I wrote about the RIE approach to feeding my son, and since he was 7 months old this way of eating has really worked for both of us.

But now he is 13 months old, and he is eating more than ever. Sometimes I feel anxious that I can’t keep up with how much he can eat. I worry if he is getting enough veggies and carbs, if he has the right balance of protein and fruit. He also loves flavor, so I am constantly switching up the spices, being careful not to add too much salt to anything.

Some days, he eats a lot. He can eat 3 eggs in the morning, a bagel at lunch, and a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

Other days, he barely eats.

I make chicken flavored one way and he will eat the whole thing. I make chicken flavored another way and he seems to hate it.

It drives me crazy.

And it makes me nervous.

I know he needs to eat. He needs to eat so he can grow. He also needs the energy. So I get preoccupied with what he is taking in.

But its not supposed to be about what he is actually eating. Feeding times are a time to bond, and a time to teach him manners. I am supposed to be teaching my son how to eat.

Some days he takes the food, some days he does not. Who cares? He won’t starve. I give him plenty of opportunities throughout the day with breakfast, snack, lunch, and dinner. On top of all this, I am still breastfeeding a few times a day. So I know he won’t starve. Kids aren’t built like that anyway. If he is hungry he will eat or cry to let me know.

So why am I worrying so much? I need to trust him! RIE is about trust!

Today I made him scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato. He barely ate, spitting a lot of it out once it hit his tongue. I kept wondering why he was spitting it out. I kept taking more on my fork and trying to feed him directly.

Then I stopped myself, and remembered, it’s not the product that matters, it’s the process. I need to slow down…

So I scanned the situation.

Is he sitting down completely? Sometimes he squats, which should not be allowed because he can too easily pop up and leave with food in his hands or in his mouth. I made sure his butt was on the floor before he grabbed any food.

He is also now practicing using a spoon and fork. He just started taking them away from me one day, so I always give him his own set and let him practice using them on his own. I still have my utensil so I can offer him food directly.

But again, I need to remember this is a process. If I bring my fork toward him and he opens his mouth, he wants food. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. We can’t force someone to eat, just like we can’t force someone to sleep.

Sometimes he is working so hard on getting his own spoon in the bowl of yogurt, that he could care less about the spoon-full I am offering. And that should be ok. He is barely past 1 and is using his spoon! I should embrace this and encourage him in learning to use his utensils. After all, my job is to teach him to have manners at the table, right?

Of course that being said, the moment he starts swinging his fork back and forth trying to push food off the tray, I should stop him and say something like, “I will not let you do that, the fork is for eating not playing.” Because … manners.

I decided to write this because at my RIE class, we have begun doing snack time. It goes fairly similar to how I feed my son at home, but with 5 or 6 other toddlers and a lot more chaos. My son rarely sits down for snack. I can tell everything is just too stimulating for him. The toys are everywhere, there are kids all around doing their own thing. He will go to the table, and then a kid might crawl by holding something and my son gets instantly distracted.

So I asked my teacher if it was ok that he isn’t always participating in class even though at home feeding is going well. She told me, the purpose of class is to model how to feed this way. It is a parent guidance class after all. She was trying to show us how to approach giving our child food using trust and respect. The fact that Franky never eats in class means nothing. And then she continued to talk about process vs product.

So I guess I am mostly writing this as a reminder to myself.

I need to stop worrying so much about the product, about what my son actually gets in his mouth. I need to focus on the process, about how my son is learning to eat, manners and all.