Oh the struggle of the changing table.

There is no way any parent of a child has not faced this type of struggle at some point or another. For us, it happened when Frank was 7.5 months old. He HATED being on his back. He would immediately roll over and try to escape. So we did what most parents do, we tried distracting him with some toy so we could finish changing his diaper as fast as possible.

And this worked. Sort of. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Often  my son was crying and screaming. Until I found RIE. Aha! I was doing this all wrong…

First, the groundwork of RIE that are crucial to this change:

• respect

• trust

• doing less so your child does more

• giving 100% attention during care-taking activities

 

My baby is as deserving of respect and trust as anyone else in the world. During this time (and the other 4+ times that day when we are on the changing table) I need to treat my son with respect. This means I need to stop distracting him with a toy.

I remember moms preaching to me while I was pregnant, “distraction, distraction, distraction.” And distraction truly is a godsend as a new parent. Your baby is crying, distract with a song. Your baby is on the changing table, distract with a toy. Your baby doesn’t wan’t to eat, distract by moving the spoon like an airplane (bonus: make airplane sounds).  But this can easily become a slippery slope. Your kid is unhappy, distract with a funny face. Your kids are bothering you while you are out with friends, distract with a smartphone. This ‘tool’ has became an integral part of parenting in our society, and an easy fix to several situations. The unfortunate side effects of this, however, are that you are creating a dependency on entertainment, you are ignoring your child’s feelings, and you are signaling to your little one that they are passive beings with no rights or abilities.

Let’s back up a little and go back to the changing table. When you give your baby a toy so you can change their diaper in peace, and quickly, you are really doing them an dishonor. You are being deceptive, rather than respective. “I am going to trick you into not paying attention to me while I do things to your body.” Don’t underestimate your child’s intelligence! RIE is about honest communication. Rather than distract, honestly let your child know what is about to happen. Just as we let them know we are going to pick them up before scooping them off the ground, we also let them know we are going to change them before setting them on the changing table. It is not about lying to them, it is about including them.

If your child cries when you set them down, acknowledge these feelings. Again, we don’t give them a toy to ‘shut them up’. This shows we do not value their emotions. Instead say “I hear you, you are upset. Are you not ready to lay down on your back yet?” Letting my son know that I hear his cries and that I am trying to help, has really transformed my relationship with him. Sometimes I pick him up and wait. Other times I tell him that I hear him and that I am here, which is often all it takes for him to calm down. I wait  until he is calm before I start the diaper process. This way he feels secure in knowing that I hear him, but that I am not deterred from my parental duty.

This leads to the next part, trust. In order to truly include your baby in this activity, you need to trust in his/her ability. None of this will work if you don’t trust that your baby is capable of listening to your directions, and helping you through this task. Describe everything you are doing, and ask your baby for help. Keep asking, and keep asking. In time, your baby will start to do what you ask.

I used to open up my son’s diaper and grab his legs by the ankle to raise his butt. Isn’t this what all parents do? When I decided to try RIE on the changing table, I began with the idea of asking him to raise his legs. “I am opening up your diaper. Raise your legs so I can take the diaper off.” Then I waited. This felt so long, but I was determined. Finally my son raised his legs! Maybe he did it coincidentally. Maybe he had an itch. Maybe he wanted to see his toes. I don’t know! But he raised his legs and I said, “Thank you for raising your legs. I can now remove your diaper.” Regardless of why he did it, he is listening to the words I am saying as he is completing the action. With time, the connection gets made. This is how language gets formed, organically.

I let him know that I am wiping him to make sure he is clean. Then I tell him that I am going to slide the clean diaper under his butt. “When you are ready, put your legs down.” More waiting. A lot of waiting. Finally he puts his legs down. “Thank you for putting your legs down. Now I can close up your clean diaper. Can you feel my strapping it down?”

RIE is about doing less, so your child does more. Why put so much stress onto yourself during this time of the day? By doing less and letting my son do more during his diaper changes, I feel so much happier. I actually like changing his diaper now!

This brings me to the last point from above, giving 100% attention. Since RIE believes in child-led play, many might argue that there leaves no time during the day to love on your baby. My husband did at least. When we first began using RIE at home and my son would be playing, my husband would interrupt him with kisses, or try to play with him with a specific toy. When I tried to stop him, my husband would get angry with me, saying “this is my son and I can love him and kiss him and play with him when I want.” How could I truly argue? I too felt like I was losing ‘love’ time with my baby by becoming an observer most of the day.

But love shows up during other parts of the day, the care-taking parts. What better way to show someone you love them then when you take care of them? When you are changing a diaper or feeding your baby, those are the one-on-one moments. Those are the times to take in your baby’s wonderfulness, to see who they are, to talk to them and love on them.

Now this takes a lot of time, and patience. So much patience! I read an article about a father’s experience applying RIE to the changing table and he said, be ready to spend the whole day there. Just have that expectation going in, because sometimes you will have to wait. Once I accepted this, the waiting seemed to get shorter.

My husband is not as patient as I am. It took him a lot longer to accept this new style of diaper changes. He often told me that it wasn’t going to work. He also would tell my son a few times “put your legs down” before sometimes nudging them down himself. But now? My husband is the master of the changing table. After truly adopting this method and waiting more, my husband has so much fun with my son. I can hear them from the next room and even feel jealous of their bonding! How great is that? They get to bond during an activity most parents dread!

 

The latest thing I began trying was letting my son throw his diaper into the diaper genie. After the “punch your arms through the sleeve” and “kick your leg as I pull your pants on”, I pick up his diaper and move it toward the edge of the changing table where the diaper genie is. He get’s so excited and flips onto his stomach. At first I showed him how I opened the diaper genie and threw the diaper inside, then snapped the lid closed again. (narrating what I was doing, of course). Now I leave the diaper there and open the diaper genie, and wait. My son literally bounces up and down from joy. He picks up the diaper and leans over. I keep one hand on his back to make sure he is safe. He then throws the diaper into the diaper genie. I push it down. We close the lid together. I let him know we are all done and that I am going to pick him up. This is so much fun, you seriously need to try it.

What am I planning on trying next? Well my RIE teacher told us that one parent had her kid help open up his diaper and similarly tap on the straps of the new diaper to close it. I have not tried this yet, but this is my next goal. Sometimes Franky’s hands are on the diaper as I open it up, so I say “You feel your full diaper, I am going to open it now. Do you feel my pulling the straps open?” Soon he will take over this, and that’s one less thing I need to do!

Diaper changes… I like them… mic drop