Tag: communication

thankful for relationships

Desere

I follow RIE.

This is a respectful parenting philosophy that focuses on building a relationship with your child based on trust and respect. It’s about modeling instead of teaching. This means to raise someone who is respectful and authentic, I must model those characteristics myself. This philosophy is about treating kids like you would any adult you love and respect. And my husband and I love this philosophy because it really resonated with us, and we can see the effects of parenting this way is having on our 2 year old son.

But in practicing RIE we are not normal. This style of parenting is a minority.

I won’t force my kid to say please or thank you or sorry. If I make him say it, it’s not authentic. Instead these phrases get modeled when I say them naturally myself.

I won’t force my kid to hug you or kiss you. I am teaching my son to respect physical boundaries. To raise someone who respects another person’s “no’s” means as a child I must respect his own “no’s”. His body his choice.

I won’t distract my kid when he is crying. Feeling sad is ok, just like feeling happy and angry and scared is ok. Crying is the process of being unhurt. Tears release toxins from the body and oxytocin. When tears are not welcomed or stopped, this releases the stress hormone cortisol, and often leads to aggression because the suppressed emotion has to come out somewhere. (Aletha Soleter of Aware Parenting)

http://www.michellemorganart.com/

I won’t force my kid to eat. I provide the meal, with a few options that include veggies and meat and carbs. I set the rules about eating at the table and staying seated. The rest is up to my son. He eats what he he wants, as much as he wants from the options I laid out. I will not force feed him or use tricks like airplane-ing food into his mouth. His body his choice.

I won’t hold my kid’s hands when he climbs up the playground. If you want your child to learn spatial awareness, don’t help them do things they can’t do on their own. No one wants to get hurt. No child wants to fling themselves down the side of a play structure. But if they were always given a false sense of security when they learned to walk and climb, then they won’t realize the physical dangers of doing certain things.

I won’t show my kid how to play with something. I give my son open ended objects to play with, and let his creativity take it from there. This builds problem solving and independent play.

I wont try to fix how my kid plays with something. Even if it looks “wrong” to me, I won’t intervene. Is there even such thing as playing the wrong way?

I won’t intervene if my kid takes your kid’s toy. I won’t intervene if your kid takes my kid’s toy. Sharing is so overrated in this age of helicopter parenting. I’m sick of people saying they need to teach their kids how to share. Sharing is intrinsic. It will emerge when the child cares to share. At a young age, toy taking is simply exactly how kids play together. It’s the transference of toys. And when left on their own, kids rarely have a problem with this. When they do have a problem, they often can resolve it with little to no adult intervention.

I won’t ask my kid questions I already know the answer to. It’s demeaning to ask someone “Where are your eyes?” Or “Where is the blue triangle?” My son isn’t in school, and he didn’t learn English and Hebrew by me asking him to point to stuff or use flash cards to drill words into him. He learns words through life. He learns because we talk to him in our normal authentic voice.

But alas, these things make me odd in the parenting world. And that’s ok. I’ve made peace with being a minority because I love the person my son is becoming, and I love the type of serenity this parenting style has given me.

What makes RIE hard is that once you start it, you can’t unsee it.

This means once you see young children as fully capable people, worthy of respect, it’s very very hard to see how the rest of the world interacts with them.

But I can’t shelter my son. That’s simply unrealistic and doesn’t prepare him to forge his own life with his own relationships.

RIE is based on trust.

I need to trust in myself and the job I’m doing as a mother. I am raising my son with respect. A few disrespectful interactions with other people won’t “ruin” my son. Janet Lansbury likes to say parenting is about the steady diet not the occasional snack. What I do on the day to day basis is what will shape his character.

I need to trust my son. I need to trust that not only does he know the difference between the way different people treat him, but that he also is fully capable of self advocating. That a consequence of the way I treat him is that he WILL stand up for himself when he feels the need to.

That’s the key… it’s when HE feels the need to.

So many times I’m watching someone interact with my son, and I’m thinking why is my son just taking it? Why is he allowing this person to talk to him like that or force a hug on him when I know he doesn’t always want a hug? Why is he allowing this person to show him how to play a certain way when he normally likes to lead his own play time?

I want to step in so badly. But I don’t because my son doesn’t need rescuing. He isn’t in danger, he is with people he loves and who love him. If I did step in, I’m now making it about me, not my son.

I need to let him build his own relationships with people around him, in his own way. I need to trust him to do so.

I am thankful for RIE. This philosophy taught me to sit back and enjoy the person my child is becoming, to really see the beautiful relationships he has made and how much certain people mean to him. I am thankful he has such strong relationships with people around him. I am thankful for how much he enjoys people who behave differently than I do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

leaving your child for a few min

Desere1 Comment

I wrote my last post on the dangers of screens, and the questions I believe you should be asking yourself when you believe you cannot leave your child alone without a screen.

Then I decided to write down how I go about having some alone time throughout the day, whether it is for the bathroom or simply self care like drinking some tea by myself.

1. Set up a space that is safe for your child to be left in alone. I call this “the safe zone.” But most of the RIE community refers to this as a “yes space” because it is a space your child has no “no’s”, a space they can play in however they like. Use a play pen. Use gates at the door. Locking your child in is not cruel, it is necessary. Children CRAVE boundaries, both emotional and physical boundaries. Giving them too much space, too many toys, too much power is overwhelming. And that overwhelming feeling is what causes them to act out. Less toys, and open ended toys,  will allow your child to play for longer periods of time. To see my son’s safe zone, see the featured image at the top of this post.

2. Give Warnings. Tell your child what you are going to do before doing it. Don’t get up. Don’t move. Get your child’s attention and speak to them like an adult. I like to give two warnings before I actually leave. “In a few minutes I am going to go eat my breakfast.” Then “In one minute I’m going to go eat.”

3. Tell your child you are leaving and when you will be back. “I am now going to go eat breakfast. I will come back in a few minutes.” Again do this before moving and make sure you have your child’s attention. I have personally made the mistake of saying this too fast and leaving before making sure my son was looking and paying attention to my words because he was so engrossed in his play. Then when I left he freaked out, he never really heard me and I was too focused on leaving to realize that.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE feelings. Your child might not even bat an eye when you leave. Your child might cry hysterically. Either way, acknowledge it and go. “You really don’t want me to leave right now. I hear you. I am going to eat because I am really hungry, but I will come back in a few minutes.” Doing this means you BOTH can move on. Your child feels heard and can therefore (maybe not right away) emotionally move on. And you can physically move on to whatever you need to do.

5. Come back. This is where the trust gets built. You said you were leaving, and that you will be back in a few minutes. Then you came back in a few minutes. Therefore your child learns your words carry value. Next time when you say you will be back your child will hear that and remember it is true. Again, this does not mean they won’t protest. But that is their right.

6. Don’t act like the savior. When you get back, and this is important, don’t act like you are back to save the day. If your child cried the entire time you were gone (which will happen sometimes), when you get back simply sit down, give a hug, and say “You really didn’t like that I left. I am back now.” And let him/her release whatever emotions are still left. Just sit there. You don’t need to scoop up your child when you get back and act like “HERE I AM!”. You don’t need to be the savior that came back to fix your child’s crying.

Lastly, these things take time. Building a relationship with your child, with anyone, takes time. No real relationship can be forged in one day. So follow my steps, don’t back down, don’t give up, and be patient. Some days it will be better. Some days it won’t.

My son is a little past 2 years old and still, some days he cries and protests for me to stay in his safe zone. I acknowledge but I still go. Because I am teaching him that I am also worthy of respect, and that I need to take care of myself too. I am modeling how certain things are a priority so that he grows up knowing he is also worthy of respect and self care.

You don’t need a screen to be there for your child when you aren’t. Trust me, your child can be left alone as long as you set him up for success.

I hope you know I fully support you and believe you can do it. This is not easy. But parenting is not easy and should not be easy. It is easy to use the screen. It is not easy to listen to your child cry for 10 minutes while you are in the bathroom, or cry for 30 minutes while you cook dinner.

None of RIE is easy. But it’s worth it. Work hard now so that you have an easier time later. Put in the effort now to acknowledge feelings now so that you raise an adult who is emotionally intelligent. Give your child the tools now to be alone so that they grow to be resilient and self-sufficient. Give your child passive toys like blocks and bowls now and baskets and balls so that they can build up their attention span and problem solve.

Also being able to leave my son has been INVALUABLE since having my second son a couple months ago.

You can do this… and let me know how I can help!

technology and RIE

Desere3 Comments

Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).

self advocating

Desere

One of the biggest things I tried to teach my students when teaching high school was to self advocate. If you need help, get it. If you have a question, ask it. If you have an idea, share it. I used to tell them to take ownership of their education. Being transparent, I told them, there are 30 of you and one of me, so make your voice heard.

I believe self advocacy skills are incredibly important. As a mom, I want my children to be able to articulate their needs and learn how to make decisions about their own life.

The thing is, as their primary caretaker it is my job to advocate on behalf of my children right now, and that is really hard.

This parenting philosophy that I follow, RIE, is different. And because it is different I often find myself in situations with other moms and other families where I need to advocate for what I believe is best for my son.

I was at the park and my friend put her daughter, same age as my son, in the toddler swing. Franky walked over and was watching his friend being swung. He touched the other toddler swing. The mom told me to put Franky in as well. So I explained that I don’t put Franky into places he can’t get into himself. But this mom persisted on telling me that my son is obviously asking to get in the swing. I knew what felt right in my heart, but standing up to this mom was tough.

Bending down and acknowledging my son while he whined about the swing, letting him know that I hear him, telling him he can continue playing with the swing the way he was, all while the mom was watching me… was all so tough.

Some may argue to just put him on the swing but I really don’t believe in doing that. I believe in giving my child the opportunity to learn physical awareness and he does that by testing his own limits on what he can and cannot do. Ever since he was little, I never put him into positions he cannot get into himself. This way, he is never in a position he cannot get out of himself. This is a strong aspect of RIE and I believe in it. So I held out.

But did I mention how hard it was?

Now, anyone who knows me knows I am a pretty outspoken person. Yet when it comes to parenting, I don’t always feel outspoken about my beliefs. With parenting, everyone and anyone has an opinion. And moms so often feel judged because no matter what we do or believe in, someone has something to say about it.

And I think that’s what makes my self-advocating, as a mother, really difficult.

The other day we were at a family’s house. The parents began telling us about a new video game they bought that was really fun for adults and kids. They got so excited telling us about it they decided to show us. So they turned on the TV and began playing.

I never mentioned this on my blog before but I believe in screen-free parenting. 100% screen free. Franky has obviously seen the tv when out and about, but at home we never have it on. So when that giant screen went on, my son stopped playing and became a zombie in front of it. Now maybe if he did that for a minute or so and then continued playing, I would have let it go. But my son just stood there transfixed, and I really didn’t want our time with this family to be spent with my son glued to this new and fascinating thing.

I knew I had to say something but I was so nervous. Several adults and kids were playing the video game. Everyone was having a good time. I knew that by saying something I was going to kill the vibe….

I pulled the mom aside and began to explain. I was trying to put a lot of effort into my words, because I didn’t want to come off as judging her for her choices. I just wanted my voice heard. So literally feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, I stumbled out the words that we don’t do any screens with Franky. I told her if they can turn the TV off I would be greatly appreciative.

Now, of course this mom completely understood and turned the tv off. But it was so awkward. And why?

Why was it so awkward and hard for me to advocate for my views. I mean, isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to stand up for our kids, all the time!? But how do we stand up to other moms who are also struggling to figure out what they are doing on the day to day?

I am still struggling to understand where my insecurities come from. These are the things that truly make parenthood so hard.

And above all else, the hardest part is knowing that I am the biggest model for my son. If I want him to grow up standing up for what he wants and needs, he needs to see me doing the same. So in light of the new year and people talking about their resolutions, here is mine:

I hope to continue and stand up for my son, for whatever I feel is best for him.

I hope for the strength to advocate for what I believe is right, even if no one in the room agrees. 

I have seen the outcomes of my choices. I have seen the result of screen free and respectful parenting. I believe in what I am doing…

So I guess, in a way, writing about my parenting style is my own way of self advocating.

what you say and how you say it

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When your child does something ‘bad’, how do you react? What do you say?

The power of our words is huge when we believe in a respectful relationship built on communication. But it is not only what we say but how we say it.

Depending on the words we use and our tone, we can either be punitive in the way we interact with our little ones, or instructive. Considering these people are still learning who they are and how to be in the world, being instructive will go a lot farther.

For example, using the phrase ‘thank you’ can change the dialogue when you feel like your child is really testing you. 

Thank you for letting me know you really want that. You cannot have that because…

Thank you for letting me know this is too much for you to do, I am going to pick you up now…

Thank you for letting me know you need my help right now.

Thank you for showing me how you feel. I understand. 

Using this phrase, we instantly change our mindset. Instead of thinking ‘what are you doing!?’ or getting angry that our child isn’t listening, we take their actions as a call for help. We take their behavior as a signal that they do need us. Saying a phrase like something above is more of a reminder to us, the adult, that our child is telling us something. They are not trying to be bad just because.

This phrase, thank you, can also be used at the end of our own sentences instead of ‘ok’. This is something my husband and I struggle with a lot with. We will often tell our son, “I am going upstairs to flip the laundry, ok?” But why am I adding the ‘ok’? Am I really asking my son’s permission? Of course not. I am going upstairs. That is definitive. I am simply letting him know so he doesn’t worry about where I am and knows I am coming back.

Simply stopping to say the last ok is tough to do. So sometimes instead we can say thank you. It’s a temporary fix for our mind which still wants to add that last phrase. “I am going to the bathroom, thank you.”

Our word choices mean also giving options rather than demands. I described the idea of indirect commands here. Saying something as easy as

“Can you move by yourself or do you need my help?”

Either way, the child has to move. There is no option to opt-out. However instead of demanding “move out of the way!”, we are providing the choice. We can go further by first stating what we observe:

“Someone is at the door and wants to open it, you are sitting next to the door.”

Pause… this may be enough for your child to move. Wait and see. Children are incredibly logical thinkers. Give them a chance. And if not, no biggie, no reason to increase our volume or get angry. Just continue with “Can you move out of the way yourself or do you need my help?”

Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect and it’s very easy for adults to disrespect and disempower children. It is easy to disempower them by not acknowledging their needs. But our phrasing can fix this. 

A child is hitting. We do not ignore this. We say, “You really need to hit. Thank you for letting me know. I cannot let you hit another person, I have to keep everyone safe. Here is a doll (hand them a doll) that you can hit.”

The point is that we are not disempowering the need the kid has. We are not punishing the kid for having this impulse. We are instructing them how to safely carry out this impulse. We are taking their action as a sign for help, not a symptom of the terrible twos.

If you constantly disempower kids, they will find another way to seek out this power. This is why people label toddlers as ‘terrible’. They are constantly seeking out the power that is constantly taken away from them. This is why redirection and acknowledgment is key. We are not reinforcing the behavior. Our words are clear. It is just how we say it that makes the difference in the parent-child relationship. 

don’t talk about me

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How often do you find yourself standing in a group of people and you begin talking negatively about someone standing in that group? 

Probably never… because that would be so incredibly rude. Right?

But if we don’t do that to other adults why is it ok to do it to our children? People won’t even talk about strangers rudely in front of them, but so often treat their own flesh and blood with such disrespect.

If you are still unsure what I’m getting at, let me describe what happened to me a while ago at the park.

I was sitting with another mom whose daughter is 3.5 years old. Our kids were playing in the sand, maybe 4 feet away from where we were sitting. We talked about this and that, until the mom began telling me about her daughter’s temper tantrums and how uncontrollable she is during these times.

So I did what you would have done. I nodded and let her talk. It felt weird that she was describing her daughter in such a negative light while her daughter was so close to us, but I figured this mom just needed to vent a little.

The problem was the mom kept going. She really got into the details of this girl’s meltdowns. So much so that she then stood up and began demonstrating what the girl’s face looks like and how she walks when she is angry. This grown woman was stomping up and down the sidewalk between where I was sitting and where our two children were playing, hands in the air. I mean writing it down right now seems so ridiculous.

But the part that breaks my heart, is when I looked at her daughter, she had stopped playing and was watching her mother.

And you know what? This happens ALL the time!

I am always at the park or a playdate, listening to mothers talking rudely about their children who are often standing right by our legs.

This behavior is not ok.

Our children are in fact always watching and always listening to us. They are learning about life from us. This is easy to forget, because they are so small. It is easy to take advantage of them because they rely on us for so much. But these are human beings and speaking about them negatively in front of them is rude.

So what to do if you find yourself in situations like the one I described above that make you very uncomfortable. What to do when you hear someone disrespecting a child like this?

1. Draw attention to the child’s presence

I was uncomfortable in the above story but did nothing. When I relayed the entire story about the mom modeling her daughter’s temper tantrums to my RIE teacher, she suggested helping the parent become aware of the child’s presence.

For example, when the mom started talking about her daughter and I saw the daughter looking over, I could have said directly to the daughter “S you hear your mommy talking about you” or “S, your mama is telling me about what happened when you were at the store.”

Sometimes, people just forget.

Sometimes when you are home all day, every day, with your children, you crave adult interaction so much that when you get to the park and have another listening ear you unload everything and anything. I get that.

So simply redirecting the focus on the child by including them somehow in the conversation, can help the parent realize that the child is right there, and they are listening.

I try to do this whenever my husband gets home and I begin talking his ear off about every detail that happened that day with our son. I see Frank is listening because he hears his name, so I turn to him and include him. “Franky, I am telling your daddy about how today you climbed the big tower … how you played well with so and so … how you got upset when the other boy took the truck … etc.”

It takes time, and getting used to, but rephrasing things like this helps me focus on my son’s presence.

2. Have a conversation with your child

My RIE teacher also asked me if my son noticed the mom ridiculing her daughter. She told me that talking about what happened when we got home would be incredibly valuable.

Something along the lines of “Today at the park you noticed that mama talking about her daughter. That was not very respectful and it made me uncomfortable. I saw you looking up and I wonder if it made you uncomfortable too.”

My son is only 1.5 years old, so that is where that type of conversation would end. Maybe when he is more verbal, he will be the one starting conversations like this with me when we get home. But at least I know that I have expressed to my son that I was uncomfortable with what happened. After all, I am modeling the person I want him to be. So that brings me to my last point…

3. Choose to model respect

Our kids watch us and copy us because we are their idea of what the world is like. We model relationship and communication. When my son is watching me, I want him to see that I treat people around me with respect. But I can only hope he understands this by also treating him with respect as well.

Choose to be the best person you can be for your children. Choose not to talk about them rudely in front of them. Choose to be brave enough to stand up to this type of disrespect in the moment.

My teacher often reminds us that “Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect.” And frankly, so should we as adults.

indirect commands

Desere

A child climbs on a chair.

The mom runs over.

“No! Get off the chair.”

The child smiles.

A power struggle ensues.

The parent has a want. In the above example, the want is for the child to get down from the chair. And it may seem obvious to simply and matter of factly state that want to your child. But a command like this “get off the chair” along with our demeanor and volume can send so many messages to our child.

Remember, toddlers are stressed because their daily life is filled with wants they cannot pursue. When we behave like this they aren’t getting the real message. And the real message is simple. You are up high and it is unsafe. I feel uncomfortable and would like for you to get down.

Then why not just say so.

This is the difference between a direct command and an indirect command.

Direct command:

Get off the chair.

Indirect command:

I see you are up on the chair. You are very high. That is unsafe and I cannot let you climb that high. Can you get down yourself or do you need help?

Both convey the ultimate goal of getting the child down. But a direct command does not always work. Direct commands may succeed out of fear, and maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you want to show your child who is really in control. But when an adult yells or gets angry at a child, the child often smiles or laughs, which only makes the adult more mad. Children think it is funny when they get a reaction out of adults. They will probably do whatever they can to get another one. So the adult continues to get angry eventually grabbing the child and swinging them down.

What did all this accomplish?

Does the child now understand why they were told to get down?

Will they stop next time before climbing and think about whether they should continue?

The answer is no. They have no idea why mom (or dad or whoever) got so upset and why they were angrily picked up and swung down. If anything, this is fuel to do it again to get an understanding of why they are getting such a reaction from the adults around them.

Children are so new. We forget to really put ourselves in their shoes sometimes. They are learning EVERYTHING about how this world works and where they fit in. Something big like this happens and they instantly have so many unanswered questions. So the next day when they are back on that chair, they aren’t trying to piss us off, they are trying to understand.

If instead we really try to treat our children with the same respect we show adults, we would never think to act this way. We would say the truth, that we are concerned and that it is unsafe. We would see if the child can get down by themselves, which if they got up then they most certainly should be able to get back down. We help by guiding them down if needed. This could be holding their hand or placing a hand on their chest so they feel your presence. It could even be as simple as being close and telling them where to put their feet next.

The next step would be to stay close and block this action from happening again. Simply blocking and saying “that is unsafe I will not let you climb up there again.”

Ideally, they have a yes space in the home where they are safe to do whatever they want. Any unsafe things like chairs or whatnot are not in this space or are gated off.

The next step is to take your child’s behavior as a message. My kid really wants to climb. He is not trying to piss me off or hurt himself, he just wants to climb. Kids are just that… kids. They have biological needs. They are tiny but have oh so much energy. So yes, they really do need to climb and run and jump, daily!

The real question is, as my child’s caretaker, how can I safely address this need?

My teacher last week told us about a book she read recently on relationships. The book was about the research done by the Gottman Institute on reflective relationships and giving advice. The research found that before anyone should give advice to another person, they need to first truly put themselves in that person’s shoes. You need to understand where they are coming from, completely, before you can offer your opinion. This type of reflective relationship can be done by listening and acknowledging how a person is feeling first. I have talked about this idea a lot.

In respectful parenting this idea of first acknowledging our child’s wants and feelings is huge. Ultimately we are not dictators to our little ones. It is easy to forget this because they are so small and rely on us for so much. But because we are building a bond based on trust and respect, we do not force them to do things or make them do things. We give our advice, and hope through trust and respect that our children respond.

But they will only respond once they feel like someone understands them, someone is on their side. When they are not victimized or penalized for being… well for being a child who is new to our world.

You want to climb. You need to climb. I cannot let you climb on this chair because it is unsafe. The floor is very hard. Let’s go find somewhere safe for you to climb.

you really want to

Desere

My son is throwing things. Everything.

At just beyond 15 months old he is entering a serious limit testing stage. He knows I am not ok with him throwing, yet everyday he throws things again and again.

So the issue is, how do I handle this?

In my RIE class if anyone starts to throw, the teacher says “You are throwing this (cup, bowl, ring, etc.) but it is hard and unsafe to throw. You can throw a ball.” If the kid keeps trying, the teacher usually gets up, gets a ball and brings it to the kid and says again “I will not let you throw.” She blocks his hand from throwing the object. She holds out the ball and tells the kid “this ball is safe to throw.” Often enough, the kid takes the ball and throws it.

Ok, easy enough to start doing at home. So I did, and it kind of works. I tell my son that whatever object he is holding is unsafe to throw and that I will not let him. He usually continues to try to throw it despite my hand blocking him, and he sometimes succeeds. I’m sure if I grabbed his wrist or yanked the object away from him I would be more successful, but that is not in line with respectful parenting. There should never be a moment you stop violence with violence. And yanking a kid’s wrist, no matter how “softly” you try to do it, is violent. The most respectful but impactful thing is to place your hand in the way and block.

That is, hand is flat, hand is up, and you are blocking whatever action you are trying to stop. Kind of like blocking in basketball…

 

I’ll admit, I get really bothered by him throwing things. I try to stay calm and be consistent as I hold the limit. But I can feel myself getting angry and hot inside. I keep reminding myself that he is just learning who he is. He is testing his power, he is growing every day so much. He has all this new energy all the time and is trying to figure out what to do with it. He isn’t purposefully and maliciously throwing objects around.

He isn’t trying to make me angry. He just really wants to throw. And I think that is the piece I am missing when redirecting him at home. His want.

Coincidently (or not) we talked more about this in this week’s class. You see, it is not enough to tell my son that I won’t let him throw the object because it is unsafe. I need to acknowledge his need.

“You really want to throw right now.”

“You really need to throw right now.”

“I can’t let you throw because it is unsafe, because it is heavy.”

“I won’t let you hurt anyone.”

My teacher calls this, the meeting of the minds. First, I acknowledge that you really want to throw that. Then I let you know that I really don’t want you to throw that. He has a want that I am acknowledging, and I have a want that I hope he acknowledges as well. Meeting halfway.

As adults we know that every relationship is a two-way street. The same goes with our toddlers. This is not a totalitarian regime. I am not his all-mighty dictator. I am building a respectful and strong relationship. I am using trust and communication to teach my son how to navigate this new world of his. I am speaking with authentic words because I believe in the power of words. I am modeling non-aggression with non-aggression.

Is it easy? No way.

I often have to sit close to him so that I can keep blocking him from throwing unsafe objects.

And he is still throwing stuff. Every. Single. Day.

But that’s ok. He is a kid. He is a unique person who is learning who he is and what his place is. My job is to hold limits with confidence because that’s what he needs, a confident care-taker who is keeping him safe.

Respectful parenting isn’t permissive parenting. My son is not getting away with things because I want to be a ‘respectful nice mom’. The difference between this type of parenting style is that I am first accepting his behavior for what it is. I am not trying to shame him or punish him. I am not trying to teach him something beyond his cognitive abilities. He is throwing objects. That’s the fact. There are some things that are ok to throw and some things that aren’t.

My job is to continue to acknowledge his wants and needs, while redirecting him so he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else.

And yes… the struggle is real.

power of our words

Desere

Last week my son kept waking up in the middle of the night. He is getting some molars so this is expected. Nevertheless several months ago I told myself I would stop breastfeeding him in the middle of the night because it became too much of a habit for him. He expected it whenever he woke up. He was dependent on it to fall back asleep. Now any time he wakes up I go to his room and try to get him back to sleep. I offer him his water which is always in his crib at night. I try to calm him down without picking him up. All this usually works… eventually.

Anyway the other night, my son is up and crying. I go to him and whisper “I am here, I love you, I hear you.” Then I wait. I pat his back and wait for about 10 minutes until he lays down again. I wait until he is sucking his thumb and his eyes seem heavy. Then I whisper “Laila tov” (good night) and leave.

I close the door and walk a few steps down the hall…

He is up crying again.

Sometimes I see if this is just a few seconds worth of crying, whereas I won’t go back in. But this continued on for a few minutes so again, I went in.

“I love you. I hear you.” Pat the back. Lay down. Calm. “Laila Tov.” Leave.

Crying…

Ok it’s happening again. Maybe he needs a diaper change.

So for the third time that night I walked back in. “I hear you Franky, I am going to check your diaper.” Nothing there. That’s when I realized, in my exhausted state, that maybe I’m not saying the right words. But I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed.

That’s it! Just be authentic.

“Franky I love you. I am going back to my bed to sleep and you are going to sleep here in your bed. Laila Tov.” I didn’t wait until he laid down and was about to fall asleep. No. I spoke the truth, I said what I wanted to do and what I had hoped for him to do. I turned around and left. I went back to bed.

And so did he.

Could it have been coincidence or was it really magic? Did he need to hear where I was going to be when I left the room or was it just third-time-is-a-charm syndrome? Was he simply exhausted from crying for the third time? I have no idea! I am kind of hoping it was because of my words…

Well the next night, sure enough, in middle of the night he woke up crying. Here is the opportunity to see if my words mean anything. 

So this time, the first time going in, I whispered “Franky I hear you. I’m going back to my room to sleep and you are going to sleep here. Laila tov.”

And that was it. He went back down until the morning. (so did I!!! yay)

This happened a few more times this week. Every time I said the same honest sentence, with confidence. Every time he listened to me and went back down for the rest of the night.

Could it have been coincidence each time? Who knows? No one can truly know exactly what was going on in my son’s head. I choose to believe in the power of words.

And it isn’t just that I was speaking words, it’s that I was speaking them honestly. During the day my husband is sometimes in awe of how I ask my son to do things and he listens to me. That’s because when I talk to him I do so with the confidence that he is listening.. and then he does.

Yet people still think babies or young children can’t hear our words. People think that when my son lifts his legs up for me to change his diaper, or throws his napkin away after eating, or stands aside when someone is opening the gate, that it is all just luck. I got lucky with a ‘good’ baby. You know parents that practice respectful parenting hear that a lot… hmm…

But maybe, just maybe, treating your child with respect means communicating with them authentically and trusting them to listen. We all know communication is key to any healthy relationship. So it only makes sense if you want this type of relationship with your child, and better yet if you want your child to develop healthy and respectful relationships with others, all you have to do is talk to them.

Tell them what you are going to do before doing it. Talk them through changing their diaper so they can participate. Ask them to decide which foot to put through the pajamas first. Tell them why you are stopping them from doing something. Ask them to participate in their own life. Just talk to them. 

People, no matter how young their age, are still people. When you do things to them without saying something, without asking for participation, you are simply objectifying them. And this is what I see all the time. Parents objectifying their kids because they don’t believe their kids are worth being spoken to with respect. “Oh she is just a baby, she’s fine.”

The thing about respectful parenting is remembering that the thing we teach our children the most, is ourself. So be your most authentic self. Speak honestly. Treat with respect. Trust. This is what you are teaching your child to do. This is who you are teaching your child to be.

when do children learn empathy?

Desere

We talk about empathy a lot in my RIE class. But I never witnessed this quality in my son. Until this week’s class.

At every class at least one mom takes the opportunity to leave her child and go to the restroom. My RIE teacher calls this our laboratory, a safe place to practice leaving our child knowing they will be supported and respected while we are gone. Not always, but many times the child left will cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child stops playing and watches.

I have watched as the child cries, another child begins to cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child crawls over and sits with the child until the parent comes back.

But my son never did any of these things.

My son always continues playing. There are times when he even starts giggling. Giggling, as in… he is so immersed in his play he is giggling over the crying.

Rarely he will glance over at the crying child.

But then this week… it happened.

A girl’s mom told her she was leaving. The girl began to cry. And my son instantly stopped playing.

I don’t know if it was because she was a girl. I don’t know if it was that he is now at the point in his life, with enough maturity, that he understands this type of suffering. But now, at just shy of 14 months of age, my son showed empathy. He kept walking over to the little girl, then backing away. He never took his eyes off her. There were moments when he made small noises, as if to match her cries? And then the mom came back and my son was pointing up at the mom as she walked through the door. It was as if he was saying “hey, she’s back, she’s back!”.  Perhaps signaling to the little girl?

But the girl was beyond the point of sadness because she couldn’t stop crying. She was unable to control her emotions, so the mama sat with her little girl on her lap.

I thought that this was it with my son, but it wasn’t. He kept checking in on them. He kept watching. The girl was still crying and Franky continued to feel for her.

At some point, my son went up to both mom and girl, and just barely, softly, touched the little girl’s hand. He then walked away. And the little girl stopped crying. She was watching Franky and soon enough was again ready to join him and the others.

It was just so beautiful and it was so sensitive.

My teacher has talked to us about how babies often cry when they hear crying because they have a sort of innate sense of empathy. But in the beginning this is just mimicking. At some point, it becomes more. Children really begin to understand that crying stems from a place of suffering, a place of sadness, that crying is not just noise. And this understanding establishes a true empathy within the child. Since this is a complex thing, it happens at a different stage for each child. And now, with careful observation and the perfect environment to allow such a situation to unfold, I believe my son achieved this quality.

Because of my background as a teacher, or maybe just my personality, I am always trying to learn more about RIE. I am particularly fascinated by what it looks like beyond the first two years. I ask my teacher and anyone I know who has raised their children with this philosophy, how does RIE look when our kids are teenagers? What sets RIE kids apart from non-RIE kids later on in life?

Well one of the things I often hear is compassion, because RIE is about relationship-based caring. RIE kids are just more compassionate. In preschool, elementary school, high school, and throughout their entire life.

I am not trying to say non-RIE kids can’t be compassionate. Of course some kids are and some kids aren’t. But this parenting philosophy allows kids the opportunity to develop compassion. It is because we let the kid cry and let the other kids see it. It is because we trust what kids are feeling to be real and authentic. It is because we create an environment that embraces emotion instead of stamping it out.

This is why RIE kids care more. They feel more. They are more.

And I think that such a beautiful thing!

bedtime part 2

Desere1 Comment

Last week I wrote a whole post about babies having a bedtime. Basically I vented about when I go out late at night, I see too many babies and families, the babies are crying, and from my interpretations, the crying is tiredness.

But before I dive into the deeper issues of not adhering to a baby’s bedtime, I want to first clear up any issues I may have caused by writing my little rant the other week.

Now motherhood is hard. And I am not saying that in the cliche way that we hear all the time. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the whole world and unfortunately you only really understand this once you become a mother yourself. Therefore the last thing I ever want to do to you, my readers, is place judgment on you as a mother.  Motherhood is hard enough without judgment and critiquing.

That being said, my blog is about respect. Specifically respecting babies. My goal is to write about a parenting style that is centered on the idea that babies are capable, understand us, and are worthy of trust and respect.

That being said, there are exceptions. Because we are human. And we are not perfect. And we aren’t supposed to be perfect. So…

You have no one to watch the baby and need to run out for last minute errands. I am not judging you.

You go out all day, maybe with friends. You enjoy yourself and miss baby’s bedtime. I am not judging you.

You work everyday, get home late, want to spend time with your kids but also need to get groceries or buy some clothes. I am not judging you.

Now, if this is something you do on the daily then yea I am passing a little judgment. The instances I described in my last post didn’t seem like a once in a while venture out to Target. The parents were ignoring or trying to shush their crying baby so they could dilly dally on their phones and peruse the store. And I simply don’t believe that is in the best interest of their child.

I say this because I see babies as more than they are.

And that’s the whole point of this site. I want to open your eyes, too. I want you to see your baby for more than they are. I want you to sit back and watch your baby “play“. I want you to wait and let your baby struggle before ‘saving’ them. I want you to talk to your baby while doing things to them like picking them up or changing their diaper. Because when you do this, when you really start to create habits like these, babies become more than babies. You will start to see them as whole beings. And once you see them this way, you start to feel for them more. You start to question whether the mentality of “oh he is just a baby it’s fine” is the best way of thinking about things. You start to wonder “would I want anyone treating me like that?” And once you see your baby and all babies like this, you can’t turn it off.

My goal is not to place judgement on you as a mother. When I wrote my last post, even when I wrote about not taking babies to Disneyland, I am describing what I see from the baby’s perspective. And I am doing this to help you see it as well.

I am a teacher at heart after all. Even though I am not RIE certified or credentialed in early childhood development, I believe I can still teach you. I can teach you how I empowered high school students in a subject most adults shudder when mentioned. And I can teach you what I have learned studying this parenting philosophy so far.

If you don’t agree with it, we are all good too. There is no black and white with parenthood, and you have to do what feels right to you.

As for me… I believe in RIE. If you do too, then let’s officially get back on track and dive into the bigger issue underlying my rant from last week.

Why is it so important that we adhere to a bedtime schedule? 

Babies and kids crave routine. The more consistent the environment, the more they will flourish. Routines give babies confidence and security. This security lays the foundation for babies to learn and apply their learning. Because of this constant learning and adapting, the moment you mess with the predictable, you throw off a baby’s world.

Furthermore, there are countless researchers that have shown a correlation between bedtime and cognitive development. Irregular bedtimes are linked with lower scores in reading, math, and spatial awareness. Irregular bedtimes are linked to behavioral problems. Irregular bedtimes are even linked to self-image issues.

But most importantly, irregular bedtimes means you are not putting your child’s needs first. It means you are taking the repetition and routine away from your baby. It means you are going to have a screaming baby. It means you are probably going to get angry or frustrated yourself. It means you are setting yourself up for failure.

Remember how hard being a parent is? So let’s avoid these types of situations if we can. Just respect and trust.

Respect your child’s needs.

This includes being fed and in bed on a consistent schedule.

Trust your child’s ability. 

The more consistent you are, the more they will follow through. Babies and young children are capable of holding up their end of the bargain. They will eat and they will sleep because it becomes a predictable part of their world.

Lastly, because I am passionate about this parenting philosophy I am going to call out any behavior I believe undermines babies and young children. I am not out to criticize you or your choices. I am here to spread knowledge. I have gained a lot of insight when teaching high school students a specific way. And the specific way I taught has now forged the type of mother I have become.

So trust me when I say, I am not here to critique your parenting choices.

But do respect the experience I bring to the table.

building a foundation

Desere

Last week I wrote about my idea of leaving your kids alone. When you need to do something during the day, or when trying to enforce their sleep, leave them alone. This is a way to build mutual respect.

This week I want to piggyback off this post.

I have talked to several moms who don’t necessarily buy into my ideas of leaving my son for a few minutes, or asking him to help me change his diaper. Other moms have tried, and tell me that it just doesn’t work. They try to go to the bathroom but their baby cries hysterically.

So they wonder, how can I be a self respected adult and go to the restroom? How can I teach my child to respect me and my needs, when they act like the world is ending if I leave the room?

Here’s the thing, this stuff doesn’t happen overnight.

I have been fortunate to stumble upon these ideas early on, and I have been working on each idea with my son for months and months now, persistently.

The ideas behind this respectful parenting approach take time. It takes time to implement, and it takes time to take effect.

So last week my advice was leave your kids alone.

Now I say if you want to be able to leave successfully, you have to first build a foundation of trust.

A foundation of respect and trust begins with communication. Before I was ever able to leave, I needed my son to trust me to come back. For him to trust me to come back, he had to believe my words when I say “I am going, but I will be back in a few minutes.” And he only began believing my words when I began asking him if I could pick him up.

Asking and telling him what I was going to do, before doing it, built trust and anticipation. I wrote about how anticipation begets cooperation. When you give your child the opportunity to anticipate what’s about to happen to him or her, they will more likely go along with it. More likely, but not always.

This means for months, I started with the idea “can I pick you up”.  I asked him, occasionally told him, and waited. I did this for months. (Am I stressing enough how long this all took me? Because it took months!)

Only after I saw that my son was listening to my words did I begin to tackle diaper changes.

That’s because in order to transform our changing table experience, I needed my son to hear me. He needed to hear when I said lift your legs up, or punch through your shirt.

Months went by (yes months), and I was working on building more trust through communication. You see it takes time to build a relationship based on trust and openness. It takes time for him to trust me when I say that I’m going to do things but that I’m going to tell him first.

Only after I mastered the changing table, did I move on to telling my son I was leaving the room.

My point is, you can’t just jump into leaving your baby and hope it works. It doesn’t even always work for me. And you can’t just start talking to your child on the changing table hoping for a miracle.

This was always a big parenting aha moment for me, that to implement anything with my son takes time and commitment. I first realized this when starting a bedtime routine with him. It took several days before we got our routine down. The key was continuing every night, same routine, same time.

When I taught high school, I used to have teachers come and observe me because of the curriculum and methods I was using in my classroom. Afterwards, they used to tell me how amazed they were with my students. They couldn’t believe how well they worked in groups, tried each problem, self-advocated when they were struggling, and vocalized their ideas to the rest of the class. They were impressed. I was impressed too.

But what I told the other teachers when they began training with me was that what they saw takes time. I couldn’t stress it enough. Everything they saw was the result of months and months of preparation. It took months of me sitting with groups, literally showing them what it looks like to talk and share ideas. It took months of randomly calling students to get them to actually listen to each other. It took months of celebrating mistakes for students to feel comfortable making them in front of each other, and their teacher. Basically I spent the first semester building this culture in my classroom.

So I have experience putting a lot of time in, knowing the results will be worth it.

Is it daunting? Of course it is. Everything about being a parent is daunting enough, without the pressure of also trying to build a respectful relationship with your child. But if you truly want your children to be raised a certain way, any way, you need to set up the foundation first. And it’s never too late to start. Start now. Just remember, it won’t happen overnight. And that’s ok too.

So be patient, be consistent, and be persistent. There are no shortcuts in raising resourceful, respectful, and competent human beings. Build the foundation now! Trust me, it will be worth it. 

stop taking babies to the happiest place on earth

Desere

Last week I wrote about how relaxing RIE classes are.

You know what’s not relaxing? Disneyland…

I went to Disneyland the other day with a few friends, and without my son. I hadn’t been in about 6 or 7 years, so I was excited to go.

But it was horrible.

I’m not even talking about how extremely hot it was (94°) or how extremely crowded it was (park reached maximum capacity). Those things did not help my already wavering appreciation of this theme park.

But what made it horrible for me was seeing all the babies.

I saw babies dripping in sweat and every other stroller having fans attached to them. I saw children having melt downs throughout the day out of what was clearly pure exhaustion. I heard toddlers screaming at the baby center while being changed. I watched kids begging their parents to buy all sorts of toys and parents becoming angry over every request. I even saw kids passed out on the floor, all over the park. And there was crying… so much crying.

And I am sure if you have ever been to Disneyland, you have seen these things too.

Folks, please stop taking babies to Disneyland. I may not be a child specialist or have a PhD, but I have eyes and I am a mother. These babies and toddlers are NOT happy, and here is my interpretation of why this is so.

1. over-stimulation: 

The theme park has giant characters, lights all around, music and bands, noise from all directions, people everywhere, smells, rides.

Just listing it all out is making me feel overwhelmed. I can’t imagine my son, who  gets overwhelmed from too many people coming over, dealing with all of these things.

When I was there, I was going to the baby center constantly to pump. One of the times there I watched a mom holding a baby that looked to be about 8 months old. His eyes were bulging, and looking everywhere. I could see him simply attempting to take everything in. He was being moved quickly, and he was struggling to keep up.

And I felt for him.

2. loss of predictability

Babies crave predictability. This is a fact. Magda Gerber (founder of RIE) believed that predictability helps babies and toddlers feel secure.

The more predictable the daily routine is, the more stability we give our kids. This helps them eat and sleep when the time comes. This also helps them make sense of the ever changing world around them.

I really believe my job is to keep my son feeling safe. Over-stimulation is something that is not routine for him, which is unpredictable. In that type of environment he doesn’t learn or feel comfortable. And I feel like I’m failing my job. Not to mention I hate ‘bucketing’ him for more than a few hours.

After a full day at any theme park, I am whiped out. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I can’t imagine what a full day at Disneyland might do to my son’s equilabrium.

I believe my son is capable of handling a lot. But I know he has no way of handling everything that would be thrown at him at Disneyland, which brings me to my next point.

3. unreasonable expectations

It’s called the happiest place on earth for a reason, and I’m not writing this to deny any of those reasons. However expecting a baby or young toddler to take everything in and be as happy and excited as I am when I travel to to Disneyland is unreasonable.

Babies and toddlers aren’t coming here for their own pleasure, that is ridiculous. We take them for our pleasure. We take them for pictures with cartoon characters we adore. Worse yet, we take them as an afterthought because we are really taking our older children.

In her post Please Don’t Take The Children, Janet Lansbury explains her own understanding of child development and the dangers of projecting our adult point of view onto our infants and toddlers. “It sounds fun and stimulating to us, so it must be a good idea. It’s easy to make this misjudgment with pre-verbal children.”

She continues to point out that the stress, discomfort, and exhaustion may not harm babies. “But what these developmentally inappropriate activities are almost certain to do is waste a child’s time, time the child could be spending engaging in self-initiated learning adventures, creating and imagining, feeling content, secure and confident in familiar surroundings, socializing, free to move and explore, empowered by knowing the routine.”

And I think this is what bothered me the most. Seeing these young kids trapped.

Because children are explorers and need places where they are able to move around, experiment, run, and climb. Asking a toddler not to do these things is asking them not to breathe. But in a crowded theme park, our kids lose this safe place to play and explore. We fear for their safety. We yell if they run. We get frustrated when they don’t comply.

Why are we setting ourself up for failure?

But Des, this is the happiest place on earth! I know it is, and I too cannot wait to take my son here. I dream about the day I can bring him to enjoy the parade and the rides, to meet different characters. I just think there is an age limit to this ‘happiness’ and we need to be careful about what is being commercially marketed to us. And I can’t tell you what the age limit is because I think every kid is different and every kid might be able to handle this experience differently.

What I can do is pass along the test that Janet Lansbury recommends before deciding to take your child anywhere: 1) “Who is this for?” 2) “Are they really ready to actively participate in this experience, or would it be better to wait until they are a bit older?” 3) “Will this be more enriching than an afternoon dawdling in the backyard or a walk down the street?”

When you can answer these three questions authentically, then you will be making a decision in the best interest of your child.

So for me:

1) Disneyland is for me to let loose with my friends and go on rides

2) my son can’t walk yet so he is definitely too young to actively participate in anything at the park

3) watching my son spend a whole afternoon learning how to slide the screen door open, let himself outside, crawl around, come back inside, slide the screen closed, and repeat is enriching enough for the both of us

sometimes i don’t know if RIE will work

Desere

“I want to be transparent with you.”

This was something I used to tell my students when I taught high school. I used this line to start any conversation where I wanted to be open and honest with them. Maybe it was about the administration requiring me to do something I didn’t believe in, or the testing schedule was conflicting with the learning. Regardless, I believed in having open communication with my students. After all, I expected them to have open communication with each other and myself.

I first heard this line by my mentor, who also believed in being honest with his students. At first I wondered, why show such vulnerability? Wouldn’t students see this as a weakness? We are the teachers. They are students. Those are clear roles that have clear boundaries. We don’t need to justify anything to them. But my mentor made me realize this was not a form of weakness, it was a strength. It was a way to build the relationship, to build rapport.

So, readers, I want to be transparent with you.

In my last post, I wrote about an incident that happened with my mom and my son. After replaying this incident in my head, re-reading my post about it, and speaking with my mom several times about it, I found myself questioning this parenting philosophy I have chosen.

Honestly, this was not the first time I heard the little voice in my head wondering, is this the right way?

How do I know RIE will work? 

How do I know I am not creating emotional scars for my child? 

What if positive parenting is just a ‘trend’ right now?

What if in a few years several articles written by PhD so-and-so, and studies done by Ivy League what’s-it-called come out showing RIE is a bust? 

I know I am not the only mom that wonders if what I am doing on the daily is hurting or helping my child.

I am an over-thinker. And I am sensitive. Which means, I take most things to heart and I tend to over-think everything to the point of exhaustion. So when there is just a little bit of doubt about what I am doing, it gets amplified in my head.

But I didn’t choose RIE because it sounded nice at the time. I chose to follow this philosophy because it spoke to me, to who I am.

I chose RIE because it is a way of parenting, and a way of life, centered on the idea of respect. 

And that idea means the world to me.

But it is hard because it is different. I know I am going against the grain when I avoid screen time with my son, when I speak to him like an adult, when I ask if I can pick him up before doing so. I am aware of all these things. It is very different than what most people are used to. It is very different than how my parents raised me.

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Robert Frost was talking about when he said to take the road less traveled. And I hope it does make all the difference.

But the hardest part is not only that it is different, because it is. No, the hardest part is not offending anyone else’s parenting style knowing how different mine is to theirs. Because parenting is not black and white. Parenting is not even gray, it is a swirl of colors and ideas. Since every person is different, every style of parenting is different. And there is no right or wrong because what works for some might not work for others. As the worlds biggest ‘learn on the job’ type of job, it really depends on who you are and what you believe to be true.

My parents did not raise me using RIE. There were a lot of things they did that would be considered anti-RIE. But here’s the thing, I don’t ever for a second think about their parenting in a bad way.

When I was pregnant and reading left and right about babies and discipline, all I kept coming back to in my head was how incredible my parents handled everything. I put them up on a pedestal and decided I would use them as my guide because my parents instilled in us the characteristics I hope to see in my son one day.

And look, maybe they had no idea what they were doing at the time. But overall (and obviously I am super biased) I think they did a fantastic job.

Therefore, for me to choose this style of parenting that is so different, is not easy. As willing as my amazing mom is to learn with me and try everything I ask of her, I can see how hard it is for her to do things against what she is used to. Consequently, I am having a lot of difficulty sustaining my own passion for this philosophy.

I am questioning myself, because what if ‘respect’ is not enough. When my son is crying, my heart breaks. Of course I want him to stop because he is sad, which makes me sad. And I love him so much that I don’t ever want him to feel sad. But Magda Gerber, founder of RIE, once said “Many awful things have been done in the name of love, but nothing awful can be done in the name of respect.”

What is she referring to?

Well, let’s take the case of a child crying:

  • Showing them love is assuming that when children cry, they are sad. In order to stop feeling sad, they need to stop crying. So we make them stop.
  • Showing them respect is teaching our children how to sit with their uncomfortable feelings and work through them.

We cannot really limit how someone feels, regardless if that someone is an adult or child. It’s not up to us to decide how long someone else needs to cry to get the emotions out. The adult’s job who is nearby, ANY adult nearby, is to let the feelings be, for as long as they need to. RIE is about giving our children emotional freedom, because our children cannot regulate their emotions the way we as adults can. They learn to regulate emotions only through experience. So let them experience strong emotions. Let them experience processing those emotions. And let them experience what it feels like to come out the other side.

We are teaching emotional intelligence.

Ok all this sounds nice… but the fact still remains that this is just so different than what most parents do and believe. And I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know if my child will end up with more emotional intelligence than other children, or if following this style of parenting will give my son emotional scars. I don’t know if positive parenting will get my son to be more creative and hard working. I have no idea if openly communicating with him will give him a better vocabulary. Who knows if modeling respect will make him be respectful to himself and others.

Sometimes, I don’t know if RIE will work.

Maybe Robert Frost was wrong, maybe the road less traveled will not make all the difference.

But I started this blog because I wanted to share my experiences with you, the good and the bad. Maybe when I reach post # 29,583 we will laugh together about how silly and naive I was in the beginning… Maybe.

But a fellow RIE mom was giving advice to another mom who was having doubts about baby-led play and it really resonated. Here is what she wrote:

“It sounds like you are using RIE with a goal in mind. Try to let go of that. RIE kids are not more creative, or independent, or able, than any other kids. They are just more *themselves*. It is hard to let go when you just want the best for your son, but really trust him. He is doing what he needs to do. Try not to compare him to others. The only goal of RIE is really to have the tools to truly allow our kids to be who they are.“

Thank you fellow RIE mom, for reminding me of what RIE is really about and why I believe in it so much.

crying is uncomfortable

Desere6 Comments

My mom came over today.

I had just walked back from the park with my son and was dying to use the restroom. I walked in, put Frank on the floor, and told him I was sorry but really needed to use the restroom. Usually I give him a bigger warning but I didn’t think I could wait this time. So I left him on the floor with his grandma and went.

Frank cried. Sometimes he does when I leave.

When I came out of the bathroom, I sat on the floor and rubbed my son’s back. I told him I hear him and I see how sad he was that I left.

My mom turned to me and said, “I don’t think this RIE stuff works.”

This is not the first time she has said this phrase to me.

She explained that he was crying when I left. I said I heard. She said because she respects my parenting she didn’t do anything. So I asked her what is it that she would have done differently. She said she would have distracted him.

Why?

To stop his crying.

Now before I go on, I want to point out my mom has the best of intentions. She loves her grandson. And I love her dearly for trying to learn about this parenting philosophy because she sees how important it is to me. (I love you mom)

But here is the problem my mom is facing: crying makes her uncomfortable.

And I don’t blame her. Crying makes me uncomfortable too. As a matter of fact, I bet you it would be tough to find many people who didn’t feel weird when they heard crying, especially a baby crying. Our instincts tell us to help, help by making it stop.

But maybe our job is not to try and fix it. My son is sad because I left. Why do I need to stop his feeling sad?

When I am sad or upset and I sit with my husband to tell him what is bothering me, I don’t know how I would feel if he started waving something in front of my face or singing a song to me. Actually that’s a lie. I know how I would feel. I would feel angry and disrespected.

I want a shoulder to cry on. I want a listening ear. That’s what I crave when I’m sad.

Do babies deserve any less?

Well maybe they do. Maybe we should stop their crying. After all, feeling sad is… sad.

So let’s stop his feelings by distracting him. Let’s send him the message that this feeling of sadness he is experiencing is wrong, that he needs to ignore it, it needs to stop.

And it’s easy to distract a baby, simply wave something in front of their face.

The consequence of course is that I am now conditioning my baby to ignore this weird feeling. When my baby becomes let’s say seven years old, waving a toy might not be powerful enough. Maybe now when he’s feeling sad I will turn on a movie for him or give him ice cream. That is stronger than simply showing him a new object.

What happens when he becomes a teenager and starts feeling sad? What will he turn to that’s more powerful than TV in order to distract himself? I can think of a few things teenagers turn to to distract themselves from daily life, can’t you?

Am I implying that distracting my son so he stops crying will make him a drug addict? Of course not. But why aren’t we teaching our children how to handle healthy emotions? And why not start when they are young, really young? There is nothing wrong with feeling sad. As a matter of fact, children and babies are naturally inclined to release their feelings so they can move on.

As Patty Wipfler from Hand-in-Hand parenting explains:

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night.”

So crying is uncomfortable. I agree. Guess what, it is probably uncomfortable to your child as well. So let them cry and get over the big wave of emotions they are feeling. Then you both can move on.

Just to clarify however, I do not believe in the ‘cry it out’ method. When I say, let them cry, this does not mean leave them to cry alone and afraid while I wait in another room for it to stop. Respectful parenting is not about ignoring these feelings. Our job is to be present, and to support our child through it.

My presence is incredibly important during this time of big emotions. That is why when I got out of the restroom I didn’t pick my son up to rescue him from his own crying. I sat down on his level, told him that I was here, that I see he is sad, and that I understand.

I have this personal motto. I made it up when I was really young and used to use it whenever I got hurt. “Embrace and overcome.” If I fell or anything, I would tell myself embrace the pain and overcome. Then when I got older and was on the water polo team, I used it when practice was hard and my body was aching. Finally, when I was in labor with my son, I tried to remember this as well.

What’s my point with all this? Well this motto applies to crying and my son.

Allowing him to self soothe, with me being 100% present, is the best thing I can do when he is upset. Yes I am uncomfortable when I hear him crying because, crying is uncomfortable. But I need to embrace this uncomfortable feeling, and overcome it. This way I can help my son embrace his big feelings as well, and most importantly, overcome them. 

anticipation begets cooperation

Desere1 Comment

For the past two weeks or so, my son has been sick. Let me tell you, practicing respectful parenting with a sick baby is not easy!

The biggest struggle I have been having is wiping my son’s nose. He hates it! But there is not much I can do when he sneezes, I have to wipe him up. As I go near him with the tissue he immediately turns his head away. When I try to wipe he will whip his head back and forth and eventually whimper or scream for me to leave him alone.

This is when I realized, I am approaching him all wrong.

RIE has taught me a lot about slowing down. When we want our children to cooperate, it is important to remember they run at a much slower pace than we do. When we slow down, get down on their level, and speak to them with respect, this is often all they need to do what we ask.

Why on earth haven’t I been following my own advice the past two weeks!? Well, it’s because he is sick, and my husband is sick, and there is lack of sleep, and I forgot. I forgot that my goal is to trust and respect my son. always. I forgot that I should be treating him like a human, not an object. Who do you know that would want you to come up from behind and start wiping their nose for them?

So I did some research on one of the RIE Mom groups on Facebook, and found some advice for what to do. This morning, I tried it.

My son sneezed, and there was snot everywhere.

Not moving from my spot I said, “Franky, you sneezed and have a lot of snot, I am going to get a tissue.”

I got up and walked over to the tissue box. I grabbed one and sat back where I was originally sitting on the floor.

“I have a tissue now.” I waited until he saw me and came over out of interest. I let him touch the tissue.

“I need to wipe your nose with this tissue.”

More waiting.

“I am going to wipe you. 1 … 2 … 3 …” and I wiped his nose.

And you know what my son did. Nothing. He let me wipe his nose completely, he let me wipe his mouth and under his chin. He watched me throw the tissue away and then went back to playing with his toys.

Did the process maybe take longer than if I just attacked him with a tissue, maybe? But my son was not traumatized by the experience. I can’t believe I wasn’t doing this sooner!

At RIE class, my teacher often tells us “anticipation begets cooperation“. Allowing babies to anticipate our actions before we actually do anything, gives them the opportunity to cooperate. This is the difference between any care-giver and an educarer. (remember RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educarers). My teacher’s mentor, Magda Gerber, explains that “the care-giver may scoop up an infant unexpectedly from behind, thereby startling, interrupting and creating resistance in the infant, the educarer always tells the infant before she does anything with him or her and thus gains cooperation.”

So that’s it. The secret to getting babies to cooperate is often as simple as telling them what you plan on doing.

I explained in one of my posts how I change my son’s diaper. It is never an easy task, and what has helped me was getting my son as involved as possible, having him help me by lifting his legs and wiping. There are still, to this day, many times that this task is incredibly challenging. Before I am able to apply what I described in that post, he is struggling to even lay down. So I recently starting using my teachers advice with this as well.

When I suspect he needs a change, I let him know that I will be changing his diaper in a few minutes. After this time passes, I tell him I will pick him up to go change his diaper. As I carry him to his room I am telling him that we are going to his room to change his diaper. (as you probably noticed, I try to say the phrase ‘change your diaper’ as often as I can) Before setting him down I tell him, “I am about to put you on your changing table”. As I am lowering him, “I am putting you on the changing table now”. etc.

It may seem annoying to an outsider, but what I am trying to do is really convey the message to my son that which I am about to do to him. This gets him ready and he has become way more cooperative once I lay him all the way down.

Communication, that’s the key.

As I am meeting more moms and as my son is growing, I am realizing this approach to parenting really comes down to the #1 rule, respect. I want my son to know that I hear him, that I am with him, that we are a team. I am not doing things to him because he is not an object, he is a person. Of course, I need to change his diaper and feed him, but I want him to be part of the process. Therefore to remain respectful, I really can’t do anything without communication.

Does telling my son what I am going to do always work, no way! But when it does it makes me feel good knowing that I am truly respecting my child.

slow down

Desere1 Comment

The biggest takeaway from my second RIE class was the idea of slowing down. In order to have a trusting relationship and open communication with our babies, we really need to slow down to their level. Babies don’t process things as fast as we do.

Here is what happened in this week’s class. I really needed to go to the bathroom, so naturally I turned to the teacher and said “I need to go to the bathroom.” She looked at me and replied, “You shouldn’t be telling me, you should tell your son.”

Huh?!?

I came here with my son. We came together. If there was anyone who needed to know that I was about to leave the room, it was him. Duh!

Think about it like this, if you went somewhere with a friend, you wouldn’t just leave to the bathroom, you would tell your friend where you were going, right? Treating babies with respect, as whole people, means giving them the same courtesy. More so than adults, because babies and toddlers are driven by their emotions. Leaving can trigger intense feelings and should be acknowledged, not ignored.

My instructor told me to tell my son. She said to tell him first, without moving. To wait. Then to get up and go.

So I did. I told Franky “I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a few minutes ok?” and then got up and left. As I was next door in the bathroom, I could hear the distinct cry of my son. He was crying! I hurried back and saw he was definitely in distress. The teacher was talking to him saying “your mom left and you didn’t like that.” When she saw me she said “your mom is here now.” She told me to move close to where he was sitting, which I did. I picked him up and hugged him, without saying anything. After a few minutes he calmed down and went off to play.

But I had made a mistake.

My teacher pointed out that when telling my son I needed to go to the bathroom I ended my statement with “ok?” which is a very typical thing parents often do. We do this as if to soften our statement. But it’s not softening it, it is asking permission. As adults and as parents, we do not, should not, need the permission of our children to do self caring acts (like going to the bathroom).

And in the eyes of my son, of course it’s not ok! My son doesn’t want to be left alone.

Instead, I need to tell him I am going.

Period.

And then go.

Don’t stick around. Don’t say it 100 times. Don’t be all sad with your eyebrows down trying to empathize. You need to go to the bathroom, go! Your child will learn to respect that you need to take care of yourself, and will grow up respecting this idea of others.

RIE is not about avoiding our babies’ cries. It was ok that he cried! It is ok to set limits and for our kids to say, hey we don’t like that. Most parents often give in at this point because their baby is crying or whining. We just have to remind ourselves IT’S OK for baby to do these things

This is literally the only way that the baby can communicate. Since RIE is about open communication, it really should go both ways. The baby is not going to always like what you have to say, and will express their dislike for whatever you just set a limit for.

But here is the best part. You set some limit. Your baby cries (or not). And then, you both can move on. Because when babies and children have the space and support to let out their feelings, they are much more ready to move on. We don’t stop them from crying, we accept it the way I did in class when I simply held my son after returning from the bathroom without saying “you’re ok.”

The only thing you need to remember is to slow down. Babies are incredibly good listeners, but things need to marinate for a bit until they can truly process it.

  • slow down while changing a diaper

    • this is not a time to rush
    • ask your baby for help and wait

  • slow down while feeding

    • read your baby’s cues for hunger and for fullness
    • ensure safety, remember they are just learning how to eat

  • slow down while playing

    • babies don’t get bored
    • really look at what they are interested in instead of assuming anything
    • your baby is playing with one toy, now is not the time to grab another toy to show him/her

  • slow down if your baby seems distracted or isn’t paying attention

    • something fascinating might have caught his/her eye. It could be as simple as a reflection bouncing off a surface. Bend down, look where your baby is looking, and enjoy this moment.

  • slow down when telling your baby something

    • want to get up and leave your child, say it first before getting up
    • better yet, say “in one minute I’m going to get up and go to the bathroom.” Then 1 min later, “I am going to get up now and go to the the bathroom. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Then go

 

 

changing table revolution

Desere2 Comments

Oh the struggle of the changing table.

There is no way any parent of a child has not faced this type of struggle at some point or another. For us, it happened when Frank was 7.5 months old. He HATED being on his back. He would immediately roll over and try to escape. So we did what most parents do, we tried distracting him with some toy so we could finish changing his diaper as fast as possible.

And this worked. Sort of. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Often  my son was crying and screaming. Until I found RIE. Aha! I was doing this all wrong…

First, the groundwork of RIE that are crucial to this change:

  • respect

  • trust

  • doing less so your child does more

  • giving 100% attention during care-taking activities

 

My baby is as deserving of respect and trust as anyone else in the world. During this time (and the other 4+ times that day when we are on the changing table) I need to treat my son with respect. This means I need to stop distracting him with a toy.

I remember moms preaching to me while I was pregnant, “distraction, distraction, distraction.” And distraction truly is a godsend as a new parent. Your baby is crying, distract with a song. Your baby is on the changing table, distract with a toy. Your baby doesn’t wan’t to eat, distract by moving the spoon like an airplane (bonus: make airplane sounds).  But this can easily become a slippery slope. Your kid is unhappy, distract with a funny face. Your kids are bothering you while you are out with friends, distract with a smartphone. This ‘tool’ has became an integral part of parenting in our society, and an easy fix to several situations. The unfortunate side effects of this, however, are that you are creating a dependency on entertainment, you are ignoring your child’s feelings, and you are signaling to your little one that they are passive beings with no rights or abilities.

Let’s back up a little and go back to the changing table. When you give your baby a toy so you can change their diaper in peace, and quickly, you are really doing them an dishonor. You are being deceptive, rather than respective. “I am going to trick you into not paying attention to me while I do things to your body.” Don’t underestimate your child’s intelligence! RIE is about honest communication. Rather than distract, honestly let your child know what is about to happen. Just as we let them know we are going to pick them up before scooping them off the ground, we also let them know we are going to change them before setting them on the changing table. It is not about lying to them, it is about including them.

If your child cries when you set them down, acknowledge these feelings. Again, we don’t give them a toy to ‘shut them up’. This shows we do not value their emotions. Instead say “I hear you, you are upset. Are you not ready to lay down on your back yet?” Letting my son know that I hear his cries and that I am trying to help, has really transformed my relationship with him. Sometimes I pick him up and wait. Other times I tell him that I hear him and that I am here, which is often all it takes for him to calm down. I wait  until he is calm before I start the diaper process. This way he feels secure in knowing that I hear him, but that I am not deterred from my parental duty.

This leads to the next part, trust. In order to truly include your baby in this activity, you need to trust in his/her ability. None of this will work if you don’t trust that your baby is capable of listening to your directions, and helping you through this task. Describe everything you are doing, and ask your baby for help. Keep asking, and keep asking. In time, your baby will start to do what you ask.

I used to open up my son’s diaper and grab his legs by the ankle to raise his butt. Isn’t this what all parents do? When I decided to try RIE on the changing table, I began with the idea of asking him to raise his legs. “I am opening up your diaper. Raise your legs so I can take the diaper off.” Then I waited. This felt so long, but I was determined. Finally my son raised his legs! Maybe he did it coincidentally. Maybe he had an itch. Maybe he wanted to see his toes. I don’t know! But he raised his legs and I said, “Thank you for raising your legs. I can now remove your diaper.” Regardless of why he did it, he is listening to the words I am saying as he is completing the action. With time, the connection gets made. This is how language gets formed, organically.

I let him know that I am wiping him to make sure he is clean. Then I tell him that I am going to slide the clean diaper under his butt. “When you are ready, put your legs down.” More waiting. A lot of waiting. Finally he puts his legs down. “Thank you for putting your legs down. Now I can close up your clean diaper. Can you feel my strapping it down?”

RIE is about doing less, so your child does more. Why put so much stress onto yourself during this time of the day? By doing less and letting my son do more during his diaper changes, I feel so much happier. I actually like changing his diaper now!

This brings me to the last point from above, giving 100% attention. Since RIE believes in child-led play, many might argue that there leaves no time during the day to love on your baby. My husband did at least. When we first began using RIE at home and my son would be playing, my husband would interrupt him with kisses, or try to play with him with a specific toy. When I tried to stop him, my husband would get angry with me, saying “this is my son and I can love him and kiss him and play with him when I want.” How could I truly argue? I too felt like I was losing ‘love’ time with my baby by becoming an observer most of the day.

But love shows up during other parts of the day, the care-taking parts. What better way to show someone you love them then when you take care of them? When you are changing a diaper or feeding your baby, those are the one-on-one moments. Those are the times to take in your baby’s wonderfulness, to see who they are, to talk to them and love on them.

Now this takes a lot of time, and patience. So much patience! I read an article about a father’s experience applying RIE to the changing table and he said, be ready to spend the whole day there. Just have that expectation going in, because sometimes you will have to wait. Once I accepted this, the waiting seemed to get shorter.

My husband is not as patient as I am. It took him a lot longer to accept this new style of diaper changes. He often told me that it wasn’t going to work. He also would tell my son a few times “put your legs down” before sometimes nudging them down himself. But now? My husband is the master of the changing table. After truly adopting this method and waiting more, my husband has so much fun with my son. I can hear them from the next room and even feel jealous of their bonding! How great is that? They get to bond during an activity most parents dread!

 

The latest thing I began trying was letting my son throw his diaper into the diaper genie. After the “punch your arms through the sleeve” and “kick your leg as I pull your pants on”, I pick up his diaper and move it toward the edge of the changing table where the diaper genie is. He get’s so excited and flips onto his stomach. At first I showed him how I opened the diaper genie and threw the diaper inside, then snapped the lid closed again. (narrating what I was doing, of course). Now I leave the diaper there and open the diaper genie, and wait. My son literally bounces up and down from joy. He picks up the diaper and leans over. I keep one hand on his back to make sure he is safe. He then throws the diaper into the diaper genie. I push it down. We close the lid together. I let him know we are all done and that I am going to pick him up. This is so much fun, you seriously need to try it.

What am I planning on trying next? Well my RIE teacher told us that one parent had her kid help open up his diaper and similarly tap on the straps of the new diaper to close it. I have not tried this yet, but this is my next goal. Sometimes Franky’s hands are on the diaper as I open it up, so I say “You feel your full diaper, I am going to open it now. Do you feel my pulling the straps open?” Soon he will take over this, and that’s one less thing I need to do!

Diaper changes… I like them… mic drop