So I recently (as in 5 days ago) gave birth to another baby boy. Frank is now 2 years 3 months old and has welcomed his new brother in the most loving way possible. Of course his unease about this new transition has manifested into limit testing behavior throughout the day … but that’s for another post.

Today I want to talk about the expectation to be happy. Before I personalize this idea using Franky and his new brother, I’m going to bring an example of this that I just witnessed at the park on Tuesday.

We ran into a mother I know and her daughter who is 5 years old. The mother informed me that her daughter has just started transitional kindergarten. So I looked at the girl and said, “How do you feel about school?” The girl was sitting by us playing in the sand. She dug her feet in the sand and looked down when I asked this.

So the mom immediately chimes and said “it’s good right S?”

The daughter looks up, doesn’t really smile, and continues to look down and ‘play’ with her feet in the sand. I wanted to say something. But the mom kept going…

“You really like school.”
“It’s so fun.”
“School is good.”

The daughter didn’t seem to agree. Clearly her body language was hinting otherwise.

I tried to look at the girl and say something along the lines of “School is something new huh?” Hoping this might start a conversation, maybe give the girl the opportunity to open up about how she really feels. But I didn’t get a chance.

My point with this story is that, the adult (in this case the mom) is so preoccupied with the hope that her daughter enjoys school that she misses the fact that her daughter clearly has some differing feelings.

The reality is, maybe school isn’t so fun all the time. I mean, we can all relate to that?

But when we instill this type of expectation, then the consequence is when the child doesn’t feel the same way they end up feeling guilty. Constantly hearing “school is so great, you love it, etc” but feeling like it isn’t so great can be very emotionally confusing for anyone, especially a child.

Doing this all the time to a child teaches them not to trust their own feelings. I mean if everyone keeps telling me I’m supposed to like school and I don’t then maybe my feelings are wrong.

But feelings are never wrong. That’s why with this type of parenting philosophy we let our kids cry, we don’t distract, we acknowledge feelings.

So why am I bringing this up 5 days after giving birth to my second child?

All I’ve heard the last month and ESPECIALLY the past 5 days are people looking at Franky, with huge smiles, and saying things like..

“You’re going to be a big brother!!”
“Are you excited to have a brother!”
“Oh my god you have a baby brother now!”
“How exciting!”

And you know what, I don’t think Franky is feeling excitement. I think he’s feeling confused. I think he is wondering where his place is now in this new family unit we have at home. I think he sees me constantly with the baby and wonders if I still love him. I think he notices at night that the baby is in our room, and then feels sad that he can’t also spend the night in our room.

Yes, these are all just feelings. And yes it’s only been a few days so how do I already think all these things from just a few days… Well I’ve spent the past two years carefully observing my son, and building up his emotional intelligence. And I think I can give pretty good guesses now to how he feels based on his body language, demeanor, and behavior throughout the day.

Does he show absolute adoration for his brother, of course! Did he ask right away to hold him and then give the biggest smile as he held the baby in his arms, yes! Does Franky tell us to check whenever he hears his brother cry, he does!!

But does that mean he’s excited to be a big brother?

Can a two year old even understand what that question means?

It blows my mind that people would even ask this before the baby was here. Like this person who his whole existence has only known life with me and his father can understand the idea that soon it won’t be just him.

Anyway I’m getting a little ranty, that’s the lack of sleep and hormones I guess.

The point is, sometimes open ended questions are better. “How is being a big brother?” Instead of “Don’t you love being a big brother now?” The first opens up the door to authentic feelings. The second implies that being a big brother is great.

Obviously I don’t expect everyone to have these deep emotional conversations with my son about his state of mind. That’s my job.

I just wanted to share my view on this, in hopes that as the adults and the ultimate models to our children, we will think before we impose expectations to be happy in every situation. That we don’t take it personally when our children don’t enjoy school, or the present we bought them, or the activity we planned, or the hug we want to give, or whatever.

It’s not personal.

This is how they feel and our job is to hold space for that feeling.

Anyway stay with me these next few months as I attempt to find time to share with you what life has become as a mother of two, using the respectful approach to parenting.