Tag: emotions

now is the time to allow all the emotions

Desere

Beautiful parents, we are living in strange times right now. A virus is taking the world by storm, and if you are like me you are living in mandatory quarantine.

Now I am not going to use this post to talk about what staying at home this past week was like. Instead I want to talk about emotions.

Whether we are shielding our children from everything going on in the news or exposing them to it all, they are definitely going to be feeling all the feels right now.

The world is going through something weird, something new, and something strange. People are at home when they usually wouldn’t be. People are losing work. People are stressed … and scared.

Our kids feel it, they sense it, and what they need now more than ever is the space to release some pent up emotions about it all.

I am not worried about our kids’ ability to adapt. As Teacher Tom put it, “Young children were built for this. Young children are the masters of learning from whatever life throws at them.” He writes more about this here and it’s fantastic.

No, what I am worried about is amid all this stress, we forget that our kids need us to hold space for them to release any and all emotions.

This is not new to respectful parenting. If anything I would say allowing and acknowledging little one’s emotions is a pillar of parenting with respect.

But we are human, and are dealing with a lot of unknowns right now. So maybe we all need a reminder.

Janet Lansbury’s famous idea has never been so crucial:

ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET TO WELCOME THESE EMOTIONS

But there is more to it than that. (of course there is)

You see part of building a respectful relationship with your child means knowing who your child is, as a person, and being able to read those cues that they have something to release. Discerning between situations where they simply need to release some rage/stress/sadness versus situations where a deeper, more meaningful conversation is in order. Of course the latter is more for older children.

This is about using certain phrasing to show you are there, not judging, and open. Realizing what they may be frustrated about and giving it words. Giving them language to use when they might not know why they are feeling this way at all.

My personal example from today (because maybe this will help you?):

We were playing in the backyard and my son (almost 4) said he wants us to have a gorilla. So of course I laughed a little and exclaimed, “A GORILLA?!” to play along. But he seemed serious. He took me and showed me where to put up a tall fence so the gorilla wouldn’t escape. He was very adamant about having the gorilla.

On a regular, non COVID-19 sunny afternoon, I might have fully supported this funky idea. I might start to probe him with questions, like “what will we feed our gorilla?”, “should we give him a name?”, or “how will you play with the gorilla?”

But I didn’t today. I don’t know what about it made me shift the conversation. Maybe it was his body language or the way he was saying it at first angry and then on the verge of tears. Maybe it was just because of everything going on in the world right now. Whatever it was, in that split moment I changed my reaction.

I said we can’t have a gorilla in the softest voice I could muster.

“Why?” Those big brown eyes looked up at me. So I explained that we wouldn’t be able to give a gorilla a good life.

“Why?”

A gorilla needs space and other gorillas. A gorilla needs to explore and roam. A gorilla might not be happy here in our small backyard.

Now looking back on this, maybe this wasn’t the right direction to take this conversation. But I did and subconsciously I think I was egging him on to release those pent up emotions. I just saw those emotions waiting to come out. I saw it in his eyes and his posture and his tone. And I guess I thought instead of playing along if I shut it down, even softly, it might give him the opportunity to release. Maybe…

Expectantly, he got very upset. His adamant response was he wanted an animal in the yard. Hmm, he changed it to animal now. I felt like I was onto something.

So I simply repeated “you want an animal in the yard.”

“I really want an animal in the yard!”

“You really want an animal in the yard.”

I just kept acknowledging and repeating.

And then he said “I want an animal to be my friend.”

Bingo. I figured out where this was going.

It is not because of any magic recipe. It was because I know my son. Because I know what this past week was like compared to what any ‘normal’ week would be like for us. I have built a relationship of trust with him. I have spent almost 4 years now allowing him to be his whole (chaotic, beautiful, messy, emotional, real) self around me.

So I knew. We are in quarantine. He hasn’t seen any friends. He hasn’t been to school. He hasn’t had any play dates. He hasn’t gone to the library or some indoor playgrounds or any of our usual weekly outings.

So I said “you really want a friend to play with.”

And it was like some weight lifted off his shoulders. Physically. He melted down into my lap.

I kept going, which I only did based on his age and because I knew he could handle it right now amid all the heightened sadness. “You miss having someone to play with.”

More crying.

So I gave it one last go. “You haven’t seen your friends in a long time.”

And he finally said “yes”

We sat for about a minute. Then he got up and went to play with his brother. I could hear laughing. I could hear ease.

And there it is folks. My meager example of how we can gently but purposefuly hold space for our children during this weird time in all of our lives.

Of course this looks different in different situations. If he was melting down about something, let’s say maybe wanting more goldfish and I had said no, I would NOT have said those things about missing his friends. I would allow him to feel whatever anger he felt about wanting more goldfish, which might be anger at this situation we are in or maybe being a big brother or maybe just being tired. But I wouldn’t try to talk about it.

No, I had to really read the situation and know if he was ready for me to verbalize the things he was feeling. If he was ready to connect his feelings to the situation we are in.

You know your child the best. You know when they need to release and when they need your help releasing. You know how far to push it, when to have the conversation and when to simply be quiet and sit. You know if your child is just tired or if it’s something more than that.

All this isn’t to say that sometimes you don’t know these things. These are split second decisions that we have to make. Sometimes we are also dealing with another sibling. Sometimes we miss the cues. Sometimes our own cup is running so darn low that we just can’t be the patient wonderful parents who sit and roll the carpet for any and all feelings. I get that too. Oh the times I have really messed up these moments…

In the end, this style of parenting is about connection. As we sit at home, with nothing much else to be doing these days except being with our children, our family, and ourselves, let’s try to make these moments count.

Love and health to all of you.

I get the worst of my kid’s behavior, it doesn’t mean I’ve failed

Desere

My return to writing was brought about by the feeling that I was hitting an ultimate low in my parenting. I was resentful and angry most of the day. I found it hard to truly enjoy my son’s presence. I felt like I was running through my day, every day. I was yelling at my son. I was constantly overwhelmed. I was exhausted. I thought I was doing everything wrong.

But then overnight, things suddenly… shifted. And I instantaneously felt better. I woke up feeling happy. I had an incredible day where I simply enjoyed the chaotic and beautiful person my son is.

And in my last post it was hard for me to describe exactly why things changed for me. However the next day I realized something that helps describe my altered state of mind. I began to explain in my first ever video you can watch on my facebook page here.

My aha was pretty simple: as my son’s primary caregiver I will always get his worst behavior.

This is something that I have always known, intellectually. I read about this in my parenting groups. I heard about it from fellow moms out there. But somehow I forgot it these past few weeks. I kept taking my son’s behavior so personal. I kept thinking because he was acting so horribly with me and at home, that meant he is a horrible kid and I am a horrible mother.

But him giving and showing me his worst has absolutely no bearing on who he is or my parenting. His less than ideal behavior does not mean I’ve failed. It does not mean the style of parenting I follow (RIE) doesn’t work. It does not mean that I need to carry his feelings on my shoulders all day.

And that revelation was a huge aha moment for me.

Our kids give us their worst because we are their safe space to do so. They use us as their release. When they are at school or with other adults, they have to follow all kinds of rules. Social rules. Academic rules. Cultural rules. Every place and every situation puts stress on them. They have very little control in most aspects of their life.

So they come home and unload on us.

The way they do so can be in the form of a meltdown, anger, or defiance. They can yell at us or just say no to everything we try to do. They may even seek out the opportunity to release by intentionally pushing our buttons or testing our limits.

Sometimes when we are home, I can feel Franky pushing me, like he is waiting for me to say no and hold my ground on something just so he can push back, meltdown, and get his release for the day. He wants to cry. He needs it. And I am the person that lets him do it.

Until I wasn’t…

The problem is that even knowing this has never made it easy during those moments. When you are with your child every day and everything just seems to be a struggle, getting out the door or eating a meal, cooperating with a sibling or brushing teeth, all these moments began to add up and weigh you down. It becomes incredibly difficult NOT to take it all personal. And that is exactly what I began doing.

I became a non safe space for him because I would be angry with him. I would yell at him. I would get frustrated with him. And so when he was showing me that he needed help, I would shut him down.

My kind, creative, wonderful little boy is going through so many changes every single day. His world is like on extreme hyperdrive. He has little to no impulse control (which becomes zero if he is tired or hungry or lonely). He has very little control over certain aspects of his day like schedule or going to school or bedtime. His body keeps changing. His life keeps changing. His little brother keeps changing. And his emotions keep changing. It is scary.

So when he would get angry or defiant, or have physical aggression toward his brother or me, he was really saying ‘please help I feel out of control.’ And no one who feels out of control wants to be met with more anger and frustration.

So this was the big shift for me. I began to see him for who he was. I saw that he was struggling and needed my help. This made it easier to remain calm when I needed him to do something, because it wasn’t getting to me. If he didn’t wash his hands after the potty and I asked him to do it once. I would pick him up and do it. I didn’t automatically get mad or go into a huge lecture explaining why we need to do so. He knows. I’ve already told him.

So I began accepting that I’m his safe space to simply release his emotions. I do not need to accept those emotions as my own. I do not need to fix them. I do not need to change them. I can carry on with what I need to do and his feelings simply are just that, his.

I am happy he feels safe to share them in my presence.

I want him to feel safe with me.

And ultimately, if that’s the price I pay for having an emotionally intelligent and resilient human being in the world, then so be it.

the meltdown meter

Desere

Meltdowns are a release.

Meltdowns are almost never about what you think they are about.

Last night my son had a huge meltdown before bath time. He did. not. want to get in the tub.

We do bath every night as part of his bedtime routine. Nothing was different tonight. Yet he cried and cried. He didn’t want to take off his clothes.

Most parents would chalk this up to a two year old being his terrible self, and having a meltdown. Having a meltdown over bath time.

But a RIE parent sees something else. 

My son was releasing. My sons ‘emotional meter’ was full. 

And so as my husband and I sat there, accepting our sons emotions, I began to reflect back on my day. And this is what I realized:

  • Frank wanted to play in our room but it was time to get dressed
  • He wanted to play with the buttons in the car but it was time to get in his car seat
  • He wanted to stay longer at a friends house but it was time to go home
  • He wanted to close the garage but I already did myself because of the rain
  • He wanted to play downstairs but it was time to go up and rest 
  • He wanted to play outside more but it was time for dinner
  • He wanted to blow out the Hanukkah candles but I kept stopping him

In these and so many other moments throughout the day, he didn’t get his way, and I could see his meter filling up. Slowly, surely, his emotional meter was rising.

Each time I had to demand my will over his, he would suck his thumb, and do what I needed him to do. Each time he needed me but I had to tend to his baby brother, the meter would rise.

It’s like I could stare in his eyes and see it rising. All day long.

Until… bath time. That’s when he wanted to play with our humidifier but it was time for bath. And instead of sucking his thumb and “accepting”, he had a melt down.

You see, parenting with respect means understanding our children in their entirety. My son is someone who is so small yet craving so much power over his life. So I can acknowledge how frustrating it must be to constantly forgo his own wants all day long. To constantly have to lose in the power struggles that inevitably arise between kid and parent. 

Two year olds aren’t terrible, they are beautiful. They have the perfect mechanism to release pent up frustration. The “meltdown”. 

And when we can see that that is all a meltdown is, then we can “roll out the red carpet” for their emotions, as Janet Lansbury likes to say.

technology and RIE

Desere3 Comments

Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).

im stressed

Desere1 Comment

I’m stressed!

Well… duh. I’m a mom. Of course I’m stressed. But that’s not what this post is about.

“I’m stressed” – thought by every toddler everywhere. And that might seem like an unusual thing to think about…

Because something we take for granted is the fact that toddlers who are incredibly powerful but incredibly small are constantly dealing with stress. They’re constantly dealing with power struggles, with things that they want to do but can’t. They want to go outside but can’t. They want to throw but are stopped. They want to scream but are shushed. They are constantly told ‘no’. And all of this puts stress on them.

So what do we do about this stress? I am not just going to let my son do whatever he wants so his life is less stressful, of course not. I have wants and needs as his mother and as a human too. However there are some things I can do to avoid adding more stress to my little guy’s life.

Predictability

The more predictable his daily routine is, the less stress I inflict. Eating meals at around the same time so our little one knows when to expect to be fed. Sleeping around the same time so our little ones don’t get over tired. These simple things often contribute to the toddler meltdowns we are all so familiar with and can often be readily avoided.

Furthermore, going somewhere new, meeting new people, joining new activities, all of this just adds to the stress. This doesn’t mean you can’t go anywhere ever. Just limit your outings to new places maybe once a week. And when you are deciding if somewhere is worth it, just remember to ask yourself who is this really for? (I talk more about this here)

Freedom

One thing that helps is making sure our kids have a yes space where they are completely free. A yes space is something referred to in RIE as a place in the home, preferably gated, that there are no “no’s”. In other words, everything is completely safe and free to be used whenever and however your child wants. This closed and safe space gives our kids the freedom to do what they need to do, whether it is to climb safely or bang objects on the floor or throw balls around. And strangely enough, having this space smaller than you would think, with less stuff, gives them the clarity and safety to continue playing for long periods of time.

And it is not enough just having this space, ensuring that your child spends most of their time in this space with open ended objects and minimal intervention from you is key.

Your child also deserves freedom in all settings, to a degree. Here I am talking about avoiding being the ‘helicopter parent’. Giving your child the space and the confidence in their abilities helps not put added stress to whatever situation they are in.

This week in class, my son and another boy were both climbing the wooden steps structure. The other boy started saying ‘no’ to my son and tried to push him off. The boy’s mom lunged forward to stop her son but the teacher stopped her. Instead of rushing over, the teacher firmly told the boy that he is pushing Frank and that is dangerous. The other boy instantly stopped and faced the teacher, listening to her words. My teacher later explained that using our voice commands enough attention and energy to help in these types of situations. Especially now that the kids are 1.5-2 years old. Using our bodies often commands too much energy, and only adds more stress to the situation. She said many times, when we lunge forward, we actually escalate the situation and can cause more damage.

Having confidence and minimal intervention really play a huge role in allowing our kids to problem solve, learn social cues, and gain trust in themselves as individuals.

Crying

Do you ever have those days where you just need a good cry? Not only do I have days like this, since becoming a mom this feeling is overwhelming sometimes. And I don’t want anything other than to just sit and cry it out.

Well sometimes… our kids need that too.

One time in my RIE class, one kid was playing with a toy bus and another kid kept taking it away from him. Every time the bus was taken, the kid would cry and cry. He was incredibly upset. And because of our history and experience with one another, because of the teacher’s familiarity with this toddler, she saw his upset as more than simply being hurt that his toy was being taken. He was using this time to cry as a real release, because of stress. And he felt SO much better after a good long cry.

Toddlers want things that other people have. Toddlers want to climb things that are dangerous. Toddlers don’t always get what they want and that’s stressful.

They really need moments to release this stress which is why it is so important to just let them cry. I know crying is uncomfortable, and it may seem like they are often crying over something that seems trivial. I know something inside just makes you want to stop them from crying as fast as possible. To show them something new or grab them and pick them up to distract them. However crying is a chance for our children to deal with big, and often new, emotions.

Sometimes when you change your mindset about something, you completely change how you react and feel about it as well. The moment we start thinking about toddlers as these little powerful beings who are just trying to figure out who they are, the more we see their crying and breakdowns as a release of the incredible stress they feel every day. We realize they are not trying to torture us as a parent, but are telling us things are too much and they don’t know how to deal with it right now. We realize our child is not bossy, they are just asserting their position because most of the time they can’t. We realize our child is not needy, they are just in a new place and maybe need some extra time with us before they are ready to go play.

Our job is not to try to ‘fix’ this but to accept that they really are new to this word and need us to be there for them. They need us to give them a safe and predictable daily routine, the freedom to be an energetic little human being, and sometimes just the space to let it all out when they need to.

So yea, your toddler is most likely stressed. But the most beautiful thing is no matter what happens, toddlers always get up and try again. They wake up the next day with a new perspective ready to tackle the world. They don’t hold grudges and they don’t take things personally. They cry and then move on. They live in the moment.

They are incredibly resourceful when it comes to listening to their bodies. They are in tune with what they need to be better again.  Maybe we need to learn a little something about stress management from them.