Tag: caretaking

when do children learn empathy?

Desere

We talk about empathy a lot in my RIE class. But I never witnessed this quality in my son. Until this week’s class.

At every class at least one mom takes the opportunity to leave her child and go to the restroom. My RIE teacher calls this our laboratory, a safe place to practice leaving our child knowing they will be supported and respected while we are gone. Not always, but many times the child left will cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child stops playing and watches.

I have watched as the child cries, another child begins to cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child crawls over and sits with the child until the parent comes back.

But my son never did any of these things.

My son always continues playing. There are times when he even starts giggling. Giggling, as in… he is so immersed in his play he is giggling over the crying.

Rarely he will glance over at the crying child.

But then this week… it happened.

A girl’s mom told her she was leaving. The girl began to cry. And my son instantly stopped playing.

I don’t know if it was because she was a girl. I don’t know if it was that he is now at the point in his life, with enough maturity, that he understands this type of suffering. But now, at just shy of 14 months of age, my son showed empathy. He kept walking over to the little girl, then backing away. He never took his eyes off her. There were moments when he made small noises, as if to match her cries? And then the mom came back and my son was pointing up at the mom as she walked through the door. It was as if he was saying “hey, she’s back, she’s back!”.  Perhaps signaling to the little girl?

But the girl was beyond the point of sadness because she couldn’t stop crying. She was unable to control her emotions, so the mama sat with her little girl on her lap.

I thought that this was it with my son, but it wasn’t. He kept checking in on them. He kept watching. The girl was still crying and Franky continued to feel for her.

At some point, my son went up to both mom and girl, and just barely, softly, touched the little girl’s hand. He then walked away. And the little girl stopped crying. She was watching Franky and soon enough was again ready to join him and the others.

It was just so beautiful and it was so sensitive.

My teacher has talked to us about how babies often cry when they hear crying because they have a sort of innate sense of empathy. But in the beginning this is just mimicking. At some point, it becomes more. Children really begin to understand that crying stems from a place of suffering, a place of sadness, that crying is not just noise. And this understanding establishes a true empathy within the child. Since this is a complex thing, it happens at a different stage for each child. And now, with careful observation and the perfect environment to allow such a situation to unfold, I believe my son achieved this quality.

Because of my background as a teacher, or maybe just my personality, I am always trying to learn more about RIE. I am particularly fascinated by what it looks like beyond the first two years. I ask my teacher and anyone I know who has raised their children with this philosophy, how does RIE look when our kids are teenagers? What sets RIE kids apart from non-RIE kids later on in life?

Well one of the things I often hear is compassion, because RIE is about relationship-based caring. RIE kids are just more compassionate. In preschool, elementary school, high school, and throughout their entire life.

I am not trying to say non-RIE kids can’t be compassionate. Of course some kids are and some kids aren’t. But this parenting philosophy allows kids the opportunity to develop compassion. It is because we let the kid cry and let the other kids see it. It is because we trust what kids are feeling to be real and authentic. It is because we create an environment that embraces emotion instead of stamping it out.

This is why RIE kids care more. They feel more. They are more.

And I think that such a beautiful thing!

leave them alone

Desere

Being a mom has taught me a lot about relationships. My relationship with my husband, my parents, and my friends changed, because I changed. And I expected this to happen because I knew being a mom would change everything.

But the one relationship I never really thought about before having my son, was the one I would have with him.

Over the past year I have been developing a relationship with him that was mostly based on his dependence on me. He depended on me for food and to maintain his sleep schedule. He depended on me for love and affection.

Furthermore adopting RIE into my parenting meant that I tried to base the relationship I have with my son on respect.

But now that Frank is one year old, I realized that it’s not enough for me to respect my son. I want a relationship based on mutual respect.

Well, what does a mutually respectful relationship look like with a one year old?

I think I show Franky respect when I give him space to play on his own (baby led play), when I tell him what I am going to do before I do it, when I ask for his help when changing his diaper, or when I think about his needs before taking him places.

I am teaching him to build respect for me when I leave him to shower, use the bathroom, or cook dinner. Because as a self-caring adult, I need to do these things during the day. And as a self respected mother, I refuse to give up these self caring acts, nor do I think I should have to.

And I really think leaving him briefly during the day to take care of myself, is teaching him to respect me and my needs.

So my advice for you to have this type of mutually respectful relationship with your baby or young toddler, is to leave them alone.

Don’t be with your baby or carry them around all day. In other words, attachment parenting is not recommended, it provides a false sense of presence. You will not be there by their side forever, that’s not how life works. Your child has the right to learn this.

Furthermore, your child has the right to learn how to be alone, that being alone for a few minutes is ok and that you will return (because you always do).

We build trust with our babies when we tell them “I will be back in a few minutes”, and then we actually come back. This idea takes time for babies to develop, of course. It relates to psychological development known as object permanence, I still exist even though you cannot see me. But there is no reason or harm in starting when they are little.

In fact there is countless research that shows as long as you are present with your child during the day, really present, there is no proof that they feel fear or abandonment when you are not there.

This brings me to my next point, sleep.

You cannot make someone sleep. You cannot make someone eat. You cannot make someone leave you to play with others. These actions require readiness, and your child will do them when they are ready.

Today in RIE class we talked a lot about sleep, specifically what happens when our child begins waking up during the night after months of being a great sleeper. What is triggering them to wake up? What is the respectful approach to handling them at that time?

We talked about different strategies on what to do. One mom recommended the happy sleeper method, and our teacher discussed the issues of using any one cookie-cutter method.

Babies wake up for all sorts of reasons, teething, a loud noise, stomach ache, hungry, over-tired, change in routine, developmental milestone, etc. We cannot treat every reason the same. We can, however, remember that we have needs as well. It is unreasonable to go in every hour, or for every cry. It is unreasonable to create crutches, tricks that our children rely on to fall back asleep (rocking, nursing, singing …) Remember, we deserve respect too. And no self-respected adult should go night after night losing sleep for no reason.

So instead we provide the timing and place for sleep. We provide a predictable routine. We acknowledge. And most importantly, we leave.

When it’s around 6:15 and I have completed the bedtime routine that I do every night, I tell my son that I’m going to place him in his crib and then lay him down. I tell him I love him, that I’ll be downstairs, and that when he wakes up I’ll be here. And I leave.

If during the night he cries for longer than a minute, I return and acknowledge. Remember, I am not a fan of the ‘cry it out method’. Instead I go in his room and say something like, “I see how hard this is for you, but this is resting time. I love you. I am going to go back outside.” I rub his back for a few minutes and sometimes even blow him a kiss as I leave.

I return because I love him.

I acknowledge because I respect him.

I leave because I respect him so much that I want him to learn how to sleep, and fall asleep, on his own.

My biggest weakness was nursing my son back to sleep. I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, because there were months (like when Frank started standing) where he would wake up twice or three times. After our pediatrician reaffirmed that at this age, they do not wake up because of hunger, I decided enough was enough. I am going to leave my baby alone.

And I think, actually I hope, that he is learning his body and how to put himself back to sleep without me. I hope that he also respects me for giving him the space to be able to figure this out on his own.

So whether you are struggling with your child’s sleep patterns, or simply needing time to get anything done during the day, my simple advice remains the same… leave them alone.

stop taking babies to the happiest place on earth

Desere

Last week I wrote about how relaxing RIE classes are.

You know what’s not relaxing? Disneyland…

I went to Disneyland the other day with a few friends, and without my son. I hadn’t been in about 6 or 7 years, so I was excited to go.

But it was horrible.

I’m not even talking about how extremely hot it was (94°) or how extremely crowded it was (park reached maximum capacity). Those things did not help my already wavering appreciation of this theme park.

But what made it horrible for me was seeing all the babies.

I saw babies dripping in sweat and every other stroller having fans attached to them. I saw children having melt downs throughout the day out of what was clearly pure exhaustion. I heard toddlers screaming at the baby center while being changed. I watched kids begging their parents to buy all sorts of toys and parents becoming angry over every request. I even saw kids passed out on the floor, all over the park. And there was crying… so much crying.

And I am sure if you have ever been to Disneyland, you have seen these things too.

Folks, please stop taking babies to Disneyland. I may not be a child specialist or have a PhD, but I have eyes and I am a mother. These babies and toddlers are NOT happy, and here is my interpretation of why this is so.

1. over-stimulation: 

The theme park has giant characters, lights all around, music and bands, noise from all directions, people everywhere, smells, rides.

Just listing it all out is making me feel overwhelmed. I can’t imagine my son, who  gets overwhelmed from too many people coming over, dealing with all of these things.

When I was there, I was going to the baby center constantly to pump. One of the times there I watched a mom holding a baby that looked to be about 8 months old. His eyes were bulging, and looking everywhere. I could see him simply attempting to take everything in. He was being moved quickly, and he was struggling to keep up.

And I felt for him.

2. loss of predictability

Babies crave predictability. This is a fact. Magda Gerber (founder of RIE) believed that predictability helps babies and toddlers feel secure.

The more predictable the daily routine is, the more stability we give our kids. This helps them eat and sleep when the time comes. This also helps them make sense of the ever changing world around them.

I really believe my job is to keep my son feeling safe. Over-stimulation is something that is not routine for him, which is unpredictable. In that type of environment he doesn’t learn or feel comfortable. And I feel like I’m failing my job. Not to mention I hate ‘bucketing’ him for more than a few hours.

After a full day at any theme park, I am whiped out. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I can’t imagine what a full day at Disneyland might do to my son’s equilabrium.

I believe my son is capable of handling a lot. But I know he has no way of handling everything that would be thrown at him at Disneyland, which brings me to my next point.

3. unreasonable expectations

It’s called the happiest place on earth for a reason, and I’m not writing this to deny any of those reasons. However expecting a baby or young toddler to take everything in and be as happy and excited as I am when I travel to to Disneyland is unreasonable.

Babies and toddlers aren’t coming here for their own pleasure, that is ridiculous. We take them for our pleasure. We take them for pictures with cartoon characters we adore. Worse yet, we take them as an afterthought because we are really taking our older children.

In her post Please Don’t Take The Children, Janet Lansbury explains her own understanding of child development and the dangers of projecting our adult point of view onto our infants and toddlers. “It sounds fun and stimulating to us, so it must be a good idea. It’s easy to make this misjudgment with pre-verbal children.”

She continues to point out that the stress, discomfort, and exhaustion may not harm babies. “But what these developmentally inappropriate activities are almost certain to do is waste a child’s time, time the child could be spending engaging in self-initiated learning adventures, creating and imagining, feeling content, secure and confident in familiar surroundings, socializing, free to move and explore, empowered by knowing the routine.”

And I think this is what bothered me the most. Seeing these young kids trapped.

Because children are explorers and need places where they are able to move around, experiment, run, and climb. Asking a toddler not to do these things is asking them not to breathe. But in a crowded theme park, our kids lose this safe place to play and explore. We fear for their safety. We yell if they run. We get frustrated when they don’t comply.

Why are we setting ourself up for failure?

But Des, this is the happiest place on earth! I know it is, and I too cannot wait to take my son here. I dream about the day I can bring him to enjoy the parade and the rides, to meet different characters. I just think there is an age limit to this ‘happiness’ and we need to be careful about what is being commercially marketed to us. And I can’t tell you what the age limit is because I think every kid is different and every kid might be able to handle this experience differently.

What I can do is pass along the test that Janet Lansbury recommends before deciding to take your child anywhere: 1) “Who is this for?” 2) “Are they really ready to actively participate in this experience, or would it be better to wait until they are a bit older?” 3) “Will this be more enriching than an afternoon dawdling in the backyard or a walk down the street?”

When you can answer these three questions authentically, then you will be making a decision in the best interest of your child.

So for me:

1) Disneyland is for me to let loose with my friends and go on rides

2) my son can’t walk yet so he is definitely too young to actively participate in anything at the park

3) watching my son spend a whole afternoon learning how to slide the screen door open, let himself outside, crawl around, come back inside, slide the screen closed, and repeat is enriching enough for the both of us

sometimes i don’t know if RIE will work

Desere

“I want to be transparent with you.”

This was something I used to tell my students when I taught high school. I used this line to start any conversation where I wanted to be open and honest with them. Maybe it was about the administration requiring me to do something I didn’t believe in, or the testing schedule was conflicting with the learning. Regardless, I believed in having open communication with my students. After all, I expected them to have open communication with each other and myself.

I first heard this line by my mentor, who also believed in being honest with his students. At first I wondered, why show such vulnerability? Wouldn’t students see this as a weakness? We are the teachers. They are students. Those are clear roles that have clear boundaries. We don’t need to justify anything to them. But my mentor made me realize this was not a form of weakness, it was a strength. It was a way to build the relationship, to build rapport.

So, readers, I want to be transparent with you.

In my last post, I wrote about an incident that happened with my mom and my son. After replaying this incident in my head, re-reading my post about it, and speaking with my mom several times about it, I found myself questioning this parenting philosophy I have chosen.

Honestly, this was not the first time I heard the little voice in my head wondering, is this the right way?

How do I know RIE will work? 

How do I know I am not creating emotional scars for my child? 

What if positive parenting is just a ‘trend’ right now?

What if in a few years several articles written by PhD so-and-so, and studies done by Ivy League what’s-it-called come out showing RIE is a bust? 

I know I am not the only mom that wonders if what I am doing on the daily is hurting or helping my child.

I am an over-thinker. And I am sensitive. Which means, I take most things to heart and I tend to over-think everything to the point of exhaustion. So when there is just a little bit of doubt about what I am doing, it gets amplified in my head.

But I didn’t choose RIE because it sounded nice at the time. I chose to follow this philosophy because it spoke to me, to who I am.

I chose RIE because it is a way of parenting, and a way of life, centered on the idea of respect. 

And that idea means the world to me.

But it is hard because it is different. I know I am going against the grain when I avoid screen time with my son, when I speak to him like an adult, when I ask if I can pick him up before doing so. I am aware of all these things. It is very different than what most people are used to. It is very different than how my parents raised me.

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Robert Frost was talking about when he said to take the road less traveled. And I hope it does make all the difference.

But the hardest part is not only that it is different, because it is. No, the hardest part is not offending anyone else’s parenting style knowing how different mine is to theirs. Because parenting is not black and white. Parenting is not even gray, it is a swirl of colors and ideas. Since every person is different, every style of parenting is different. And there is no right or wrong because what works for some might not work for others. As the worlds biggest ‘learn on the job’ type of job, it really depends on who you are and what you believe to be true.

My parents did not raise me using RIE. There were a lot of things they did that would be considered anti-RIE. But here’s the thing, I don’t ever for a second think about their parenting in a bad way.

When I was pregnant and reading left and right about babies and discipline, all I kept coming back to in my head was how incredible my parents handled everything. I put them up on a pedestal and decided I would use them as my guide because my parents instilled in us the characteristics I hope to see in my son one day.

And look, maybe they had no idea what they were doing at the time. But overall (and obviously I am super biased) I think they did a fantastic job.

Therefore, for me to choose this style of parenting that is so different, is not easy. As willing as my amazing mom is to learn with me and try everything I ask of her, I can see how hard it is for her to do things against what she is used to. Consequently, I am having a lot of difficulty sustaining my own passion for this philosophy.

I am questioning myself, because what if ‘respect’ is not enough. When my son is crying, my heart breaks. Of course I want him to stop because he is sad, which makes me sad. And I love him so much that I don’t ever want him to feel sad. But Magda Gerber, founder of RIE, once said “Many awful things have been done in the name of love, but nothing awful can be done in the name of respect.”

What is she referring to?

Well, let’s take the case of a child crying:

  • Showing them love is assuming that when children cry, they are sad. In order to stop feeling sad, they need to stop crying. So we make them stop.
  • Showing them respect is teaching our children how to sit with their uncomfortable feelings and work through them.

We cannot really limit how someone feels, regardless if that someone is an adult or child. It’s not up to us to decide how long someone else needs to cry to get the emotions out. The adult’s job who is nearby, ANY adult nearby, is to let the feelings be, for as long as they need to. RIE is about giving our children emotional freedom, because our children cannot regulate their emotions the way we as adults can. They learn to regulate emotions only through experience. So let them experience strong emotions. Let them experience processing those emotions. And let them experience what it feels like to come out the other side.

We are teaching emotional intelligence.

Ok all this sounds nice… but the fact still remains that this is just so different than what most parents do and believe. And I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know if my child will end up with more emotional intelligence than other children, or if following this style of parenting will give my son emotional scars. I don’t know if positive parenting will get my son to be more creative and hard working. I have no idea if openly communicating with him will give him a better vocabulary. Who knows if modeling respect will make him be respectful to himself and others.

Sometimes, I don’t know if RIE will work.

Maybe Robert Frost was wrong, maybe the road less traveled will not make all the difference.

But I started this blog because I wanted to share my experiences with you, the good and the bad. Maybe when I reach post # 29,583 we will laugh together about how silly and naive I was in the beginning… Maybe.

But a fellow RIE mom was giving advice to another mom who was having doubts about baby-led play and it really resonated. Here is what she wrote:

“It sounds like you are using RIE with a goal in mind. Try to let go of that. RIE kids are not more creative, or independent, or able, than any other kids. They are just more *themselves*. It is hard to let go when you just want the best for your son, but really trust him. He is doing what he needs to do. Try not to compare him to others. The only goal of RIE is really to have the tools to truly allow our kids to be who they are.“

Thank you fellow RIE mom, for reminding me of what RIE is really about and why I believe in it so much.

what do you do all week?

Desere1 Comment

Since becoming a new mom and an even newer stay at home mom, I’m constantly asked “what do you do all week?”

It’s a well meaning question, probably similar to asking “How are you?” or “How’s life going?”. But it doesn’t feel like that.

Honestly, it feels like an attack on me as a stay at home mom. It feels more like, “You are a stay at home mom so you better be doing stuff all week long”, “you can’t possibly be a stay at home mom and also just be staying at home every day”, or “You are busy enough to justify quitting your job, right?”.

Ok, maybe the people asking me this don’t really think all that. But I just really hate this question, “What do you do all week?”

Other than my insecurities as a stay at home mom, I believe the actual problem behind it is that new parents think they need to fill their week with activities to entertain their baby. And many do.

But I like being home most of the week. At home my son is comfortable and gets to have hours of baby-led play. At home my son is not put in and out of his carseat 100 times. At home my son eats on the floor. At home my son gets to nap in his crib.

I like staying home.

And of course, all of this is my prerogative as a mom.

But when people ask me “What do you do all week?” I find it very hard to answer honestly. I feel their pressure. I feel their judgment. I feel the stigma of the ‘stay at home mom’ and the societal pressure to constantly entertain our little ones. I just feel awkward and weird telling people that I don’t do much all week. So … I lie. I tell them that I do go to the library and play groups. I say I go to events with other moms like museums or gardens. Sometimes I just make stuff up because I don’t want people to judge me for actually just letting my son play most of the day while I watch.

I’m scared of others thinking that I am a lazy parent.

Am I?

Am I am truly lazy for wanting to be at home so that my son can just play? Babies learn about their world through play.

Am I lazy for not taking him to a class where the teacher leads all the babies to clap their hands and sing songs and move around? I want my son to have free exploration in his own way, which differs day to day. And that’s ok because babies do things in the moment, moment to moment.

So why do I need to have a week filled with activities?

As a high school teacher I encountered a lot of teenagers with overwhelming extra-curricular schedules. As teens, having well rounded lives is not a bad thing. But this over scheduling has now trickled down to kids, toddlers, and even babies.

Babies don’t need agendas. They just need a safe space to play and explore.

So instead of asking me what do I do all week, how about you ask me what my son does all week.

Because if you ask me what I do all week the answer will be the same, I don’t do much.

But if you ask me what my son does all week… he explores, he discovers, he feels, and he tastes.

He observes people outside and listens to different sounds coming through the window.

He bangs objects on other objects or slides them across the floor.

He is learning physics from rolling his ball across the room or throwing objects over the edge of the stairs.

He is learning positioning when he arranges his blocks in a certain way.

He is learning transporting when he picks up his toys and puts them in different sized containers or into his little truck.

He is learning transforming when he squishes the pieces of banana with his fingers.

These are just a few of the behavioral schemas I observe throughout the day. So no, I don’t do much all week. I simply stay home to allow my son to fully develop physically and cognitively through play. Yes, just whole spirited, uninhibited play.

changing table revolution

Desere2 Comments

Oh the struggle of the changing table.

There is no way any parent of a child has not faced this type of struggle at some point or another. For us, it happened when Frank was 7.5 months old. He HATED being on his back. He would immediately roll over and try to escape. So we did what most parents do, we tried distracting him with some toy so we could finish changing his diaper as fast as possible.

And this worked. Sort of. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Often  my son was crying and screaming. Until I found RIE. Aha! I was doing this all wrong…

First, the groundwork of RIE that are crucial to this change:

  • respect

  • trust

  • doing less so your child does more

  • giving 100% attention during care-taking activities

 

My baby is as deserving of respect and trust as anyone else in the world. During this time (and the other 4+ times that day when we are on the changing table) I need to treat my son with respect. This means I need to stop distracting him with a toy.

I remember moms preaching to me while I was pregnant, “distraction, distraction, distraction.” And distraction truly is a godsend as a new parent. Your baby is crying, distract with a song. Your baby is on the changing table, distract with a toy. Your baby doesn’t wan’t to eat, distract by moving the spoon like an airplane (bonus: make airplane sounds).  But this can easily become a slippery slope. Your kid is unhappy, distract with a funny face. Your kids are bothering you while you are out with friends, distract with a smartphone. This ‘tool’ has became an integral part of parenting in our society, and an easy fix to several situations. The unfortunate side effects of this, however, are that you are creating a dependency on entertainment, you are ignoring your child’s feelings, and you are signaling to your little one that they are passive beings with no rights or abilities.

Let’s back up a little and go back to the changing table. When you give your baby a toy so you can change their diaper in peace, and quickly, you are really doing them an dishonor. You are being deceptive, rather than respective. “I am going to trick you into not paying attention to me while I do things to your body.” Don’t underestimate your child’s intelligence! RIE is about honest communication. Rather than distract, honestly let your child know what is about to happen. Just as we let them know we are going to pick them up before scooping them off the ground, we also let them know we are going to change them before setting them on the changing table. It is not about lying to them, it is about including them.

If your child cries when you set them down, acknowledge these feelings. Again, we don’t give them a toy to ‘shut them up’. This shows we do not value their emotions. Instead say “I hear you, you are upset. Are you not ready to lay down on your back yet?” Letting my son know that I hear his cries and that I am trying to help, has really transformed my relationship with him. Sometimes I pick him up and wait. Other times I tell him that I hear him and that I am here, which is often all it takes for him to calm down. I wait  until he is calm before I start the diaper process. This way he feels secure in knowing that I hear him, but that I am not deterred from my parental duty.

This leads to the next part, trust. In order to truly include your baby in this activity, you need to trust in his/her ability. None of this will work if you don’t trust that your baby is capable of listening to your directions, and helping you through this task. Describe everything you are doing, and ask your baby for help. Keep asking, and keep asking. In time, your baby will start to do what you ask.

I used to open up my son’s diaper and grab his legs by the ankle to raise his butt. Isn’t this what all parents do? When I decided to try RIE on the changing table, I began with the idea of asking him to raise his legs. “I am opening up your diaper. Raise your legs so I can take the diaper off.” Then I waited. This felt so long, but I was determined. Finally my son raised his legs! Maybe he did it coincidentally. Maybe he had an itch. Maybe he wanted to see his toes. I don’t know! But he raised his legs and I said, “Thank you for raising your legs. I can now remove your diaper.” Regardless of why he did it, he is listening to the words I am saying as he is completing the action. With time, the connection gets made. This is how language gets formed, organically.

I let him know that I am wiping him to make sure he is clean. Then I tell him that I am going to slide the clean diaper under his butt. “When you are ready, put your legs down.” More waiting. A lot of waiting. Finally he puts his legs down. “Thank you for putting your legs down. Now I can close up your clean diaper. Can you feel my strapping it down?”

RIE is about doing less, so your child does more. Why put so much stress onto yourself during this time of the day? By doing less and letting my son do more during his diaper changes, I feel so much happier. I actually like changing his diaper now!

This brings me to the last point from above, giving 100% attention. Since RIE believes in child-led play, many might argue that there leaves no time during the day to love on your baby. My husband did at least. When we first began using RIE at home and my son would be playing, my husband would interrupt him with kisses, or try to play with him with a specific toy. When I tried to stop him, my husband would get angry with me, saying “this is my son and I can love him and kiss him and play with him when I want.” How could I truly argue? I too felt like I was losing ‘love’ time with my baby by becoming an observer most of the day.

But love shows up during other parts of the day, the care-taking parts. What better way to show someone you love them then when you take care of them? When you are changing a diaper or feeding your baby, those are the one-on-one moments. Those are the times to take in your baby’s wonderfulness, to see who they are, to talk to them and love on them.

Now this takes a lot of time, and patience. So much patience! I read an article about a father’s experience applying RIE to the changing table and he said, be ready to spend the whole day there. Just have that expectation going in, because sometimes you will have to wait. Once I accepted this, the waiting seemed to get shorter.

My husband is not as patient as I am. It took him a lot longer to accept this new style of diaper changes. He often told me that it wasn’t going to work. He also would tell my son a few times “put your legs down” before sometimes nudging them down himself. But now? My husband is the master of the changing table. After truly adopting this method and waiting more, my husband has so much fun with my son. I can hear them from the next room and even feel jealous of their bonding! How great is that? They get to bond during an activity most parents dread!

 

The latest thing I began trying was letting my son throw his diaper into the diaper genie. After the “punch your arms through the sleeve” and “kick your leg as I pull your pants on”, I pick up his diaper and move it toward the edge of the changing table where the diaper genie is. He get’s so excited and flips onto his stomach. At first I showed him how I opened the diaper genie and threw the diaper inside, then snapped the lid closed again. (narrating what I was doing, of course). Now I leave the diaper there and open the diaper genie, and wait. My son literally bounces up and down from joy. He picks up the diaper and leans over. I keep one hand on his back to make sure he is safe. He then throws the diaper into the diaper genie. I push it down. We close the lid together. I let him know we are all done and that I am going to pick him up. This is so much fun, you seriously need to try it.

What am I planning on trying next? Well my RIE teacher told us that one parent had her kid help open up his diaper and similarly tap on the straps of the new diaper to close it. I have not tried this yet, but this is my next goal. Sometimes Franky’s hands are on the diaper as I open it up, so I say “You feel your full diaper, I am going to open it now. Do you feel my pulling the straps open?” Soon he will take over this, and that’s one less thing I need to do!

Diaper changes… I like them… mic drop