I have outlined my style of teaching.

I have talked about the mommy struggles.

I introduced RIE.

For a while, I thought I would keep trying things at home based on what I had read in articles I found online. But ultimately, reading ideas in theory is very different then seeing the application of those ideas in real life.

So I decided to enroll in a RIE class.

first RIE class

I’m not going to sugarcoat the weirdness of this class, especially since the purpose of my blog is to walk you through everything I am experiencing.

I knew by now that the nature of RIE is to have baby-led play, with parents as observers. Yet in my head I still imagined something similar to the several other parent-me or mommy-and-me classes I tried out. RIE class is definitely NOT like any other class.

So I walk in to a space that is relatively small. There were two instructors there. One was the official teacher, let’s call her Leah. The other is training to become RIE certified, let’s call her Rachel. I was told to take off my shoes and put my stuff away in a cubby, as well as remove my son’s socks. The reasoning for this, as Leah explained, was to allow for better grip in the play area.

We passed the child safety gate into the play zone, and I was told to sit along one of the walls with my son. I took this opportunity to take in my surroundings.

There were toys everywhere, but not like the toys you typically see babies these days playing with. Since I am part of a mom’s club in the city I live in, I am always going to different moms’ houses and they are usually taken over by electronic gadgets, legos, tents, bins filled with more toys, musical instruments, walkers, bouncers, play mats, etc. Basically everything you would find at Babies R Us and Toys R Us. Instead, the toys at RIE were more like objects you might normally find around the house. There were bins of different sizes, plastic cylinders, balls of different textures, materials, several dolls, and strange shaped objects that looked soft to the touch. Toward the back were 4 cubbies lined up against the wall. In each one, objects were placed in the center. On the right side of the room there was a wicker pouf set in the middle of the carpet, and on the other side there was a small ramp that led into what appeared to be a wooden sandbox without any sand in it. Instead, the sandbox had more objects inside.

So I sat along the wall, looking at all the open-ended toys around the room. Leah told me to place Franky down when he seemed eager to begin playing. I asked how I would know, and she told me that I knew my son best. This seemed odd. I mean, I came to learn what to do… this is a RIE class after all. But I thought about it and I guess she was right, I do know my son best. When I could feel the muscles in his back arching toward the toys, I began to set him down. 

I was immediately told to place Franky down on his back. I never knew I was supposed to do this! Ever since Franky began crawling I always placed him down on his tummy, or on his knees, so as to let him crawl away. My teacher explained that the back is a neutral position, and placing your child on their back is letting them choose what to do next.

When we place our children in certain positions, we are telling them to be in those positions, even if they might not be ready. I had read about this during my RIE research. Once babies can sit, parents will often place babies in the seated position. This happens long before babies have the ability, or confidence, to get out of the seated position if they want to. We are forcing an unnatural and probably uncomfortable position. How much more empowering is it to let your child go to that position on their own, and  moreover leave that position when they are ready? A big section of RIE deals with physical development, and allowing babies to achieve different milestones when they are ready. This is done for example by avoiding tummy time so babies roll onto their tummy when they are ready, or not holding your kid’s hands helping them walk so as to avoid giving them the false readiness of mobility.

Overall, (always) placing a child on their back lets them choose to lay and take in their surrounding, roll over and spend time on their tummy, crunch up into a sitting position, etc. Regardless what they do, the choice is theirs. 

Ok, my son is venturing out and I don’t really know what my role is now. Am I allowed to talk? Am I allowed to say hi to my son when he comes over to me? Can I go near him or do I have to stay against the wall? What is the protocol here ?!?

As more moms and babies trickled in, I decided I will just watch what the other moms did. Sure enough, moms just sat silently along the wall. Leah, our instructor, sat in one corner and simply narrated what she saw. She directed her comments more to the babies themselves, not to us. Rachel was constantly moving around with the babies. Whenever an intervention was needed, she was the one doing it. The idea was she was modeling to us, what RIE parenting is like. While Leah was narrating to help us truly observe our babies. 

Here is an example of one scenario that took place. I’ll describe what the kids did and how Leah narrated.

Two of the kids (who I will refer to as M and W) were both intrigued by the same object.

“M you had the toy. Now W has it. M you didn’t like that. W now you are getting upset.” 

*notice how she didn’t say “W took the toy from you”. There is no victim and aggressor here.

W proceeds to crawl to his mother and nestle into her lap. His mom hugs him and holds onto him. W begins to calm down.

“W you were upset and found the comfort of your mom.” 

Then Leah talked to W’s mom directly: “How great is that? W was upset and instead of you rushing over to ‘save’ him, he found his way to you. He knows you are sitting there, and that in your arms he will feel better.”

Meanwhile M was still sitting in the same spot and crying. 

“M you too can go to your mom if you would like”

Now my son, from across the room, was watching everything.

“Frank you see M is upset. You are wondering why he is feeling upset. It is making you stop playing.” 

At this point, the teacher told M’s mom to move closer. She creeped closer to her son. He saw her and crawled into her arms.

 

In the example above, the purpose of Leah’s narration was so that we, as parents, can learn to observe the situation as objectively as possible before acting. Yes it was weird, and honestly felt a little cult-ish. But this was definitely an aha moment. The idea of not intervening. Babies will touch each other, babies will grab toys away from each other, and babies will cry. That is OK. This is how babies behave. This is how babies play!

Parents don’t need to get involved.

Parents really shouldn’t get involved.

First we should watch and assess the situation. In the example above, W was upset and went to his mom to get comforted. His mom didn’t come over, she didn’t project her own fear or worry about the situation onto her son. He was being proactive, and he sought her love and support. He knew where his mom was sitting. He went to her. Again, how empowering!

There was more.

As I mentioned above, Rachel was with the babies, and there was also a lot of modeling happening. When one baby would touch another baby, Rachel would place her hand in the way to block their hand. She would then gently caress both of the babies’ face or hair, and say the words “we touch gently.” Again, there is no victim or aggressor. Regardless of who was touching who, she would caress both of them. Sometimes she would simply stop the first baby, only by placing her hand in the way, and say “[baby’s name] does not want to be touched like that.” I have never seen this type of intervention before. It was gentle, and firm. She stopped the action, but not by grabbing the kid’s hand, yanking it away, removing the kid, or saying “don’t do that!”

This is really about treating babies as whole people.

Modeling gentleness with gentleness.