The biggest takeaway from my second RIE class was the idea of slowing down. In order to have a trusting relationship and open communication with our babies, we really need to slow down to their level. Babies don’t process things as fast as we do.

Here is what happened in this week’s class. I really needed to go to the bathroom, so naturally I turned to the teacher and said “I need to go to the bathroom.” She looked at me and replied, “You shouldn’t be telling me, you should tell your son.”

Huh?!?

I came here with my son. We came together. If there was anyone who needed to know that I was about to leave the room, it was him. Duh!

Think about it like this, if you went somewhere with a friend, you wouldn’t just leave to the bathroom, you would tell your friend where you were going, right? Treating babies with respect, as whole people, means giving them the same courtesy. More so than adults, because babies and toddlers are driven by their emotions. Leaving can trigger intense feelings and should be acknowledged, not ignored.

My instructor told me to tell my son. She said to tell him first, without moving. To wait. Then to get up and go.

So I did. I told Franky “I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a few minutes ok?” and then got up and left. As I was next door in the bathroom, I could hear the distinct cry of my son. He was crying! I hurried back and saw he was definitely in distress. The teacher was talking to him saying “your mom left and you didn’t like that.” When she saw me she said “your mom is here now.” She told me to move close to where he was sitting, which I did. I picked him up and hugged him, without saying anything. After a few minutes he calmed down and went off to play.

But I had made a mistake.

My teacher pointed out that when telling my son I needed to go to the bathroom I ended my statement with “ok?” which is a very typical thing parents often do. We do this as if to soften our statement. But it’s not softening it, it is asking permission. As adults and as parents, we do not, should not, need the permission of our children to do self caring acts (like going to the bathroom).

And in the eyes of my son, of course it’s not ok! My son doesn’t want to be left alone.

Instead, I need to tell him I am going.

Period.

And then go.

Don’t stick around. Don’t say it 100 times. Don’t be all sad with your eyebrows down trying to empathize. You need to go to the bathroom, go! Your child will learn to respect that you need to take care of yourself, and will grow up respecting this idea of others.

RIE is not about avoiding our babies’ cries. It was ok that he cried! It is ok to set limits and for our kids to say, hey we don’t like that. Most parents often give in at this point because their baby is crying or whining. We just have to remind ourselves IT’S OK for baby to do these things

This is literally the only way that the baby can communicate. Since RIE is about open communication, it really should go both ways. The baby is not going to always like what you have to say, and will express their dislike for whatever you just set a limit for.

But here is the best part. You set some limit. Your baby cries (or not). And then, you both can move on. Because when babies and children have the space and support to let out their feelings, they are much more ready to move on. We don’t stop them from crying, we accept it the way I did in class when I simply held my son after returning from the bathroom without saying “you’re ok.”

The only thing you need to remember is to slow down. Babies are incredibly good listeners, but things need to marinate for a bit until they can truly process it.

• slow down while changing a diaper

  • this is not a time to rush
  • ask your baby for help and wait

• slow down while feeding

  • read your baby’s cues for hunger and for fullness
  • ensure safety, remember they are just learning how to eat

• slow down while playing

  • babies don’t get bored
  • really look at what they are interested in instead of assuming anything
  • your baby is playing with one toy, now is not the time to grab another toy to show him/her

• slow down if your baby seems distracted or isn’t paying attention

  • something fascinating might have caught his/her eye. It could be as simple as a reflection bouncing off a surface. Bend down, look where your baby is looking, and enjoy this moment.

• slow down when telling your baby something

  • want to get up and leave your child, say it first before getting up
  • better yet, say “in one minute I’m going to get up and go to the bathroom.” Then 1 min later, “I am going to get up now and go to the the bathroom. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Then go