How often do you find yourself standing in a group of people and you begin talking negatively about someone standing in that group? 

Probably never… because that would be so incredibly rude. Right?

But if we don’t do that to other adults why is it ok to do it to our children? People won’t even talk about strangers rudely in front of them, but so often treat their own flesh and blood with such disrespect.

If you are still unsure what I’m getting at, let me describe what happened to me a while ago at the park.

I was sitting with another mom whose daughter is 3.5 years old. Our kids were playing in the sand, maybe 4 feet away from where we were sitting. We talked about this and that, until the mom began telling me about her daughter’s temper tantrums and how uncontrollable she is during these times.

So I did what you would have done. I nodded and let her talk. It felt weird that she was describing her daughter in such a negative light while her daughter was so close to us, but I figured this mom just needed to vent a little.

The problem was the mom kept going. She really got into the details of this girl’s meltdowns. So much so that she then stood up and began demonstrating what the girl’s face looks like and how she walks when she is angry. This grown woman was stomping up and down the sidewalk between where I was sitting and where our two children were playing, hands in the air. I mean writing it down right now seems so ridiculous.

But the part that breaks my heart, is when I looked at her daughter, she had stopped playing and was watching her mother.

And you know what? This happens ALL the time!

I am always at the park or a playdate, listening to mothers talking rudely about their children who are often standing right by our legs.

This behavior is not ok.

Our children are in fact always watching and always listening to us. They are learning about life from us. This is easy to forget, because they are so small. It is easy to take advantage of them because they rely on us for so much. But these are human beings and speaking about them negatively in front of them is rude.

So what to do if you find yourself in situations like the one I described above that make you very uncomfortable. What to do when you hear someone disrespecting a child like this?

1. Draw attention to the child’s presence

I was uncomfortable in the above story but did nothing. When I relayed the entire story about the mom modeling her daughter’s temper tantrums to my RIE teacher, she suggested helping the parent become aware of the child’s presence.

For example, when the mom started talking about her daughter and I saw the daughter looking over, I could have said directly to the daughter “S you hear your mommy talking about you” or “S, your mama is telling me about what happened when you were at the store.”

Sometimes, people just forget.

Sometimes when you are home all day, every day, with your children, you crave adult interaction so much that when you get to the park and have another listening ear you unload everything and anything. I get that.

So simply redirecting the focus on the child by including them somehow in the conversation, can help the parent realize that the child is right there, and they are listening.

I try to do this whenever my husband gets home and I begin talking his ear off about every detail that happened that day with our son. I see Frank is listening because he hears his name, so I turn to him and include him. “Franky, I am telling your daddy about how today you climbed the big tower … how you played well with so and so … how you got upset when the other boy took the truck … etc.”

It takes time, and getting used to, but rephrasing things like this helps me focus on my son’s presence.

2. Have a conversation with your child

My RIE teacher also asked me if my son noticed the mom ridiculing her daughter. She told me that talking about what happened when we got home would be incredibly valuable.

Something along the lines of “Today at the park you noticed that mama talking about her daughter. That was not very respectful and it made me uncomfortable. I saw you looking up and I wonder if it made you uncomfortable too.”

My son is only 1.5 years old, so that is where that type of conversation would end. Maybe when he is more verbal, he will be the one starting conversations like this with me when we get home. But at least I know that I have expressed to my son that I was uncomfortable with what happened. After all, I am modeling the person I want him to be. So that brings me to my last point…

3. Choose to model respect

Our kids watch us and copy us because we are their idea of what the world is like. We model relationship and communication. When my son is watching me, I want him to see that I treat people around me with respect. But I can only hope he understands this by also treating him with respect as well.

Choose to be the best person you can be for your children. Choose not to talk about them rudely in front of them. Choose to be brave enough to stand up to this type of disrespect in the moment.

My teacher often reminds us that “Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect.” And frankly, so should we as adults.