Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).