When I became a mom, I was overwhelmed with the idea of play time. Making sure my son was entertained, as well as developing certain skills, was exhausting. All day long I would pick up toys and show my son how they worked, hence playing with him. I would build towers and show him how to push them down, push buttons and sing along for him, and stack rings in the correct order. I would place my son down with his toys and if he didn’t start playing right away I would bring the toys closer. I would go to events like baby story time at the library, picking my son up and down to the music like all the other moms. I figured as my son grows, becomes more aware and more mobile, then play time will get easier.
It didn’t.
I was still playing with all of his toys and still feeling more exhausted every day. Something didn’t feel right. It felt incredibly forced, like I was being pressured to play with him because I thought that was how we were supposed to play with babies.
And the problem definitely was not that we didn’t have enough things, because we did. We had all kinds of toys.
Toys that light up and play music
Toys that develop hand-eye coordination
Toys great for imaginative play
Interactive toys with smart stages that grow with baby
I could go on… but you get the point.
When I began learning about respectful parenting, I realized how I could let go of this idea I was stubbornly holding on to, the idea of playing with baby. I was looking at it all wrong.
This is when I got my aha moment, baby-led play.
You see, babies are motivated by all sorts of things that we don’t always understand. Simply placing your baby (on their back) in an area full of safe things is enough to get them going. Your baby will start playing with something, maybe not right away, but they will. Why force it?
As long as babies have our attention and are in a safe environment, they will play. This is because babies learn about their world through play, it’s in their nature. It’s about trusting and respecting your baby to lead their play time.
I trust my son to play with something for as long as he wants. I trust his choices. If he goes to one object and decides to leave it after less than a minute, who am I to bring it back to him and tell him to play longer? If he picks up a ball and plays with it for an hour (as he often does whenever we go to RIE class) before exploring the other objects, again why stop him? He must really like that ball!
I respect my son’s ability to play with a toy however he wants. When I got the Fisher-Price stacking tower for my son, my whole family and I would show him how to put the rings in order on the tower. What did my son want to do? He wanted to first eat the rings. When he was more mobile, he wanted to throw the rings across the floor to watch them roll away. I used to show him again and again how to place them on the tower. I think back on this and wonder how I could be so selfish. My son was amazed at the ability of the rings to roll away, and I was trying to take that away from him. Why? To build him hand-eye coordination according to the label on the box? The thing is, he was building hand-eye coordination in his own beautiful way.
When I taught high school math, I spent most of the time as a facilitator in my classroom. This meant stepping back, waiting, and observing my students working in their groups. I would never lead them in solving a problem. It was not about projecting my own agenda or ideas, it was about building off their ideas.
Sometimes this meant solving problems took longer. Actually… it often took longer. But when problems were solved, my students were able to truly own the moment. This is part of student-led teaching. And the result was resourceful and self aware students. Because I trusted my students to be able to learn with me facilitating rather than lecturing, they were encouraged to try new things and persevere.
Sometimes they didn’t quite answer the problem. And when I first trained to be a teacher this bothered me. But my mentor made me realize that ultimately the point of being a math teacher is not to get students to solve problems using preconceived equations. The point is to give students the tools to problem solve through several types of situations, to try out their ideas, possibly fail, and keep trying out more ideas. This is what will prepare them for life beyond school. This is better than teaching the pythagorean theorem and students asking me, “when will I ever need to know this?”
So my students didn’t always finish a problem. But there was so much math happening and so many ideas tried, that they were learning every step of the way.
I like to relate my teaching to my parenting style because baby-led play is very similar to student led teaching. I can sit back and let go, while my son discovers his toys in his own time and his own way. And the outcome is similar to that of my students. Since adopting RIE at home, my son has a longer attention span and much more perseverance. Even though I exchanged many of his toys for simpler items like bowls, tubes, containers, and rings, he will play for longer periods of time. And like my students, I don’t care if he doesn’t play with something correctly (like I mentioned above with his stacking tower). I don’t even care if he ‘finishes’ playing with a toy.
We do less, so that our kids do more. I mentioned this idea when introducing how I feed my son and how I change his diaper. With teaching, I did less so my students were doing the heavy lifting. Consequently, they were the ones learning. Play time is the same. I trust my son and he feels trusted to do what he wants and to figure toys out on his own.
The best part is that I now feel so relaxed!
- I don’t wave toys in front of him.
- I don’t check Pinterest for activity ideas
- I don’t take him to several classes during the week to entertain him
- I don’t worry about songs to sing or making him clap his hands
I just let go.
At this point you may wonder what is so wrong with playing with a baby. When we wave a toy and they happily crawl over, that can’t be a bad thing? My mom often questioned me about this, saying that my son seems so happy when she plays with him and shows him toys. He is enjoying it!
Well, of course he is. Babies will enjoy when you play with them. The problem is that they will begin to rely on this stimulation. This will grow into a habit of needing someone (or something) else to entertain them. This is also a distraction, and we should never mistake distraction for enjoyment.
Moreover, when we do this, we are ignoring the ideas that our children are trying to form on their own. We might think they are bored, but they may be about to come up with something. This is like sitting down to write a blog. I can feel all these ideas coming up, but then my husband walks in and begins talking to me, or the doorbell rings. I lose my train of thought. As an adult, I have the ability to block out external distractors (doorbell or phone), and the capacity to often get back to my ideas. Babies aren’t like that. They are run by their emotion and the stimuli will take over. Therefore as the parent we need to provide the space to nurture their ideas.
The last and probably most important part about baby-led play is that being forced to be an observer lets me learn about my baby. Every day I observe him and take in all his wonder. I try to see the world through his eyes and learn who he is as a person, what his personality is like.
And I have learned that, ironically, he too is an observer. When I set him down in a new place, he likes to wait and see what is happening before jumping in. He likes to people watch, and baby watch.
He likes to find one object that is fascinating to him for whatever reason at the time, and hold on to it for a while before exploring more. He likes to test objects out by banging them on hard surfaces to see what they are made of and what sound they make.
He likes lids, anything with a lid to open and close.
He likes scooting forward in a superman pose, using his toes to propel him forward, and holding something small in his hand.
He likes the way the sun goes through the shutters in his bedroom in the morning, and the pattern it makes on the wall.
Because of baby-led play, I am learning who my son is. And at 9 1/2 months old, he is incredible.