Beautiful parents, we are living in strange times right now. A virus is taking the world by storm, and if you are like me you are living in mandatory quarantine.
Now I am not going to use this post to talk about what staying at home this past week was like. Instead I want to talk about emotions.
Whether we are shielding our children from everything going on in the news or exposing them to it all, they are definitely going to be feeling all the feels right now.
The world is going through something weird, something new, and something strange. People are at home when they usually wouldn’t be. People are losing work. People are stressed … and scared.
Our kids feel it, they sense it, and what they need now more than ever is the space to release some pent up emotions about it all.
I am not worried about our kids’ ability to adapt. As Teacher Tom put it, “Young children were built for this. Young children are the masters of learning from whatever life throws at them.” He writes more about this here and it’s fantastic.
No, what I am worried about is amid all this stress, we forget that our kids need us to hold space for them to release any and all emotions.
This is not new to respectful parenting. If anything I would say allowing and acknowledging little one’s emotions is a pillar of parenting with respect.
But we are human, and are dealing with a lot of unknowns right now. So maybe we all need a reminder.
Janet Lansbury’s famous idea has never been so crucial:
ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET TO WELCOME THESE EMOTIONS
But there is more to it than that. (of course there is)
You see part of building a respectful relationship with your child means knowing who your child is, as a person, and being able to read those cues that they have something to release. Discerning between situations where they simply need to release some rage/stress/sadness versus situations where a deeper, more meaningful conversation is in order. Of course the latter is more for older children.
This is about using certain phrasing to show you are there, not judging, and open. Realizing what they may be frustrated about and giving it words. Giving them language to use when they might not know why they are feeling this way at all.
My personal example from today (because maybe this will help you?):
We were playing in the backyard and my son (almost 4) said he wants us to have a gorilla. So of course I laughed a little and exclaimed, “A GORILLA?!” to play along. But he seemed serious. He took me and showed me where to put up a tall fence so the gorilla wouldn’t escape. He was very adamant about having the gorilla.
On a regular, non COVID-19 sunny afternoon, I might have fully supported this funky idea. I might start to probe him with questions, like “what will we feed our gorilla?”, “should we give him a name?”, or “how will you play with the gorilla?”
But I didn’t today. I don’t know what about it made me shift the conversation. Maybe it was his body language or the way he was saying it at first angry and then on the verge of tears. Maybe it was just because of everything going on in the world right now. Whatever it was, in that split moment I changed my reaction.
I said we can’t have a gorilla in the softest voice I could muster.
“Why?” Those big brown eyes looked up at me. So I explained that we wouldn’t be able to give a gorilla a good life.
“Why?”
A gorilla needs space and other gorillas. A gorilla needs to explore and roam. A gorilla might not be happy here in our small backyard.
Now looking back on this, maybe this wasn’t the right direction to take this conversation. But I did and subconsciously I think I was egging him on to release those pent up emotions. I just saw those emotions waiting to come out. I saw it in his eyes and his posture and his tone. And I guess I thought instead of playing along if I shut it down, even softly, it might give him the opportunity to release. Maybe…
Expectantly, he got very upset. His adamant response was he wanted an animal in the yard. Hmm, he changed it to animal now. I felt like I was onto something.
So I simply repeated “you want an animal in the yard.”
“I really want an animal in the yard!”
“You really want an animal in the yard.”
I just kept acknowledging and repeating.
And then he said “I want an animal to be my friend.”
Bingo. I figured out where this was going.
It is not because of any magic recipe. It was because I know my son. Because I know what this past week was like compared to what any ‘normal’ week would be like for us. I have built a relationship of trust with him. I have spent almost 4 years now allowing him to be his whole (chaotic, beautiful, messy, emotional, real) self around me.
So I knew. We are in quarantine. He hasn’t seen any friends. He hasn’t been to school. He hasn’t had any play dates. He hasn’t gone to the library or some indoor playgrounds or any of our usual weekly outings.
So I said “you really want a friend to play with.”
And it was like some weight lifted off his shoulders. Physically. He melted down into my lap.
I kept going, which I only did based on his age and because I knew he could handle it right now amid all the heightened sadness. “You miss having someone to play with.”
More crying.
So I gave it one last go. “You haven’t seen your friends in a long time.”
And he finally said “yes”
We sat for about a minute. Then he got up and went to play with his brother. I could hear laughing. I could hear ease.
And there it is folks. My meager example of how we can gently but purposefuly hold space for our children during this weird time in all of our lives.
Of course this looks different in different situations. If he was melting down about something, let’s say maybe wanting more goldfish and I had said no, I would NOT have said those things about missing his friends. I would allow him to feel whatever anger he felt about wanting more goldfish, which might be anger at this situation we are in or maybe being a big brother or maybe just being tired. But I wouldn’t try to talk about it.
No, I had to really read the situation and know if he was ready for me to verbalize the things he was feeling. If he was ready to connect his feelings to the situation we are in.
You know your child the best. You know when they need to release and when they need your help releasing. You know how far to push it, when to have the conversation and when to simply be quiet and sit. You know if your child is just tired or if it’s something more than that.
All this isn’t to say that sometimes you don’t know these things. These are split second decisions that we have to make. Sometimes we are also dealing with another sibling. Sometimes we miss the cues. Sometimes our own cup is running so darn low that we just can’t be the patient wonderful parents who sit and roll the carpet for any and all feelings. I get that too. Oh the times I have really messed up these moments…
In the end, this style of parenting is about connection. As we sit at home, with nothing much else to be doing these days except being with our children, our family, and ourselves, let’s try to make these moments count.
Love and health to all of you.