Category: Mommy Struggles

you’re so smart & good job

Desere

You’re so smart!

How many teachers and parents say this phrase throughout their lifetime?

But there is a fundamental flaw in telling kids they are so smart.

My mentor was a big advocate of eliminating status in his classroom. Learning from him, I too attempted to create a classroom that was respectful of all ideas, one that pushed kids with different abilities to contribute their ideas.

Here is the problem with continuously telling a kid “you are so smart”. When they face something incredibly challenging and find themselves stuck, what are they going to think?

‘I am always told how smart I am, if I can’t do this it must mean I’m dumb.’

This is because they have a fixed mindset.

If, for example, a kid was told their whole life they are such a hard worker, what happens then when that kid is facing a challenging task?

‘Hmm, I must not be working hard enough.’

This is known as a growth mindset.

Tag jo boawler blogs and books

Tag article from facebook

…Yet

 

 

Good Job

When I wrote about finding RIE and the first time I let my son struggle, I described the situation when Franky kept trying to get to a ring that got stuck under his changing table. When he finally managed to get it free, I didn’t say “good job!” And here’s why

7 Alternatives to Telling Your Child “Good Job!”

In class story about G getting leg stuck

 

kid stuck one leg on ramp one in sandbox, unstuck, mom said good job

just say what you observe

imply stuck is bad?

and job,… this isnt job its play

Do you always need to cmoment?

No.

Only if kid looks at you

So while kid is playing.. You dont need to narrate every second every play by play

But when they look at you.. Thats when you can narrate. Thats where the organic language development comes in

 

“Watch baby thoroughly entertaining herself just by moving and learning her body. If she engages you or makes eye contact, be sure to verbally reflect what you see, i.e., “I saw that. You rolled to your back!” This is playing “with” a baby and connecting with her on her terms. 🙂

 

my journey in choosing homeschooling

Desere

For years I have immersed myself in the world of homeschooling. I read the works of Dr. Peter Gray and Alfie Kohn. I joined all the local homeschooling groups. I befriended many homeschooling families and met home educated children. As a former educator in the public school system and a mom, I have pretty strong feelings about how I believe children learn.

I was pretty convinced that I would follow this path and homeschool my own children when the time came.

But that didn’t happen.

Last January when the emails started pouring in about school registrations and when my friends began touring the schools around our homes, I joined in and began researching the schools in our area.

I was tired. At the time my boys were 5, 3.5, and 1 years old.

I really didn’t think that I could stay home and offer what I would ideally like to offer, if I were to homeschool my boys. I started to believe that my oldest, who would be entering kindergarten, would be better off once I send him away.

He would get to be with other children all day, every day.

He would have access to so many materials and resources.

He would go on field trips.

Furthermore, the schools around us are pretty great schools. I feel privileged to be not only in an area with so many high achieving schools, but also with the opportunity that I can school choice and attempt to get the school I like the most.

And the tours… well they did their job. I was sold.

So I enrolled him.

He happened to get in, by lottery, to the magnet STEM school in our district. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was, how great the school was.

So for 6 months I kept telling myself that.

Meanwhile there was a pit in my stomach growing. I was feeling anxious as the days crept on. I knew in my heart that I didn’t believe this was the best decision for us. But I kept on because I was afraid.

The fear of homeschooling.

The fear of being tired with 3 little ones all the time.

The fear of failure.

The fear of judgement if I chose to homeschool.

The fear of my family’s reactions.

Fear of the unknown. School is known. I went to public school. My husband went to public school. I taught at a public school. I KNOW what that looks like. Alternative learning… that is completely new to us.

Fear.

And if you have read some of my other posts you will know that fear based parenting stems from how we view children, and the inability to innately trust these unique little individuals.

Fast forward to this fall and school starting. Franky was entering his 3rd week of kindergarten and each day brought more and more doubts. I understood this was a new transition for him. He went from 6 years of having almost complete freedom of choice for where we went, how he played, how he moved his body, when he ate, etc. to a pretty rigid schedule. We had to go to school every day from 8:00am to 1:30pm. The bell rang and he had to wait in line. He was told to be quiet several times throughout his day. He was told to sit a certain way, and write a certain way. Even play with blocks a specific way.

To my son who was given a lot of freedom, this was incredibly jarring.

And I understood that this transition would be hard. I also trusted that he had the tools to master this transition. He wouldn’t always be tearful at drop off. He wouldn’t always look relieved to be coming home. He wouldn’t always have a full lunch box when coming home because he chose to play instead of eating. These things would pass the more we went and the more we got used to this new state of our lives.

My mentor teacher was telling me that he could master this situation and he could adapt. She told me even though his body is reluctant to enjoy this new situation, that he does have the resilience to persevere. He is testing the waters and seeing “who am I in this new place”. He will rise to the occasion.

He will own this new experience.

But that was just it.

I realized that I don’t WANT him to get used to this.

I don’t want my son to master this situation. I don’t want him to adapt. I don’t believe this is the best environment to cultivate learning.

So I pulled him out.

And now I sit and write this out to the world because I want others to see the tornado of emotions that can accompany a situation like this. I want others to know its ok to make a decision and then change your mind.

There are no big mistakes.

I know now that maybe I needed to send him to school, and to sit in as a parent volunteer in his class, and to sift through emails about homework and chromebooks… maybe I needed to have all this happen to lead me down this path of final awareness and clarity of what I want for our family.

I have stumbled and fumbled toward this path and I am excited to see where it leads. I am hoping to use this platform, one that I previously used to spread my understanding of the RIE approach to respectful parenting, to now spread my understanding of experiential learning.

What will my days look like with self directed education?

What am I hoping for in terms of my family?

Stay tuned…

who are playgrounds for?

Desere

playground

[pley-ground]

noun

an area used for outdoor play or recreation, especially by children

Playgrounds are for our children right?

Have you been to one recently? Go. And tell me if your observations match mine.

I see parents micro managing their children’s ‘enjoyment’ of the playground.

“Climb up there.”

“Go down the big slide.”

“Why don’t you play over here?”

I see care takers on their phones the entire time.

I see moms walking their toddlers up the structures.

I hear parents asking their kids if they can go home because they (the parent) is hungry.

The swings are a love hate relationship.

There are directions for which slide to go down, and how.

Does reading any of this sound bizarre to you?

Playgrounds, of all places, should be a place for your child to have complete ownership. They should do as much, or as little, as they want. They should be able to play in the sand the entire time without glancing at the play structure. And they should be able to go down the same slide over and over, even ‘backwards’.

Why then do parents feel the need to control this experience?

Here is what I think:

1) fear

I know it is scary. But when you let your child explore the play structure in their own way, they are way more careful than you think. And if they aren’t, you don’t have to stand a mile away! You can stand there to make sure they don’t fall from any unsafe height.

I usually let my son climb the structure on his own but I stay nearby on the ground. I stand by any big openings. Occasionally my son comes to check out the openings and I tell him it is a very big drop. If he tries to come through, I stop him. But he has never tried.

2) mistrust of child’s capabilities

I find it astonishing when I see toddlers who are fully walking, being led up the play structure hand in hand by their parent. Even when your child can crawl, let them crawl up the structure alone. Giving them this space and trust is what will help them in turn learn to trust their own bodies. This is called body knowledge, and it needs to be learned.

Furthermore, your child needs to fall. That’s how they learn what it means to fall. I fully agree with Magda Gerber that “learning to fall, getting up again and moving on is the best preparation for life.”

The problem is that a lack of body knowledge is a consequence of never letting your child learn about their bodies. If for their entire life, you have been there aiding your child to sit up, stand, walk, go down steps, etc, then you have officially become an enabler to your child. They feel like they can do these things because they have always had your hand and help. Unfortunately this means they never fully learned their own body’s capacity of doing these things on their own. They haven’t fully mastered balancing. They haven’t felt the gravity push them down each step. And because of this, they probably won’t be very safe on top of play structures. In that case, I can see why a care-taker may want to hold a child’s hand and be next to them every step of the way.

But that sucks. It sucks for the child. It sucks for you! Don’t you want a break?

3) inability to let go

I was at the park the other day and my son was playing with a bunch of toys in the sand. Another little boy walked over to play and his dad immediately stopped him and said “we didn’t come here to play in the sand” while leading him up to the structure. But doesn’t that just sound so absurd? His son wanted to play in the sand. Is it really so hard to let go?

I hear parents complain all the time about being tired, about running out of things to do with their child, about not knowing how else to entertain their 2 year old. None of these things need be an issue if we just learned to let go a bit. I go to the park every morning. Why? Not only does my son LOVE being outdoors, but this is also the best break ever! I get to sit under a tree or walk barefoot in the grass while my son does whatever he wants to. Sometimes he is climbing, sometimes he is sitting in the sand and not moving, sometimes he walks around, and sometimes he is next to me for a long time. No matter what, I am at peace.

I think that is the hardest thing for some parents, because being at peace means letting go. Let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how’ children should play. Let go of the idea that if you don’t lead them they won’t get the most out of the experience. Let go of the stress.

Your child IS getting the most out of the experience, regardless of what they are doing. Trust them. Trust yourself. You are enough.

 

gift giving

Desere2 Comments

We are officially in the season of gifts, and as we enter the third night of Hannukah, I want to write today about how I feel about gift giving to little kids.

I am a firm believer that gifts should be given uniquely, not equally. This idea stems from my own feelings, as well as from reading Siblings Without Rivalry, a fantastic book by Adele Faber:

In other words, just because my younger son got a wheel barrow for Hannukah, doesn’t mean my older son needs to get it too.

Why am I even writing about this?

I am sure as parents of young kids, we all know what the constant struggle is like when our kids fight over toys. With a 4 and 2 year old, my main focus of parenting has become almost exclusively conflict resolution, with some emotional intelligence sprinkled in.

The boys are always arguing about some toy they both want at the same time. And therefore most of my day is spent validating each little person’s feelings about how badly he wants this thing, or how he does NOT want his brother to touch that thing, etc. All while trying to keep everyone’s body safe, because sometimes these conflicts become physical.

Sigh . . . what if my kids just had two of everything ?!?

Well many parents, with good intentions, try just that. To avoid some conflicts during gift giving times (holidays/birthdays), some simply give their children the same thing so each has their own.

Now just to clarify, I am not anti my kids receiving two of something similar if they both need it. About a year ago we got both of our kids a bike. A balance bike for my youngest and a regular bike for my oldest. We felt it was time for them to have bikes and that they would love it. Sometimes, this truly is the case.

What I want to focus on today, however, is giving the same/similar gifts in order to specifically avoid future conflict. If the only reason you are buying your kids the same gift is so they won’t end up fighting over it, I believe this is your own trigger that needs to be dealt with. Watching kids fight is uncomfortable. Watching kids cry is uncomfortable. Watching your child upset is uncomfortable. I get that. I am naturally a more empathic person and it is extremely hard to watch my child in these moments without letting it become personal.

But that’s the whole point of parenting this way. I have to acknowledge that I am feeling uncomfortable, this is about me. If we really want to be intentional with our choices, we need to make them about our kids.

Is it really healthy to teach my kids to avoid conflicts through something superficial like gifts?

Is it healthy to be modeling my lack of trust in them to figure these things out amongst themselves?

Is it right to be distracting my child from his/her feelings?

Am I setting my kids up for success as adults by doing any of this?

Yesterday, my older son received a digital camera, which he has been pining over for about 6 months. My youngest received a child sized wheel barrow. As the camera wasn’t charged yet, the wheel barrow instantly become the star of the show. Both kids were screaming. My oldest kept yelling at my youngest that it wasn’t his, it was for EVERYONE. My youngest just wanted to play with the parts as it was being put together while my oldest was yelling at his dad to finish building the whole thing. It was a meltdown disaster.

All the while, I am wondering maybe we should have just given them both wheel barrows for Hannukah, what a mistake.

But as we know with respectful parenting, meltdowns are caused by all kinds of factors, and often are not about whatever your child is crying about. So what’s going on here with my oldest son?? (other than of course the wheel barrow being really cool)

Well, it is 6:30pm, close to bedtime. He has been pumped full of chocolate coins and jelly donuts, music and a puppet show, not to mention just the pure excitement of being with his grandparents and aunt and uncle. Hey a party of more than 4 people is as exciting as it gets these days, right??

So of course his self regulation, which is minimal at best for any 4 year old with an undeveloped frontal cortex, is off the rocker.

My only priority in the moment was to help my son navigate his big feelings. That’s it.

“You really want this wheel barrow to be built all the way.”

“You want it done, NOW!”

“I hear you.”

It’s hard. Not only the validating of emotions without fixing the problem part, but also having to deal with both kids without FORCING one to share. (more about my feelings on sharing here).

And the whole time, I am wondering if any of this is even worth it? Am I really doing anyone a favor by not just getting two of the same thing? The headache alone is exhausting.

My father asked me about it while he watched everything unfold. He asked why I feel so strongly about this. And although I answered with many of the aforementioned reasons, in the back of my mind I still felt so tired of dealing with this.

But then this morning it happened.

Both kids woke up and instantly grabbed their new toys. Franky, with his charged camera, began taking pictures of everything. Nathan, who had the wheel barrow parked next to his crib all night, instantly began delivering stuffed animals from room to room. And I could hear Franky say to his little brother, in the cutest, softest voice, how happy he was that Nathan got a gift just for him, how it was a little gift for little Natani. And all morning, although there were some hiccups here and there, they traded playing with both the wheel barrow and the camera. They were both so happy just to have these new items. And they were happy FOR each other.

Will this euphoria fueled by a full night of sleep last? Probably not. I don’t think I am seeing the end of their bickering over who gets to play with what and when and how.

However I know that I need to keep believing in this style of parenting. I need to keep trusting my kids to navigate these big feelings (with me as their guide). I need to keep trusting my kids to figure out how to “share” without my yelling at them to do so, or even getting involved at all.

And lastly, I am fostering their relationship because they are seeing each other as unique, individuals worthy of something special. Franky realized the next morning that the wheel barrow was something special for his little brother and he was happy FOR him. He was happy WITH him.

It is really tough watching a sibling get a gift that you find fascinating and fun as well. It is really tough watching a sibling get attention. But just as on their birthday I won’t be getting gifts for each of my children so no one feels left out, I will continue not getting two of the same gifts in order to avoid conflicts. Because only then will I be able to see these moments of love and respect between my children.

I believe this mentality will ultimately benefit them, and me. Time will tell and I will keep you updated…

I get the worst of my kid’s behavior, it doesn’t mean I’ve failed

Desere

My return to writing was brought about by the feeling that I was hitting an ultimate low in my parenting. I was resentful and angry most of the day. I found it hard to truly enjoy my son’s presence. I felt like I was running through my day, every day. I was yelling at my son. I was constantly overwhelmed. I was exhausted. I thought I was doing everything wrong.

But then overnight, things suddenly… shifted. And I instantaneously felt better. I woke up feeling happy. I had an incredible day where I simply enjoyed the chaotic and beautiful person my son is.

And in my last post it was hard for me to describe exactly why things changed for me. However the next day I realized something that helps describe my altered state of mind. I began to explain in my first ever video you can watch on my facebook page here.

My aha was pretty simple: as my son’s primary caregiver I will always get his worst behavior.

This is something that I have always known, intellectually. I read about this in my parenting groups. I heard about it from fellow moms out there. But somehow I forgot it these past few weeks. I kept taking my son’s behavior so personal. I kept thinking because he was acting so horribly with me and at home, that meant he is a horrible kid and I am a horrible mother.

But him giving and showing me his worst has absolutely no bearing on who he is or my parenting. His less than ideal behavior does not mean I’ve failed. It does not mean the style of parenting I follow (RIE) doesn’t work. It does not mean that I need to carry his feelings on my shoulders all day.

And that revelation was a huge aha moment for me.

Our kids give us their worst because we are their safe space to do so. They use us as their release. When they are at school or with other adults, they have to follow all kinds of rules. Social rules. Academic rules. Cultural rules. Every place and every situation puts stress on them. They have very little control in most aspects of their life.

So they come home and unload on us.

The way they do so can be in the form of a meltdown, anger, or defiance. They can yell at us or just say no to everything we try to do. They may even seek out the opportunity to release by intentionally pushing our buttons or testing our limits.

Sometimes when we are home, I can feel Franky pushing me, like he is waiting for me to say no and hold my ground on something just so he can push back, meltdown, and get his release for the day. He wants to cry. He needs it. And I am the person that lets him do it.

Until I wasn’t…

The problem is that even knowing this has never made it easy during those moments. When you are with your child every day and everything just seems to be a struggle, getting out the door or eating a meal, cooperating with a sibling or brushing teeth, all these moments began to add up and weigh you down. It becomes incredibly difficult NOT to take it all personal. And that is exactly what I began doing.

I became a non safe space for him because I would be angry with him. I would yell at him. I would get frustrated with him. And so when he was showing me that he needed help, I would shut him down.

My kind, creative, wonderful little boy is going through so many changes every single day. His world is like on extreme hyperdrive. He has little to no impulse control (which becomes zero if he is tired or hungry or lonely). He has very little control over certain aspects of his day like schedule or going to school or bedtime. His body keeps changing. His life keeps changing. His little brother keeps changing. And his emotions keep changing. It is scary.

So when he would get angry or defiant, or have physical aggression toward his brother or me, he was really saying ‘please help I feel out of control.’ And no one who feels out of control wants to be met with more anger and frustration.

So this was the big shift for me. I began to see him for who he was. I saw that he was struggling and needed my help. This made it easier to remain calm when I needed him to do something, because it wasn’t getting to me. If he didn’t wash his hands after the potty and I asked him to do it once. I would pick him up and do it. I didn’t automatically get mad or go into a huge lecture explaining why we need to do so. He knows. I’ve already told him.

So I began accepting that I’m his safe space to simply release his emotions. I do not need to accept those emotions as my own. I do not need to fix them. I do not need to change them. I can carry on with what I need to do and his feelings simply are just that, his.

I am happy he feels safe to share them in my presence.

I want him to feel safe with me.

And ultimately, if that’s the price I pay for having an emotionally intelligent and resilient human being in the world, then so be it.

hitting rock bottom with RIE…

Desere2 Comments

hello readers, if you’re still with me…

It has been almost an entire year since my last post. I am so sorry for that.

I was using this blog to help me marinate on certain ideas. It was a way to hold myself accountable in this respectful parenting style. It was an outlet. It was a proclamation of my parenting beliefs.

Yet I was really considering letting my site expire and never writing again… because parenting lately has been really hard. I mean kicking my butt hard. I have a 3.5 year old and a 1.5 year old. Most of the time I feel like I am just surviving the day. No, the hour. By 9:00am most days I’m broken. I’m tired and stressed. I feel like most of the day I’m running, like I can’t breath or catch up to even enjoy the presence of my two little dudes.

I try to keep my interactions respectful whenever I even have the mind to remember what I’m doing. But often, they are not. My tired brain has pulled me into not so great habits. I yell. I cry. I often grab my older son in ways that I am not proud of. I often give in to my younger son just so he stops crying. I am so sick of the yelling and fighting and crying and hitting.

How can I sit here and type up parenting advice when I’m struggling so hard? How can I write about the amazing features of respectful parenting when I myself have lost track of what that even means? Somedays I feel like this thing I followed so hard for 3 years is exactly why things are so hard. Sometimes I feel like RIE is awful, I feel like it has created awful interactions and awful behaviors with my boys.

I don’t feel respectful. More so, I don’t feel respected.

I mean that’s the ultimate slap in the face for someone who follows respectful parenting, right?!

My older son, Frank, is almost 4 years old and he is feeling some SERIOUS feels right now. He yells and hits. He loves me and hates me within seconds of each other. He asks for something and then yells for another. He hurts his little brother. He refuses to sleep when tired. He pretty much only eats bread and cheese. He is so dang strong-willed.

And it sucks. It just sucks. Most days I do not enjoy his presence.

Now I know that we have also put a lot on his already ever changing little developing mind in the past few months. We moved. We switched him from a crib to a big bed. We joined a new school. We started having him wear underwear. His brother is bigger, mobile, and verbal.

And that is a lot for a little guy. Someone who is already growing and changing every day, whose mind is doing leaps and flips every time he wakes up. Now he has a new house, new room, new bed, new friends, new park, new bathroom routine, new everything. It’s a lot. I get that.

But still… he is awful to be around.

I try my best. But most of the time I feel like I am tip-toeing around him so I don’t burst his precious, emotional bubble. It doesn’t matter though, because I always feel like a failure. I cook and he doesnt eat. I try new things and they never work. I try to talk him to him and he gives me nothing. I just feel like a failure.

That is a feeling I do not enjoy. My personality does not handle it well.

And then came the ultimate nap refusal. This broke me.

Franky was always an incredible sleeper. He slept a lot as a baby. He transitioned to three naps perfectly. Then two naps right on the dot. One nap at exactly 16 months. Slept every single day from 7pm-7am with a 2 hour (sometimes 3 hour) nap during the day.

I mean this kid SPOILED me.

This past year, things have shifted for him. The moment we converted his crib – nap time changed. Of course it did, he could now get in and out of his crib alone!

This was quite the transition, but we talked it through and found a system that worked. We would read a story as usual, I would leave and shut the door, he would play for a bit, and when he was ready he would turn out the light and go to bed.

For the most part, this worked.

Some days he would come out a lot, and I would have to sit by the door and keep taking him back saying “it is rest time”. Some days he would play and play and fall asleep on the floor with the lights on. Some days he wouldn’t sleep and we would just move up bed time one hour.

Most of the time he really would turn off the light and go to bed. It was incredible to watch, when it worked.

But the move and new bed and underwear was all too much for this routine.

Counter-will was oh so strong. No matter how many times I tried to create a safe and inviting environment for him to nap, he kept refusing. He would not nap regardless of how tired he was.

He just likes to play and play in his room (which only has stuffed animals, books, and the few toy cars he brings with him). He enjoys looking out of and banging on the window. He enjoys messing with the clothes in his closet. He dances and sings. Oh and he comes out of his room one million times.

I tried putting a lock on his door but he freaks out with a passion every time I try.

I tried using a visual timer where he has to stay in his room until the timer is done and then he can come out. It worked the first day. Then it didn’t.

I tried talking to him about how he didn’t have to sleep but that every day we would do ‘rest time’ because it was important and healthy to take a break. You know, giving him the power so he didn’t feel the counter-will surge to do opposite whatever I said. I tried talking to him about how important it is to listen to what your body is telling you (sleepy, hungry, angry, sad, etc).

I tried everything.

And the stakes were high. I was tired and wanted this time to rest or eat or cook or veg on the couch with a tv show. Little brother naps next door and I didn’t want him to wake up.

Ultimately, the biggest reason was he still needed a nap. Every single day of no nap meant the entire afternoon was just a whirlwind of melt downs. This meant early bedtime to compensate, which often resulted in earlier wake up time, leading to a more tired afternoon temperament, and so the vicious cycle continued.

Day after day I tried.

I was so broken yesterday by it all. I just lost it. I was tired and angry. I couldn’t get anything done and Franky was losing it, hitting his brother and me and just being unpleasant.

I hated him and hated the routine and hated RIE. I hated everything.

I told (yelled at) him that I was done trying. That I didn’t have the energy for it anymore. That we were done with nap time and he would be tired every day and I didn’t care.

At night I went to my RIE mom tribe online to search. I don’t know what I was searching for because I felt like quitting RIE and quitting respectful parenting.

I guess I felt like my kid was being a little sh** and no one else seemed to be dealing with that. I felt like I saw other mom saying something to their kid and they would listen. But mine never listened to me. He just yelled and didn’t nap and hurt his brother and didn’t care what I said ever. I felt like I couldn’t even problem solve with him because whenever I tried to have real conversations with him he wouldn’t talk to me.

I felt like RIE failed me. That giving my boy 3 years of respect and trust and accepting his emotions and letting him take ownership of his outfits and his feeding just all backfired. Now I have an almost 4 year old who does whatever he wants and feels entitled to feel however he feels without a care about who he hurts. A kid who doesn’t eat well and doesn’t listen to his body.

I mean this is how I felt yesterday. I was just done trying so hard every day. Why do I need to work so hard at this very difficult style of parenting when it just sucks every single day. I want to do the easier style of parenting. I want to just make my kid listen to me through whatever means, with threats and rewards and punishments. I want to just let him watch TV so I can have a break during the day. I want to just show him how to do things instead of waiting for him to figure them out. I want to just lift him up and help him on the monkey bars instead of hearing him scream that he wants to try it but I am not helping him. I don’t want to sit and hear him cry and feel his emotions for long periods of time. It is all exhausting. It is exhausting trying to do all these things with the hopes the he will become emotionally intelligent and resilient and hard working and curious and resourceful.

So I’m reading and reading and reading …

And I am not sure if it was something specific I read, some actual tid bit of wisdom, or just reading for hours in general, but it hit me.

The problem is me.

This is a me-problem. I lost sight of it all. I lost sight of what this parenting style is truly about.

My son is his own person. He is not my problem to fix. He is not a problem.

He is a little person who is dealing with a lot of things, including the INCREDIBLE and developmentally appropriate urge to fight against anything I tell him as his primary caregiver. He is growing and changing. He often doesn’t want to nap because he doesn’t need to nap, even if that means being tired later.

Kids don’t usually think of things in terms of ‘hmm if I don’t nap now boy will I be tired later.’ Kids are in the moment. That’s one of the most beautiful and also most tedious aspects of being around little people all the time.

So yes at this moment of the day, when left to himself in his new big room with his new big bed and his new life, he does. not. want. to. nap.

I was the one who wanted to keep things the way they were and then getting angry when he was trying to show me that it wasn’t working.

I felt like I was the one dealing with the consequence of him not napping because he was in a horrible mood.

GAH I write it all now with such clarity. But I am not sure I am even explaining my breakthrough well enough.

I was taking all the emotions, all the feelings onto my own shoulders.

But I finally feel like I am seeing my son for who he is, which is something I lost sight of amidst the hustle of each never-ending day this past few months. I was purely surviving. I was surviving and growing contempt for what I perceived as failure. I was growing contempt because I longed for the days when he was this young little explorer and I just enjoyed every waking second with him but now I hated being around him.

A switch turned on.

A weight lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe it was when I read something about natural consequences. The thing about consequences is, it is something Franky is feeling. He is feeling the ultimate wrath of his tiredness when he doesn’t nap. I need to trust that as the consequence in and of itself.

When he starts hitting or yelling or melting down, it is all a cry for help. He has completely lost control. And that is a super scary feeling for someone so small. And then all I was doing was getting mad and yelling at him all day for it. I am supposed to be the safe space for his feelings and I wasn’t.

Instead I was soaking in all his feelings and taking it as my fault.

I think what I lost sight of was that RIE does not mean doing x y z and saying a b c meant my son would nap perfectly. RIE is not a set of guidelines. Many families use ‘quiet time’ when their kids transition out of nap and it works for them. This just wasn’t working for us.

RIE is about seeing who my son is, for who he is. It is a set of tools for speaking and interacting with him so that he feels safe to be 100% himself. Yes right now his authentic self is an annoying little threenager who yells and changes his mind a lot and is often tired by 4pm. That is him. Right now. He might change later. I cannot change him. He is not mine to control. He is not a problem to fix.

I am definitely not explaining this right…

The point is, I had a HUGE aha moment the past 24 hours. And for a year I was drowning and hoping this blog would just drown with me. But this aha moment just made me feel so good. I don’t resent my child anymore because of how he is feeling/acting.

I don’t actually know where I was going with all this. Clearly my 2 kid mom brain is not what it was when I first started this website. But man am I going to keep trying so bear with me. I love you all for putting up with me.

Give me your thoughts and lets keep going on this crazy journey together. yea?

the meltdown meter

Desere

Meltdowns are a release.

Meltdowns are almost never about what you think they are about.

Last night my son had a huge meltdown before bath time. He did. not. want to get in the tub.

We do bath every night as part of his bedtime routine. Nothing was different tonight. Yet he cried and cried. He didn’t want to take off his clothes.

Most parents would chalk this up to a two year old being his terrible self, and having a meltdown. Having a meltdown over bath time.

But a RIE parent sees something else. 

My son was releasing. My sons ‘emotional meter’ was full. 

And so as my husband and I sat there, accepting our sons emotions, I began to reflect back on my day. And this is what I realized:

  • Frank wanted to play in our room but it was time to get dressed
  • He wanted to play with the buttons in the car but it was time to get in his car seat
  • He wanted to stay longer at a friends house but it was time to go home
  • He wanted to close the garage but I already did myself because of the rain
  • He wanted to play downstairs but it was time to go up and rest 
  • He wanted to play outside more but it was time for dinner
  • He wanted to blow out the Hanukkah candles but I kept stopping him

In these and so many other moments throughout the day, he didn’t get his way, and I could see his meter filling up. Slowly, surely, his emotional meter was rising.

Each time I had to demand my will over his, he would suck his thumb, and do what I needed him to do. Each time he needed me but I had to tend to his baby brother, the meter would rise.

It’s like I could stare in his eyes and see it rising. All day long.

Until… bath time. That’s when he wanted to play with our humidifier but it was time for bath. And instead of sucking his thumb and “accepting”, he had a melt down.

You see, parenting with respect means understanding our children in their entirety. My son is someone who is so small yet craving so much power over his life. So I can acknowledge how frustrating it must be to constantly forgo his own wants all day long. To constantly have to lose in the power struggles that inevitably arise between kid and parent. 

Two year olds aren’t terrible, they are beautiful. They have the perfect mechanism to release pent up frustration. The “meltdown”. 

And when we can see that that is all a meltdown is, then we can “roll out the red carpet” for their emotions, as Janet Lansbury likes to say.

thankful for relationships

Desere

I follow RIE.

This is a respectful parenting philosophy that focuses on building a relationship with your child based on trust and respect. It’s about modeling instead of teaching. This means to raise someone who is respectful and authentic, I must model those characteristics myself. This philosophy is about treating kids like you would any adult you love and respect. And my husband and I love this philosophy because it really resonated with us, and we can see the effects of parenting this way is having on our 2 year old son.

But in practicing RIE we are not normal. This style of parenting is a minority.

I won’t force my kid to say please or thank you or sorry. If I make him say it, it’s not authentic. Instead these phrases get modeled when I say them naturally myself.

I won’t force my kid to hug you or kiss you. I am teaching my son to respect physical boundaries. To raise someone who respects another person’s “no’s” means as a child I must respect his own “no’s”. His body his choice.

I won’t distract my kid when he is crying. Feeling sad is ok, just like feeling happy and angry and scared is ok. Crying is the process of being unhurt. Tears release toxins from the body and oxytocin. When tears are not welcomed or stopped, this releases the stress hormone cortisol, and often leads to aggression because the suppressed emotion has to come out somewhere. (Aletha Soleter of Aware Parenting)

http://www.michellemorganart.com/

I won’t force my kid to eat. I provide the meal, with a few options that include veggies and meat and carbs. I set the rules about eating at the table and staying seated. The rest is up to my son. He eats what he he wants, as much as he wants from the options I laid out. I will not force feed him or use tricks like airplane-ing food into his mouth. His body his choice.

I won’t hold my kid’s hands when he climbs up the playground. If you want your child to learn spatial awareness, don’t help them do things they can’t do on their own. No one wants to get hurt. No child wants to fling themselves down the side of a play structure. But if they were always given a false sense of security when they learned to walk and climb, then they won’t realize the physical dangers of doing certain things.

I won’t show my kid how to play with something. I give my son open ended objects to play with, and let his creativity take it from there. This builds problem solving and independent play.

I wont try to fix how my kid plays with something. Even if it looks “wrong” to me, I won’t intervene. Is there even such thing as playing the wrong way?

I won’t intervene if my kid takes your kid’s toy. I won’t intervene if your kid takes my kid’s toy. Sharing is so overrated in this age of helicopter parenting. I’m sick of people saying they need to teach their kids how to share. Sharing is intrinsic. It will emerge when the child cares to share. At a young age, toy taking is simply exactly how kids play together. It’s the transference of toys. And when left on their own, kids rarely have a problem with this. When they do have a problem, they often can resolve it with little to no adult intervention.

I won’t ask my kid questions I already know the answer to. It’s demeaning to ask someone “Where are your eyes?” Or “Where is the blue triangle?” My son isn’t in school, and he didn’t learn English and Hebrew by me asking him to point to stuff or use flash cards to drill words into him. He learns words through life. He learns because we talk to him in our normal authentic voice.

But alas, these things make me odd in the parenting world. And that’s ok. I’ve made peace with being a minority because I love the person my son is becoming, and I love the type of serenity this parenting style has given me.

What makes RIE hard is that once you start it, you can’t unsee it.

This means once you see young children as fully capable people, worthy of respect, it’s very very hard to see how the rest of the world interacts with them.

But I can’t shelter my son. That’s simply unrealistic and doesn’t prepare him to forge his own life with his own relationships.

RIE is based on trust.

I need to trust in myself and the job I’m doing as a mother. I am raising my son with respect. A few disrespectful interactions with other people won’t “ruin” my son. Janet Lansbury likes to say parenting is about the steady diet not the occasional snack. What I do on the day to day basis is what will shape his character.

I need to trust my son. I need to trust that not only does he know the difference between the way different people treat him, but that he also is fully capable of self advocating. That a consequence of the way I treat him is that he WILL stand up for himself when he feels the need to.

That’s the key… it’s when HE feels the need to.

So many times I’m watching someone interact with my son, and I’m thinking why is my son just taking it? Why is he allowing this person to talk to him like that or force a hug on him when I know he doesn’t always want a hug? Why is he allowing this person to show him how to play a certain way when he normally likes to lead his own play time?

I want to step in so badly. But I don’t because my son doesn’t need rescuing. He isn’t in danger, he is with people he loves and who love him. If I did step in, I’m now making it about me, not my son.

I need to let him build his own relationships with people around him, in his own way. I need to trust him to do so.

I am thankful for RIE. This philosophy taught me to sit back and enjoy the person my child is becoming, to really see the beautiful relationships he has made and how much certain people mean to him. I am thankful he has such strong relationships with people around him. I am thankful for how much he enjoys people who behave differently than I do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

technology and RIE

Desere3 Comments

Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).

expectation to be happy/excited/etc

Desere1 Comment

So I recently (as in 5 days ago) gave birth to another baby boy. Frank is now 2 years 3 months old and has welcomed his new brother in the most loving way possible. Of course his unease about this new transition has manifested into limit testing behavior throughout the day … but that’s for another post.

Today I want to talk about the expectation to be happy. Before I personalize this idea using Franky and his new brother, I’m going to bring an example of this that I just witnessed at the park on Tuesday.

We ran into a mother I know and her daughter who is 5 years old. The mother informed me that her daughter has just started transitional kindergarten. So I looked at the girl and said, “How do you feel about school?” The girl was sitting by us playing in the sand. She dug her feet in the sand and looked down when I asked this.

So the mom immediately chimes and said “it’s good right S?”

The daughter looks up, doesn’t really smile, and continues to look down and ‘play’ with her feet in the sand. I wanted to say something. But the mom kept going…

“You really like school.”
“It’s so fun.”
“School is good.”

The daughter didn’t seem to agree. Clearly her body language was hinting otherwise.

I tried to look at the girl and say something along the lines of “School is something new huh?” Hoping this might start a conversation, maybe give the girl the opportunity to open up about how she really feels. But I didn’t get a chance.

My point with this story is that, the adult (in this case the mom) is so preoccupied with the hope that her daughter enjoys school that she misses the fact that her daughter clearly has some differing feelings.

The reality is, maybe school isn’t so fun all the time. I mean, we can all relate to that?

But when we instill this type of expectation, then the consequence is when the child doesn’t feel the same way they end up feeling guilty. Constantly hearing “school is so great, you love it, etc” but feeling like it isn’t so great can be very emotionally confusing for anyone, especially a child.

Doing this all the time to a child teaches them not to trust their own feelings. I mean if everyone keeps telling me I’m supposed to like school and I don’t then maybe my feelings are wrong.

But feelings are never wrong. That’s why with this type of parenting philosophy we let our kids cry, we don’t distract, we acknowledge feelings.

So why am I bringing this up 5 days after giving birth to my second child?

All I’ve heard the last month and ESPECIALLY the past 5 days are people looking at Franky, with huge smiles, and saying things like..

“You’re going to be a big brother!!”
“Are you excited to have a brother!”
“Oh my god you have a baby brother now!”
“How exciting!”

And you know what, I don’t think Franky is feeling excitement. I think he’s feeling confused. I think he is wondering where his place is now in this new family unit we have at home. I think he sees me constantly with the baby and wonders if I still love him. I think he notices at night that the baby is in our room, and then feels sad that he can’t also spend the night in our room.

Yes, these are all just feelings. And yes it’s only been a few days so how do I already think all these things from just a few days… Well I’ve spent the past two years carefully observing my son, and building up his emotional intelligence. And I think I can give pretty good guesses now to how he feels based on his body language, demeanor, and behavior throughout the day.

Does he show absolute adoration for his brother, of course! Did he ask right away to hold him and then give the biggest smile as he held the baby in his arms, yes! Does Franky tell us to check whenever he hears his brother cry, he does!!

But does that mean he’s excited to be a big brother?

Can a two year old even understand what that question means?

It blows my mind that people would even ask this before the baby was here. Like this person who his whole existence has only known life with me and his father can understand the idea that soon it won’t be just him.

Anyway I’m getting a little ranty, that’s the lack of sleep and hormones I guess.

The point is, sometimes open ended questions are better. “How is being a big brother?” Instead of “Don’t you love being a big brother now?” The first opens up the door to authentic feelings. The second implies that being a big brother is great.

Obviously I don’t expect everyone to have these deep emotional conversations with my son about his state of mind. That’s my job.

I just wanted to share my view on this, in hopes that as the adults and the ultimate models to our children, we will think before we impose expectations to be happy in every situation. That we don’t take it personally when our children don’t enjoy school, or the present we bought them, or the activity we planned, or the hug we want to give, or whatever.

It’s not personal.

This is how they feel and our job is to hold space for that feeling.

Anyway stay with me these next few months as I attempt to find time to share with you what life has become as a mother of two, using the respectful approach to parenting.

meltdowns are my fault too…

Desere1 Comment

Although I wrote about my steps to get through the wave of emotions that emanate from my 2 year old son, I find it important to ask myself, why am I here?

Why have I found myself in meltdown city, again?

Sometimes toddlers just need to release a lot of pent up emotions. I get that. They live in a world where they feel things strongly and can rarely verbalize exactly what they want. Even when they can say what they want or need, they aren’t always met with a “yes!” Their lives are often controlled by us, their care takers, and that is hard sometimes.

But other times, there are things that lead up to meltdown city.

This morning we took an extra long time to make our way downstairs. There was playing and exploring in my bedroom. I needed to take a shower which caused delays. My son is into moving his stool from room to room to play with the light switches. He kept saying he was hungry and wanted pancakes, but then would get distracted by something new. By the time we did everything we actually needed to get done (brush teeth, change diaper, new clothes), it was already later than normal and we were both hungry. Very hungry.

So we get downstairs, and now my son is on the verge. I can feel it in the air.

I rush him into his learning tower where he can stand at counter height and ‘help’ me cook. I hurry to bring out all the ingredients and start pouring things into the measuring cup so he can pour it into the big bowl. I am rushing. He feels it.

He is mixing and it is getting messy. I’m trying not to care.

He said he was done (mixing) and lifted the whisk out of the bowl to hand to me. The batter was dripping all over the counter and floor. I snapped, a little.

We were both on the verge…

I started the stove and got the batter ready to pour. My son started demanding the big spatula, but when given that one he demanded a different one. He then started crying for gold fish. I normally never give him snacks before breakfast but I caved. I felt  bad that we were taking so long to get breakfast going so I opened the cabinet of his snacks to hand him a small bowl of gold fish. Big mistake.

He sees all his snacks and starts changing his mind as fast as I can hand him things.

He throws his bowl on the floor. Gold fish everywhere.

Now I’m angry, trying to clean up the gold fish while simultaneously pouring batter on the pan and make those gosh darn pancakes already.

We were in meltdown city.

It was awful. It was a disaster.

And the worst part was that I led us there.

Reflecting back on this whole experience, I am shocked that I didn’t think from the beginning to just hand him a bagel and have that be our breakfast for today. My son loves plain bagels, and it takes less than a minute to prepare. I could have had him at his table, eating breakfast with a cup of milk in no time.

Maybe he would have insisted for pancakes since he did ask for them earlier, but I doubt it. Even so, I could have dealt with it in the moment. A simple “you really wanted pancakes but I prepared bagel for you this morning.”

Instead, I fumbled in the kitchen and went through the motions of cooking with him. Cooking is already an activity that is iffy because I am trying to ‘direct’ him a lot while allowing him the space to explore and learn in the kitchen. It’s not my favorite but my son really enjoys helping me prepare food.

That was my mistake. I led us through all the small setbacks that ultimately drove us to a meltdown. And I write “us” because I was hungry and angry and sad and exhausted too.

I am writing to make a promise to myself to be more aware in the moment. So much easier said than done. But I know that it is like a muscle that takes practice. I need to start being more conscious of the environment I am creating and avoid situations that could lead us to a meltdown. If I take too much time upstairs and he has already expressed his hunger => bagel breakfast. Simple.

Not really that simple. Actually parenting is never simple. And there are SO many moments throughout the day where we have to make split second decisions that can shape both of our emotional outcomes. That’s so hard. But maybe the act of physically writing about it will help me remember? It is so hard to be calm and rational in those moments though.

So the point of this blog post is to humbly spread awareness that sometimes we parents cause the meltdown. This is especially true when we are dealing with a hungry or tired child.

I don’t have an answer to stop this. I don’t have a “just do this and this and you can avoid meltdowns!” solution. But maybe we don’t need to stop it. Maybe it isn’t about avoiding meltdowns but more about being aware of why they happen and how to get through them in an emotionally healthy way?

 

meltdown city

Desere

Last week I talked about fear based parenting. Parents are struggling to allow feelings to exist and therefore react out of fear instead of holding the space for these feelings to be.

Let’s talk about when these feelings are super intense, and what you should do. Let’s talk about the ‘meltdown’.

I wanted to write about this specifically because my son has been having a lot of meltdowns lately, and I know how draining and exhausting it can be for a parent. So here is my advice to get you through those meltdowns, while following a respect-based parenting approach.

  1. acknowledge
  2. wait
  3. acknowledge and set the limit
  4. wait, wait, wait

Acknowledge

Acknowledging your child’s point of view NEEDS to be the first thing out of your mouth, always.

If your child starts with something like “I want that toy,” avoid the tempting desire to rebuttal. Don’t respond with “no” or “you can’t have that” or “I can’t get that for you” or whatever. I guarantee this will escalate the situation. From my recent developments with my son, the situation will escalate no matter what so don’t add fuel to the fire.

This is not the time to reason with your child. Toddlers cannot reason when they are feeling something strongly. They are not calm and they are not themselves. They don’t have the capability to stop their strong emotions yet. To assume they can sets everyone up for failure.

Make eye contact. Stop what you are doing and get down on their level. Then repeat what they say, word for word.

“I want that toy.” > “You want that toy.“

“I want a cookie” > “You want a cookie.“

“I want to go there.” > “You want to go there.“

Don’t imitate them. Whether they whine or yell, just repeat them but in your own natural, calm voice.

Wait

You acknowledged what they wanted, word for word. Now wait. Sometimes this is enough for your child to move on. Sometimes they just want to be heard. Don’t we all?

But sometimes this is not enough. And often, their response is either the same thing, “I want that toy!” or the more emphatic “I REALLY want that toy!”

Acknowledge and Set The Limit

Again, repeat what they say and now add your reasoning. Now is the time to set the limit, to put up a boundary.

“I REALLY want that toy!”

“You REALLY want that toy! I hear you. You cannot have that toy because it is not ours and we are leaving.“

“I REALLY want a cookie!”

“You REALLY want a cookie! I hear that. You cannot have a cookie because it is time to eat dinner and here are the meal options I have for you.“

Whatever your limit is, keep it simple and honest. Talk slow but don’t go on and on about why you are saying no.

Of course there should be a valid reason for your limit. Don’t push back just because. As parents we often find ourselves feeling like we need to say no so our child won’t become spoiled, or needy, or whiny. But what if my son wants something and there is no real reason to say no? Then what lesson am I teaching by saying no to just say no? Or what lesson am I teaching by saying no and lying about why?

Anyway assuming you have a valid reason and have set the limit. Now just wait out the storm…

Wait, Wait, Wait

Wait is a magic word in RIE parenting. We wait for our kids to hear us. We wait for our kids to feel what they feel and come out the other side. We give indirect commands by describing a situation and waiting for our kids to move. We wait for kids to work things out themselves. We RIE parents wait, a lot.

This is the hardest part for me personally. My son is crying hysterically and I am sitting on the floor waiting. I am seeing all of his rage and it is so hard not to take that onto my shoulders as well. It is hard for my heart not to hurt to see him so lost within himself that he cannot breath because he is crying so hard. But I wait. I wait it out. And that is what you need to do too.

This could take a few minutes (lucky you!) or an hour. And if you are like me that means you are sitting in the garage on the floor for an hour waiting for your son to calm down. It sucks, but nothing good comes out of getting angry or mad or sad about it. My little human is figuring out what to do with the HUGE emotion he is feeling. The last thing he needs seeing me lose it and then try to figure out how to deal with that too.

You are the parent, you are their calm. You are the adult, you are the model. 

You don’t need to keep repeating your limit either. Remember, your child can hear you. Your child heard the limit you set when you said they cannot have whatever they want. It is only demeaning to continue repeating that limit. Hold the limit by just sitting and waiting.

Your proximity is physically letting them know you are there for them emotionally. You are using your body language to let your child know that you are not backing down or ignoring them, but that you are holding true to what you said earlier and are there for them to release how they feel about it.

I like to open my arms to see if my son wants to be held. He usually only backs up further into the nearest corner. I know my son is done with his ‘meltdown’ when he finally does comes to me and lets me hug him. But every child is different, of course. The point is, be there for your child while they feel the wave of their emotion, in whatever way they need.

The last thought I will leave you with is the idea that because we too are human, we have emotional triggers. As Rachel, a fellow respectful parenting blogger describes, “Triggers are those things that when your child does/says/feels them, you have an involuntary negative response.” She continues “The most important part of parenting with triggers is remembering that you’re NOT having a reaction because your child is behaving a certain way. You’re having a reaction because of what that behavior means to you and that is triggered from your own past experiences!”

So when you find yourself in meltdown city, try to distance yourself from your own triggers and let the storm pass.

You can read about what Rachel recommends to do about triggers here, I highly recommend it.

self advocating

Desere

One of the biggest things I tried to teach my students when teaching high school was to self advocate. If you need help, get it. If you have a question, ask it. If you have an idea, share it. I used to tell them to take ownership of their education. Being transparent, I told them, there are 30 of you and one of me, so make your voice heard.

I believe self advocacy skills are incredibly important. As a mom, I want my children to be able to articulate their needs and learn how to make decisions about their own life.

The thing is, as their primary caretaker it is my job to advocate on behalf of my children right now, and that is really hard.

This parenting philosophy that I follow, RIE, is different. And because it is different I often find myself in situations with other moms and other families where I need to advocate for what I believe is best for my son.

I was at the park and my friend put her daughter, same age as my son, in the toddler swing. Franky walked over and was watching his friend being swung. He touched the other toddler swing. The mom told me to put Franky in as well. So I explained that I don’t put Franky into places he can’t get into himself. But this mom persisted on telling me that my son is obviously asking to get in the swing. I knew what felt right in my heart, but standing up to this mom was tough.

Bending down and acknowledging my son while he whined about the swing, letting him know that I hear him, telling him he can continue playing with the swing the way he was, all while the mom was watching me… was all so tough.

Some may argue to just put him on the swing but I really don’t believe in doing that. I believe in giving my child the opportunity to learn physical awareness and he does that by testing his own limits on what he can and cannot do. Ever since he was little, I never put him into positions he cannot get into himself. This way, he is never in a position he cannot get out of himself. This is a strong aspect of RIE and I believe in it. So I held out.

But did I mention how hard it was?

Now, anyone who knows me knows I am a pretty outspoken person. Yet when it comes to parenting, I don’t always feel outspoken about my beliefs. With parenting, everyone and anyone has an opinion. And moms so often feel judged because no matter what we do or believe in, someone has something to say about it.

And I think that’s what makes my self-advocating, as a mother, really difficult.

The other day we were at a family’s house. The parents began telling us about a new video game they bought that was really fun for adults and kids. They got so excited telling us about it they decided to show us. So they turned on the TV and began playing.

I never mentioned this on my blog before but I believe in screen-free parenting. 100% screen free. Franky has obviously seen the tv when out and about, but at home we never have it on. So when that giant screen went on, my son stopped playing and became a zombie in front of it. Now maybe if he did that for a minute or so and then continued playing, I would have let it go. But my son just stood there transfixed, and I really didn’t want our time with this family to be spent with my son glued to this new and fascinating thing.

I knew I had to say something but I was so nervous. Several adults and kids were playing the video game. Everyone was having a good time. I knew that by saying something I was going to kill the vibe….

I pulled the mom aside and began to explain. I was trying to put a lot of effort into my words, because I didn’t want to come off as judging her for her choices. I just wanted my voice heard. So literally feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, I stumbled out the words that we don’t do any screens with Franky. I told her if they can turn the TV off I would be greatly appreciative.

Now, of course this mom completely understood and turned the tv off. But it was so awkward. And why?

Why was it so awkward and hard for me to advocate for my views. I mean, isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to stand up for our kids, all the time!? But how do we stand up to other moms who are also struggling to figure out what they are doing on the day to day?

I am still struggling to understand where my insecurities come from. These are the things that truly make parenthood so hard.

And above all else, the hardest part is knowing that I am the biggest model for my son. If I want him to grow up standing up for what he wants and needs, he needs to see me doing the same. So in light of the new year and people talking about their resolutions, here is mine:

I hope to continue and stand up for my son, for whatever I feel is best for him.

I hope for the strength to advocate for what I believe is right, even if no one in the room agrees. 

I have seen the outcomes of my choices. I have seen the result of screen free and respectful parenting. I believe in what I am doing…

So I guess, in a way, writing about my parenting style is my own way of self advocating.

don’t talk about me

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How often do you find yourself standing in a group of people and you begin talking negatively about someone standing in that group? 

Probably never… because that would be so incredibly rude. Right?

But if we don’t do that to other adults why is it ok to do it to our children? People won’t even talk about strangers rudely in front of them, but so often treat their own flesh and blood with such disrespect.

If you are still unsure what I’m getting at, let me describe what happened to me a while ago at the park.

I was sitting with another mom whose daughter is 3.5 years old. Our kids were playing in the sand, maybe 4 feet away from where we were sitting. We talked about this and that, until the mom began telling me about her daughter’s temper tantrums and how uncontrollable she is during these times.

So I did what you would have done. I nodded and let her talk. It felt weird that she was describing her daughter in such a negative light while her daughter was so close to us, but I figured this mom just needed to vent a little.

The problem was the mom kept going. She really got into the details of this girl’s meltdowns. So much so that she then stood up and began demonstrating what the girl’s face looks like and how she walks when she is angry. This grown woman was stomping up and down the sidewalk between where I was sitting and where our two children were playing, hands in the air. I mean writing it down right now seems so ridiculous.

But the part that breaks my heart, is when I looked at her daughter, she had stopped playing and was watching her mother.

And you know what? This happens ALL the time!

I am always at the park or a playdate, listening to mothers talking rudely about their children who are often standing right by our legs.

This behavior is not ok.

Our children are in fact always watching and always listening to us. They are learning about life from us. This is easy to forget, because they are so small. It is easy to take advantage of them because they rely on us for so much. But these are human beings and speaking about them negatively in front of them is rude.

So what to do if you find yourself in situations like the one I described above that make you very uncomfortable. What to do when you hear someone disrespecting a child like this?

1. Draw attention to the child’s presence

I was uncomfortable in the above story but did nothing. When I relayed the entire story about the mom modeling her daughter’s temper tantrums to my RIE teacher, she suggested helping the parent become aware of the child’s presence.

For example, when the mom started talking about her daughter and I saw the daughter looking over, I could have said directly to the daughter “S you hear your mommy talking about you” or “S, your mama is telling me about what happened when you were at the store.”

Sometimes, people just forget.

Sometimes when you are home all day, every day, with your children, you crave adult interaction so much that when you get to the park and have another listening ear you unload everything and anything. I get that.

So simply redirecting the focus on the child by including them somehow in the conversation, can help the parent realize that the child is right there, and they are listening.

I try to do this whenever my husband gets home and I begin talking his ear off about every detail that happened that day with our son. I see Frank is listening because he hears his name, so I turn to him and include him. “Franky, I am telling your daddy about how today you climbed the big tower … how you played well with so and so … how you got upset when the other boy took the truck … etc.”

It takes time, and getting used to, but rephrasing things like this helps me focus on my son’s presence.

2. Have a conversation with your child

My RIE teacher also asked me if my son noticed the mom ridiculing her daughter. She told me that talking about what happened when we got home would be incredibly valuable.

Something along the lines of “Today at the park you noticed that mama talking about her daughter. That was not very respectful and it made me uncomfortable. I saw you looking up and I wonder if it made you uncomfortable too.”

My son is only 1.5 years old, so that is where that type of conversation would end. Maybe when he is more verbal, he will be the one starting conversations like this with me when we get home. But at least I know that I have expressed to my son that I was uncomfortable with what happened. After all, I am modeling the person I want him to be. So that brings me to my last point…

3. Choose to model respect

Our kids watch us and copy us because we are their idea of what the world is like. We model relationship and communication. When my son is watching me, I want him to see that I treat people around me with respect. But I can only hope he understands this by also treating him with respect as well.

Choose to be the best person you can be for your children. Choose not to talk about them rudely in front of them. Choose to be brave enough to stand up to this type of disrespect in the moment.

My teacher often reminds us that “Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect.” And frankly, so should we as adults.

indirect commands

Desere

A child climbs on a chair.

The mom runs over.

“No! Get off the chair.”

The child smiles.

A power struggle ensues.

The parent has a want. In the above example, the want is for the child to get down from the chair. And it may seem obvious to simply and matter of factly state that want to your child. But a command like this “get off the chair” along with our demeanor and volume can send so many messages to our child.

Remember, toddlers are stressed because their daily life is filled with wants they cannot pursue. When we behave like this they aren’t getting the real message. And the real message is simple. You are up high and it is unsafe. I feel uncomfortable and would like for you to get down.

Then why not just say so.

This is the difference between a direct command and an indirect command.

Direct command:

Get off the chair.

Indirect command:

I see you are up on the chair. You are very high. That is unsafe and I cannot let you climb that high. Can you get down yourself or do you need help?

Both convey the ultimate goal of getting the child down. But a direct command does not always work. Direct commands may succeed out of fear, and maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you want to show your child who is really in control. But when an adult yells or gets angry at a child, the child often smiles or laughs, which only makes the adult more mad. Children think it is funny when they get a reaction out of adults. They will probably do whatever they can to get another one. So the adult continues to get angry eventually grabbing the child and swinging them down.

What did all this accomplish?

Does the child now understand why they were told to get down?

Will they stop next time before climbing and think about whether they should continue?

The answer is no. They have no idea why mom (or dad or whoever) got so upset and why they were angrily picked up and swung down. If anything, this is fuel to do it again to get an understanding of why they are getting such a reaction from the adults around them.

Children are so new. We forget to really put ourselves in their shoes sometimes. They are learning EVERYTHING about how this world works and where they fit in. Something big like this happens and they instantly have so many unanswered questions. So the next day when they are back on that chair, they aren’t trying to piss us off, they are trying to understand.

If instead we really try to treat our children with the same respect we show adults, we would never think to act this way. We would say the truth, that we are concerned and that it is unsafe. We would see if the child can get down by themselves, which if they got up then they most certainly should be able to get back down. We help by guiding them down if needed. This could be holding their hand or placing a hand on their chest so they feel your presence. It could even be as simple as being close and telling them where to put their feet next.

The next step would be to stay close and block this action from happening again. Simply blocking and saying “that is unsafe I will not let you climb up there again.”

Ideally, they have a yes space in the home where they are safe to do whatever they want. Any unsafe things like chairs or whatnot are not in this space or are gated off.

The next step is to take your child’s behavior as a message. My kid really wants to climb. He is not trying to piss me off or hurt himself, he just wants to climb. Kids are just that… kids. They have biological needs. They are tiny but have oh so much energy. So yes, they really do need to climb and run and jump, daily!

The real question is, as my child’s caretaker, how can I safely address this need?

My teacher last week told us about a book she read recently on relationships. The book was about the research done by the Gottman Institute on reflective relationships and giving advice. The research found that before anyone should give advice to another person, they need to first truly put themselves in that person’s shoes. You need to understand where they are coming from, completely, before you can offer your opinion. This type of reflective relationship can be done by listening and acknowledging how a person is feeling first. I have talked about this idea a lot.

In respectful parenting this idea of first acknowledging our child’s wants and feelings is huge. Ultimately we are not dictators to our little ones. It is easy to forget this because they are so small and rely on us for so much. But because we are building a bond based on trust and respect, we do not force them to do things or make them do things. We give our advice, and hope through trust and respect that our children respond.

But they will only respond once they feel like someone understands them, someone is on their side. When they are not victimized or penalized for being… well for being a child who is new to our world.

You want to climb. You need to climb. I cannot let you climb on this chair because it is unsafe. The floor is very hard. Let’s go find somewhere safe for you to climb.

im stressed

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I’m stressed!

Well… duh. I’m a mom. Of course I’m stressed. But that’s not what this post is about.

“I’m stressed” – thought by every toddler everywhere. And that might seem like an unusual thing to think about…

Because something we take for granted is the fact that toddlers who are incredibly powerful but incredibly small are constantly dealing with stress. They’re constantly dealing with power struggles, with things that they want to do but can’t. They want to go outside but can’t. They want to throw but are stopped. They want to scream but are shushed. They are constantly told ‘no’. And all of this puts stress on them.

So what do we do about this stress? I am not just going to let my son do whatever he wants so his life is less stressful, of course not. I have wants and needs as his mother and as a human too. However there are some things I can do to avoid adding more stress to my little guy’s life.

Predictability

The more predictable his daily routine is, the less stress I inflict. Eating meals at around the same time so our little one knows when to expect to be fed. Sleeping around the same time so our little ones don’t get over tired. These simple things often contribute to the toddler meltdowns we are all so familiar with and can often be readily avoided.

Furthermore, going somewhere new, meeting new people, joining new activities, all of this just adds to the stress. This doesn’t mean you can’t go anywhere ever. Just limit your outings to new places maybe once a week. And when you are deciding if somewhere is worth it, just remember to ask yourself who is this really for? (I talk more about this here)

Freedom

One thing that helps is making sure our kids have a yes space where they are completely free. A yes space is something referred to in RIE as a place in the home, preferably gated, that there are no “no’s”. In other words, everything is completely safe and free to be used whenever and however your child wants. This closed and safe space gives our kids the freedom to do what they need to do, whether it is to climb safely or bang objects on the floor or throw balls around. And strangely enough, having this space smaller than you would think, with less stuff, gives them the clarity and safety to continue playing for long periods of time.

And it is not enough just having this space, ensuring that your child spends most of their time in this space with open ended objects and minimal intervention from you is key.

Your child also deserves freedom in all settings, to a degree. Here I am talking about avoiding being the ‘helicopter parent’. Giving your child the space and the confidence in their abilities helps not put added stress to whatever situation they are in.

This week in class, my son and another boy were both climbing the wooden steps structure. The other boy started saying ‘no’ to my son and tried to push him off. The boy’s mom lunged forward to stop her son but the teacher stopped her. Instead of rushing over, the teacher firmly told the boy that he is pushing Frank and that is dangerous. The other boy instantly stopped and faced the teacher, listening to her words. My teacher later explained that using our voice commands enough attention and energy to help in these types of situations. Especially now that the kids are 1.5-2 years old. Using our bodies often commands too much energy, and only adds more stress to the situation. She said many times, when we lunge forward, we actually escalate the situation and can cause more damage.

Having confidence and minimal intervention really play a huge role in allowing our kids to problem solve, learn social cues, and gain trust in themselves as individuals.

Crying

Do you ever have those days where you just need a good cry? Not only do I have days like this, since becoming a mom this feeling is overwhelming sometimes. And I don’t want anything other than to just sit and cry it out.

Well sometimes… our kids need that too.

One time in my RIE class, one kid was playing with a toy bus and another kid kept taking it away from him. Every time the bus was taken, the kid would cry and cry. He was incredibly upset. And because of our history and experience with one another, because of the teacher’s familiarity with this toddler, she saw his upset as more than simply being hurt that his toy was being taken. He was using this time to cry as a real release, because of stress. And he felt SO much better after a good long cry.

Toddlers want things that other people have. Toddlers want to climb things that are dangerous. Toddlers don’t always get what they want and that’s stressful.

They really need moments to release this stress which is why it is so important to just let them cry. I know crying is uncomfortable, and it may seem like they are often crying over something that seems trivial. I know something inside just makes you want to stop them from crying as fast as possible. To show them something new or grab them and pick them up to distract them. However crying is a chance for our children to deal with big, and often new, emotions.

Sometimes when you change your mindset about something, you completely change how you react and feel about it as well. The moment we start thinking about toddlers as these little powerful beings who are just trying to figure out who they are, the more we see their crying and breakdowns as a release of the incredible stress they feel every day. We realize they are not trying to torture us as a parent, but are telling us things are too much and they don’t know how to deal with it right now. We realize our child is not bossy, they are just asserting their position because most of the time they can’t. We realize our child is not needy, they are just in a new place and maybe need some extra time with us before they are ready to go play.

Our job is not to try to ‘fix’ this but to accept that they really are new to this word and need us to be there for them. They need us to give them a safe and predictable daily routine, the freedom to be an energetic little human being, and sometimes just the space to let it all out when they need to.

So yea, your toddler is most likely stressed. But the most beautiful thing is no matter what happens, toddlers always get up and try again. They wake up the next day with a new perspective ready to tackle the world. They don’t hold grudges and they don’t take things personally. They cry and then move on. They live in the moment.

They are incredibly resourceful when it comes to listening to their bodies. They are in tune with what they need to be better again.  Maybe we need to learn a little something about stress management from them.

 

you really want to

Desere

My son is throwing things. Everything.

At just beyond 15 months old he is entering a serious limit testing stage. He knows I am not ok with him throwing, yet everyday he throws things again and again.

So the issue is, how do I handle this?

In my RIE class if anyone starts to throw, the teacher says “You are throwing this (cup, bowl, ring, etc.) but it is hard and unsafe to throw. You can throw a ball.” If the kid keeps trying, the teacher usually gets up, gets a ball and brings it to the kid and says again “I will not let you throw.” She blocks his hand from throwing the object. She holds out the ball and tells the kid “this ball is safe to throw.” Often enough, the kid takes the ball and throws it.

Ok, easy enough to start doing at home. So I did, and it kind of works. I tell my son that whatever object he is holding is unsafe to throw and that I will not let him. He usually continues to try to throw it despite my hand blocking him, and he sometimes succeeds. I’m sure if I grabbed his wrist or yanked the object away from him I would be more successful, but that is not in line with respectful parenting. There should never be a moment you stop violence with violence. And yanking a kid’s wrist, no matter how “softly” you try to do it, is violent. The most respectful but impactful thing is to place your hand in the way and block.

That is, hand is flat, hand is up, and you are blocking whatever action you are trying to stop. Kind of like blocking in basketball…

 

I’ll admit, I get really bothered by him throwing things. I try to stay calm and be consistent as I hold the limit. But I can feel myself getting angry and hot inside. I keep reminding myself that he is just learning who he is. He is testing his power, he is growing every day so much. He has all this new energy all the time and is trying to figure out what to do with it. He isn’t purposefully and maliciously throwing objects around.

He isn’t trying to make me angry. He just really wants to throw. And I think that is the piece I am missing when redirecting him at home. His want.

Coincidently (or not) we talked more about this in this week’s class. You see, it is not enough to tell my son that I won’t let him throw the object because it is unsafe. I need to acknowledge his need.

“You really want to throw right now.”

“You really need to throw right now.”

“I can’t let you throw because it is unsafe, because it is heavy.”

“I won’t let you hurt anyone.”

My teacher calls this, the meeting of the minds. First, I acknowledge that you really want to throw that. Then I let you know that I really don’t want you to throw that. He has a want that I am acknowledging, and I have a want that I hope he acknowledges as well. Meeting halfway.

As adults we know that every relationship is a two-way street. The same goes with our toddlers. This is not a totalitarian regime. I am not his all-mighty dictator. I am building a respectful and strong relationship. I am using trust and communication to teach my son how to navigate this new world of his. I am speaking with authentic words because I believe in the power of words. I am modeling non-aggression with non-aggression.

Is it easy? No way.

I often have to sit close to him so that I can keep blocking him from throwing unsafe objects.

And he is still throwing stuff. Every. Single. Day.

But that’s ok. He is a kid. He is a unique person who is learning who he is and what his place is. My job is to hold limits with confidence because that’s what he needs, a confident care-taker who is keeping him safe.

Respectful parenting isn’t permissive parenting. My son is not getting away with things because I want to be a ‘respectful nice mom’. The difference between this type of parenting style is that I am first accepting his behavior for what it is. I am not trying to shame him or punish him. I am not trying to teach him something beyond his cognitive abilities. He is throwing objects. That’s the fact. There are some things that are ok to throw and some things that aren’t.

My job is to continue to acknowledge his wants and needs, while redirecting him so he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else.

And yes… the struggle is real.

power of our words

Desere

Last week my son kept waking up in the middle of the night. He is getting some molars so this is expected. Nevertheless several months ago I told myself I would stop breastfeeding him in the middle of the night because it became too much of a habit for him. He expected it whenever he woke up. He was dependent on it to fall back asleep. Now any time he wakes up I go to his room and try to get him back to sleep. I offer him his water which is always in his crib at night. I try to calm him down without picking him up. All this usually works… eventually.

Anyway the other night, my son is up and crying. I go to him and whisper “I am here, I love you, I hear you.” Then I wait. I pat his back and wait for about 10 minutes until he lays down again. I wait until he is sucking his thumb and his eyes seem heavy. Then I whisper “Laila tov” (good night) and leave.

I close the door and walk a few steps down the hall…

He is up crying again.

Sometimes I see if this is just a few seconds worth of crying, whereas I won’t go back in. But this continued on for a few minutes so again, I went in.

“I love you. I hear you.” Pat the back. Lay down. Calm. “Laila Tov.” Leave.

Crying…

Ok it’s happening again. Maybe he needs a diaper change.

So for the third time that night I walked back in. “I hear you Franky, I am going to check your diaper.” Nothing there. That’s when I realized, in my exhausted state, that maybe I’m not saying the right words. But I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed.

That’s it! Just be authentic.

“Franky I love you. I am going back to my bed to sleep and you are going to sleep here in your bed. Laila Tov.” I didn’t wait until he laid down and was about to fall asleep. No. I spoke the truth, I said what I wanted to do and what I had hoped for him to do. I turned around and left. I went back to bed.

And so did he.

Could it have been coincidence or was it really magic? Did he need to hear where I was going to be when I left the room or was it just third-time-is-a-charm syndrome? Was he simply exhausted from crying for the third time? I have no idea! I am kind of hoping it was because of my words…

Well the next night, sure enough, in middle of the night he woke up crying. Here is the opportunity to see if my words mean anything. 

So this time, the first time going in, I whispered “Franky I hear you. I’m going back to my room to sleep and you are going to sleep here. Laila tov.”

And that was it. He went back down until the morning. (so did I!!! yay)

This happened a few more times this week. Every time I said the same honest sentence, with confidence. Every time he listened to me and went back down for the rest of the night.

Could it have been coincidence each time? Who knows? No one can truly know exactly what was going on in my son’s head. I choose to believe in the power of words.

And it isn’t just that I was speaking words, it’s that I was speaking them honestly. During the day my husband is sometimes in awe of how I ask my son to do things and he listens to me. That’s because when I talk to him I do so with the confidence that he is listening.. and then he does.

Yet people still think babies or young children can’t hear our words. People think that when my son lifts his legs up for me to change his diaper, or throws his napkin away after eating, or stands aside when someone is opening the gate, that it is all just luck. I got lucky with a ‘good’ baby. You know parents that practice respectful parenting hear that a lot… hmm…

But maybe, just maybe, treating your child with respect means communicating with them authentically and trusting them to listen. We all know communication is key to any healthy relationship. So it only makes sense if you want this type of relationship with your child, and better yet if you want your child to develop healthy and respectful relationships with others, all you have to do is talk to them.

Tell them what you are going to do before doing it. Talk them through changing their diaper so they can participate. Ask them to decide which foot to put through the pajamas first. Tell them why you are stopping them from doing something. Ask them to participate in their own life. Just talk to them. 

People, no matter how young their age, are still people. When you do things to them without saying something, without asking for participation, you are simply objectifying them. And this is what I see all the time. Parents objectifying their kids because they don’t believe their kids are worth being spoken to with respect. “Oh she is just a baby, she’s fine.”

The thing about respectful parenting is remembering that the thing we teach our children the most, is ourself. So be your most authentic self. Speak honestly. Treat with respect. Trust. This is what you are teaching your child to do. This is who you are teaching your child to be.

bedtime part 2

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Last week I wrote a whole post about babies having a bedtime. Basically I vented about when I go out late at night, I see too many babies and families, the babies are crying, and from my interpretations, the crying is tiredness.

But before I dive into the deeper issues of not adhering to a baby’s bedtime, I want to first clear up any issues I may have caused by writing my little rant the other week.

Now motherhood is hard. And I am not saying that in the cliche way that we hear all the time. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the whole world and unfortunately you only really understand this once you become a mother yourself. Therefore the last thing I ever want to do to you, my readers, is place judgment on you as a mother.  Motherhood is hard enough without judgment and critiquing.

That being said, my blog is about respect. Specifically respecting babies. My goal is to write about a parenting style that is centered on the idea that babies are capable, understand us, and are worthy of trust and respect.

That being said, there are exceptions. Because we are human. And we are not perfect. And we aren’t supposed to be perfect. So…

You have no one to watch the baby and need to run out for last minute errands. I am not judging you.

You go out all day, maybe with friends. You enjoy yourself and miss baby’s bedtime. I am not judging you.

You work everyday, get home late, want to spend time with your kids but also need to get groceries or buy some clothes. I am not judging you.

Now, if this is something you do on the daily then yea I am passing a little judgment. The instances I described in my last post didn’t seem like a once in a while venture out to Target. The parents were ignoring or trying to shush their crying baby so they could dilly dally on their phones and peruse the store. And I simply don’t believe that is in the best interest of their child.

I say this because I see babies as more than they are.

And that’s the whole point of this site. I want to open your eyes, too. I want you to see your baby for more than they are. I want you to sit back and watch your baby “play“. I want you to wait and let your baby struggle before ‘saving’ them. I want you to talk to your baby while doing things to them like picking them up or changing their diaper. Because when you do this, when you really start to create habits like these, babies become more than babies. You will start to see them as whole beings. And once you see them this way, you start to feel for them more. You start to question whether the mentality of “oh he is just a baby it’s fine” is the best way of thinking about things. You start to wonder “would I want anyone treating me like that?” And once you see your baby and all babies like this, you can’t turn it off.

My goal is not to place judgement on you as a mother. When I wrote my last post, even when I wrote about not taking babies to Disneyland, I am describing what I see from the baby’s perspective. And I am doing this to help you see it as well.

I am a teacher at heart after all. Even though I am not RIE certified or credentialed in early childhood development, I believe I can still teach you. I can teach you how I empowered high school students in a subject most adults shudder when mentioned. And I can teach you what I have learned studying this parenting philosophy so far.

If you don’t agree with it, we are all good too. There is no black and white with parenthood, and you have to do what feels right to you.

As for me… I believe in RIE. If you do too, then let’s officially get back on track and dive into the bigger issue underlying my rant from last week.

Why is it so important that we adhere to a bedtime schedule? 

Babies and kids crave routine. The more consistent the environment, the more they will flourish. Routines give babies confidence and security. This security lays the foundation for babies to learn and apply their learning. Because of this constant learning and adapting, the moment you mess with the predictable, you throw off a baby’s world.

Furthermore, there are countless researchers that have shown a correlation between bedtime and cognitive development. Irregular bedtimes are linked with lower scores in reading, math, and spatial awareness. Irregular bedtimes are linked to behavioral problems. Irregular bedtimes are even linked to self-image issues.

But most importantly, irregular bedtimes means you are not putting your child’s needs first. It means you are taking the repetition and routine away from your baby. It means you are going to have a screaming baby. It means you are probably going to get angry or frustrated yourself. It means you are setting yourself up for failure.

Remember how hard being a parent is? So let’s avoid these types of situations if we can. Just respect and trust.

Respect your child’s needs.

This includes being fed and in bed on a consistent schedule.

Trust your child’s ability. 

The more consistent you are, the more they will follow through. Babies and young children are capable of holding up their end of the bargain. They will eat and they will sleep because it becomes a predictable part of their world.

Lastly, because I am passionate about this parenting philosophy I am going to call out any behavior I believe undermines babies and young children. I am not out to criticize you or your choices. I am here to spread knowledge. I have gained a lot of insight when teaching high school students a specific way. And the specific way I taught has now forged the type of mother I have become.

So trust me when I say, I am not here to critique your parenting choices.

But do respect the experience I bring to the table.

babies have a bed time

Desere

Let’s be real, the only time I can run errands alone is late at night after Franky is asleep. Every now and then I say “Laila tov” (good night in Hebrew) to my son, eat dinner, and head out. That means I usually get to my destination of Target or some other store at around 8pm.

As I peruse the aisles, I can always hear the same noise. It doesn’t matter what day I go. It doesn’t matter if I am there at 7pm, 8pm, or 9pm.

Babies are crying. 

Oh, Desere. So niave. Babies cry, it’s normal. I wrote a whole post about normalizing and being comfortable with crying and sad feelings.

True. Crying is ok.

But as caretaker our job is not only to be there for our child when they cry, it is to figure out why they are sad and if it is something controllable, avoid it. For example, hunger and tiredness are completely avoidable. We are not perfect, obviously, but we can do our best to get our kids fed and in bed. (#fedandinbed)

Therefore, this crying I keep hearing late at night is 100% avoidable. Do you want to know how? Ready…

BABIES HAVE A BED TIME!

It’s a simple tenet of parenthood.

Whether you adhere to putting them in bed at a certain time or not, babies have an internal clock. At a certain time, different for everyone, they will be ready to sleep. If they are not in bed at that time, they will cry. This is biology.

I get it, we all want to be this mom:

Hitting the town.

Stars twinkling.

Baby in stroller, probably asleep and cute as ever.

Looking good.

Feeling good.

Bonus points: heals and slim dress

But this just doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen because babies have a bed time. And as hard as it is, we can’t always be selfish and go out late at night just because we want to. Especially not for the first two years. We gave that right up when we had our baby.

It is your prerogative to go out of course. To each their own.

But don’t give me those “Oh sorry I don’t know why she is crying” looks because it is so simple, your baby is tired.

I try to ignore it! I try to ignore it because unfortunately going out to run errands at night is sometimes the only alone time I get. It feels good to be out. It feels good to be alone. So I try to be happy and do my shopping. I pretend like I am a single gal shopping at 9pm like it’s a normal thing to do on a Tuesday night.

But I can’t ignore it. The mommy lens is permanent. I can’t take it off.

And that mommy lens is magnified with respectful parenting clip ons.

This means I see it all. I see the mom stuffing more and more snacks in her 18 month old’s hands so she will stop crying at 9:30 at night. I see the dad flipping the 8 month old boy in the air to get him to stop crying. I see the babies in their strollers, fighting the straps that are constraining their bodies from getting into a comfortable sleeping position. I see the bulging eyes because of the noise and the fluorescent lighting.

I also see the parents. I see the parents on their phones as their baby is crying. I see parents buying bikinis as their baby is crying. I see parents embarrassed that their baby is crying.

Don’t be embarrassed. Go home. This is not a parenting aha moment. Your baby is tired.

…

rant over

 

the first two years

Desere

I’ve been struggling with independent play since beginning to learn and implement RIE about 6 months ago.

I felt like whenever I needed to leave my son, after letting him know of course, it would be a toss up whether he would continue playing or stand and cry awaiting my return.

How can I enforce better independent play? After all, RIE speaks of growing a babies ability to play on their own into their toddler years and beyond. Independent play builds character. It builds creativity.

So why wasn’t it working every time?

If I sit in his play yard or in the same room, he will play without even glancing at me for what feels like forever. But I have to be there sitting with him.

Am I doing something wrong?

Then my RIE teacher said that for the first two years, the care giver really shouldn’t be doing anything that takes away their attention while the child plays.

Wait a second. Didn’t I write a whole post about how it is important for my child to respect my needs? Didn’t I speak to the importance of leaving them alone?

Well of course, we are human. If we need to use the restroom or even take a breather in another room, we are entitled to do so. But what my RIE teacher is referring to, is remembering that our job for the first two years is to set up a foundation. I wrote about this before. The first two years are about trying out these principles, and laying the groundwork for our children to be independent, to learn strength through struggle, to have manners while eating, and to listen to our words.

To build trust takes time. To fully build a foundation for the RIE characteristics to appear later on in our child … takes time.

This means that as the caregiver we need to entirely dedicate ourself to our child, as much as reasonably possible. When our child is awake, that is NOT the time to fold the laundry. It is NOT the time to clean the dishes. It is NOT the time to work on the computer.

Not for the first two years.

This applies to feeding as well, a topic I talk about a lot. And I talk about feeding a lot because anyone with a child knows, feeding becomes a big part of your life.

The other day I was speaking with a fellow RIE mom about how we feed our children on the floor, at their own little table, giving them all of our attention. And we both agreed that sometimes this feels weird. It feels weird because meals are often social events. In my culture, in most cultures actually, eating is a time to bond.

Therefore sometimes it feels weird that my son eats by himself on the floor. It feels weird to eat dinner with my husband while my son plays. Why not just put my son in his high chair so he can sit with my husband and I, and we can eat together as a family?

Because Desere, that’s not what I need to do for the first two years!

I am teaching my son how to eat right now. For the first two years, he needs me to focus on him. He needs me to pay attention. He needs me to make sure he is safe. He needs me to watch him pick up his glass cup full of water without dumping it on himself. He needs me to watch him use his little fork and spoon.

This is part of the sacrifice I need to make.

But only for the first two years!

When he is older, when he has learned how to eat and have manners while doing so, then OF COURSE we can sit together. We can do this because we have now laid the foundation of what it means to eat a meal.

RIE is often mistaken to only apply to the first two years of a child’s life. But this isn’t true. What RIE does is it gives parents the tools to build the character of their baby for his/her entire life. Many of these ‘tools’ take the first two years to build.

And I relate to this idea a lot because of how I used to teach. I used to think of myself as the type of teacher that was giving my students the tools to problem solve for their entire life. I didn’t care if my kids knew formulas or equations by heart, or if they could solve problems that looked like the problems I had exemplified on the white board.

What mattered to me was that when my students were facing problems in their life, when they were struggling, when they had to work with a group, that they had to tools to overcome these obstacles.

Similarly this respectful parenting philosophy gives us the tools (trust, respect, slowing down, etc) to help our kids develop. And many of these RIE tools require investment during the first two years. 

stop taking babies to the happiest place on earth

Desere

Last week I wrote about how relaxing RIE classes are.

You know what’s not relaxing? Disneyland…

I went to Disneyland the other day with a few friends, and without my son. I hadn’t been in about 6 or 7 years, so I was excited to go.

But it was horrible.

I’m not even talking about how extremely hot it was (94°) or how extremely crowded it was (park reached maximum capacity). Those things did not help my already wavering appreciation of this theme park.

But what made it horrible for me was seeing all the babies.

I saw babies dripping in sweat and every other stroller having fans attached to them. I saw children having melt downs throughout the day out of what was clearly pure exhaustion. I heard toddlers screaming at the baby center while being changed. I watched kids begging their parents to buy all sorts of toys and parents becoming angry over every request. I even saw kids passed out on the floor, all over the park. And there was crying… so much crying.

And I am sure if you have ever been to Disneyland, you have seen these things too.

Folks, please stop taking babies to Disneyland. I may not be a child specialist or have a PhD, but I have eyes and I am a mother. These babies and toddlers are NOT happy, and here is my interpretation of why this is so.

1. over-stimulation: 

The theme park has giant characters, lights all around, music and bands, noise from all directions, people everywhere, smells, rides.

Just listing it all out is making me feel overwhelmed. I can’t imagine my son, who  gets overwhelmed from too many people coming over, dealing with all of these things.

When I was there, I was going to the baby center constantly to pump. One of the times there I watched a mom holding a baby that looked to be about 8 months old. His eyes were bulging, and looking everywhere. I could see him simply attempting to take everything in. He was being moved quickly, and he was struggling to keep up.

And I felt for him.

2. loss of predictability

Babies crave predictability. This is a fact. Magda Gerber (founder of RIE) believed that predictability helps babies and toddlers feel secure.

The more predictable the daily routine is, the more stability we give our kids. This helps them eat and sleep when the time comes. This also helps them make sense of the ever changing world around them.

I really believe my job is to keep my son feeling safe. Over-stimulation is something that is not routine for him, which is unpredictable. In that type of environment he doesn’t learn or feel comfortable. And I feel like I’m failing my job. Not to mention I hate ‘bucketing’ him for more than a few hours.

After a full day at any theme park, I am whiped out. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I can’t imagine what a full day at Disneyland might do to my son’s equilabrium.

I believe my son is capable of handling a lot. But I know he has no way of handling everything that would be thrown at him at Disneyland, which brings me to my next point.

3. unreasonable expectations

It’s called the happiest place on earth for a reason, and I’m not writing this to deny any of those reasons. However expecting a baby or young toddler to take everything in and be as happy and excited as I am when I travel to to Disneyland is unreasonable.

Babies and toddlers aren’t coming here for their own pleasure, that is ridiculous. We take them for our pleasure. We take them for pictures with cartoon characters we adore. Worse yet, we take them as an afterthought because we are really taking our older children.

In her post Please Don’t Take The Children, Janet Lansbury explains her own understanding of child development and the dangers of projecting our adult point of view onto our infants and toddlers. “It sounds fun and stimulating to us, so it must be a good idea. It’s easy to make this misjudgment with pre-verbal children.”

She continues to point out that the stress, discomfort, and exhaustion may not harm babies. “But what these developmentally inappropriate activities are almost certain to do is waste a child’s time, time the child could be spending engaging in self-initiated learning adventures, creating and imagining, feeling content, secure and confident in familiar surroundings, socializing, free to move and explore, empowered by knowing the routine.”

And I think this is what bothered me the most. Seeing these young kids trapped.

Because children are explorers and need places where they are able to move around, experiment, run, and climb. Asking a toddler not to do these things is asking them not to breathe. But in a crowded theme park, our kids lose this safe place to play and explore. We fear for their safety. We yell if they run. We get frustrated when they don’t comply.

Why are we setting ourself up for failure?

But Des, this is the happiest place on earth! I know it is, and I too cannot wait to take my son here. I dream about the day I can bring him to enjoy the parade and the rides, to meet different characters. I just think there is an age limit to this ‘happiness’ and we need to be careful about what is being commercially marketed to us. And I can’t tell you what the age limit is because I think every kid is different and every kid might be able to handle this experience differently.

What I can do is pass along the test that Janet Lansbury recommends before deciding to take your child anywhere: 1) “Who is this for?” 2) “Are they really ready to actively participate in this experience, or would it be better to wait until they are a bit older?” 3) “Will this be more enriching than an afternoon dawdling in the backyard or a walk down the street?”

When you can answer these three questions authentically, then you will be making a decision in the best interest of your child.

So for me:

1) Disneyland is for me to let loose with my friends and go on rides

2) my son can’t walk yet so he is definitely too young to actively participate in anything at the park

3) watching my son spend a whole afternoon learning how to slide the screen door open, let himself outside, crawl around, come back inside, slide the screen closed, and repeat is enriching enough for the both of us

sometimes i don’t know if RIE will work

Desere

“I want to be transparent with you.”

This was something I used to tell my students when I taught high school. I used this line to start any conversation where I wanted to be open and honest with them. Maybe it was about the administration requiring me to do something I didn’t believe in, or the testing schedule was conflicting with the learning. Regardless, I believed in having open communication with my students. After all, I expected them to have open communication with each other and myself.

I first heard this line by my mentor, who also believed in being honest with his students. At first I wondered, why show such vulnerability? Wouldn’t students see this as a weakness? We are the teachers. They are students. Those are clear roles that have clear boundaries. We don’t need to justify anything to them. But my mentor made me realize this was not a form of weakness, it was a strength. It was a way to build the relationship, to build rapport.

So, readers, I want to be transparent with you.

In my last post, I wrote about an incident that happened with my mom and my son. After replaying this incident in my head, re-reading my post about it, and speaking with my mom several times about it, I found myself questioning this parenting philosophy I have chosen.

Honestly, this was not the first time I heard the little voice in my head wondering, is this the right way?

How do I know RIE will work? 

How do I know I am not creating emotional scars for my child? 

What if positive parenting is just a ‘trend’ right now?

What if in a few years several articles written by PhD so-and-so, and studies done by Ivy League what’s-it-called come out showing RIE is a bust? 

I know I am not the only mom that wonders if what I am doing on the daily is hurting or helping my child.

I am an over-thinker. And I am sensitive. Which means, I take most things to heart and I tend to over-think everything to the point of exhaustion. So when there is just a little bit of doubt about what I am doing, it gets amplified in my head.

But I didn’t choose RIE because it sounded nice at the time. I chose to follow this philosophy because it spoke to me, to who I am.

I chose RIE because it is a way of parenting, and a way of life, centered on the idea of respect. 

And that idea means the world to me.

But it is hard because it is different. I know I am going against the grain when I avoid screen time with my son, when I speak to him like an adult, when I ask if I can pick him up before doing so. I am aware of all these things. It is very different than what most people are used to. It is very different than how my parents raised me.

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Robert Frost was talking about when he said to take the road less traveled. And I hope it does make all the difference.

But the hardest part is not only that it is different, because it is. No, the hardest part is not offending anyone else’s parenting style knowing how different mine is to theirs. Because parenting is not black and white. Parenting is not even gray, it is a swirl of colors and ideas. Since every person is different, every style of parenting is different. And there is no right or wrong because what works for some might not work for others. As the worlds biggest ‘learn on the job’ type of job, it really depends on who you are and what you believe to be true.

My parents did not raise me using RIE. There were a lot of things they did that would be considered anti-RIE. But here’s the thing, I don’t ever for a second think about their parenting in a bad way.

When I was pregnant and reading left and right about babies and discipline, all I kept coming back to in my head was how incredible my parents handled everything. I put them up on a pedestal and decided I would use them as my guide because my parents instilled in us the characteristics I hope to see in my son one day.

And look, maybe they had no idea what they were doing at the time. But overall (and obviously I am super biased) I think they did a fantastic job.

Therefore, for me to choose this style of parenting that is so different, is not easy. As willing as my amazing mom is to learn with me and try everything I ask of her, I can see how hard it is for her to do things against what she is used to. Consequently, I am having a lot of difficulty sustaining my own passion for this philosophy.

I am questioning myself, because what if ‘respect’ is not enough. When my son is crying, my heart breaks. Of course I want him to stop because he is sad, which makes me sad. And I love him so much that I don’t ever want him to feel sad. But Magda Gerber, founder of RIE, once said “Many awful things have been done in the name of love, but nothing awful can be done in the name of respect.”

What is she referring to?

Well, let’s take the case of a child crying:

  • Showing them love is assuming that when children cry, they are sad. In order to stop feeling sad, they need to stop crying. So we make them stop.
  • Showing them respect is teaching our children how to sit with their uncomfortable feelings and work through them.

We cannot really limit how someone feels, regardless if that someone is an adult or child. It’s not up to us to decide how long someone else needs to cry to get the emotions out. The adult’s job who is nearby, ANY adult nearby, is to let the feelings be, for as long as they need to. RIE is about giving our children emotional freedom, because our children cannot regulate their emotions the way we as adults can. They learn to regulate emotions only through experience. So let them experience strong emotions. Let them experience processing those emotions. And let them experience what it feels like to come out the other side.

We are teaching emotional intelligence.

Ok all this sounds nice… but the fact still remains that this is just so different than what most parents do and believe. And I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know if my child will end up with more emotional intelligence than other children, or if following this style of parenting will give my son emotional scars. I don’t know if positive parenting will get my son to be more creative and hard working. I have no idea if openly communicating with him will give him a better vocabulary. Who knows if modeling respect will make him be respectful to himself and others.

Sometimes, I don’t know if RIE will work.

Maybe Robert Frost was wrong, maybe the road less traveled will not make all the difference.

But I started this blog because I wanted to share my experiences with you, the good and the bad. Maybe when I reach post # 29,583 we will laugh together about how silly and naive I was in the beginning… Maybe.

But a fellow RIE mom was giving advice to another mom who was having doubts about baby-led play and it really resonated. Here is what she wrote:

“It sounds like you are using RIE with a goal in mind. Try to let go of that. RIE kids are not more creative, or independent, or able, than any other kids. They are just more *themselves*. It is hard to let go when you just want the best for your son, but really trust him. He is doing what he needs to do. Try not to compare him to others. The only goal of RIE is really to have the tools to truly allow our kids to be who they are.“

Thank you fellow RIE mom, for reminding me of what RIE is really about and why I believe in it so much.

crying is uncomfortable

Desere6 Comments

My mom came over today.

I had just walked back from the park with my son and was dying to use the restroom. I walked in, put Frank on the floor, and told him I was sorry but really needed to use the restroom. Usually I give him a bigger warning but I didn’t think I could wait this time. So I left him on the floor with his grandma and went.

Frank cried. Sometimes he does when I leave.

When I came out of the bathroom, I sat on the floor and rubbed my son’s back. I told him I hear him and I see how sad he was that I left.

My mom turned to me and said, “I don’t think this RIE stuff works.”

This is not the first time she has said this phrase to me.

She explained that he was crying when I left. I said I heard. She said because she respects my parenting she didn’t do anything. So I asked her what is it that she would have done differently. She said she would have distracted him.

Why?

To stop his crying.

Now before I go on, I want to point out my mom has the best of intentions. She loves her grandson. And I love her dearly for trying to learn about this parenting philosophy because she sees how important it is to me. (I love you mom)

But here is the problem my mom is facing: crying makes her uncomfortable.

And I don’t blame her. Crying makes me uncomfortable too. As a matter of fact, I bet you it would be tough to find many people who didn’t feel weird when they heard crying, especially a baby crying. Our instincts tell us to help, help by making it stop.

But maybe our job is not to try and fix it. My son is sad because I left. Why do I need to stop his feeling sad?

When I am sad or upset and I sit with my husband to tell him what is bothering me, I don’t know how I would feel if he started waving something in front of my face or singing a song to me. Actually that’s a lie. I know how I would feel. I would feel angry and disrespected.

I want a shoulder to cry on. I want a listening ear. That’s what I crave when I’m sad.

Do babies deserve any less?

Well maybe they do. Maybe we should stop their crying. After all, feeling sad is… sad.

So let’s stop his feelings by distracting him. Let’s send him the message that this feeling of sadness he is experiencing is wrong, that he needs to ignore it, it needs to stop.

And it’s easy to distract a baby, simply wave something in front of their face.

The consequence of course is that I am now conditioning my baby to ignore this weird feeling. When my baby becomes let’s say seven years old, waving a toy might not be powerful enough. Maybe now when he’s feeling sad I will turn on a movie for him or give him ice cream. That is stronger than simply showing him a new object.

What happens when he becomes a teenager and starts feeling sad? What will he turn to that’s more powerful than TV in order to distract himself? I can think of a few things teenagers turn to to distract themselves from daily life, can’t you?

Am I implying that distracting my son so he stops crying will make him a drug addict? Of course not. But why aren’t we teaching our children how to handle healthy emotions? And why not start when they are young, really young? There is nothing wrong with feeling sad. As a matter of fact, children and babies are naturally inclined to release their feelings so they can move on.

As Patty Wipfler from Hand-in-Hand parenting explains:

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night.”

So crying is uncomfortable. I agree. Guess what, it is probably uncomfortable to your child as well. So let them cry and get over the big wave of emotions they are feeling. Then you both can move on.

Just to clarify however, I do not believe in the ‘cry it out’ method. When I say, let them cry, this does not mean leave them to cry alone and afraid while I wait in another room for it to stop. Respectful parenting is not about ignoring these feelings. Our job is to be present, and to support our child through it.

My presence is incredibly important during this time of big emotions. That is why when I got out of the restroom I didn’t pick my son up to rescue him from his own crying. I sat down on his level, told him that I was here, that I see he is sad, and that I understand.

I have this personal motto. I made it up when I was really young and used to use it whenever I got hurt. “Embrace and overcome.” If I fell or anything, I would tell myself embrace the pain and overcome. Then when I got older and was on the water polo team, I used it when practice was hard and my body was aching. Finally, when I was in labor with my son, I tried to remember this as well.

What’s my point with all this? Well this motto applies to crying and my son.

Allowing him to self soothe, with me being 100% present, is the best thing I can do when he is upset. Yes I am uncomfortable when I hear him crying because, crying is uncomfortable. But I need to embrace this uncomfortable feeling, and overcome it. This way I can help my son embrace his big feelings as well, and most importantly, overcome them. 

what do you do all week?

Desere1 Comment

Since becoming a new mom and an even newer stay at home mom, I’m constantly asked “what do you do all week?”

It’s a well meaning question, probably similar to asking “How are you?” or “How’s life going?”. But it doesn’t feel like that.

Honestly, it feels like an attack on me as a stay at home mom. It feels more like, “You are a stay at home mom so you better be doing stuff all week long”, “you can’t possibly be a stay at home mom and also just be staying at home every day”, or “You are busy enough to justify quitting your job, right?”.

Ok, maybe the people asking me this don’t really think all that. But I just really hate this question, “What do you do all week?”

Other than my insecurities as a stay at home mom, I believe the actual problem behind it is that new parents think they need to fill their week with activities to entertain their baby. And many do.

But I like being home most of the week. At home my son is comfortable and gets to have hours of baby-led play. At home my son is not put in and out of his carseat 100 times. At home my son eats on the floor. At home my son gets to nap in his crib.

I like staying home.

And of course, all of this is my prerogative as a mom.

But when people ask me “What do you do all week?” I find it very hard to answer honestly. I feel their pressure. I feel their judgment. I feel the stigma of the ‘stay at home mom’ and the societal pressure to constantly entertain our little ones. I just feel awkward and weird telling people that I don’t do much all week. So … I lie. I tell them that I do go to the library and play groups. I say I go to events with other moms like museums or gardens. Sometimes I just make stuff up because I don’t want people to judge me for actually just letting my son play most of the day while I watch.

I’m scared of others thinking that I am a lazy parent.

Am I?

Am I am truly lazy for wanting to be at home so that my son can just play? Babies learn about their world through play.

Am I lazy for not taking him to a class where the teacher leads all the babies to clap their hands and sing songs and move around? I want my son to have free exploration in his own way, which differs day to day. And that’s ok because babies do things in the moment, moment to moment.

So why do I need to have a week filled with activities?

As a high school teacher I encountered a lot of teenagers with overwhelming extra-curricular schedules. As teens, having well rounded lives is not a bad thing. But this over scheduling has now trickled down to kids, toddlers, and even babies.

Babies don’t need agendas. They just need a safe space to play and explore.

So instead of asking me what do I do all week, how about you ask me what my son does all week.

Because if you ask me what I do all week the answer will be the same, I don’t do much.

But if you ask me what my son does all week… he explores, he discovers, he feels, and he tastes.

He observes people outside and listens to different sounds coming through the window.

He bangs objects on other objects or slides them across the floor.

He is learning physics from rolling his ball across the room or throwing objects over the edge of the stairs.

He is learning positioning when he arranges his blocks in a certain way.

He is learning transporting when he picks up his toys and puts them in different sized containers or into his little truck.

He is learning transforming when he squishes the pieces of banana with his fingers.

These are just a few of the behavioral schemas I observe throughout the day. So no, I don’t do much all week. I simply stay home to allow my son to fully develop physically and cognitively through play. Yes, just whole spirited, uninhibited play.

self control

Desere1 Comment

In my last RIE class there was an incident that led to a big discussion about self control.

One baby, let’s call him A, kept going to a little girl and hitting her on the head. Although we have the two teachers and all the moms there, we were not always able to block the hitting. Whenever it happened, the girl would go to her mom who would hug her until she felt better.

At one point the boy walked (he is one of two in my class that can already walk) toward the girl. Our teacher who narrates said “A, no.” The boy’s mom, taking our teacher’s lead, began saying “no, no” to her son and scooting toward him. Then the boy hit the girl, hard. She was crying uncontrollably. Our other teacher, who interacts with the babies, came over. The boy’s mom and the girl’s mom came over. Three adults, 2 babies.

Both moms were trying to console the girl. Then the boy tried to hit her again. This time, his mom grabbed his arm and said “no you cannot hit her.” The girl was screaming. The three adults were hovering. The whole debacle seemed to upset the boy who just walked away to play with the toys outside.

This is when our teacher began a conversation about modeling. You see, when my teacher said “A no” her ‘no’ was indifferent. There was no shame or warning in her statement. There were already a few times that the boy hit the girl and was blocked. So this last time, when he walked over, the teacher simply stated, ‘no’. The mom’s ‘no’ was not the same. She said it a few times and it was done admonishingly. Furthermore, she resorted to grabbing his arm to stop his last attempt.

Who can blame her? This is an emotional scene. It is emotional because we as adults lose our self control and just react in the moment. Whenever we see our own child doing something to another child, or if another child does something to our baby, it is extremely hard to breath and calmly walk towards them. It is extremely hard to resist the reactionary “NO!” and the arm grab. And why wouldn’t it be extremely hard? It is a tough and emotional situation.

Yet we never get any repercussions for losing our self control.

Babies do not have a lot of self control. Self control is a skill that babies learn, slowly, over years and years. And although they do get better as they hit several developmental milestones, they are still led by their emotions. They can’t help it. When they feel something strongly it will take over and they are no longer acting out of reason or logic, but out of emotion.

The problem is the moment we grab their hand, the moment we act aggressively, our children will want to resist. They will resist when we physically hold on to their bodies. They will resist when we yell “no”.

“So what are we supposed to do?”, the boy’s mom and I both asked our teacher.

We can never model non aggression with aggression. If we do not want our children to be physically rough with another child, then we cannot be physically rough with them. There is never a time when we should grab our child’s arm or body to stop them from doing something. If we want to stop them, we block. This means simply placing our hand in between them and whatever or whoever we are trying to protect. If you find that simply blocking, as stated above, is not working, the best thing to do is to physically remove your child from the situation.

Practicing respectful parenting means not only respecting our children, but also teaching them to respect themselves and others. This happens organically of course because we treat them with trust and respect. We are models to our children.

Furthermore, our teacher noted, we need to remember that babies are building their self control and to notice the times they are demonstrating control rather than only noting the times they lose it.

Yes, toward the end of class A was constantly walking over to the girl and trying to hit her. What about during the first 30 minutes of class when he would walk over to her and admire the bow in her hair? What about all the times he walked by another baby, once even just inches away from them, without touching or hitting their head? What about when my son had a ball in his mouth and A walked over and grabbed the ball out of my son’s mouth without touching any other part of my son’s face? Most importantly, what about when he removed himself from the emotional situation to go outside? There were so many moments within the 90 minutes of class where A showed incredible self control. Which is not easy, especially for a baby who is walking among crawlers.

When I started teaching, my mentor gave me a book, Tools for Teaching by Fred Jones. This book had so much advice in it that correlates to RIE. One thing I remember reading was about controlling our own anger as a teacher. The book outlines ways to do this and the biggest rule is to breathe. When students get out of control or do something in class, first take a few breathes. This is because simply breathing forces you to calm down.Your heart rate goes down, your muscles relax. This also buys you a few seconds to think about what just happened, to act accordingly. Then walk over and do whatever disciplinary action needs to be done with the students. The high school where I taught, discipline was the #1 priority. If you could not control your class, there was no hope in teaching them anything. And I cannot tell you how many times this breathing technique saved my classroom environment.

It’s not easy though. It is not easy to have such control.

So back to parenting and back to the little boy. At the end, do we punish him for hitting the girl. No, we do not. Because he lost control. Which we all do. What we really need to start doing is what I had to do when I was training to be a teacher. We have to work on ourselves.

We need to train to have better self control. We need to slow down. We need to breathe. We need to reflect, respect, and respond (the 3 R’s), rather than react. We need to act gently.

It’s on us to change our behavior if we want to influence our children’s behavior. We need to work on ourselves so that we can be the best models for our kids.

And no…it’s not easy. But no one ever said parenting would be easy.

 

anticipation begets cooperation

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For the past two weeks or so, my son has been sick. Let me tell you, practicing respectful parenting with a sick baby is not easy!

The biggest struggle I have been having is wiping my son’s nose. He hates it! But there is not much I can do when he sneezes, I have to wipe him up. As I go near him with the tissue he immediately turns his head away. When I try to wipe he will whip his head back and forth and eventually whimper or scream for me to leave him alone.

This is when I realized, I am approaching him all wrong.

RIE has taught me a lot about slowing down. When we want our children to cooperate, it is important to remember they run at a much slower pace than we do. When we slow down, get down on their level, and speak to them with respect, this is often all they need to do what we ask.

Why on earth haven’t I been following my own advice the past two weeks!? Well, it’s because he is sick, and my husband is sick, and there is lack of sleep, and I forgot. I forgot that my goal is to trust and respect my son. always. I forgot that I should be treating him like a human, not an object. Who do you know that would want you to come up from behind and start wiping their nose for them?

So I did some research on one of the RIE Mom groups on Facebook, and found some advice for what to do. This morning, I tried it.

My son sneezed, and there was snot everywhere.

Not moving from my spot I said, “Franky, you sneezed and have a lot of snot, I am going to get a tissue.”

I got up and walked over to the tissue box. I grabbed one and sat back where I was originally sitting on the floor.

“I have a tissue now.” I waited until he saw me and came over out of interest. I let him touch the tissue.

“I need to wipe your nose with this tissue.”

More waiting.

“I am going to wipe you. 1 … 2 … 3 …” and I wiped his nose.

And you know what my son did. Nothing. He let me wipe his nose completely, he let me wipe his mouth and under his chin. He watched me throw the tissue away and then went back to playing with his toys.

Did the process maybe take longer than if I just attacked him with a tissue, maybe? But my son was not traumatized by the experience. I can’t believe I wasn’t doing this sooner!

At RIE class, my teacher often tells us “anticipation begets cooperation“. Allowing babies to anticipate our actions before we actually do anything, gives them the opportunity to cooperate. This is the difference between any care-giver and an educarer. (remember RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educarers). My teacher’s mentor, Magda Gerber, explains that “the care-giver may scoop up an infant unexpectedly from behind, thereby startling, interrupting and creating resistance in the infant, the educarer always tells the infant before she does anything with him or her and thus gains cooperation.”

So that’s it. The secret to getting babies to cooperate is often as simple as telling them what you plan on doing.

I explained in one of my posts how I change my son’s diaper. It is never an easy task, and what has helped me was getting my son as involved as possible, having him help me by lifting his legs and wiping. There are still, to this day, many times that this task is incredibly challenging. Before I am able to apply what I described in that post, he is struggling to even lay down. So I recently starting using my teachers advice with this as well.

When I suspect he needs a change, I let him know that I will be changing his diaper in a few minutes. After this time passes, I tell him I will pick him up to go change his diaper. As I carry him to his room I am telling him that we are going to his room to change his diaper. (as you probably noticed, I try to say the phrase ‘change your diaper’ as often as I can) Before setting him down I tell him, “I am about to put you on your changing table”. As I am lowering him, “I am putting you on the changing table now”. etc.

It may seem annoying to an outsider, but what I am trying to do is really convey the message to my son that which I am about to do to him. This gets him ready and he has become way more cooperative once I lay him all the way down.

Communication, that’s the key.

As I am meeting more moms and as my son is growing, I am realizing this approach to parenting really comes down to the #1 rule, respect. I want my son to know that I hear him, that I am with him, that we are a team. I am not doing things to him because he is not an object, he is a person. Of course, I need to change his diaper and feed him, but I want him to be part of the process. Therefore to remain respectful, I really can’t do anything without communication.

Does telling my son what I am going to do always work, no way! But when it does it makes me feel good knowing that I am truly respecting my child.

don’t lead the read

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