Tag: aha moment

stop taking babies to the happiest place on earth

Desere

Last week I wrote about how relaxing RIE classes are.

You know what’s not relaxing? Disneyland…

I went to Disneyland the other day with a few friends, and without my son. I hadn’t been in about 6 or 7 years, so I was excited to go.

But it was horrible.

I’m not even talking about how extremely hot it was (94°) or how extremely crowded it was (park reached maximum capacity). Those things did not help my already wavering appreciation of this theme park.

But what made it horrible for me was seeing all the babies.

I saw babies dripping in sweat and every other stroller having fans attached to them. I saw children having melt downs throughout the day out of what was clearly pure exhaustion. I heard toddlers screaming at the baby center while being changed. I watched kids begging their parents to buy all sorts of toys and parents becoming angry over every request. I even saw kids passed out on the floor, all over the park. And there was crying… so much crying.

And I am sure if you have ever been to Disneyland, you have seen these things too.

Folks, please stop taking babies to Disneyland. I may not be a child specialist or have a PhD, but I have eyes and I am a mother. These babies and toddlers are NOT happy, and here is my interpretation of why this is so.

1. over-stimulation: 

The theme park has giant characters, lights all around, music and bands, noise from all directions, people everywhere, smells, rides.

Just listing it all out is making me feel overwhelmed. I can’t imagine my son, who  gets overwhelmed from too many people coming over, dealing with all of these things.

When I was there, I was going to the baby center constantly to pump. One of the times there I watched a mom holding a baby that looked to be about 8 months old. His eyes were bulging, and looking everywhere. I could see him simply attempting to take everything in. He was being moved quickly, and he was struggling to keep up.

And I felt for him.

2. loss of predictability

Babies crave predictability. This is a fact. Magda Gerber (founder of RIE) believed that predictability helps babies and toddlers feel secure.

The more predictable the daily routine is, the more stability we give our kids. This helps them eat and sleep when the time comes. This also helps them make sense of the ever changing world around them.

I really believe my job is to keep my son feeling safe. Over-stimulation is something that is not routine for him, which is unpredictable. In that type of environment he doesn’t learn or feel comfortable. And I feel like I’m failing my job. Not to mention I hate ‘bucketing’ him for more than a few hours.

After a full day at any theme park, I am whiped out. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I can’t imagine what a full day at Disneyland might do to my son’s equilabrium.

I believe my son is capable of handling a lot. But I know he has no way of handling everything that would be thrown at him at Disneyland, which brings me to my next point.

3. unreasonable expectations

It’s called the happiest place on earth for a reason, and I’m not writing this to deny any of those reasons. However expecting a baby or young toddler to take everything in and be as happy and excited as I am when I travel to to Disneyland is unreasonable.

Babies and toddlers aren’t coming here for their own pleasure, that is ridiculous. We take them for our pleasure. We take them for pictures with cartoon characters we adore. Worse yet, we take them as an afterthought because we are really taking our older children.

In her post Please Don’t Take The Children, Janet Lansbury explains her own understanding of child development and the dangers of projecting our adult point of view onto our infants and toddlers. “It sounds fun and stimulating to us, so it must be a good idea. It’s easy to make this misjudgment with pre-verbal children.”

She continues to point out that the stress, discomfort, and exhaustion may not harm babies. “But what these developmentally inappropriate activities are almost certain to do is waste a child’s time, time the child could be spending engaging in self-initiated learning adventures, creating and imagining, feeling content, secure and confident in familiar surroundings, socializing, free to move and explore, empowered by knowing the routine.”

And I think this is what bothered me the most. Seeing these young kids trapped.

Because children are explorers and need places where they are able to move around, experiment, run, and climb. Asking a toddler not to do these things is asking them not to breathe. But in a crowded theme park, our kids lose this safe place to play and explore. We fear for their safety. We yell if they run. We get frustrated when they don’t comply.

Why are we setting ourself up for failure?

But Des, this is the happiest place on earth! I know it is, and I too cannot wait to take my son here. I dream about the day I can bring him to enjoy the parade and the rides, to meet different characters. I just think there is an age limit to this ‘happiness’ and we need to be careful about what is being commercially marketed to us. And I can’t tell you what the age limit is because I think every kid is different and every kid might be able to handle this experience differently.

What I can do is pass along the test that Janet Lansbury recommends before deciding to take your child anywhere: 1) “Who is this for?” 2) “Are they really ready to actively participate in this experience, or would it be better to wait until they are a bit older?” 3) “Will this be more enriching than an afternoon dawdling in the backyard or a walk down the street?”

When you can answer these three questions authentically, then you will be making a decision in the best interest of your child.

So for me:

1) Disneyland is for me to let loose with my friends and go on rides

2) my son can’t walk yet so he is definitely too young to actively participate in anything at the park

3) watching my son spend a whole afternoon learning how to slide the screen door open, let himself outside, crawl around, come back inside, slide the screen closed, and repeat is enriching enough for the both of us

anticipation begets cooperation

Desere1 Comment

For the past two weeks or so, my son has been sick. Let me tell you, practicing respectful parenting with a sick baby is not easy!

The biggest struggle I have been having is wiping my son’s nose. He hates it! But there is not much I can do when he sneezes, I have to wipe him up. As I go near him with the tissue he immediately turns his head away. When I try to wipe he will whip his head back and forth and eventually whimper or scream for me to leave him alone.

This is when I realized, I am approaching him all wrong.

RIE has taught me a lot about slowing down. When we want our children to cooperate, it is important to remember they run at a much slower pace than we do. When we slow down, get down on their level, and speak to them with respect, this is often all they need to do what we ask.

Why on earth haven’t I been following my own advice the past two weeks!? Well, it’s because he is sick, and my husband is sick, and there is lack of sleep, and I forgot. I forgot that my goal is to trust and respect my son. always. I forgot that I should be treating him like a human, not an object. Who do you know that would want you to come up from behind and start wiping their nose for them?

So I did some research on one of the RIE Mom groups on Facebook, and found some advice for what to do. This morning, I tried it.

My son sneezed, and there was snot everywhere.

Not moving from my spot I said, “Franky, you sneezed and have a lot of snot, I am going to get a tissue.”

I got up and walked over to the tissue box. I grabbed one and sat back where I was originally sitting on the floor.

“I have a tissue now.” I waited until he saw me and came over out of interest. I let him touch the tissue.

“I need to wipe your nose with this tissue.”

More waiting.

“I am going to wipe you. 1 … 2 … 3 …” and I wiped his nose.

And you know what my son did. Nothing. He let me wipe his nose completely, he let me wipe his mouth and under his chin. He watched me throw the tissue away and then went back to playing with his toys.

Did the process maybe take longer than if I just attacked him with a tissue, maybe? But my son was not traumatized by the experience. I can’t believe I wasn’t doing this sooner!

At RIE class, my teacher often tells us “anticipation begets cooperation“. Allowing babies to anticipate our actions before we actually do anything, gives them the opportunity to cooperate. This is the difference between any care-giver and an educarer. (remember RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educarers). My teacher’s mentor, Magda Gerber, explains that “the care-giver may scoop up an infant unexpectedly from behind, thereby startling, interrupting and creating resistance in the infant, the educarer always tells the infant before she does anything with him or her and thus gains cooperation.”

So that’s it. The secret to getting babies to cooperate is often as simple as telling them what you plan on doing.

I explained in one of my posts how I change my son’s diaper. It is never an easy task, and what has helped me was getting my son as involved as possible, having him help me by lifting his legs and wiping. There are still, to this day, many times that this task is incredibly challenging. Before I am able to apply what I described in that post, he is struggling to even lay down. So I recently starting using my teachers advice with this as well.

When I suspect he needs a change, I let him know that I will be changing his diaper in a few minutes. After this time passes, I tell him I will pick him up to go change his diaper. As I carry him to his room I am telling him that we are going to his room to change his diaper. (as you probably noticed, I try to say the phrase ‘change your diaper’ as often as I can) Before setting him down I tell him, “I am about to put you on your changing table”. As I am lowering him, “I am putting you on the changing table now”. etc.

It may seem annoying to an outsider, but what I am trying to do is really convey the message to my son that which I am about to do to him. This gets him ready and he has become way more cooperative once I lay him all the way down.

Communication, that’s the key.

As I am meeting more moms and as my son is growing, I am realizing this approach to parenting really comes down to the #1 rule, respect. I want my son to know that I hear him, that I am with him, that we are a team. I am not doing things to him because he is not an object, he is a person. Of course, I need to change his diaper and feed him, but I want him to be part of the process. Therefore to remain respectful, I really can’t do anything without communication.

Does telling my son what I am going to do always work, no way! But when it does it makes me feel good knowing that I am truly respecting my child.

the rattle incident

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Once a week I go the library for baby story time with my son. This event takes place when the library is closed to the public, so only parents with babies are there. We sit on the carpet and the librarian reads 2 to 3 stories. We usually have the babies in our lap or they are laying or sitting on the floor near us. Other than the books, the librarian usually leads several songs that involve both baby and parent.

Some of the songs are the same week to week, others vary. Sometimes we sing about an elevator going up and down, and simultaneously we raise our babies up in the air and lower them back down. Sometimes we sing where is baby, and use a small piece of material to play peek a boo with our little one.

Often if a song involves a manipulative, the librarian will pass it out to each parent before sitting in front to lead the song. This week, she planned a “shake, shake, shake” song and therefore passed out rattles to everyone. I watched as moms received a rattle, placed it in their child’s hands, and shook them showing their baby what the maraca does. Moms with younger babies who were not sitting, would shake the rattle in front of their baby over and over.

Any other time in my life, I would not think twice about this scene. But since beginning to practice RIE, I didn’t feel right about taking the rattle and holding it in my son’s hands to shake along to the music. I didn’t feel right about showing him what the rattle does in general. Instead, I placed the maraca down on the floor near Franky, and waited.

The song began and I looked around at all the moms shaking their babies hands, singing proudly to the music. Some of the moms looked at me and I’ll be honest, I felt like I was being weird for not doing what everyone else was doing. At some point even the librarian looked over and her eyes seemed to ask why my son wasn’t participating. I muttered something like “oh he likes to do his own thing.” But I definitely began feeling awkward.

Was I in the wrong? Was waiting to let my son pick up the rattle out of his own interest and figure out what it does, not the way to go about this? It’s not like Franky wasn’t enjoying himself. He was sitting and clapping, smiling up at everyone. He was obviously enjoying the music and the environment.

I decided to stick to my gut. I was NOT going to pick the toy up.

The song seemed to be almost over, and then it happened. Frank picked up the rattle and tasted it. This is how he usually first explores a new object.

Then he moved it and realized it made noise! He looked up at me with so much excitement, swinging the rattle backwards and forwards. The song was over, but he was just getting started. I looked around as the music faded away and all the babies instantly dropped their rattles, probably because they never wanted it in their hands to begin with. My son sat there and swung that rattle, making beautiful music for several more minutes. 

This was his aha moment.

So what did I learn from this incident? I could give my son toys, show him how they work, and play with him in this manner all day long. But his interest will be superficial, because I am the one giving him the toy. Whereas if I step back, something more amazing may happen.

It may take longer for my child to gain interest in something, but when that is motivated from within, the interest is more genuine and lasting. 

changing table revolution

Desere2 Comments

Oh the struggle of the changing table.

There is no way any parent of a child has not faced this type of struggle at some point or another. For us, it happened when Frank was 7.5 months old. He HATED being on his back. He would immediately roll over and try to escape. So we did what most parents do, we tried distracting him with some toy so we could finish changing his diaper as fast as possible.

And this worked. Sort of. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Often  my son was crying and screaming. Until I found RIE. Aha! I was doing this all wrong…

First, the groundwork of RIE that are crucial to this change:

  • respect

  • trust

  • doing less so your child does more

  • giving 100% attention during care-taking activities

 

My baby is as deserving of respect and trust as anyone else in the world. During this time (and the other 4+ times that day when we are on the changing table) I need to treat my son with respect. This means I need to stop distracting him with a toy.

I remember moms preaching to me while I was pregnant, “distraction, distraction, distraction.” And distraction truly is a godsend as a new parent. Your baby is crying, distract with a song. Your baby is on the changing table, distract with a toy. Your baby doesn’t wan’t to eat, distract by moving the spoon like an airplane (bonus: make airplane sounds).  But this can easily become a slippery slope. Your kid is unhappy, distract with a funny face. Your kids are bothering you while you are out with friends, distract with a smartphone. This ‘tool’ has became an integral part of parenting in our society, and an easy fix to several situations. The unfortunate side effects of this, however, are that you are creating a dependency on entertainment, you are ignoring your child’s feelings, and you are signaling to your little one that they are passive beings with no rights or abilities.

Let’s back up a little and go back to the changing table. When you give your baby a toy so you can change their diaper in peace, and quickly, you are really doing them an dishonor. You are being deceptive, rather than respective. “I am going to trick you into not paying attention to me while I do things to your body.” Don’t underestimate your child’s intelligence! RIE is about honest communication. Rather than distract, honestly let your child know what is about to happen. Just as we let them know we are going to pick them up before scooping them off the ground, we also let them know we are going to change them before setting them on the changing table. It is not about lying to them, it is about including them.

If your child cries when you set them down, acknowledge these feelings. Again, we don’t give them a toy to ‘shut them up’. This shows we do not value their emotions. Instead say “I hear you, you are upset. Are you not ready to lay down on your back yet?” Letting my son know that I hear his cries and that I am trying to help, has really transformed my relationship with him. Sometimes I pick him up and wait. Other times I tell him that I hear him and that I am here, which is often all it takes for him to calm down. I wait  until he is calm before I start the diaper process. This way he feels secure in knowing that I hear him, but that I am not deterred from my parental duty.

This leads to the next part, trust. In order to truly include your baby in this activity, you need to trust in his/her ability. None of this will work if you don’t trust that your baby is capable of listening to your directions, and helping you through this task. Describe everything you are doing, and ask your baby for help. Keep asking, and keep asking. In time, your baby will start to do what you ask.

I used to open up my son’s diaper and grab his legs by the ankle to raise his butt. Isn’t this what all parents do? When I decided to try RIE on the changing table, I began with the idea of asking him to raise his legs. “I am opening up your diaper. Raise your legs so I can take the diaper off.” Then I waited. This felt so long, but I was determined. Finally my son raised his legs! Maybe he did it coincidentally. Maybe he had an itch. Maybe he wanted to see his toes. I don’t know! But he raised his legs and I said, “Thank you for raising your legs. I can now remove your diaper.” Regardless of why he did it, he is listening to the words I am saying as he is completing the action. With time, the connection gets made. This is how language gets formed, organically.

I let him know that I am wiping him to make sure he is clean. Then I tell him that I am going to slide the clean diaper under his butt. “When you are ready, put your legs down.” More waiting. A lot of waiting. Finally he puts his legs down. “Thank you for putting your legs down. Now I can close up your clean diaper. Can you feel my strapping it down?”

RIE is about doing less, so your child does more. Why put so much stress onto yourself during this time of the day? By doing less and letting my son do more during his diaper changes, I feel so much happier. I actually like changing his diaper now!

This brings me to the last point from above, giving 100% attention. Since RIE believes in child-led play, many might argue that there leaves no time during the day to love on your baby. My husband did at least. When we first began using RIE at home and my son would be playing, my husband would interrupt him with kisses, or try to play with him with a specific toy. When I tried to stop him, my husband would get angry with me, saying “this is my son and I can love him and kiss him and play with him when I want.” How could I truly argue? I too felt like I was losing ‘love’ time with my baby by becoming an observer most of the day.

But love shows up during other parts of the day, the care-taking parts. What better way to show someone you love them then when you take care of them? When you are changing a diaper or feeding your baby, those are the one-on-one moments. Those are the times to take in your baby’s wonderfulness, to see who they are, to talk to them and love on them.

Now this takes a lot of time, and patience. So much patience! I read an article about a father’s experience applying RIE to the changing table and he said, be ready to spend the whole day there. Just have that expectation going in, because sometimes you will have to wait. Once I accepted this, the waiting seemed to get shorter.

My husband is not as patient as I am. It took him a lot longer to accept this new style of diaper changes. He often told me that it wasn’t going to work. He also would tell my son a few times “put your legs down” before sometimes nudging them down himself. But now? My husband is the master of the changing table. After truly adopting this method and waiting more, my husband has so much fun with my son. I can hear them from the next room and even feel jealous of their bonding! How great is that? They get to bond during an activity most parents dread!

 

The latest thing I began trying was letting my son throw his diaper into the diaper genie. After the “punch your arms through the sleeve” and “kick your leg as I pull your pants on”, I pick up his diaper and move it toward the edge of the changing table where the diaper genie is. He get’s so excited and flips onto his stomach. At first I showed him how I opened the diaper genie and threw the diaper inside, then snapped the lid closed again. (narrating what I was doing, of course). Now I leave the diaper there and open the diaper genie, and wait. My son literally bounces up and down from joy. He picks up the diaper and leans over. I keep one hand on his back to make sure he is safe. He then throws the diaper into the diaper genie. I push it down. We close the lid together. I let him know we are all done and that I am going to pick him up. This is so much fun, you seriously need to try it.

What am I planning on trying next? Well my RIE teacher told us that one parent had her kid help open up his diaper and similarly tap on the straps of the new diaper to close it. I have not tried this yet, but this is my next goal. Sometimes Franky’s hands are on the diaper as I open it up, so I say “You feel your full diaper, I am going to open it now. Do you feel my pulling the straps open?” Soon he will take over this, and that’s one less thing I need to do!

Diaper changes… I like them… mic drop

 

first RIE class

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I have outlined my style of teaching.

I have talked about the mommy struggles.

I introduced RIE.

For a while, I thought I would keep trying things at home based on what I had read in articles I found online. But ultimately, reading ideas in theory is very different then seeing the application of those ideas in real life.

So I decided to enroll in a RIE class. Continue reading “first RIE class” →

the philosophy i’m tRIEying

Desere

In my last post I went on and on and on about how I struggled as a new mom. It all changed when I found something called RIE. As I try and explain my discovery and initial exposure to this new idea, please remember that:

I do not have a PhD in child development.

I do not have a PhD. period.

I am not trying to preach.

I am not RIE certified.

I do not claim to have all the answers.

Here we go…

RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educators. It is a philosophy of Continue reading “the philosophy i’m tRIEying” →