I’m stressed!

Well… duh. I’m a mom. Of course I’m stressed. But that’s not what this post is about.

“I’m stressed” – thought by every toddler everywhere. And that might seem like an unusual thing to think about…

Because something we take for granted is the fact that toddlers who are incredibly powerful but incredibly small are constantly dealing with stress. They’re constantly dealing with power struggles, with things that they want to do but can’t. They want to go outside but can’t. They want to throw but are stopped. They want to scream but are shushed. They are constantly told ‘no’. And all of this puts stress on them.

So what do we do about this stress? I am not just going to let my son do whatever he wants so his life is less stressful, of course not. I have wants and needs as his mother and as a human too. However there are some things I can do to avoid adding more stress to my little guy’s life.

Predictability

The more predictable his daily routine is, the less stress I inflict. Eating meals at around the same time so our little one knows when to expect to be fed. Sleeping around the same time so our little ones don’t get over tired. These simple things often contribute to the toddler meltdowns we are all so familiar with and can often be readily avoided.

Furthermore, going somewhere new, meeting new people, joining new activities, all of this just adds to the stress. This doesn’t mean you can’t go anywhere ever. Just limit your outings to new places maybe once a week. And when you are deciding if somewhere is worth it, just remember to ask yourself who is this really for? (I talk more about this here)

Freedom

One thing that helps is making sure our kids have a yes space where they are completely free. A yes space is something referred to in RIE as a place in the home, preferably gated, that there are no “no’s”. In other words, everything is completely safe and free to be used whenever and however your child wants. This closed and safe space gives our kids the freedom to do what they need to do, whether it is to climb safely or bang objects on the floor or throw balls around. And strangely enough, having this space smaller than you would think, with less stuff, gives them the clarity and safety to continue playing for long periods of time.

And it is not enough just having this space, ensuring that your child spends most of their time in this space with open ended objects and minimal intervention from you is key.

Your child also deserves freedom in all settings, to a degree. Here I am talking about avoiding being the ‘helicopter parent’. Giving your child the space and the confidence in their abilities helps not put added stress to whatever situation they are in.

This week in class, my son and another boy were both climbing the wooden steps structure. The other boy started saying ‘no’ to my son and tried to push him off. The boy’s mom lunged forward to stop her son but the teacher stopped her. Instead of rushing over, the teacher firmly told the boy that he is pushing Frank and that is dangerous. The other boy instantly stopped and faced the teacher, listening to her words. My teacher later explained that using our voice commands enough attention and energy to help in these types of situations. Especially now that the kids are 1.5-2 years old. Using our bodies often commands too much energy, and only adds more stress to the situation. She said many times, when we lunge forward, we actually escalate the situation and can cause more damage.

Having confidence and minimal intervention really play a huge role in allowing our kids to problem solve, learn social cues, and gain trust in themselves as individuals.

Crying

Do you ever have those days where you just need a good cry? Not only do I have days like this, since becoming a mom this feeling is overwhelming sometimes. And I don’t want anything other than to just sit and cry it out.

Well sometimes… our kids need that too.

One time in my RIE class, one kid was playing with a toy bus and another kid kept taking it away from him. Every time the bus was taken, the kid would cry and cry. He was incredibly upset. And because of our history and experience with one another, because of the teacher’s familiarity with this toddler, she saw his upset as more than simply being hurt that his toy was being taken. He was using this time to cry as a real release, because of stress. And he felt SO much better after a good long cry.

Toddlers want things that other people have. Toddlers want to climb things that are dangerous. Toddlers don’t always get what they want and that’s stressful.

They really need moments to release this stress which is why it is so important to just let them cry. I know crying is uncomfortable, and it may seem like they are often crying over something that seems trivial. I know something inside just makes you want to stop them from crying as fast as possible. To show them something new or grab them and pick them up to distract them. However crying is a chance for our children to deal with big, and often new, emotions.

Sometimes when you change your mindset about something, you completely change how you react and feel about it as well. The moment we start thinking about toddlers as these little powerful beings who are just trying to figure out who they are, the more we see their crying and breakdowns as a release of the incredible stress they feel every day. We realize they are not trying to torture us as a parent, but are telling us things are too much and they don’t know how to deal with it right now. We realize our child is not bossy, they are just asserting their position because most of the time they can’t. We realize our child is not needy, they are just in a new place and maybe need some extra time with us before they are ready to go play.

Our job is not to try to ‘fix’ this but to accept that they really are new to this word and need us to be there for them. They need us to give them a safe and predictable daily routine, the freedom to be an energetic little human being, and sometimes just the space to let it all out when they need to.

So yea, your toddler is most likely stressed. But the most beautiful thing is no matter what happens, toddlers always get up and try again. They wake up the next day with a new perspective ready to tackle the world. They don’t hold grudges and they don’t take things personally. They cry and then move on. They live in the moment.

They are incredibly resourceful when it comes to listening to their bodies. They are in tune with what they need to be better again.  Maybe we need to learn a little something about stress management from them.