledge feelings now so that you raise an adult who is emotionally intelligent. Give your child the tools now to be alone so that they grow to be resilient and self-sufficient. Give your child passive toys like blocks and bowls now and baskets and balls so that they can build up their attention span and problem solve.

Also being able to leave my son has been INVALUABLE since having my second son a couple months ago.

You can do this… and let me know how I can help!

technology and RIE

Desere3 Comments

Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).

expectation to be happy/excited/etc

Desere1 Comment

So I recently (as in 5 days ago) gave birth to another baby boy. Frank is now 2 years 3 months old and has welcomed his new brother in the most loving way possible. Of course his unease about this new transition has manifested into limit testing behavior throughout the day … but that’s for another post.

Today I want to talk about the expectation to be happy. Before I personalize this idea using Franky and his new brother, I’m going to bring an example of this that I just witnessed at the park on Tuesday.

We ran into a mother I know and her daughter who is 5 years old. The mother informed me that her daughter has just started transitional kindergarten. So I looked at the girl and said, “How do you feel about school?” The girl was sitting by us playing in the sand. She dug her feet in the sand and looked down when I asked this.

So the mom immediately chimes and said “it’s good right S?”

The daughter looks up, doesn’t really smile, and continues to look down and ‘play’ with her feet in the sand. I wanted to say something. But the mom kept going…

“You really like school.”
“It’s so fun.”
“School is good.”

The daughter didn’t seem to agree. Clearly her body language was hinting otherwise.

I tried to look at the girl and say something along the lines of “School is something new huh?” Hoping this might start a conversation, maybe give the girl the opportunity to open up about how she really feels. But I didn’t get a chance.

My point with this story is that, the adult (in this case the mom) is so preoccupied with the hope that her daughter enjoys school that she misses the fact that her daughter clearly has some differing feelings.

The reality is, maybe school isn’t so fun all the time. I mean, we can all relate to that?

But when we instill this type of expectation, then the consequence is when the child doesn’t feel the same way they end up feeling guilty. Constantly hearing “school is so great, you love it, etc” but feeling like it isn’t so great can be very emotionally confusing for anyone, especially a child.

Doing this all the time to a child teaches them not to trust their own feelings. I mean if everyone keeps telling me I’m supposed to like school and I don’t then maybe my feelings are wrong.

But feelings are never wrong. That’s why with this type of parenting philosophy we let our kids cry, we don’t distract, we acknowledge feelings.

So why am I bringing this up 5 days after giving birth to my second child?

All I’ve heard the last month and ESPECIALLY the past 5 days are people looking at Franky, with huge smiles, and saying things like..

“You’re going to be a big brother!!”
“Are you excited to have a brother!”
“Oh my god you have a baby brother now!”
“How exciting!”

And you know what, I don’t think Franky is feeling excitement. I think he’s feeling confused. I think he is wondering where his place is now in this new family unit we have at home. I think he sees me constantly with the baby and wonders if I still love him. I think he notices at night that the baby is in our room, and then feels sad that he can’t also spend the night in our room.

Yes, these are all just feelings. And yes it’s only been a few days so how do I already think all these things from just a few days… Well I’ve spent the past two years carefully observing my son, and building up his emotional intelligence. And I think I can give pretty good guesses now to how he feels based on his body language, demeanor, and behavior throughout the day.

Does he show absolute adoration for his brother, of course! Did he ask right away to hold him and then give the biggest smile as he held the baby in his arms, yes! Does Franky tell us to check whenever he hears his brother cry, he does!!

But does that mean he’s excited to be a big brother?

Can a two year old even understand what that question means?

It blows my mind that people would even ask this before the baby was here. Like this person who his whole existence has only known life with me and his father can understand the idea that soon it won’t be just him.

Anyway I’m getting a little ranty, that’s the lack of sleep and hormones I guess.

The point is, sometimes open ended questions are better. “How is being a big brother?” Instead of “Don’t you love being a big brother now?” The first opens up the door to authentic feelings. The second implies that being a big brother is great.

Obviously I don’t expect everyone to have these deep emotional conversations with my son about his state of mind. That’s my job.

I just wanted to share my view on this, in hopes that as the adults and the ultimate models to our children, we will think before we impose expectations to be happy in every situation. That we don’t take it personally when our children don’t enjoy school, or the present we bought them, or the activity we planned, or the hug we want to give, or whatever.

It’s not personal.

This is how they feel and our job is to hold space for that feeling.

Anyway stay with me these next few months as I attempt to find time to share with you what life has become as a mother of two, using the respectful approach to parenting.

meltdowns are my fault too…

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Although I wrote about my steps to get through the wave of emotions that emanate from my 2 year old son, I find it important to ask myself, why am I here?

Why have I found myself in meltdown city, again?

Sometimes toddlers just need to release a lot of pent up emotions. I get that. They live in a world where they feel things strongly and can rarely verbalize exactly what they want. Even when they can say what they want or need, they aren’t always met with a “yes!” Their lives are often controlled by us, their care takers, and that is hard sometimes.

But other times, there are things that lead up to meltdown city.

This morning we took an extra long time to make our way downstairs. There was playing and exploring in my bedroom. I needed to take a shower which caused delays. My son is into moving his stool from room to room to play with the light switches. He kept saying he was hungry and wanted pancakes, but then would get distracted by something new. By the time we did everything we actually needed to get done (brush teeth, change diaper, new clothes), it was already later than normal and we were both hungry. Very hungry.

So we get downstairs, and now my son is on the verge. I can feel it in the air.

I rush him into his learning tower where he can stand at counter height and ‘help’ me cook. I hurry to bring out all the ingredients and start pouring things into the measuring cup so he can pour it into the big bowl. I am rushing. He feels it.

He is mixing and it is getting messy. I’m trying not to care.

He said he was done (mixing) and lifted the whisk out of the bowl to hand to me. The batter was dripping all over the counter and floor. I snapped, a little.

We were both on the verge…

I started the stove and got the batter ready to pour. My son started demanding the big spatula, but when given that one he demanded a different one. He then started crying for gold fish. I normally never give him snacks before breakfast but I caved. I felt  bad that we were taking so long to get breakfast going so I opened the cabinet of his snacks to hand him a small bowl of gold fish. Big mistake.

He sees all his snacks and starts changing his mind as fast as I can hand him things.

He throws his bowl on the floor. Gold fish everywhere.

Now I’m angry, trying to clean up the gold fish while simultaneously pouring batter on the pan and make those gosh darn pancakes already.

We were in meltdown city.

It was awful. It was a disaster.

And the worst part was that I led us there.

Reflecting back on this whole experience, I am shocked that I didn’t think from the beginning to just hand him a bagel and have that be our breakfast for today. My son loves plain bagels, and it takes less than a minute to prepare. I could have had him at his table, eating breakfast with a cup of milk in no time.

Maybe he would have insisted for pancakes since he did ask for them earlier, but I doubt it. Even so, I could have dealt with it in the moment. A simple “you really wanted pancakes but I prepared bagel for you this morning.”

Instead, I fumbled in the kitchen and went through the motions of cooking with him. Cooking is already an activity that is iffy because I am trying to ‘direct’ him a lot while allowing him the space to explore and learn in the kitchen. It’s not my favorite but my son really enjoys helping me prepare food.

That was my mistake. I led us through all the small setbacks that ultimately drove us to a meltdown. And I write “us” because I was hungry and angry and sad and exhausted too.

I am writing to make a promise to myself to be more aware in the moment. So much easier said than done. But I know that it is like a muscle that takes practice. I need to start being more conscious of the environment I am creating and avoid situations that could lead us to a meltdown. If I take too much time upstairs and he has already expressed his hunger => bagel breakfast. Simple.

Not really that simple. Actually parenting is never simple. And there are SO many moments throughout the day where we have to make split second decisions that can shape both of our emotional outcomes. That’s so hard. But maybe the act of physically writing about it will help me remember? It is so hard to be calm and rational in those moments though.

So the point of this blog post is to humbly spread awareness that sometimes we parents cause the meltdown. This is especially true when we are dealing with a hungry or tired child.

I don’t have an answer to stop this. I don’t have a “just do this and this and you can avoid meltdowns!” solution. But maybe we don’t need to stop it. Maybe it isn’t about avoiding meltdowns but more about being aware of why they happen and how to get through them in an emotionally healthy way?

 

meltdown city

Desere

Last week I talked about fear based parenting. Parents are struggling to allow feelings to exist and therefore react out of fear instead of holding the space for these feelings to be.

Let’s talk about when these feelings are super intense, and what you should do. Let’s talk about the ‘meltdown’.

I wanted to write about this specifically because my son has been having a lot of meltdowns lately, and I know how draining and exhausting it can be for a parent. So here is my advice to get you through those meltdowns, while following a respect-based parenting approach.

  1. acknowledge
  2. wait
  3. acknowledge and set the limit
  4. wait, wait, wait

Acknowledge

Acknowledging your child’s point of view NEEDS to be the first thing out of your mouth, always.

If your child starts with something like “I want that toy,” avoid the tempting desire to rebuttal. Don’t respond with “no” or “you can’t have that” or “I can’t get that for you” or whatever. I guarantee this will escalate the situation. From my recent developments with my son, the situation will escalate no matter what so don’t add fuel to the fire.

This is not the time to reason with your child. Toddlers cannot reason when they are feeling something strongly. They are not calm and they are not themselves. They don’t have the capability to stop their strong emotions yet. To assume they can sets everyone up for failure.

Make eye contact. Stop what you are doing and get down on their level. Then repeat what they say, word for word.

“I want that toy.” > “You want that toy.“

“I want a cookie” > “You want a cookie.“

“I want to go there.” > “You want to go there.“

Don’t imitate them. Whether they whine or yell, just repeat them but in your own natural, calm voice.

Wait

You acknowledged what they wanted, word for word. Now wait. Sometimes this is enough for your child to move on. Sometimes they just want to be heard. Don’t we all?

But sometimes this is not enough. And often, their response is either the same thing, “I want that toy!” or the more emphatic “I REALLY want that toy!”

Acknowledge and Set The Limit

Again, repeat what they say and now add your reasoning. Now is the time to set the limit, to put up a boundary.

“I REALLY want that toy!”

“You REALLY want that toy! I hear you. You cannot have that toy because it is not ours and we are leaving.“

“I REALLY want a cookie!”

“You REALLY want a cookie! I hear that. You cannot have a cookie because it is time to eat dinner and here are the meal options I have for you.“

Whatever your limit is, keep it simple and honest. Talk slow but don’t go on and on about why you are saying no.

Of course there should be a valid reason for your limit. Don’t push back just because. As parents we often find ourselves feeling like we need to say no so our child won’t become spoiled, or needy, or whiny. But what if my son wants something and there is no real reason to say no? Then what lesson am I teaching by saying no to just say no? Or what lesson am I teaching by saying no and lying about why?

Anyway assuming you have a valid reason and have set the limit. Now just wait out the storm…

Wait, Wait, Wait

Wait is a magic word in RIE parenting. We wait for our kids to hear us. We wait for our kids to feel what they feel and come out the other side. We give indirect commands by describing a situation and waiting for our kids to move. We wait for kids to work things out themselves. We RIE parents wait, a lot.

This is the hardest part for me personally. My son is crying hysterically and I am sitting on the floor waiting. I am seeing all of his rage and it is so hard not to take that onto my shoulders as well. It is hard for my heart not to hurt to see him so lost within himself that he cannot breath because he is crying so hard. But I wait. I wait it out. And that is what you need to do too.

This could take a few minutes (lucky you!) or an hour. And if you are like me that means you are sitting in the garage on the floor for an hour waiting for your son to calm down. It sucks, but nothing good comes out of getting angry or mad or sad about it. My little human is figuring out what to do with the HUGE emotion he is feeling. The last thing he needs seeing me lose it and then try to figure out how to deal with that too.

You are the parent, you are their calm. You are the adult, you are the model. 

You don’t need to keep repeating your limit either. Remember, your child can hear you. Your child heard the limit you set when you said they cannot have whatever they want. It is only demeaning to continue repeating that limit. Hold the limit by just sitting and waiting.

Your proximity is physically letting them know you are there for them emotionally. You are using your body language to let your child know that you are not backing down or ignoring them, but that you are holding true to what you said earlier and are there for them to release how they feel about it.

I like to open my arms to see if my son wants to be held. He usually only backs up further into the nearest corner. I know my son is done with his ‘meltdown’ when he finally does comes to me and lets me hug him. But every child is different, of course. The point is, be there for your child while they feel the wave of their emotion, in whatever way they need.

The last thought I will leave you with is the idea that because we too are human, we have emotional triggers. As Rachel, a fellow respectful parenting blogger describes, “Triggers are those things that when your child does/says/feels them, you have an involuntary negative response.” She continues “The most important part of parenting with triggers is remembering that you’re NOT having a reaction because your child is behaving a certain way. You’re having a reaction because of what that behavior means to you and that is triggered from your own past experiences!”

So when you find yourself in meltdown city, try to distance yourself from your own triggers and let the storm pass.

You can read about what Rachel recommends to do about triggers here, I highly recommend it.

fear based parenting

Desere1 Comment

Hi readers!

It has been a long (LONG) time since my last post, and I apologize. But I’m back and ready to discuss more parenting aha moments since we last spoke. There has been a lot.

Today I want to talk about fear based parenting, an idea we discussed recently in my RIE class. We were talking about observing other parenting styles at the park, and how parents are so quick to react when their children get upset.

Ironically, an exact example of this happened today while on my daily morning park excursions with my son.

My son picked up a toy that belonged to another child. The toy was not being used by the other child, just laying on the floor. The child noticed my son taking the toy, rushed over, and began saying “Franky no Franky no” while trying to take the toy back. My son held his ground and did not let the other child take the toy. He held on tight and kept walking away. After this continued for some time, the child trying to grab the toy and my son walking away, the child began hysterically crying and looking at her mom.

The mom picked up a similar toy and tried to give it to her child, but the child only wanted the one my son was holding (understandably). The child continued crying and getting incredibly emotional. So the mom went to my son, took the object in his hand and gave him the similar toy to take instead. The mom then gave the desired object to her child and said “here just stop crying.”

Just stop crying.

This is a fear based response. This mother was so fearful of her daughter’s outrage, of her daughter’s emotions, that she would do anything to stop it from continuing. And I guess it worked? But what does anyone learn from this?

What does my son learn from this exchange?

Well being the easy going guy he is, he just sort of let it all happen. However I think he was mostly confused. He also has a lot of respect toward adults, and I think that is why when the adult took the object from him and gave him another one, he took it without a fuss. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t want that other object. He wanted the one he picked up from the ground.

But the mother didn’t care. She was too fearful to care.

Thankfully my son knows I would never act this way. And I look forward to talking to him about this exchange later today to see if he has any feelings to release about it. He might not and either way we will both move on.

But what does the other child learn from this exchange?

The other child learned when you really want something just cry and look at your mom, and she will fix it for you.

This child also learned that you can manipulate your parents using your emotions, because the mom would do anything to get her to “just stop crying”. This also means she learned that crying is bad and should be stopped immediately.

Oh and this child learned it is in fact ok to take toys from other kids when you want them because that is after all what she saw her mom modeling with my son.

And the reason I wanted to write about this example is because there is a huge idea underlying the differences between fear based parenting and respect based parenting.

It’s all in how we view our children.

Most parents view children as mini representations of themselves, but not necessarily as beings who are capable of intellectual thoughts and feelings. So when a child does something bad like hit another child, or has a meltdown, the parent reacts out of fear. What will the other parents think of me? How do I make this stop?

Respect based parenting is about viewing children as whole beings, beings who have ZERO impulse control and who have strong emotions sometimes. Our job is teach children how to feel those big emotions, safely of course, and know that they will get through it. It’s called holding the space. 

In the example above, the mom’s job was not to fix it. The mom’s job was to hold the space for her child to feel what she was feeling. To let her child know she hears her and is there for her. To let her child know that she sees how much she wants that object, and that Franky is holding it. And then leaving it there.

This is not the case of my son taking the object from this girl. Even though I have similarly strong feelings about that type of scenario which you can read here.

Anyway I don’t know. The whole thing really bothered me. I wish more parents can begin seeing their children as amazing and complex human beings who are just as worthy of their emotions as anything else. And sometimes those emotions are anger or sadness and that is ok too.

And not to get too political or anything, but maybe if more parents (especially parents of boys) held the space for their children to feel, we would not have so many men in our society who clearly cannot handle strong emotions and therefore do things like sexually assault women or shoot up schools… just saying…

Clearly I am emotional about this… I can feel it as I am writing. Maybe it’s because I am pregnant. Or maybe I just use this blog as a way to release my own feelings about it. Either way, thank you readers, for holding the space for me to do so.

self advocating

Desere

One of the biggest things I tried to teach my students when teaching high school was to self advocate. If you need help, get it. If you have a question, ask it. If you have an idea, share it. I used to tell them to take ownership of their education. Being transparent, I told them, there are 30 of you and one of me, so make your voice heard.

I believe self advocacy skills are incredibly important. As a mom, I want my children to be able to articulate their needs and learn how to make decisions about their own life.

The thing is, as their primary caretaker it is my job to advocate on behalf of my children right now, and that is really hard.

This parenting philosophy that I follow, RIE, is different. And because it is different I often find myself in situations with other moms and other families where I need to advocate for what I believe is best for my son.

I was at the park and my friend put her daughter, same age as my son, in the toddler swing. Franky walked over and was watching his friend being swung. He touched the other toddler swing. The mom told me to put Franky in as well. So I explained that I don’t put Franky into places he can’t get into himself. But this mom persisted on telling me that my son is obviously asking to get in the swing. I knew what felt right in my heart, but standing up to this mom was tough.

Bending down and acknowledging my son while he whined about the swing, letting him know that I hear him, telling him he can continue playing with the swing the way he was, all while the mom was watching me… was all so tough.

Some may argue to just put him on the swing but I really don’t believe in doing that. I believe in giving my child the opportunity to learn physical awareness and he does that by testing his own limits on what he can and cannot do. Ever since he was little, I never put him into positions he cannot get into himself. This way, he is never in a position he cannot get out of himself. This is a strong aspect of RIE and I believe in it. So I held out.

But did I mention how hard it was?

Now, anyone who knows me knows I am a pretty outspoken person. Yet when it comes to parenting, I don’t always feel outspoken about my beliefs. With parenting, everyone and anyone has an opinion. And moms so often feel judged because no matter what we do or believe in, someone has something to say about it.

And I think that’s what makes my self-advocating, as a mother, really difficult.

The other day we were at a family’s house. The parents began telling us about a new video game they bought that was really fun for adults and kids. They got so excited telling us about it they decided to show us. So they turned on the TV and began playing.

I never mentioned this on my blog before but I believe in screen-free parenting. 100% screen free. Franky has obviously seen the tv when out and about, but at home we never have it on. So when that giant screen went on, my son stopped playing and became a zombie in front of it. Now maybe if he did that for a minute or so and then continued playing, I would have let it go. But my son just stood there transfixed, and I really didn’t want our time with this family to be spent with my son glued to this new and fascinating thing.

I knew I had to say something but I was so nervous. Several adults and kids were playing the video game. Everyone was having a good time. I knew that by saying something I was going to kill the vibe….

I pulled the mom aside and began to explain. I was trying to put a lot of effort into my words, because I didn’t want to come off as judging her for her choices. I just wanted my voice heard. So literally feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, I stumbled out the words that we don’t do any screens with Franky. I told her if they can turn the TV off I would be greatly appreciative.

Now, of course this mom completely understood and turned the tv off. But it was so awkward. And why?

Why was it so awkward and hard for me to advocate for my views. I mean, isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to stand up for our kids, all the time!? But how do we stand up to other moms who are also struggling to figure out what they are doing on the day to day?

I am still struggling to understand where my insecurities come from. These are the things that truly make parenthood so hard.

And above all else, the hardest part is knowing that I am the biggest model for my son. If I want him to grow up standing up for what he wants and needs, he needs to see me doing the same. So in light of the new year and people talking about their resolutions, here is mine:

I hope to continue and stand up for my son, for whatever I feel is best for him.

I hope for the strength to advocate for what I believe is right, even if no one in the room agrees. 

I have seen the outcomes of my choices. I have seen the result of screen free and respectful parenting. I believe in what I am doing…

So I guess, in a way, writing about my parenting style is my own way of self advocating.

what you say and how you say it

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When your child does something ‘bad’, how do you react? What do you say?

The power of our words is huge when we believe in a respectful relationship built on communication. But it is not only what we say but how we say it.

Depending on the words we use and our tone, we can either be punitive in the way we interact with our little ones, or instructive. Considering these people are still learning who they are and how to be in the world, being instructive will go a lot farther.

For example, using the phrase ‘thank you’ can change the dialogue when you feel like your child is really testing you. 

Thank you for letting me know you really want that. You cannot have that because…

Thank you for letting me know this is too much for you to do, I am going to pick you up now…

Thank you for letting me know you need my help right now.

Thank you for showing me how you feel. I understand. 

Using this phrase, we instantly change our mindset. Instead of thinking ‘what are you doing!?’ or getting angry that our child isn’t listening, we take their actions as a call for help. We take their behavior as a signal that they do need us. Saying a phrase like something above is more of a reminder to us, the adult, that our child is telling us something. They are not trying to be bad just because.

This phrase, thank you, can also be used at the end of our own sentences instead of ‘ok’. This is something my husband and I struggle with a lot with. We will often tell our son, “I am going upstairs to flip the laundry, ok?” But why am I adding the ‘ok’? Am I really asking my son’s permission? Of course not. I am going upstairs. That is definitive. I am simply letting him know so he doesn’t worry about where I am and knows I am coming back.

Simply stopping to say the last ok is tough to do. So sometimes instead we can say thank you. It’s a temporary fix for our mind which still wants to add that last phrase. “I am going to the bathroom, thank you.”

Our word choices mean also giving options rather than demands. I described the idea of indirect commands here. Saying something as easy as

“Can you move by yourself or do you need my help?”

Either way, the child has to move. There is no option to opt-out. However instead of demanding “move out of the way!”, we are providing the choice. We can go further by first stating what we observe:

“Someone is at the door and wants to open it, you are sitting next to the door.”

Pause… this may be enough for your child to move. Wait and see. Children are incredibly logical thinkers. Give them a chance. And if not, no biggie, no reason to increase our volume or get angry. Just continue with “Can you move out of the way yourself or do you need my help?”

Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect and it’s very easy for adults to disrespect and disempower children. It is easy to disempower them by not acknowledging their needs. But our phrasing can fix this. 

A child is hitting. We do not ignore this. We say, “You really need to hit. Thank you for letting me know. I cannot let you hit another person, I have to keep everyone safe. Here is a doll (hand them a doll) that you can hit.”

The point is that we are not disempowering the need the kid has. We are not punishing the kid for having this impulse. We are instructing them how to safely carry out this impulse. We are taking their action as a sign for help, not a symptom of the terrible twos.

If you constantly disempower kids, they will find another way to seek out this power. This is why people label toddlers as ‘terrible’. They are constantly seeking out the power that is constantly taken away from them. This is why redirection and acknowledgment is key. We are not reinforcing the behavior. Our words are clear. It is just how we say it that makes the difference in the parent-child relationship. 

don’t talk about me

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How often do you find yourself standing in a group of people and you begin talking negatively about someone standing in that group? 

Probably never… because that would be so incredibly rude. Right?

But if we don’t do that to other adults why is it ok to do it to our children? People won’t even talk about strangers rudely in front of them, but so often treat their own flesh and blood with such disrespect.

If you are still unsure what I’m getting at, let me describe what happened to me a while ago at the park.

I was sitting with another mom whose daughter is 3.5 years old. Our kids were playing in the sand, maybe 4 feet away from where we were sitting. We talked about this and that, until the mom began telling me about her daughter’s temper tantrums and how uncontrollable she is during these times.

So I did what you would have done. I nodded and let her talk. It felt weird that she was describing her daughter in such a negative light while her daughter was so close to us, but I figured this mom just needed to vent a little.

The problem was the mom kept going. She really got into the details of this girl’s meltdowns. So much so that she then stood up and began demonstrating what the girl’s face looks like and how she walks when she is angry. This grown woman was stomping up and down the sidewalk between where I was sitting and where our two children were playing, hands in the air. I mean writing it down right now seems so ridiculous.

But the part that breaks my heart, is when I looked at her daughter, she had stopped playing and was watching her mother.

And you know what? This happens ALL the time!

I am always at the park or a playdate, listening to mothers talking rudely about their children who are often standing right by our legs.

This behavior is not ok.

Our children are in fact always watching and always listening to us. They are learning about life from us. This is easy to forget, because they are so small. It is easy to take advantage of them because they rely on us for so much. But these are human beings and speaking about them negatively in front of them is rude.

So what to do if you find yourself in situations like the one I described above that make you very uncomfortable. What to do when you hear someone disrespecting a child like this?

1. Draw attention to the child’s presence

I was uncomfortable in the above story but did nothing. When I relayed the entire story about the mom modeling her daughter’s temper tantrums to my RIE teacher, she suggested helping the parent become aware of the child’s presence.

For example, when the mom started talking about her daughter and I saw the daughter looking over, I could have said directly to the daughter “S you hear your mommy talking about you” or “S, your mama is telling me about what happened when you were at the store.”

Sometimes, people just forget.

Sometimes when you are home all day, every day, with your children, you crave adult interaction so much that when you get to the park and have another listening ear you unload everything and anything. I get that.

So simply redirecting the focus on the child by including them somehow in the conversation, can help the parent realize that the child is right there, and they are listening.

I try to do this whenever my husband gets home and I begin talking his ear off about every detail that happened that day with our son. I see Frank is listening because he hears his name, so I turn to him and include him. “Franky, I am telling your daddy about how today you climbed the big tower … how you played well with so and so … how you got upset when the other boy took the truck … etc.”

It takes time, and getting used to, but rephrasing things like this helps me focus on my son’s presence.

2. Have a conversation with your child

My RIE teacher also asked me if my son noticed the mom ridiculing her daughter. She told me that talking about what happened when we got home would be incredibly valuable.

Something along the lines of “Today at the park you noticed that mama talking about her daughter. That was not very respectful and it made me uncomfortable. I saw you looking up and I wonder if it made you uncomfortable too.”

My son is only 1.5 years old, so that is where that type of conversation would end. Maybe when he is more verbal, he will be the one starting conversations like this with me when we get home. But at least I know that I have expressed to my son that I was uncomfortable with what happened. After all, I am modeling the person I want him to be. So that brings me to my last point…

3. Choose to model respect

Our kids watch us and copy us because we are their idea of what the world is like. We model relationship and communication. When my son is watching me, I want him to see that I treat people around me with respect. But I can only hope he understands this by also treating him with respect as well.

Choose to be the best person you can be for your children. Choose not to talk about them rudely in front of them. Choose to be brave enough to stand up to this type of disrespect in the moment.

My teacher often reminds us that “Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect.” And frankly, so should we as adults.

indirect commands

Desere

A child climbs on a chair.

The mom runs over.

“No! Get off the chair.”

The child smiles.

A power struggle ensues.

The parent has a want. In the above example, the want is for the child to get down from the chair. And it may seem obvious to simply and matter of factly state that want to your child. But a command like this “get off the chair” along with our demeanor and volume can send so many messages to our child.

Remember, toddlers are stressed because their daily life is filled with wants they cannot pursue. When we behave like this they aren’t getting the real message. And the real message is simple. You are up high and it is unsafe. I feel uncomfortable and would like for you to get down.

Then why not just say so.

This is the difference between a direct command and an indirect command.

Direct command:

Get off the chair.

Indirect command:

I see you are up on the chair. You are very high. That is unsafe and I cannot let you climb that high. Can you get down yourself or do you need help?

Both convey the ultimate goal of getting the child down. But a direct command does not always work. Direct commands may succeed out of fear, and maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you want to show your child who is really in control. But when an adult yells or gets angry at a child, the child often smiles or laughs, which only makes the adult more mad. Children think it is funny when they get a reaction out of adults. They will probably do whatever they can to get another one. So the adult continues to get angry eventually grabbing the child and swinging them down.

What did all this accomplish?

Does the child now understand why they were told to get down?

Will they stop next time before climbing and think about whether they should continue?

The answer is no. They have no idea why mom (or dad or whoever) got so upset and why they were angrily picked up and swung down. If anything, this is fuel to do it again to get an understanding of why they are getting such a reaction from the adults around them.

Children are so new. We forget to really put ourselves in their shoes sometimes. They are learning EVERYTHING about how this world works and where they fit in. Something big like this happens and they instantly have so many unanswered questions. So the next day when they are back on that chair, they aren’t trying to piss us off, they are trying to understand.

If instead we really try to treat our children with the same respect we show adults, we would never think to act this way. We would say the truth, that we are concerned and that it is unsafe. We would see if the child can get down by themselves, which if they got up then they most certainly should be able to get back down. We help by guiding them down if needed. This could be holding their hand or placing a hand on their chest so they feel your presence. It could even be as simple as being close and telling them where to put their feet next.

The next step would be to stay close and block this action from happening again. Simply blocking and saying “that is unsafe I will not let you climb up there again.”

Ideally, they have a yes space in the home where they are safe to do whatever they want. Any unsafe things like chairs or whatnot are not in this space or are gated off.

The next step is to take your child’s behavior as a message. My kid really wants to climb. He is not trying to piss me off or hurt himself, he just wants to climb. Kids are just that… kids. They have biological needs. They are tiny but have oh so much energy. So yes, they really do need to climb and run and jump, daily!

The real question is, as my child’s caretaker, how can I safely address this need?

My teacher last week told us about a book she read recently on relationships. The book was about the research done by the Gottman Institute on reflective relationships and giving advice. The research found that before anyone should give advice to another person, they need to first truly put themselves in that person’s shoes. You need to understand where they are coming from, completely, before you can offer your opinion. This type of reflective relationship can be done by listening and acknowledging how a person is feeling first. I have talked about this idea a lot.

In respectful parenting this idea of first acknowledging our child’s wants and feelings is huge. Ultimately we are not dictators to our little ones. It is easy to forget this because they are so small and rely on us for so much. But because we are building a bond based on trust and respect, we do not force them to do things or make them do things. We give our advice, and hope through trust and respect that our children respond.

But they will only respond once they feel like someone understands them, someone is on their side. When they are not victimized or penalized for being… well for being a child who is new to our world.

You want to climb. You need to climb. I cannot let you climb on this chair because it is unsafe. The floor is very hard. Let’s go find somewhere safe for you to climb.

im stressed

Desere1 Comment

I’m stressed!

Well… duh. I’m a mom. Of course I’m stressed. But that’s not what this post is about.

“I’m stressed” – thought by every toddler everywhere. And that might seem like an unusual thing to think about…

Because something we take for granted is the fact that toddlers who are incredibly powerful but incredibly small are constantly dealing with stress. They’re constantly dealing with power struggles, with things that they want to do but can’t. They want to go outside but can’t. They want to throw but are stopped. They want to scream but are shushed. They are constantly told ‘no’. And all of this puts stress on them.

So what do we do about this stress? I am not just going to let my son do whatever he wants so his life is less stressful, of course not. I have wants and needs as his mother and as a human too. However there are some things I can do to avoid adding more stress to my little guy’s life.

Predictability

The more predictable his daily routine is, the less stress I inflict. Eating meals at around the same time so our little one knows when to expect to be fed. Sleeping around the same time so our little ones don’t get over tired. These simple things often contribute to the toddler meltdowns we are all so familiar with and can often be readily avoided.

Furthermore, going somewhere new, meeting new people, joining new activities, all of this just adds to the stress. This doesn’t mean you can’t go anywhere ever. Just limit your outings to new places maybe once a week. And when you are deciding if somewhere is worth it, just remember to ask yourself who is this really for? (I talk more about this here)

Freedom

One thing that helps is making sure our kids have a yes space where they are completely free. A yes space is something referred to in RIE as a place in the home, preferably gated, that there are no “no’s”. In other words, everything is completely safe and free to be used whenever and however your child wants. This closed and safe space gives our kids the freedom to do what they need to do, whether it is to climb safely or bang objects on the floor or throw balls around. And strangely enough, having this space smaller than you would think, with less stuff, gives them the clarity and safety to continue playing for long periods of time.

And it is not enough just having this space, ensuring that your child spends most of their time in this space with open ended objects and minimal intervention from you is key.

Your child also deserves freedom in all settings, to a degree. Here I am talking about avoiding being the ‘helicopter parent’. Giving your child the space and the confidence in their abilities helps not put added stress to whatever situation they are in.

This week in class, my son and another boy were both climbing the wooden steps structure. The other boy started saying ‘no’ to my son and tried to push him off. The boy’s mom lunged forward to stop her son but the teacher stopped her. Instead of rushing over, the teacher firmly told the boy that he is pushing Frank and that is dangerous. The other boy instantly stopped and faced the teacher, listening to her words. My teacher later explained that using our voice commands enough attention and energy to help in these types of situations. Especially now that the kids are 1.5-2 years old. Using our bodies often commands too much energy, and only adds more stress to the situation. She said many times, when we lunge forward, we actually escalate the situation and can cause more damage.

Having confidence and minimal intervention really play a huge role in allowing our kids to problem solve, learn social cues, and gain trust in themselves as individuals.

Crying

Do you ever have those days where you just need a good cry? Not only do I have days like this, since becoming a mom this feeling is overwhelming sometimes. And I don’t want anything other than to just sit and cry it out.

Well sometimes… our kids need that too.

One time in my RIE class, one kid was playing with a toy bus and another kid kept taking it away from him. Every time the bus was taken, the kid would cry and cry. He was incredibly upset. And because of our history and experience with one another, because of the teacher’s familiarity with this toddler, she saw his upset as more than simply being hurt that his toy was being taken. He was using this time to cry as a real release, because of stress. And he felt SO much better after a good long cry.

Toddlers want things that other people have. Toddlers want to climb things that are dangerous. Toddlers don’t always get what they want and that’s stressful.

They really need moments to release this stress which is why it is so important to just let them cry. I know crying is uncomfortable, and it may seem like they are often crying over something that seems trivial. I know something inside just makes you want to stop them from crying as fast as possible. To show them something new or grab them and pick them up to distract them. However crying is a chance for our children to deal with big, and often new, emotions.

Sometimes when you change your mindset about something, you completely change how you react and feel about it as well. The moment we start thinking about toddlers as these little powerful beings who are just trying to figure out who they are, the more we see their crying and breakdowns as a release of the incredible stress they feel every day. We realize they are not trying to torture us as a parent, but are telling us things are too much and they don’t know how to deal with it right now. We realize our child is not bossy, they are just asserting their position because most of the time they can’t. We realize our child is not needy, they are just in a new place and maybe need some extra time with us before they are ready to go play.

Our job is not to try to ‘fix’ this but to accept that they really are new to this word and need us to be there for them. They need us to give them a safe and predictable daily routine, the freedom to be an energetic little human being, and sometimes just the space to let it all out when they need to.

So yea, your toddler is most likely stressed. But the most beautiful thing is no matter what happens, toddlers always get up and try again. They wake up the next day with a new perspective ready to tackle the world. They don’t hold grudges and they don’t take things personally. They cry and then move on. They live in the moment.

They are incredibly resourceful when it comes to listening to their bodies. They are in tune with what they need to be better again.  Maybe we need to learn a little something about stress management from them.

 

you dont need to show them

Desere

In my very first post I described the type of teacher I was and how I believed aha moments were pivotal to my classroom environment. It was so important to me not to take away my students’ aha moment and this influenced my style of teaching. I had to build this type of culture of students leading the learning.

I never lectured and I never showed my students how to solve anything.

This may seem like a weird thing for a teacher to say. I promise you, my students learned, a lot.

But the difference with my style of teaching was that they were able to own each aha moment. And there is something to be said about this. When someone shows you something and you replicate it, you may feel good that you can do it too. But when you achieve something on your own there is a whole new sense of worth.

I have seen students rise to the occasion. I have seen how being confident in my students’ abilities led them to actually figure things out without me showing them how. All I had to do was let go of this need that I had. A need to show them. A need to ensure they do it right.

I heard this with teachers all the time. If I don’t give them the formula how will they know how to solve the problem? or If I don’t show them an example how will they know what to do?

I understood. You don’t want your students to fail. You want them to do it right, to complete their homework, to pass the test, to move on to the next teacher without making you look bad. You want them to succeed in life.

So it is hard to sit back and wait. It is hard to let someone do the learning, to do the heavy lifting, other than you. Especially when you think it is your job to show them how to do everything.

It was hard for me at first too. I remember when I was working under my mentor teacher, I kept wondering what was the point to this style of teaching. How could it be worth it for some concepts which could have been learned in 5 minutes to actually take hours to learn? I’ll never forget the pythagorean theorem lesson.

How long does it take to draw this on the board, have students copy it down, and explain you simply plug in whatever numbers you have to solve for the unknown side? About 5 minutes. I remember my teacher in high school showing me this and then giving several example problems of doing just that. I remember being able to do the same at home and thinking I was a genius because I totally understood the pythagorean theorem.

But with my style of teaching, with my mentor’s style of teaching, this theorem took an entire 1.5 hour lesson. Without me describing every detail of that lesson right now, basically the curriculum uses a game and probability to guide students to develop this equation on their own. Yes, they literally come up with the pythagorean theorem by the end of the lesson. And yes it takes 1.5 hours, sometimes longer. But at the end students really understood why this equation looks the way it does. They understand why we square the sides and why it equals c squared. There is an entire progression to their understanding. And only at the end do we say, “oh actually the equation you just came up with, well a man a really long time ago named Pythagoras found it first so now we name it after him.” Every time I taught this lesson (or any lesson) my students were not only so proud of themselves, they enjoyed it! The best part, they remembered what they learned months later because of this deeper understanding.

But it’s hard to let go. It takes so much longer. It takes patience. It takes more work on your part than you think because you are sitting back and watching kids fail over and over without ‘saving’ them. You are thinking about how to guide them without doing it for them. But I promise you this way works. My students always got there in the end. They did because everything they have ever learned and seen and done in their entire lives is a part of them and has given them the tools they need to build off their own understanding. Sometimes they needed help, of course. But that’s when I used questioning to help, to guide them, instead of giving them direct answers.

Anyway, I’m telling you this because I want to continuously shed light on the type of teacher I was, which has played a HUGE role in the type of mother I am and the style of parenting I believe in.

As parents, we tend to think our job is to show our children how to do everything.  It was just like hearing the teachers, but now I hear it with parents. She will never know what to do if I don’t show her first. or I need to show him how to do it. 

First of all let go of that. Who cares?

Who cares if your child will use the little watering can as a drum for the next few years? Why does it matter for your one year old to know how to put the cymbals together to make a noise, or to pick up the crayon and draw something on a piece of paper?

I know you don’t want your kids to fail. You put things in their hands and do things for them. It is out of love and I understand this need as a mom, and as a teacher.

But it is a disservice.

Your child is not learning when you do things for them. They are not achieving anything, their brains aren’t growing, and they are not owning the aha.

If it’s a matter of saving time, when would you like to save the time? Is it worth it to save time now, when they are young, by showing them how to do things, only to be stuck years later with someone who can’t figure things out on their own? Someone who can’t persist through their own struggles? I mean it was like when I was teaching. The first 3-4 months were just setting up the classroom environment, setting up my students to rely on themselves and their groups instead of me. It was taking the time, excrutiatingly, to push students further and further so they see that they don’t actually need me to do everything for them. It was sitting with each group, one at a time, literally showing them how to work in a group and how to share ideas. It was setting up this foundation which took so much time and effort in the beginning of the year, so that by the end I was able to sit back and enjoy the learning happening all around me, often without me.

Furthermore, part of respectful parenting is treating your kids like you would adults who you respect and care for. Would you buy someone a gift, open it for them, and show them what to do? I mean, that’s crazy and demeaning. I can’t imagine doing that for my husband or my mother or anyone. So why do we do this with our own children?

Let them do whatever they want to do with whatever object they have in their hands. (as long as it is safe of course) Let them explore. Let them be young and creative.

You are worried they will never figure something out, but children’s minds are inherently explorative. They are constantly learning everything around them. Their brains are working and growing at max capacity. It has to be for them to learn to crawl and walk and talk and eat and everything. So just naturally they will try everything until something works. When we enjoy the process rather than the product, we enjoy watching our little ones figure things out rather than showing them what to do each time.

Earlier I mentioned that teachers feel like their job is to show students how to do everything. But shouldn’t it be more than that? I could care less if students remembered the binomial theorem or even the formula for area and volume. We have computers for that who can do it better and faster than us anyway. Instead I always felt like if I could send out to the world people who knew how to work together and problem solve, who knew what to do in challenging situations, and who knew that where there is struggle there is also strength, then I would be a successful teacher.

I knew that the trivial mathematical stuff didn’t matter, but the characteristics they were building in my class did.

Shouldn’t it be the same as a parent? Do we really care about showing our children every thing that crosses their path? Do we need to stress ourself out to make sure they do everything “the right way”? Or should we instead be striving to raise resourceful, persistent, confident, cooperative, aware human beings?

Let’s focus on who they are. Let’s trust them. Let’s do less so they do more. 

‘sharing’

Desere

Last week the most interesting thing happened in my RIE class, and it involves the idea of sharing. This idea is pretty taboo in the world of respectful parenting and there are several important reasons for that. But before I talk about that, let me describe specifically what unfolded in class.

A boy, let’s call him Max, was playing with a toy school bus. He was incredibly immersed in his play. A second boy, let’s call him Erik, arrived and was immediately interested in the truck as well. This was the first time this toy was out, so understandably Erik was drawn to it, as were all the children in class when they arrived. Also when toys are being played with they are animated and much more fascinating than static toys on the floor. Regardless of the reason, Erik was looking at the bus and went towards it.

Erik took the bus. Max started crying. Erik immediately stopped and turned around to look at Max. The teacher said “Max you had the bus and now Erik has it, that made you upset. Erik you see Max is upset.”

After a while of staring, Erik took the bus with him to another spot and played with it. Max was still crying in his mother’s lap. After a few minutes, Erik dropped the bus and moved on to something else. Max immediately stopped crying, went over, grabbed the bus, took it back to near his mom, and began playing with it again.

Several minutes go by, Erik sees the bus in motion. He comes back and grabs the bus. Max again completely breaks down. Erik stops. He stares at Max and again the teacher describes the situation. There was no blame, no victim, just the facts. “Max you had the bus, now Erik has it. Max really doesn’t like that. Erik you are looking at Max.”

It seemed this time Erik stared for longer. Then he turned around, took the bus to another spot. After few minutes when the bus was again abandoned, Max stopped crying to retrieve it once more.

This scenario repeated over and over. Each time it appeared that Erik stared at Max, bus in hand, longer and longer.

Eventually instead of dropping the bus Erik would bring the bus back to Max and then go play with something else.

And finally after excruciating transfer over and over of the bus between the boys, Erik brought the bus back to Max and sat down next to Max. Both boys continued to play cooperatively with the bus for several minutes. Afterwards, both boys moved on.

So let’s get back to the hot topic of sharing. The last scene I described would be considered as a scene of Erik sharing with Max. But the buildup to this was so much more substantial. I watched, along with the other moms, Erik take the toy over and over. And I watched closely Erik’s face as he stared back at Max breaking down. Why was he staring for so long at Max? He had the toy, which is what he wanted. Why not just go and play with his trophy? It’s not like Erik never heard crying before. There was more to the way he was staring than that.

And when we talked about what happened I realized what was going on.

Erik was learning cause and effect. Erik was learning that Max’s crying was a reaction to his taking of the bus. Erik was learning about the power he yields. Erik was growing.

You see cause and effect are complicated things to teach babies and toddlers. It takes a certain cognitive awareness to understand when I do A, B happens. Simple things are learned early on. When I push this ball, it rolls away. When I drop this toy, it hits the floor and makes a noise. But emotional cause and effect take much longer to develop. Things like when I hit this person, they cry because they are hurt. I mean, think about that. It is kind of an abstract thing to think about. For someone to truly understand this type of emotional cause and effect, they need to have a certain level of empathy first. They need to put themselves in someone’s shoes. They need to be aware of others’ thoughts and feelings. This is complex.

And here we have this 18 month old, having this HUGE aha moment.

Erik was always the first to do things in class. He was the first to walk when everyone was still crawling. He was the first to climb when everyone was walking. He was always very confident and knew the power of his body. Now he was learning the social consequence of this power.

Let’s not forget about Max. Although he may not have ‘grown’ as much as Erik throughout this process, Max still went through something incredible. He went through trust and mistrust. When Erik would bring back the bus directly to Max, that was building trust and relationship. But then Erik would come take it away, mistrust.

The end seemed to hold the biggest growth for Max. When Max arrived at class he clung to his mom. He found the bus and brought it right next to his mom so that he could sit in her lap while playing with it. Every time he went to retrieve it, he came back to within inches of his mom. Only after Erik ‘shared’ and the boys played together, did it seem that Max felt finally free to move on as well. Only then did he leave his mother’s vicinity and begin to participate in the class with the everyone else.

After such an incredible scene, where is my issue with ‘sharing’ then? Well let me tell you…

So many times have I been at a play date or at the park, and seen what adults think about ‘sharing’. Let’s say this exact thing happened anywhere other than RIE class. Erik comes and takes the bus from Max. Max cries. Erik’s mom immediately rushes over, grabs Erik’s hand, takes the toy, and returns it to Max. She then admonishes Erik for his inability to share. This not only is something that Erik, at this age, has no ability to comprehend, the violence with which this all happened is sending him a message that it is in fact ok to rip a toy out of someones hand, because after all that’s exactly what his mom just did to him. Erik is now confused about the mixed messages. And Max never has the chance to a) let out his feelings, b) get the toy back, or c) find another toy to be satisfied with.

All for what? Because adults think that sharing is so important if we don’t force it at a young age our children will grow up to be horrible selfish monsters? Or is it that a child’s crying is so uncomfortable, that we will do anything to fix the situation.

Well what if Max needed to cry? What if Max was crying from the bus being taken, but was also letting out some feelings that he had pent up and this was his only time to do so? What if at the end Max felt free to leave his mom because he let out some really good cries?

We don’t need to fix it.

So often when a child takes a toy from another child, he/she is completely unbothered.

Or, they are bothered and want to do something about it. I have seen a child try to take someone’s toy, and the child holding it will tighten their grip, or turn around and walk/run in the other direction. I have seen a child take someone’s toy and the child then goes to find something else.

Resiliency. (as my teacher always reminds us)

We are not raising monsters. We are raising resilient, problem solving human beings. We are raising people who do not need us to intervene and fix things for them. Not in this case anyway.

I think back to what I saw in class and how incredible it was to watch Erik grow so much within one hour. I think about how that opportunity would have been completely lost in any other setting. And once more I am convinced that respectful parenting is right for me. Because we respect our children and the choices they make. We trust them. They will ‘share’ if they choose to. They will share when they are ready. In the meantime, just sit back and observe. Some incredible growth could be happening before your very eyes.

The most fascinating part… in this week’s class Erik kept doing something that validated his growth. When he arrived he kept ‘checking in’ with Max. It was like, he knew this was someone he has influenced in the past and he was still curious about what this other person was experiencing. Whenever he would hold the school bus he would look back and find Max. There was a new dynamic, a new bond between them.

Incredible.

 

you really want to

Desere

My son is throwing things. Everything.

At just beyond 15 months old he is entering a serious limit testing stage. He knows I am not ok with him throwing, yet everyday he throws things again and again.

So the issue is, how do I handle this?

In my RIE class if anyone starts to throw, the teacher says “You are throwing this (cup, bowl, ring, etc.) but it is hard and unsafe to throw. You can throw a ball.” If the kid keeps trying, the teacher usually gets up, gets a ball and brings it to the kid and says again “I will not let you throw.” She blocks his hand from throwing the object. She holds out the ball and tells the kid “this ball is safe to throw.” Often enough, the kid takes the ball and throws it.

Ok, easy enough to start doing at home. So I did, and it kind of works. I tell my son that whatever object he is holding is unsafe to throw and that I will not let him. He usually continues to try to throw it despite my hand blocking him, and he sometimes succeeds. I’m sure if I grabbed his wrist or yanked the object away from him I would be more successful, but that is not in line with respectful parenting. There should never be a moment you stop violence with violence. And yanking a kid’s wrist, no matter how “softly” you try to do it, is violent. The most respectful but impactful thing is to place your hand in the way and block.

That is, hand is flat, hand is up, and you are blocking whatever action you are trying to stop. Kind of like blocking in basketball…

 

I’ll admit, I get really bothered by him throwing things. I try to stay calm and be consistent as I hold the limit. But I can feel myself getting angry and hot inside. I keep reminding myself that he is just learning who he is. He is testing his power, he is growing every day so much. He has all this new energy all the time and is trying to figure out what to do with it. He isn’t purposefully and maliciously throwing objects around.

He isn’t trying to make me angry. He just really wants to throw. And I think that is the piece I am missing when redirecting him at home. His want.

Coincidently (or not) we talked more about this in this week’s class. You see, it is not enough to tell my son that I won’t let him throw the object because it is unsafe. I need to acknowledge his need.

“You really want to throw right now.”

“You really need to throw right now.”

“I can’t let you throw because it is unsafe, because it is heavy.”

“I won’t let you hurt anyone.”

My teacher calls this, the meeting of the minds. First, I acknowledge that you really want to throw that. Then I let you know that I really don’t want you to throw that. He has a want that I am acknowledging, and I have a want that I hope he acknowledges as well. Meeting halfway.

As adults we know that every relationship is a two-way street. The same goes with our toddlers. This is not a totalitarian regime. I am not his all-mighty dictator. I am building a respectful and strong relationship. I am using trust and communication to teach my son how to navigate this new world of his. I am speaking with authentic words because I believe in the power of words. I am modeling non-aggression with non-aggression.

Is it easy? No way.

I often have to sit close to him so that I can keep blocking him from throwing unsafe objects.

And he is still throwing stuff. Every. Single. Day.

But that’s ok. He is a kid. He is a unique person who is learning who he is and what his place is. My job is to hold limits with confidence because that’s what he needs, a confident care-taker who is keeping him safe.

Respectful parenting isn’t permissive parenting. My son is not getting away with things because I want to be a ‘respectful nice mom’. The difference between this type of parenting style is that I am first accepting his behavior for what it is. I am not trying to shame him or punish him. I am not trying to teach him something beyond his cognitive abilities. He is throwing objects. That’s the fact. There are some things that are ok to throw and some things that aren’t.

My job is to continue to acknowledge his wants and needs, while redirecting him so he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else.

And yes… the struggle is real.

power of our words

Desere

Last week my son kept waking up in the middle of the night. He is getting some molars so this is expected. Nevertheless several months ago I told myself I would stop breastfeeding him in the middle of the night because it became too much of a habit for him. He expected it whenever he woke up. He was dependent on it to fall back asleep. Now any time he wakes up I go to his room and try to get him back to sleep. I offer him his water which is always in his crib at night. I try to calm him down without picking him up. All this usually works… eventually.

Anyway the other night, my son is up and crying. I go to him and whisper “I am here, I love you, I hear you.” Then I wait. I pat his back and wait for about 10 minutes until he lays down again. I wait until he is sucking his thumb and his eyes seem heavy. Then I whisper “Laila tov” (good night) and leave.

I close the door and walk a few steps down the hall…

He is up crying again.

Sometimes I see if this is just a few seconds worth of crying, whereas I won’t go back in. But this continued on for a few minutes so again, I went in.

“I love you. I hear you.” Pat the back. Lay down. Calm. “Laila Tov.” Leave.

Crying…

Ok it’s happening again. Maybe he needs a diaper change.

So for the third time that night I walked back in. “I hear you Franky, I am going to check your diaper.” Nothing there. That’s when I realized, in my exhausted state, that maybe I’m not saying the right words. But I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed.

That’s it! Just be authentic.

“Franky I love you. I am going back to my bed to sleep and you are going to sleep here in your bed. Laila Tov.” I didn’t wait until he laid down and was about to fall asleep. No. I spoke the truth, I said what I wanted to do and what I had hoped for him to do. I turned around and left. I went back to bed.

And so did he.

Could it have been coincidence or was it really magic? Did he need to hear where I was going to be when I left the room or was it just third-time-is-a-charm syndrome? Was he simply exhausted from crying for the third time? I have no idea! I am kind of hoping it was because of my words…

Well the next night, sure enough, in middle of the night he woke up crying. Here is the opportunity to see if my words mean anything. 

So this time, the first time going in, I whispered “Franky I hear you. I’m going back to my room to sleep and you are going to sleep here. Laila tov.”

And that was it. He went back down until the morning. (so did I!!! yay)

This happened a few more times this week. Every time I said the same honest sentence, with confidence. Every time he listened to me and went back down for the rest of the night.

Could it have been coincidence each time? Who knows? No one can truly know exactly what was going on in my son’s head. I choose to believe in the power of words.

And it isn’t just that I was speaking words, it’s that I was speaking them honestly. During the day my husband is sometimes in awe of how I ask my son to do things and he listens to me. That’s because when I talk to him I do so with the confidence that he is listening.. and then he does.

Yet people still think babies or young children can’t hear our words. People think that when my son lifts his legs up for me to change his diaper, or throws his napkin away after eating, or stands aside when someone is opening the gate, that it is all just luck. I got lucky with a ‘good’ baby. You know parents that practice respectful parenting hear that a lot… hmm…

But maybe, just maybe, treating your child with respect means communicating with them authentically and trusting them to listen. We all know communication is key to any healthy relationship. So it only makes sense if you want this type of relationship with your child, and better yet if you want your child to develop healthy and respectful relationships with others, all you have to do is talk to them.

Tell them what you are going to do before doing it. Talk them through changing their diaper so they can participate. Ask them to decide which foot to put through the pajamas first. Tell them why you are stopping them from doing something. Ask them to participate in their own life. Just talk to them. 

People, no matter how young their age, are still people. When you do things to them without saying something, without asking for participation, you are simply objectifying them. And this is what I see all the time. Parents objectifying their kids because they don’t believe their kids are worth being spoken to with respect. “Oh she is just a baby, she’s fine.”

The thing about respectful parenting is remembering that the thing we teach our children the most, is ourself. So be your most authentic self. Speak honestly. Treat with respect. Trust. This is what you are teaching your child to do. This is who you are teaching your child to be.

don’t assume

Desere1 Comment

As parents we make a lot of assumptions on behalf of our children. We assume that they’re tired. We assume that they’re bored. We assume that they’re angry. We assume that they’re scared.

When we are at a play date and see someone take our child’s toy, we assume our child is upset. When we see our child fall, we assume our child is hurt.

But young children run on instinct and are driven to explore. They are directed by an internal motivation to play, and through that play learn instinct and experimentation. They are impulsive and can’t always be rationalized with. They feel … strongly. All of these reasons are why we cannot assume things about them.

Let’s look at some specific examples.

when they play

Parents constantly assume their kids are bored. This is one of the biggest criticisms I hear about RIE parenting, that doing baby-led play instead of playing with our children leaves them bored. This is completely untrue. Babies and young children don’t get bored. They could be pausing to think about what they just touched or did, they could be deciding where next to go, they could simply be taking in a reflection they see from the window. Bored… they are not. And if they are bored, it is a consequence of being constantly entertained without the freedom of uninhibited play. Don’t worry this is easy to fix, just let them be bored.

As for child-led play, we also cannot assume they want to do something with a certain toy. That’s the whole point of this type of play, is letting them play and learn while we observe. They might pick up something simply for the look of it, but if we join in assuming they want to play with that toy, we are officially directing their play. It is no longer theirs. This is why Magda Gerber urges caregivers to step back, let your child do the playing and you will be amazed at the things they come up with. But this means getting rid of biases and assumptions of what ‘play’ is.

when they steal

One child is holding a toy. Another kid comes and takes the toy away. The “stealing” kid’s mother comes over, yanks the toy from their hand, gives it back to the first kid, all while saying something like “no don’t do that, you have to share, that is not nice, if you don’t share we are leaving.” How many of you have seen something like this?

Why are we assuming that young children are bothered by toys being taken? Moreover why are we assuming our child needs us to fix the situation?

If your child is the victim, let them be. Let them learn resourcefulness. Kids live in the moment. They will either try to get their toy back or move on. They may even go find a replacement toy. How cool is that!? They might go find something else to play with because they understand someone has their original item of interest. And why take that aha away from them? Why save them? If they are upset, that’s because they just learned they can’t always have everything they want. That’s an important message in life.

If your child is the stealer, then so be it. They saw something that seemed interesting and went after it. As long as they took it respectfully, which they often do if given the chance, then why stop them? I feel like it is more out of fear that we step in. We are afraid the other kid is upset. We are afraid someone will judge our child for being a bully.  We are afraid someone will judge us for not doing something. But this isn’t about you, the adult, who has life experiences that taught you about repercussions and complex emotions. It’s about the child. Janet Lansbury eloquently writes, “Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning”.

Stop trying to fix it.

when they fall

I see this all the time, a small child falls and the parent rushes over in a panic. The parent fusses as the child learns the power they now have over their caregiver.

I get it, when my son falls my heart stops. It’s indescribable the fear I feel in that moment, wondering if he is all right. Most of the time… he is. I am constantly amazed at how non-fragile babies and kids are.

The problem when we do this is we assume they are in pain and and they feed off this assumption. When we rush over, we are sending several messages to our kid. We are telling them falling or getting hurt is the worst thing that could happen and that they need us. We create a dependency on ourselves to save them from what they are feeling.

I find however, simply stating what you observe is the best thing to do. It helps them make sense of what just happened, and build resiliency. My son often hits his head and I tell him that. I don’t say “poor baby are you ok oh my gosh.” I also don’t try to make him forget with “you’re ok, it’s fine, nothing happened.” I walk over normally, ensure my face is in a natural state, and tell him “you hit your head, I saw that.”

Then I read the situation. If he is still crying hysterically I tell him I am going to pick him up, and I hold him. More often, he calms down and looks at me. Sometimes he looks at where he hit his head, sometimes he puts his hand on his head where he got hurt. He is making sense of what just happened, and I am helping him do it without being his “hero” who saves him from the situation.

This is hard to do, of course, because like I said my heart literally stops when he appears to get hurt. But then, I realize my assumptions that he is hurt are often wrong and seeing him continue to play seconds later makes me confident of this method.

when they “talk”

Often when a toddler says something, we assume to know what they are referring to so we can respond. I mean what else can we do when our toddler is speaking to us using one word sentences? We look at their body language and their tone and deduce the meaning of their message.

What I’ve learned however is sometimes the best thing you can do is, again, say what you observe.

A boy in my RIE class oftentimes points up at the snack table on top of the cabinet and says “nak”. He usually does this before snack time starts. At first his mom would say “you are hungry and ready for snack” or “you want snack”. But he would just keep saying “nak”. Our teacher told the mom that maybe he isn’t hungry. Instead of assuming he is hungry, just say “you see the snack table.” The mom did, the boy lit up and walked away.

You see sometimes they just want to feel heard, feel understood. And acknowledging them this way does so without unknown assumptions. No deniability, as my teacher says. By simply stating what we see there is no denying what we are saying out loud to be true or false, as the case with the boy who wasn’t hungry but just saying he sees the snack table.

Another example that happened in my class was a boy kept saying “daddy.” So the mom tried to rationally let him know daddy is home and they will see him when they get home. The boy persisted. All throughout class, “daddy”, “daddy”, “DADDY”.

The teacher turned to the boy and said “you are saying daddy, you really want daddy.” The boy looked at her, then went on to play.

 

So what’s my point with all this? What are we to do? We are humans who assume. Assumptions help us navigate our world. But too often babies and young children are treated as objects because we assume things for them. They are people, through and through. Assumptions about them simply underestimate their abilities.

I had a teacher in high school who used to tell us “to assume is to make an ass out of you and me.” Maybe inappropriate to be telling this to high school students, but the message stuck.

So stop assuming. Just be there, acknowledge, and trust.

when do children learn empathy?

Desere

We talk about empathy a lot in my RIE class. But I never witnessed this quality in my son. Until this week’s class.

At every class at least one mom takes the opportunity to leave her child and go to the restroom. My RIE teacher calls this our laboratory, a safe place to practice leaving our child knowing they will be supported and respected while we are gone. Not always, but many times the child left will cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child stops playing and watches.

I have watched as the child cries, another child begins to cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child crawls over and sits with the child until the parent comes back.

But my son never did any of these things.

My son always continues playing. There are times when he even starts giggling. Giggling, as in… he is so immersed in his play he is giggling over the crying.

Rarely he will glance over at the crying child.

But then this week… it happened.

A girl’s mom told her she was leaving. The girl began to cry. And my son instantly stopped playing.

I don’t know if it was because she was a girl. I don’t know if it was that he is now at the point in his life, with enough maturity, that he understands this type of suffering. But now, at just shy of 14 months of age, my son showed empathy. He kept walking over to the little girl, then backing away. He never took his eyes off her. There were moments when he made small noises, as if to match her cries? And then the mom came back and my son was pointing up at the mom as she walked through the door. It was as if he was saying “hey, she’s back, she’s back!”.  Perhaps signaling to the little girl?

But the girl was beyond the point of sadness because she couldn’t stop crying. She was unable to control her emotions, so the mama sat with her little girl on her lap.

I thought that this was it with my son, but it wasn’t. He kept checking in on them. He kept watching. The girl was still crying and Franky continued to feel for her.

At some point, my son went up to both mom and girl, and just barely, softly, touched the little girl’s hand. He then walked away. And the little girl stopped crying. She was watching Franky and soon enough was again ready to join him and the others.

It was just so beautiful and it was so sensitive.

My teacher has talked to us about how babies often cry when they hear crying because they have a sort of innate sense of empathy. But in the beginning this is just mimicking. At some point, it becomes more. Children really begin to understand that crying stems from a place of suffering, a place of sadness, that crying is not just noise. And this understanding establishes a true empathy within the child. Since this is a complex thing, it happens at a different stage for each child. And now, with careful observation and the perfect environment to allow such a situation to unfold, I believe my son achieved this quality.

Because of my background as a teacher, or maybe just my personality, I am always trying to learn more about RIE. I am particularly fascinated by what it looks like beyond the first two years. I ask my teacher and anyone I know who has raised their children with this philosophy, how does RIE look when our kids are teenagers? What sets RIE kids apart from non-RIE kids later on in life?

Well one of the things I often hear is compassion, because RIE is about relationship-based caring. RIE kids are just more compassionate. In preschool, elementary school, high school, and throughout their entire life.

I am not trying to say non-RIE kids can’t be compassionate. Of course some kids are and some kids aren’t. But this parenting philosophy allows kids the opportunity to develop compassion. It is because we let the kid cry and let the other kids see it. It is because we trust what kids are feeling to be real and authentic. It is because we create an environment that embraces emotion instead of stamping it out.

This is why RIE kids care more. They feel more. They are more.

And I think that such a beautiful thing!

bedtime part 2

Desere1 Comment

Last week I wrote a whole post about babies having a bedtime. Basically I vented about when I go out late at night, I see too many babies and families, the babies are crying, and from my interpretations, the crying is tiredness.

But before I dive into the deeper issues of not adhering to a baby’s bedtime, I want to first clear up any issues I may have caused by writing my little rant the other week.

Now motherhood is hard. And I am not saying that in the cliche way that we hear all the time. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the whole world and unfortunately you only really understand this once you become a mother yourself. Therefore the last thing I ever want to do to you, my readers, is place judgment on you as a mother.  Motherhood is hard enough without judgment and critiquing.

That being said, my blog is about respect. Specifically respecting babies. My goal is to write about a parenting style that is centered on the idea that babies are capable, understand us, and are worthy of trust and respect.

That being said, there are exceptions. Because we are human. And we are not perfect. And we aren’t supposed to be perfect. So…

You have no one to watch the baby and need to run out for last minute errands. I am not judging you.

You go out all day, maybe with friends. You enjoy yourself and miss baby’s bedtime. I am not judging you.

You work everyday, get home late, want to spend time with your kids but also need to get groceries or buy some clothes. I am not judging you.

Now, if this is something you do on the daily then yea I am passing a little judgment. The instances I described in my last post didn’t seem like a once in a while venture out to Target. The parents were ignoring or trying to shush their crying baby so they could dilly dally on their phones and peruse the store. And I simply don’t believe that is in the best interest of their child.

I say this because I see babies as more than they are.

And that’s the whole point of this site. I want to open your eyes, too. I want you to see your baby for more than they are. I want you to sit back and watch your baby “play“. I want you to wait and let your baby struggle before ‘saving’ them. I want you to talk to your baby while doing things to them like picking them up or changing their diaper. Because when you do this, when you really start to create habits like these, babies become more than babies. You will start to see them as whole beings. And once you see them this way, you start to feel for them more. You start to question whether the mentality of “oh he is just a baby it’s fine” is the best way of thinking about things. You start to wonder “would I want anyone treating me like that?” And once you see your baby and all babies like this, you can’t turn it off.

My goal is not to place judgement on you as a mother. When I wrote my last post, even when I wrote about not taking babies to Disneyland, I am describing what I see from the baby’s perspective. And I am doing this to help you see it as well.

I am a teacher at heart after all. Even though I am not RIE certified or credentialed in early childhood development, I believe I can still teach you. I can teach you how I empowered high school students in a subject most adults shudder when mentioned. And I can teach you what I have learned studying this parenting philosophy so far.

If you don’t agree with it, we are all good too. There is no black and white with parenthood, and you have to do what feels right to you.

As for me… I believe in RIE. If you do too, then let’s officially get back on track and dive into the bigger issue underlying my rant from last week.

Why is it so important that we adhere to a bedtime schedule? 

Babies and kids crave routine. The more consistent the environment, the more they will flourish. Routines give babies confidence and security. This security lays the foundation for babies to learn and apply their learning. Because of this constant learning and adapting, the moment you mess with the predictable, you throw off a baby’s world.

Furthermore, there are countless researchers that have shown a correlation between bedtime and cognitive development. Irregular bedtimes are linked with lower scores in reading, math, and spatial awareness. Irregular bedtimes are linked to behavioral problems. Irregular bedtimes are even linked to self-image issues.

But most importantly, irregular bedtimes means you are not putting your child’s needs first. It means you are taking the repetition and routine away from your baby. It means you are going to have a screaming baby. It means you are probably going to get angry or frustrated yourself. It means you are setting yourself up for failure.

Remember how hard being a parent is? So let’s avoid these types of situations if we can. Just respect and trust.

Respect your child’s needs.

This includes being fed and in bed on a consistent schedule.

Trust your child’s ability. 

The more consistent you are, the more they will follow through. Babies and young children are capable of holding up their end of the bargain. They will eat and they will sleep because it becomes a predictable part of their world.

Lastly, because I am passionate about this parenting philosophy I am going to call out any behavior I believe undermines babies and young children. I am not out to criticize you or your choices. I am here to spread knowledge. I have gained a lot of insight when teaching high school students a specific way. And the specific way I taught has now forged the type of mother I have become.

So trust me when I say, I am not here to critique your parenting choices.

But do respect the experience I bring to the table.

babies have a bed time

Desere

Let’s be real, the only time I can run errands alone is late at night after Franky is asleep. Every now and then I say “Laila tov” (good night in Hebrew) to my son, eat dinner, and head out. That means I usually get to my destination of Target or some other store at around 8pm.

As I peruse the aisles, I can always hear the same noise. It doesn’t matter what day I go. It doesn’t matter if I am there at 7pm, 8pm, or 9pm.

Babies are crying. 

Oh, Desere. So niave. Babies cry, it’s normal. I wrote a whole post about normalizing and being comfortable with crying and sad feelings.

True. Crying is ok.

But as caretaker our job is not only to be there for our child when they cry, it is to figure out why they are sad and if it is something controllable, avoid it. For example, hunger and tiredness are completely avoidable. We are not perfect, obviously, but we can do our best to get our kids fed and in bed. (#fedandinbed)

Therefore, this crying I keep hearing late at night is 100% avoidable. Do you want to know how? Ready…

BABIES HAVE A BED TIME!

It’s a simple tenet of parenthood.

Whether you adhere to putting them in bed at a certain time or not, babies have an internal clock. At a certain time, different for everyone, they will be ready to sleep. If they are not in bed at that time, they will cry. This is biology.

I get it, we all want to be this mom:

Hitting the town.

Stars twinkling.

Baby in stroller, probably asleep and cute as ever.

Looking good.

Feeling good.

Bonus points: heals and slim dress

But this just doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen because babies have a bed time. And as hard as it is, we can’t always be selfish and go out late at night just because we want to. Especially not for the first two years. We gave that right up when we had our baby.

It is your prerogative to go out of course. To each their own.

But don’t give me those “Oh sorry I don’t know why she is crying” looks because it is so simple, your baby is tired.

I try to ignore it! I try to ignore it because unfortunately going out to run errands at night is sometimes the only alone time I get. It feels good to be out. It feels good to be alone. So I try to be happy and do my shopping. I pretend like I am a single gal shopping at 9pm like it’s a normal thing to do on a Tuesday night.

But I can’t ignore it. The mommy lens is permanent. I can’t take it off.

And that mommy lens is magnified with respectful parenting clip ons.

This means I see it all. I see the mom stuffing more and more snacks in her 18 month old’s hands so she will stop crying at 9:30 at night. I see the dad flipping the 8 month old boy in the air to get him to stop crying. I see the babies in their strollers, fighting the straps that are constraining their bodies from getting into a comfortable sleeping position. I see the bulging eyes because of the noise and the fluorescent lighting.

I also see the parents. I see the parents on their phones as their baby is crying. I see parents buying bikinis as their baby is crying. I see parents embarrassed that their baby is crying.

Don’t be embarrassed. Go home. This is not a parenting aha moment. Your baby is tired.

…

rant over

 

the first two years

Desere

I’ve been struggling with independent play since beginning to learn and implement RIE about 6 months ago.

I felt like whenever I needed to leave my son, after letting him know of course, it would be a toss up whether he would continue playing or stand and cry awaiting my return.

How can I enforce better independent play? After all, RIE speaks of growing a babies ability to play on their own into their toddler years and beyond. Independent play builds character. It builds creativity.

So why wasn’t it working every time?

If I sit in his play yard or in the same room, he will play without even glancing at me for what feels like forever. But I have to be there sitting with him.

Am I doing something wrong?

Then my RIE teacher said that for the first two years, the care giver really shouldn’t be doing anything that takes away their attention while the child plays.

Wait a second. Didn’t I write a whole post about how it is important for my child to respect my needs? Didn’t I speak to the importance of leaving them alone?

Well of course, we are human. If we need to use the restroom or even take a breather in another room, we are entitled to do so. But what my RIE teacher is referring to, is remembering that our job for the first two years is to set up a foundation. I wrote about this before. The first two years are about trying out these principles, and laying the groundwork for our children to be independent, to learn strength through struggle, to have manners while eating, and to listen to our words.

To build trust takes time. To fully build a foundation for the RIE characteristics to appear later on in our child … takes time.

This means that as the caregiver we need to entirely dedicate ourself to our child, as much as reasonably possible. When our child is awake, that is NOT the time to fold the laundry. It is NOT the time to clean the dishes. It is NOT the time to work on the computer.

Not for the first two years.

This applies to feeding as well, a topic I talk about a lot. And I talk about feeding a lot because anyone with a child knows, feeding becomes a big part of your life.

The other day I was speaking with a fellow RIE mom about how we feed our children on the floor, at their own little table, giving them all of our attention. And we both agreed that sometimes this feels weird. It feels weird because meals are often social events. In my culture, in most cultures actually, eating is a time to bond.

Therefore sometimes it feels weird that my son eats by himself on the floor. It feels weird to eat dinner with my husband while my son plays. Why not just put my son in his high chair so he can sit with my husband and I, and we can eat together as a family?

Because Desere, that’s not what I need to do for the first two years!

I am teaching my son how to eat right now. For the first two years, he needs me to focus on him. He needs me to pay attention. He needs me to make sure he is safe. He needs me to watch him pick up his glass cup full of water without dumping it on himself. He needs me to watch him use his little fork and spoon.

This is part of the sacrifice I need to make.

But only for the first two years!

When he is older, when he has learned how to eat and have manners while doing so, then OF COURSE we can sit together. We can do this because we have now laid the foundation of what it means to eat a meal.

RIE is often mistaken to only apply to the first two years of a child’s life. But this isn’t true. What RIE does is it gives parents the tools to build the character of their baby for his/her entire life. Many of these ‘tools’ take the first two years to build.

And I relate to this idea a lot because of how I used to teach. I used to think of myself as the type of teacher that was giving my students the tools to problem solve for their entire life. I didn’t care if my kids knew formulas or equations by heart, or if they could solve problems that looked like the problems I had exemplified on the white board.

What mattered to me was that when my students were facing problems in their life, when they were struggling, when they had to work with a group, that they had to tools to overcome these obstacles.

Similarly this respectful parenting philosophy gives us the tools (trust, respect, slowing down, etc) to help our kids develop. And many of these RIE tools require investment during the first two years. 

it’s the process not the product

Desere2 Comments

I wrote about the RIE approach to feeding my son, and since he was 7 months old this way of eating has really worked for both of us.

But now he is 13 months old, and he is eating more than ever. Sometimes I feel anxious that I can’t keep up with how much he can eat. I worry if he is getting enough veggies and carbs, if he has the right balance of protein and fruit. He also loves flavor, so I am constantly switching up the spices, being careful not to add too much salt to anything.

Some days, he eats a lot. He can eat 3 eggs in the morning, a bagel at lunch, and a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

Other days, he barely eats.

I make chicken flavored one way and he will eat the whole thing. I make chicken flavored another way and he seems to hate it.

It drives me crazy.

And it makes me nervous.

I know he needs to eat. He needs to eat so he can grow. He also needs the energy. So I get preoccupied with what he is taking in.

But its not supposed to be about what he is actually eating. Feeding times are a time to bond, and a time to teach him manners. I am supposed to be teaching my son how to eat.

Some days he takes the food, some days he does not. Who cares? He won’t starve. I give him plenty of opportunities throughout the day with breakfast, snack, lunch, and dinner. On top of all this, I am still breastfeeding a few times a day. So I know he won’t starve. Kids aren’t built like that anyway. If he is hungry he will eat or cry to let me know.

So why am I worrying so much? I need to trust him! RIE is about trust!

Today I made him scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato. He barely ate, spitting a lot of it out once it hit his tongue. I kept wondering why he was spitting it out. I kept taking more on my fork and trying to feed him directly.

Then I stopped myself, and remembered, it’s not the product that matters, it’s the process. I need to slow down…

So I scanned the situation.

Is he sitting down completely? Sometimes he squats, which should not be allowed because he can too easily pop up and leave with food in his hands or in his mouth. I made sure his butt was on the floor before he grabbed any food.

He is also now practicing using a spoon and fork. He just started taking them away from me one day, so I always give him his own set and let him practice using them on his own. I still have my utensil so I can offer him food directly.

But again, I need to remember this is a process. If I bring my fork toward him and he opens his mouth, he wants food. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. We can’t force someone to eat, just like we can’t force someone to sleep.

Sometimes he is working so hard on getting his own spoon in the bowl of yogurt, that he could care less about the spoon-full I am offering. And that should be ok. He is barely past 1 and is using his spoon! I should embrace this and encourage him in learning to use his utensils. After all, my job is to teach him to have manners at the table, right?

Of course that being said, the moment he starts swinging his fork back and forth trying to push food off the tray, I should stop him and say something like, “I will not let you do that, the fork is for eating not playing.” Because … manners.

I decided to write this because at my RIE class, we have begun doing snack time. It goes fairly similar to how I feed my son at home, but with 5 or 6 other toddlers and a lot more chaos. My son rarely sits down for snack. I can tell everything is just too stimulating for him. The toys are everywhere, there are kids all around doing their own thing. He will go to the table, and then a kid might crawl by holding something and my son gets instantly distracted.

So I asked my teacher if it was ok that he isn’t always participating in class even though at home feeding is going well. She told me, the purpose of class is to model how to feed this way. It is a parent guidance class after all. She was trying to show us how to approach giving our child food using trust and respect. The fact that Franky never eats in class means nothing. And then she continued to talk about process vs product.

So I guess I am mostly writing this as a reminder to myself.

I need to stop worrying so much about the product, about what my son actually gets in his mouth. I need to focus on the process, about how my son is learning to eat, manners and all.

RIE: a history

Desere

In my education program, I taught a curriculum called IMP, Interactive Mathematics Program. This curriculum was developed in 1989, so it has time and experience behind it. And can I just say, I love this curriculum! I love how it puts the heavy lifting on the students. I love how the problems aren’t contrived but are really applicable to daily life. I love how each unit has a central problem students have to answer, like “How long is a shadow?” or “Do bees really build it best?”, and through answering these problems they are learning mathematical concepts.

The school where I got a job, however, was not using IMP as their curriculum. But after my first year, I was able to convince my principal to adopt it. Then throughout my second year, I was able to convince 9 other schools to do the same. I did this by allowing teachers to come and observe me, and holding professional development conferences about the curriculum and my own experience with it.

You see when schools were forced to adopt Common Core a few years ago, many had to switch curriculums in order to comply to the new standards. Common Core is just a new set of standards. But for mathematics, these new standards imply that students have more opportunities to collaborate, problem solve, and have deeper conceptual understanding.

The schools in the system I was working in kept trying different new curriculums, but each curriculum seemed to fall short. Students were not learning. Grades were not improving. Teachers were miserable. This is because all the new curriculums that claimed to comply to Common Core were too new. There were too many issues that needed to be worked out. Honestly most of the new books I saw were literally the same original textbooks that we all had growing up, but with “group work” sprinkled in. It was old, masked as new. But because everyone was in a rush to implement Common Core, the curriculums came out before they were ready.

Consequently during my second year, I made it my mission to convince as many schools as I could to adopt IMP. Because I knew IMP was successful! It has the history behind it that already proves its success. Furthermore, it is already everything Common Core is trying to be, but it was done in 1989.

So I have just told you how amazing this curriculum is. From the school’s point of view, it is 100% compliant with Common Core. From a teacher’s point of view, it is a fun and enriching curriculum. From a student’s point of view, it actually teaches understanding rather than memorization through stories and group worthy tasks. It has been around for almost 30 years!

Then why haven’t you heard of it?

Why aren’t more schools using it, if it is such a successful and enjoyable curriculum?

Well through my fight to spread IMP I realized, just because something is good, even really good, doesn’t necessarily mean it is well known. 

This brings me to RIE.

People keep asking me what RIE is. Which is understandable. It is not a widely known parenting philosophy. But it is not a new thing, and it is not a trend. RIE was founded in 1978, but the ideas that developed this philosophy stem from much earlier.

Magda Gerber, founder of RIE, was influenced by her children’s pediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler. Dr. Pikler worked with parents in the 20’s and 30’s to raise their children in an environment with free movement and minimal intervention.

In 1946 she opened up an orphanage in Hungary named Loczy to house the hundreds of infants found parentless after World War II. Dr. Pikler wanted the babies to be raised according to a specific philosophy:

  • trust in the child as a self-learner
  • intimate human relation with one primary carer
  • minimal interruption of child play
  • a lot of time for child play
  • independence in movement, choice, and activities
  • involvement of the child in all activities with the carer
  • respect

As a doctor, Emmi Pikler was specifically focused on the physicality of allowing babies to grow up without being taught how to sit or walk. She wanted them to develop gross motor skills on their own timeline.

Furthermore, Dr. Pikler ensured every carer took extensive notes. Each carer was in charge of 3 babies, and were to take weekly notes that tracked behavior and movement, as well as social interactions. Outside of these notes, there was several scientists and doctors who observed and carried out studies during the 60’s and 70’s. Research done on this philosophy and methodology continued because Loczy continued to raise children in this way for 30 years!

After Magda Gerber worked with Dr. Pikler in Hungary, she decided to bring what she learned to the United States. She became an infant specialist herself and began Resources for Infant Educarers® (RIE®) to continue educating parents and caregivers.

My point with all this, is that although RIE is not well known, it is not new.

But I get it, people who have just heard of it may still be hesitant and wonder, how do we really know if it works? Even I wrote a whole post about not knowing whether RIE will help my son become a respectful, secure adult one day. But just as I told teachers when they were training and learning IMP with me, they needed to trust in the curriculum. They needed to trust that it has been around and it does work.

We too, need to trust in RIE.

RIE has the history.

My RIE teacher has children in their 20’s. She told me she could always see a difference between her kids compared to other kids. My other RIE teacher just went to her granddaughter’s 8th grade graduation last week. She raised her kids using RIE, and they are in turn raising her grandchildren using the same ideals. She said it was such a unique experience being able to see her 13 year old daughter so self aware and confident.

This style of raising children has a history. And the history speaks for itself.

 

building a foundation

Desere

Last week I wrote about my idea of leaving your kids alone. When you need to do something during the day, or when trying to enforce their sleep, leave them alone. This is a way to build mutual respect.

This week I want to piggyback off this post.

I have talked to several moms who don’t necessarily buy into my ideas of leaving my son for a few minutes, or asking him to help me change his diaper. Other moms have tried, and tell me that it just doesn’t work. They try to go to the bathroom but their baby cries hysterically.

So they wonder, how can I be a self respected adult and go to the restroom? How can I teach my child to respect me and my needs, when they act like the world is ending if I leave the room?

Here’s the thing, this stuff doesn’t happen overnight.

I have been fortunate to stumble upon these ideas early on, and I have been working on each idea with my son for months and months now, persistently.

The ideas behind this respectful parenting approach take time. It takes time to implement, and it takes time to take effect.

So last week my advice was leave your kids alone.

Now I say if you want to be able to leave successfully, you have to first build a foundation of trust.

A foundation of respect and trust begins with communication. Before I was ever able to leave, I needed my son to trust me to come back. For him to trust me to come back, he had to believe my words when I say “I am going, but I will be back in a few minutes.” And he only began believing my words when I began asking him if I could pick him up.

Asking and telling him what I was going to do, before doing it, built trust and anticipation. I wrote about how anticipation begets cooperation. When you give your child the opportunity to anticipate what’s about to happen to him or her, they will more likely go along with it. More likely, but not always.

This means for months, I started with the idea “can I pick you up”.  I asked him, occasionally told him, and waited. I did this for months. (Am I stressing enough how long this all took me? Because it took months!)

Only after I saw that my son was listening to my words did I begin to tackle diaper changes.

That’s because in order to transform our changing table experience, I needed my son to hear me. He needed to hear when I said lift your legs up, or punch through your shirt.

Months went by (yes months), and I was working on building more trust through communication. You see it takes time to build a relationship based on trust and openness. It takes time for him to trust me when I say that I’m going to do things but that I’m going to tell him first.

Only after I mastered the changing table, did I move on to telling my son I was leaving the room.

My point is, you can’t just jump into leaving your baby and hope it works. It doesn’t even always work for me. And you can’t just start talking to your child on the changing table hoping for a miracle.

This was always a big parenting aha moment for me, that to implement anything with my son takes time and commitment. I first realized this when starting a bedtime routine with him. It took several days before we got our routine down. The key was continuing every night, same routine, same time.

When I taught high school, I used to have teachers come and observe me because of the curriculum and methods I was using in my classroom. Afterwards, they used to tell me how amazed they were with my students. They couldn’t believe how well they worked in groups, tried each problem, self-advocated when they were struggling, and vocalized their ideas to the rest of the class. They were impressed. I was impressed too.

But what I told the other teachers when they began training with me was that what they saw takes time. I couldn’t stress it enough. Everything they saw was the result of months and months of preparation. It took months of me sitting with groups, literally showing them what it looks like to talk and share ideas. It took months of randomly calling students to get them to actually listen to each other. It took months of celebrating mistakes for students to feel comfortable making them in front of each other, and their teacher. Basically I spent the first semester building this culture in my classroom.

So I have experience putting a lot of time in, knowing the results will be worth it.

Is it daunting? Of course it is. Everything about being a parent is daunting enough, without the pressure of also trying to build a respectful relationship with your child. But if you truly want your children to be raised a certain way, any way, you need to set up the foundation first. And it’s never too late to start. Start now. Just remember, it won’t happen overnight. And that’s ok too.

So be patient, be consistent, and be persistent. There are no shortcuts in raising resourceful, respectful, and competent human beings. Build the foundation now! Trust me, it will be worth it. 

leave them alone

Desere

Being a mom has taught me a lot about relationships. My relationship with my husband, my parents, and my friends changed, because I changed. And I expected this to happen because I knew being a mom would change everything.

But the one relationship I never really thought about before having my son, was the one I would have with him.

Over the past year I have been developing a relationship with him that was mostly based on his dependence on me. He depended on me for food and to maintain his sleep schedule. He depended on me for love and affection.

Furthermore adopting RIE into my parenting meant that I tried to base the relationship I have with my son on respect.

But now that Frank is one year old, I realized that it’s not enough for me to respect my son. I want a relationship based on mutual respect.

Well, what does a mutually respectful relationship look like with a one year old?

I think I show Franky respect when I give him space to play on his own (baby led play), when I tell him what I am going to do before I do it, when I ask for his help when changing his diaper, or when I think about his needs before taking him places.

I am teaching him to build respect for me when I leave him to shower, use the bathroom, or cook dinner. Because as a self-caring adult, I need to do these things during the day. And as a self respected mother, I refuse to give up these self caring acts, nor do I think I should have to.

And I really think leaving him briefly during the day to take care of myself, is teaching him to respect me and my needs.

So my advice for you to have this type of mutually respectful relationship with your baby or young toddler, is to leave them alone.

Don’t be with your baby or carry them around all day. In other words, attachment parenting is not recommended, it provides a false sense of presence. You will not be there by their side forever, that’s not how life works. Your child has the right to learn this.

Furthermore, your child has the right to learn how to be alone, that being alone for a few minutes is ok and that you will return (because you always do).

We build trust with our babies when we tell them “I will be back in a few minutes”, and then we actually come back. This idea takes time for babies to develop, of course. It relates to psychological development known as object permanence, I still exist even though you cannot see me. But there is no reason or harm in starting when they are little.

In fact there is countless research that shows as long as you are present with your child during the day, really present, there is no proof that they feel fear or abandonment when you are not there.

This brings me to my next point, sleep.

You cannot make someone sleep. You cannot make someone eat. You cannot make someone leave you to play with others. These actions require readiness, and your child will do them when they are ready.

Today in RIE class we talked a lot about sleep, specifically what happens when our child begins waking up during the night after months of being a great sleeper. What is triggering them to wake up? What is the respectful approach to handling them at that time?

We talked about different strategies on what to do. One mom recommended the happy sleeper method, and our teacher discussed the issues of using any one cookie-cutter method.

Babies wake up for all sorts of reasons, teething, a loud noise, stomach ache, hungry, over-tired, change in routine, developmental milestone, etc. We cannot treat every reason the same. We can, however, remember that we have needs as well. It is unreasonable to go in every hour, or for every cry. It is unreasonable to create crutches, tricks that our children rely on to fall back asleep (rocking, nursing, singing …) Remember, we deserve respect too. And no self-respected adult should go night after night losing sleep for no reason.

So instead we provide the timing and place for sleep. We provide a predictable routine. We acknowledge. And most importantly, we leave.

When it’s around 6:15 and I have completed the bedtime routine that I do every night, I tell my son that I’m going to place him in his crib and then lay him down. I tell him I love him, that I’ll be downstairs, and that when he wakes up I’ll be here. And I leave.

If during the night he cries for longer than a minute, I return and acknowledge. Remember, I am not a fan of the ‘cry it out method’. Instead I go in his room and say something like, “I see how hard this is for you, but this is resting time. I love you. I am going to go back outside.” I rub his back for a few minutes and sometimes even blow him a kiss as I leave.

I return because I love him.

I acknowledge because I respect him.

I leave because I respect him so much that I want him to learn how to sleep, and fall asleep, on his own.

My biggest weakness was nursing my son back to sleep. I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, because there were months (like when Frank started standing) where he would wake up twice or three times. After our pediatrician reaffirmed that at this age, they do not wake up because of hunger, I decided enough was enough. I am going to leave my baby alone.

And I think, actually I hope, that he is learning his body and how to put himself back to sleep without me. I hope that he also respects me for giving him the space to be able to figure this out on his own.

So whether you are struggling with your child’s sleep patterns, or simply needing time to get anything done during the day, my simple advice remains the same… leave them alone.

stop taking babies to the happiest place on earth

Desere

Last week I wrote about how relaxing RIE classes are.

You know what’s not relaxing? Disneyland…

I went to Disneyland the other day with a few friends, and without my son. I hadn’t been in about 6 or 7 years, so I was excited to go.

But it was horrible.

I’m not even talking about how extremely hot it was (94°) or how extremely crowded it was (park reached maximum capacity). Those things did not help my already wavering appreciation of this theme park.

But what made it horrible for me was seeing all the babies.

I saw babies dripping in sweat and every other stroller having fans attached to them. I saw children having melt downs throughout the day out of what was clearly pure exhaustion. I heard toddlers screaming at the baby center while being changed. I watched kids begging their parents to buy all sorts of toys and parents becoming angry over every request. I even saw kids passed out on the floor, all over the park. And there was crying… so much crying.

And I am sure if you have ever been to Disneyland, you have seen these things too.

Folks, please stop taking babies to Disneyland. I may not be a child specialist or have a PhD, but I have eyes and I am a mother. These babies and toddlers are NOT happy, and here is my interpretation of why this is so.

1. over-stimulation: 

The theme park has giant characters, lights all around, music and bands, noise from all directions, people everywhere, smells, rides.

Just listing it all out is making me feel overwhelmed. I can’t imagine my son, who  gets overwhelmed from too many people coming over, dealing with all of these things.

When I was there, I was going to the baby center constantly to pump. One of the times there I watched a mom holding a baby that looked to be about 8 months old. His eyes were bulging, and looking everywhere. I could see him simply attempting to take everything in. He was being moved quickly, and he was struggling to keep up.

And I felt for him.

2. loss of predictability

Babies crave predictability. This is a fact. Magda Gerber (founder of RIE) believed that predictability helps babies and toddlers feel secure.

The more predictable the daily routine is, the more stability we give our kids. This helps them eat and sleep when the time comes. This also helps them make sense of the ever changing world around them.

I really believe my job is to keep my son feeling safe. Over-stimulation is something that is not routine for him, which is unpredictable. In that type of environment he doesn’t learn or feel comfortable. And I feel like I’m failing my job. Not to mention I hate ‘bucketing’ him for more than a few hours.

After a full day at any theme park, I am whiped out. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I can’t imagine what a full day at Disneyland might do to my son’s equilabrium.

I believe my son is capable of handling a lot. But I know he has no way of handling everything that would be thrown at him at Disneyland, which brings me to my next point.

3. unreasonable expectations

It’s called the happiest place on earth for a reason, and I’m not writing this to deny any of those reasons. However expecting a baby or young toddler to take everything in and be as happy and excited as I am when I travel to to Disneyland is unreasonable.

Babies and toddlers aren’t coming here for their own pleasure, that is ridiculous. We take them for our pleasure. We take them for pictures with cartoon characters we adore. Worse yet, we take them as an afterthought because we are really taking our older children.

In her post Please Don’t Take The Children, Janet Lansbury explains her own understanding of child development and the dangers of projecting our adult point of view onto our infants and toddlers. “It sounds fun and stimulating to us, so it must be a good idea. It’s easy to make this misjudgment with pre-verbal children.”

She continues to point out that the stress, discomfort, and exhaustion may not harm babies. “But what these developmentally inappropriate activities are almost certain to do is waste a child’s time, time the child could be spending engaging in self-initiated learning adventures, creating and imagining, feeling content, secure and confident in familiar surroundings, socializing, free to move and explore, empowered by knowing the routine.”

And I think this is what bothered me the most. Seeing these young kids trapped.

Because children are explorers and need places where they are able to move around, experiment, run, and climb. Asking a toddler not to do these things is asking them not to breathe. But in a crowded theme park, our kids lose this safe place to play and explore. We fear for their safety. We yell if they run. We get frustrated when they don’t comply.

Why are we setting ourself up for failure?

But Des, this is the happiest place on earth! I know it is, and I too cannot wait to take my son here. I dream about the day I can bring him to enjoy the parade and the rides, to meet different characters. I just think there is an age limit to this ‘happiness’ and we need to be careful about what is being commercially marketed to us. And I can’t tell you what the age limit is because I think every kid is different and every kid might be able to handle this experience differently.

What I can do is pass along the test that Janet Lansbury recommends before deciding to take your child anywhere: 1) “Who is this for?” 2) “Are they really ready to actively participate in this experience, or would it be better to wait until they are a bit older?” 3) “Will this be more enriching than an afternoon dawdling in the backyard or a walk down the street?”

When you can answer these three questions authentically, then you will be making a decision in the best interest of your child.

So for me:

1) Disneyland is for me to let loose with my friends and go on rides

2) my son can’t walk yet so he is definitely too young to actively participate in anything at the park

3) watching my son spend a whole afternoon learning how to slide the screen door open, let himself outside, crawl around, come back inside, slide the screen closed, and repeat is enriching enough for the both of us

relaxing play date

Desere

My last RIE class reaffirmed why I love this parenting philosophy so much.

When I walked in there was just one boy there already with his mom. I sat down with Franky on my lap and waited until he was ready to leave me. I waited until I could feel him leaning out of my lap. But he didn’t. A few minutes went by, five, then ten minutes, and my son sat on me, completely content.

When he was finally ready to leave, he didn’t go to the toys like every other class, he kept going to the other boy sitting on his mom.
My son was craving a social interaction, a connection with someone, not something.

The other boy, however, was simply craving time on his mom.

I learned that this boy goes to day care a few days a week, because the mom works part time. This is one of the few times during the week he probably gets his moms’ 100% undivided attention. So he was soaking it up.

And the best part about RIE class is that this boy could stay on his mom for as long as he wanted. He could hug her for the entire 1.5 hours of class. Because RIE class gives the space for kids to just be.

Just like my son could sit on me for longer than he normally does.

It’s important to allow the space for babies to warm up in their own way and to decide for themselves to be independent of us as their caregiver. There are so many times where we are the ones that put our kids down and leave them. How often do we leave them to use the restroom or prepare dinner? And how often do we give them the opportunity to leave us?

Later, a third boy came with his mom.
And that was it for today’s class, just three boys.

When the third came he began playing with the toys and my son went over to play with him.

Everything was so relaxed and so mellow. It was so refreshing.

I realized that this is the only time in the week  that I can have a play date where the moms are not distracted. There is no noise and chaos from kids screaming and running around, while moms sit around and chat about this and that.

When I go to those types of play dates, I feel like us moms are there for each other, not our kids. Which is valid. Being a stay-at-home mom is tough because often you spend most of your day without speaking to another adult. No conversation can mess with you. And so having a play date with the true intention of having other adults to talk to is completely understandable.

But I don’t like it. I don’t like it because my son’s needs get ignored. I don’t like entering those play dates and putting my son down so I can catch up with my mommy friends. I don’t like watching other kids clinging on their moms, craving a connection, but being pushed to “go play with the other kids so mommy can talk”. I never feel relaxed at these events.

I like RIE class because there is a predictability each week. The predictability is in the time and space we are providing for our babies, and for ourselves.

We always sit against the wall and observe. The room is always set up with the same wooden, silicone, and plastics toys. Our kids are always the ones that get to choose when to leave us to play. And they are always given the freedom to explore, or not.

I love being able to let go of preconceived ideas of what our kids should do or how they should play.

We get to let go because we know it’s a safe space. There are two teachers and several moms observing and providing minimal intervention if necessary.

We get to slow down.

Consequently, our kids get to slow down too.

Our kids get to take in every adult’s face. They get to climb, and fall. They get to play with open ended objects. They get to explore wood and metal. They get to go outside.

They also get to sit on us whenever they want, for as long as they want.

RIE class is the most relaxing of play dates I’ve ever had.

sometimes i don’t know if RIE will work

Desere

“I want to be transparent with you.”

This was something I used to tell my students when I taught high school. I used this line to start any conversation where I wanted to be open and honest with them. Maybe it was about the administration requiring me to do something I didn’t believe in, or the testing schedule was conflicting with the learning. Regardless, I believed in having open communication with my students. After all, I expected them to have open communication with each other and myself.

I first heard this line by my mentor, who also believed in being honest with his students. At first I wondered, why show such vulnerability? Wouldn’t students see this as a weakness? We are the teachers. They are students. Those are clear roles that have clear boundaries. We don’t need to justify anything to them. But my mentor made me realize this was not a form of weakness, it was a strength. It was a way to build the relationship, to build rapport.

So, readers, I want to be transparent with you.

In my last post, I wrote about an incident that happened with my mom and my son. After replaying this incident in my head, re-reading my post about it, and speaking with my mom several times about it, I found myself questioning this parenting philosophy I have chosen.

Honestly, this was not the first time I heard the little voice in my head wondering, is this the right way?

How do I know RIE will work? 

How do I know I am not creating emotional scars for my child? 

What if positive parenting is just a ‘trend’ right now?

What if in a few years several articles written by PhD so-and-so, and studies done by Ivy League what’s-it-called come out showing RIE is a bust? 

I know I am not the only mom that wonders if what I am doing on the daily is hurting or helping my child.

I am an over-thinker. And I am sensitive. Which means, I take most things to heart and I tend to over-think everything to the point of exhaustion. So when there is just a little bit of doubt about what I am doing, it gets amplified in my head.

But I didn’t choose RIE because it sounded nice at the time. I chose to follow this philosophy because it spoke to me, to who I am.

I chose RIE because it is a way of parenting, and a way of life, centered on the idea of respect. 

And that idea means the world to me.

But it is hard because it is different. I know I am going against the grain when I avoid screen time with my son, when I speak to him like an adult, when I ask if I can pick him up before doing so. I am aware of all these things. It is very different than what most people are used to. It is very different than how my parents raised me.

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Robert Frost was talking about when he said to take the road less traveled. And I hope it does make all the difference.

But the hardest part is not only that it is different, because it is. No, the hardest part is not offending anyone else’s parenting style knowing how different mine is to theirs. Because parenting is not black and white. Parenting is not even gray, it is a swirl of colors and ideas. Since every person is different, every style of parenting is different. And there is no right or wrong because what works for some might not work for others. As the worlds biggest ‘learn on the job’ type of job, it really depends on who you are and what you believe to be true.

My parents did not raise me using RIE. There were a lot of things they did that would be considered anti-RIE. But here’s the thing, I don’t ever for a second think about their parenting in a bad way.

When I was pregnant and reading left and right about babies and discipline, all I kept coming back to in my head was how incredible my parents handled everything. I put them up on a pedestal and decided I would use them as my guide because my parents instilled in us the characteristics I hope to see in my son one day.

And look, maybe they had no idea what they were doing at the time. But overall (and obviously I am super biased) I think they did a fantastic job.

Therefore, for me to choose this style of parenting that is so different, is not easy. As willing as my amazing mom is to learn with me and try everything I ask of her, I can see how hard it is for her to do things against what she is used to. Consequently, I am having a lot of difficulty sustaining my own passion for this philosophy.

I am questioning myself, because what if ‘respect’ is not enough. When my son is crying, my heart breaks. Of course I want him to stop because he is sad, which makes me sad. And I love him so much that I don’t ever want him to feel sad. But Magda Gerber, founder of RIE, once said “Many awful things have been done in the name of love, but nothing awful can be done in the name of respect.”

What is she referring to?

Well, let’s take the case of a child crying:

  • Showing them love is assuming that when children cry, they are sad. In order to stop feeling sad, they need to stop crying. So we make them stop.
  • Showing them respect is teaching our children how to sit with their uncomfortable feelings and work through them.

We cannot really limit how someone feels, regardless if that someone is an adult or child. It’s not up to us to decide how long someone else needs to cry to get the emotions out. The adult’s job who is nearby, ANY adult nearby, is to let the feelings be, for as long as they need to. RIE is about giving our children emotional freedom, because our children cannot regulate their emotions the way we as adults can. They learn to regulate emotions only through experience. So let them experience strong emotions. Let them experience processing those emotions. And let them experience what it feels like to come out the other side.

We are teaching emotional intelligence.

Ok all this sounds nice… but the fact still remains that this is just so different than what most parents do and believe. And I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know if my child will end up with more emotional intelligence than other children, or if following this style of parenting will give my son emotional scars. I don’t know if positive parenting will get my son to be more creative and hard working. I have no idea if openly communicating with him will give him a better vocabulary. Who knows if modeling respect will make him be respectful to himself and others.

Sometimes, I don’t know if RIE will work.

Maybe Robert Frost was wrong, maybe the road less traveled will not make all the difference.

But I started this blog because I wanted to share my experiences with you, the good and the bad. Maybe when I reach post # 29,583 we will laugh together about how silly and naive I was in the beginning… Maybe.

But a fellow RIE mom was giving advice to another mom who was having doubts about baby-led play and it really resonated. Here is what she wrote:

“It sounds like you are using RIE with a goal in mind. Try to let go of that. RIE kids are not more creative, or independent, or able, than any other kids. They are just more *themselves*. It is hard to let go when you just want the best for your son, but really trust him. He is doing what he needs to do. Try not to compare him to others. The only goal of RIE is really to have the tools to truly allow our kids to be who they are.“

Thank you fellow RIE mom, for reminding me of what RIE is really about and why I believe in it so much.

crying is uncomfortable

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My mom came over today.

I had just walked back from the park with my son and was dying to use the restroom. I walked in, put Frank on the floor, and told him I was sorry but really needed to use the restroom. Usually I give him a bigger warning but I didn’t think I could wait this time. So I left him on the floor with his grandma and went.

Frank cried. Sometimes he does when I leave.

When I came out of the bathroom, I sat on the floor and rubbed my son’s back. I told him I hear him and I see how sad he was that I left.

My mom turned to me and said, “I don’t think this RIE stuff works.”

This is not the first time she has said this phrase to me.

She explained that he was crying when I left. I said I heard. She said because she respects my parenting she didn’t do anything. So I asked her what is it that she would have done differently. She said she would have distracted him.

Why?

To stop his crying.

Now before I go on, I want to point out my mom has the best of intentions. She loves her grandson. And I love her dearly for trying to learn about this parenting philosophy because she sees how important it is to me. (I love you mom)

But here is the problem my mom is facing: crying makes her uncomfortable.

And I don’t blame her. Crying makes me uncomfortable too. As a matter of fact, I bet you it would be tough to find many people who didn’t feel weird when they heard crying, especially a baby crying. Our instincts tell us to help, help by making it stop.

But maybe our job is not to try and fix it. My son is sad because I left. Why do I need to stop his feeling sad?

When I am sad or upset and I sit with my husband to tell him what is bothering me, I don’t know how I would feel if he started waving something in front of my face or singing a song to me. Actually that’s a lie. I know how I would feel. I would feel angry and disrespected.

I want a shoulder to cry on. I want a listening ear. That’s what I crave when I’m sad.

Do babies deserve any less?

Well maybe they do. Maybe we should stop their crying. After all, feeling sad is… sad.

So let’s stop his feelings by distracting him. Let’s send him the message that this feeling of sadness he is experiencing is wrong, that he needs to ignore it, it needs to stop.

And it’s easy to distract a baby, simply wave something in front of their face.

The consequence of course is that I am now conditioning my baby to ignore this weird feeling. When my baby becomes let’s say seven years old, waving a toy might not be powerful enough. Maybe now when he’s feeling sad I will turn on a movie for him or give him ice cream. That is stronger than simply showing him a new object.

What happens when he becomes a teenager and starts feeling sad? What will he turn to that’s more powerful than TV in order to distract himself? I can think of a few things teenagers turn to to distract themselves from daily life, can’t you?

Am I implying that distracting my son so he stops crying will make him a drug addict? Of course not. But why aren’t we teaching our children how to handle healthy emotions? And why not start when they are young, really young? There is nothing wrong with feeling sad. As a matter of fact, children and babies are naturally inclined to release their feelings so they can move on.

As Patty Wipfler from Hand-in-Hand parenting explains:

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night.”

So crying is uncomfortable. I agree. Guess what, it is probably uncomfortable to your child as well. So let them cry and get over the big wave of emotions they are feeling. Then you both can move on.

Just to clarify however, I do not believe in the ‘cry it out’ method. When I say, let them cry, this does not mean leave them to cry alone and afraid while I wait in another room for it to stop. Respectful parenting is not about ignoring these feelings. Our job is to be present, and to support our child through it.

My presence is incredibly important during this time of big emotions. That is why when I got out of the restroom I didn’t pick my son up to rescue him from his own crying. I sat down on his level, told him that I was here, that I see he is sad, and that I understand.

I have this personal motto. I made it up when I was really young and used to use it whenever I got hurt. “Embrace and overcome.” If I fell or anything, I would tell myself embrace the pain and overcome. Then when I got older and was on the water polo team, I used it when practice was hard and my body was aching. Finally, when I was in labor with my son, I tried to remember this as well.

What’s my point with all this? Well this motto applies to crying and my son.

Allowing him to self soothe, with me being 100% present, is the best thing I can do when he is upset. Yes I am uncomfortable when I hear him crying because, crying is uncomfortable. But I need to embrace this uncomfortable feeling, and overcome it. This way I can help my son embrace his big feelings as well, and most importantly, overcome them. 

what do you do all week?

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Since becoming a new mom and an even newer stay at home mom, I’m constantly asked “what do you do all week?”

It’s a well meaning question, probably similar to asking “How are you?” or “How’s life going?”. But it doesn’t feel like that.

Honestly, it feels like an attack on me as a stay at home mom. It feels more like, “You are a stay at home mom so you better be doing stuff all week long”, “you can’t possibly be a stay at home mom and also just be staying at home every day”, or “You are busy enough to justify quitting your job, right?”.

Ok, maybe the people asking me this don’t really think all that. But I just really hate this question, “What do you do all week?”

Other than my insecurities as a stay at home mom, I believe the actual problem behind it is that new parents think they need to fill their week with activities to entertain their baby. And many do.

But I like being home most of the week. At home my son is comfortable and gets to have hours of baby-led play. At home my son is not put in and out of his carseat 100 times. At home my son eats on the floor. At home my son gets to nap in his crib.

I like staying home.

And of course, all of this is my prerogative as a mom.

But when people ask me “What do you do all week?” I find it very hard to answer honestly. I feel their pressure. I feel their judgment. I feel the stigma of the ‘stay at home mom’ and the societal pressure to constantly entertain our little ones. I just feel awkward and weird telling people that I don’t do much all week. So … I lie. I tell them that I do go to the library and play groups. I say I go to events with other moms like museums or gardens. Sometimes I just make stuff up because I don’t want people to judge me for actually just letting my son play most of the day while I watch.

I’m scared of others thinking that I am a lazy parent.

Am I?

Am I am truly lazy for wanting to be at home so that my son can just play? Babies learn about their world through play.

Am I lazy for not taking him to a class where the teacher leads all the babies to clap their hands and sing songs and move around? I want my son to have free exploration in his own way, which differs day to day. And that’s ok because babies do things in the moment, moment to moment.

So why do I need to have a week filled with activities?

As a high school teacher I encountered a lot of teenagers with overwhelming extra-curricular schedules. As teens, having well rounded lives is not a bad thing. But this over scheduling has now trickled down to kids, toddlers, and even babies.

Babies don’t need agendas. They just need a safe space to play and explore.

So instead of asking me what do I do all week, how about you ask me what my son does all week.

Because if you ask me what I do all week the answer will be the same, I don’t do much.

But if you ask me what my son does all week… he explores, he discovers, he feels, and he tastes.

He observes people outside and listens to different sounds coming through the window.

He bangs objects on other objects or slides them across the floor.

He is learning physics from rolling his ball across the room or throwing objects over the edge of the stairs.

He is learning positioning when he arranges his blocks in a certain way.

He is learning transporting when he picks up his toys and puts them in different sized containers or into his little truck.

He is learning transforming when he squishes the pieces of banana with his fingers.

These are just a few of the behavioral schemas I observe throughout the day. So no, I don’t do much all week. I simply stay home to allow my son to fully develop physically and cognitively through play. Yes, just whole spirited, uninhibited play.

self control

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In my last RIE class there was an incident that led to a big discussion about self control.

One baby, let’s call him A, kept going to a little girl and hitting her on the head. Although we have the two teachers and all the moms there, we were not always able to block the hitting. Whenever it happened, the girl would go to her mom who would hug her until she felt better.

At one point the boy walked (he is one of two in my class that can already walk) toward the girl. Our teacher who narrates said “A, no.” The boy’s mom, taking our teacher’s lead, began saying “no, no” to her son and scooting toward him. Then the boy hit the girl, hard. She was crying uncontrollably. Our other teacher, who interacts with the babies, came over. The boy’s mom and the girl’s mom came over. Three adults, 2 babies.

Both moms were trying to console the girl. Then the boy tried to hit her again. This time, his mom grabbed his arm and said “no you cannot hit her.” The girl was screaming. The three adults were hovering. The whole debacle seemed to upset the boy who just walked away to play with the toys outside.

This is when our teacher began a conversation about modeling. You see, when my teacher said “A no” her ‘no’ was indifferent. There was no shame or warning in her statement. There were already a few times that the boy hit the girl and was blocked. So this last time, when he walked over, the teacher simply stated, ‘no’. The mom’s ‘no’ was not the same. She said it a few times and it was done admonishingly. Furthermore, she resorted to grabbing his arm to stop his last attempt.

Who can blame her? This is an emotional scene. It is emotional because we as adults lose our self control and just react in the moment. Whenever we see our own child doing something to another child, or if another child does something to our baby, it is extremely hard to breath and calmly walk towards them. It is extremely hard to resist the reactionary “NO!” and the arm grab. And why wouldn’t it be extremely hard? It is a tough and emotional situation.

Yet we never get any repercussions for losing our self control.

Babies do not have a lot of self control. Self control is a skill that babies learn, slowly, over years and years. And although they do get better as they hit several developmental milestones, they are still led by their emotions. They can’t help it. When they feel something strongly it will take over and they are no longer acting out of reason or logic, but out of emotion.

The problem is the moment we grab their hand, the moment we act aggressively, our children will want to resist. They will resist when we physically hold on to their bodies. They will resist when we yell “no”.

“So what are we supposed to do?”, the boy’s mom and I both asked our teacher.

We can never model non aggression with aggression. If we do not want our children to be physically rough with another child, then we cannot be physically rough with them. There is never a time when we should grab our child’s arm or body to stop them from doing something. If we want to stop them, we block. This means simply placing our hand in between them and whatever or whoever we are trying to protect. If you find that simply blocking, as stated above, is not working, the best thing to do is to physically remove your child from the situation.

Practicing respectful parenting means not only respecting our children, but also teaching them to respect themselves and others. This happens organically of course because we treat them with trust and respect. We are models to our children.

Furthermore, our teacher noted, we need to remember that babies are building their self control and to notice the times they are demonstrating control rather than only noting the times they lose it.

Yes, toward the end of class A was constantly walking over to the girl and trying to hit her. What about during the first 30 minutes of class when he would walk over to her and admire the bow in her hair? What about all the times he walked by another baby, once even just inches away from them, without touching or hitting their head? What about when my son had a ball in his mouth and A walked over and grabbed the ball out of my son’s mouth without touching any other part of my son’s face? Most importantly, what about when he removed himself from the emotional situation to go outside? There were so many moments within the 90 minutes of class where A showed incredible self control. Which is not easy, especially for a baby who is walking among crawlers.

When I started teaching, my mentor gave me a book, Tools for Teaching by Fred Jones. This book had so much advice in it that correlates to RIE. One thing I remember reading was about controlling our own anger as a teacher. The book outlines ways to do this and the biggest rule is to breathe. When students get out of control or do something in class, first take a few breathes. This is because simply breathing forces you to calm down.Your heart rate goes down, your muscles relax. This also buys you a few seconds to think about what just happened, to act accordingly. Then walk over and do whatever disciplinary action needs to be done with the students. The high school where I taught, discipline was the #1 priority. If you could not control your class, there was no hope in teaching them anything. And I cannot tell you how many times this breathing technique saved my classroom environment.

It’s not easy though. It is not easy to have such control.

So back to parenting and back to the little boy. At the end, do we punish him for hitting the girl. No, we do not. Because he lost control. Which we all do. What we really need to start doing is what I had to do when I was training to be a teacher. We have to work on ourselves.

We need to train to have better self control. We need to slow down. We need to breathe. We need to reflect, respect, and respond (the 3 R’s), rather than react. We need to act gently.

It’s on us to change our behavior if we want to influence our children’s behavior. We need to work on ourselves so that we can be the best models for our kids.

And no…it’s not easy. But no one ever said parenting would be easy.

 

anticipation begets cooperation

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For the past two weeks or so, my son has been sick. Let me tell you, practicing respectful parenting with a sick baby is not easy!

The biggest struggle I have been having is wiping my son’s nose. He hates it! But there is not much I can do when he sneezes, I have to wipe him up. As I go near him with the tissue he immediately turns his head away. When I try to wipe he will whip his head back and forth and eventually whimper or scream for me to leave him alone.

This is when I realized, I am approaching him all wrong.

RIE has taught me a lot about slowing down. When we want our children to cooperate, it is important to remember they run at a much slower pace than we do. When we slow down, get down on their level, and speak to them with respect, this is often all they need to do what we ask.

Why on earth haven’t I been following my own advice the past two weeks!? Well, it’s because he is sick, and my husband is sick, and there is lack of sleep, and I forgot. I forgot that my goal is to trust and respect my son. always. I forgot that I should be treating him like a human, not an object. Who do you know that would want you to come up from behind and start wiping their nose for them?

So I did some research on one of the RIE Mom groups on Facebook, and found some advice for what to do. This morning, I tried it.

My son sneezed, and there was snot everywhere.

Not moving from my spot I said, “Franky, you sneezed and have a lot of snot, I am going to get a tissue.”

I got up and walked over to the tissue box. I grabbed one and sat back where I was originally sitting on the floor.

“I have a tissue now.” I waited until he saw me and came over out of interest. I let him touch the tissue.

“I need to wipe your nose with this tissue.”

More waiting.

“I am going to wipe you. 1 … 2 … 3 …” and I wiped his nose.

And you know what my son did. Nothing. He let me wipe his nose completely, he let me wipe his mouth and under his chin. He watched me throw the tissue away and then went back to playing with his toys.

Did the process maybe take longer than if I just attacked him with a tissue, maybe? But my son was not traumatized by the experience. I can’t believe I wasn’t doing this sooner!

At RIE class, my teacher often tells us “anticipation begets cooperation“. Allowing babies to anticipate our actions before we actually do anything, gives them the opportunity to cooperate. This is the difference between any care-giver and an educarer. (remember RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educarers). My teacher’s mentor, Magda Gerber, explains that “the care-giver may scoop up an infant unexpectedly from behind, thereby startling, interrupting and creating resistance in the infant, the educarer always tells the infant before she does anything with him or her and thus gains cooperation.”

So that’s it. The secret to getting babies to cooperate is often as simple as telling them what you plan on doing.

I explained in one of my posts how I change my son’s diaper. It is never an easy task, and what has helped me was getting my son as involved as possible, having him help me by lifting his legs and wiping. There are still, to this day, many times that this task is incredibly challenging. Before I am able to apply what I described in that post, he is struggling to even lay down. So I recently starting using my teachers advice with this as well.

When I suspect he needs a change, I let him know that I will be changing his diaper in a few minutes. After this time passes, I tell him I will pick him up to go change his diaper. As I carry him to his room I am telling him that we are going to his room to change his diaper. (as you probably noticed, I try to say the phrase ‘change your diaper’ as often as I can) Before setting him down I tell him, “I am about to put you on your changing table”. As I am lowering him, “I am putting you on the changing table now”. etc.

It may seem annoying to an outsider, but what I am trying to do is really convey the message to my son that which I am about to do to him. This gets him ready and he has become way more cooperative once I lay him all the way down.

Communication, that’s the key.

As I am meeting more moms and as my son is growing, I am realizing this approach to parenting really comes down to the #1 rule, respect. I want my son to know that I hear him, that I am with him, that we are a team. I am not doing things to him because he is not an object, he is a person. Of course, I need to change his diaper and feed him, but I want him to be part of the process. Therefore to remain respectful, I really can’t do anything without communication.

Does telling my son what I am going to do always work, no way! But when it does it makes me feel good knowing that I am truly respecting my child.

don’t lead the read

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