Tag: first two years

meltdowns are my fault too…

Desere1 Comment

Although I wrote about my steps to get through the wave of emotions that emanate from my 2 year old son, I find it important to ask myself, why am I here?

Why have I found myself in meltdown city, again?

Sometimes toddlers just need to release a lot of pent up emotions. I get that. They live in a world where they feel things strongly and can rarely verbalize exactly what they want. Even when they can say what they want or need, they aren’t always met with a “yes!” Their lives are often controlled by us, their care takers, and that is hard sometimes.

But other times, there are things that lead up to meltdown city.

This morning we took an extra long time to make our way downstairs. There was playing and exploring in my bedroom. I needed to take a shower which caused delays. My son is into moving his stool from room to room to play with the light switches. He kept saying he was hungry and wanted pancakes, but then would get distracted by something new. By the time we did everything we actually needed to get done (brush teeth, change diaper, new clothes), it was already later than normal and we were both hungry. Very hungry.

So we get downstairs, and now my son is on the verge. I can feel it in the air.

I rush him into his learning tower where he can stand at counter height and ‘help’ me cook. I hurry to bring out all the ingredients and start pouring things into the measuring cup so he can pour it into the big bowl. I am rushing. He feels it.

He is mixing and it is getting messy. I’m trying not to care.

He said he was done (mixing) and lifted the whisk out of the bowl to hand to me. The batter was dripping all over the counter and floor. I snapped, a little.

We were both on the verge…

I started the stove and got the batter ready to pour. My son started demanding the big spatula, but when given that one he demanded a different one. He then started crying for gold fish. I normally never give him snacks before breakfast but I caved. I felt  bad that we were taking so long to get breakfast going so I opened the cabinet of his snacks to hand him a small bowl of gold fish. Big mistake.

He sees all his snacks and starts changing his mind as fast as I can hand him things.

He throws his bowl on the floor. Gold fish everywhere.

Now I’m angry, trying to clean up the gold fish while simultaneously pouring batter on the pan and make those gosh darn pancakes already.

We were in meltdown city.

It was awful. It was a disaster.

And the worst part was that I led us there.

Reflecting back on this whole experience, I am shocked that I didn’t think from the beginning to just hand him a bagel and have that be our breakfast for today. My son loves plain bagels, and it takes less than a minute to prepare. I could have had him at his table, eating breakfast with a cup of milk in no time.

Maybe he would have insisted for pancakes since he did ask for them earlier, but I doubt it. Even so, I could have dealt with it in the moment. A simple “you really wanted pancakes but I prepared bagel for you this morning.”

Instead, I fumbled in the kitchen and went through the motions of cooking with him. Cooking is already an activity that is iffy because I am trying to ‘direct’ him a lot while allowing him the space to explore and learn in the kitchen. It’s not my favorite but my son really enjoys helping me prepare food.

That was my mistake. I led us through all the small setbacks that ultimately drove us to a meltdown. And I write “us” because I was hungry and angry and sad and exhausted too.

I am writing to make a promise to myself to be more aware in the moment. So much easier said than done. But I know that it is like a muscle that takes practice. I need to start being more conscious of the environment I am creating and avoid situations that could lead us to a meltdown. If I take too much time upstairs and he has already expressed his hunger => bagel breakfast. Simple.

Not really that simple. Actually parenting is never simple. And there are SO many moments throughout the day where we have to make split second decisions that can shape both of our emotional outcomes. That’s so hard. But maybe the act of physically writing about it will help me remember? It is so hard to be calm and rational in those moments though.

So the point of this blog post is to humbly spread awareness that sometimes we parents cause the meltdown. This is especially true when we are dealing with a hungry or tired child.

I don’t have an answer to stop this. I don’t have a “just do this and this and you can avoid meltdowns!” solution. But maybe we don’t need to stop it. Maybe it isn’t about avoiding meltdowns but more about being aware of why they happen and how to get through them in an emotionally healthy way?

 

when do children learn empathy?

Desere

We talk about empathy a lot in my RIE class. But I never witnessed this quality in my son. Until this week’s class.

At every class at least one mom takes the opportunity to leave her child and go to the restroom. My RIE teacher calls this our laboratory, a safe place to practice leaving our child knowing they will be supported and respected while we are gone. Not always, but many times the child left will cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child stops playing and watches.

I have watched as the child cries, another child begins to cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child crawls over and sits with the child until the parent comes back.

But my son never did any of these things.

My son always continues playing. There are times when he even starts giggling. Giggling, as in… he is so immersed in his play he is giggling over the crying.

Rarely he will glance over at the crying child.

But then this week… it happened.

A girl’s mom told her she was leaving. The girl began to cry. And my son instantly stopped playing.

I don’t know if it was because she was a girl. I don’t know if it was that he is now at the point in his life, with enough maturity, that he understands this type of suffering. But now, at just shy of 14 months of age, my son showed empathy. He kept walking over to the little girl, then backing away. He never took his eyes off her. There were moments when he made small noises, as if to match her cries? And then the mom came back and my son was pointing up at the mom as she walked through the door. It was as if he was saying “hey, she’s back, she’s back!”.  Perhaps signaling to the little girl?

But the girl was beyond the point of sadness because she couldn’t stop crying. She was unable to control her emotions, so the mama sat with her little girl on her lap.

I thought that this was it with my son, but it wasn’t. He kept checking in on them. He kept watching. The girl was still crying and Franky continued to feel for her.

At some point, my son went up to both mom and girl, and just barely, softly, touched the little girl’s hand. He then walked away. And the little girl stopped crying. She was watching Franky and soon enough was again ready to join him and the others.

It was just so beautiful and it was so sensitive.

My teacher has talked to us about how babies often cry when they hear crying because they have a sort of innate sense of empathy. But in the beginning this is just mimicking. At some point, it becomes more. Children really begin to understand that crying stems from a place of suffering, a place of sadness, that crying is not just noise. And this understanding establishes a true empathy within the child. Since this is a complex thing, it happens at a different stage for each child. And now, with careful observation and the perfect environment to allow such a situation to unfold, I believe my son achieved this quality.

Because of my background as a teacher, or maybe just my personality, I am always trying to learn more about RIE. I am particularly fascinated by what it looks like beyond the first two years. I ask my teacher and anyone I know who has raised their children with this philosophy, how does RIE look when our kids are teenagers? What sets RIE kids apart from non-RIE kids later on in life?

Well one of the things I often hear is compassion, because RIE is about relationship-based caring. RIE kids are just more compassionate. In preschool, elementary school, high school, and throughout their entire life.

I am not trying to say non-RIE kids can’t be compassionate. Of course some kids are and some kids aren’t. But this parenting philosophy allows kids the opportunity to develop compassion. It is because we let the kid cry and let the other kids see it. It is because we trust what kids are feeling to be real and authentic. It is because we create an environment that embraces emotion instead of stamping it out.

This is why RIE kids care more. They feel more. They are more.

And I think that such a beautiful thing!

babies have a bed time

Desere

Let’s be real, the only time I can run errands alone is late at night after Franky is asleep. Every now and then I say “Laila tov” (good night in Hebrew) to my son, eat dinner, and head out. That means I usually get to my destination of Target or some other store at around 8pm.

As I peruse the aisles, I can always hear the same noise. It doesn’t matter what day I go. It doesn’t matter if I am there at 7pm, 8pm, or 9pm.

Babies are crying. 

Oh, Desere. So niave. Babies cry, it’s normal. I wrote a whole post about normalizing and being comfortable with crying and sad feelings.

True. Crying is ok.

But as caretaker our job is not only to be there for our child when they cry, it is to figure out why they are sad and if it is something controllable, avoid it. For example, hunger and tiredness are completely avoidable. We are not perfect, obviously, but we can do our best to get our kids fed and in bed. (#fedandinbed)

Therefore, this crying I keep hearing late at night is 100% avoidable. Do you want to know how? Ready…

BABIES HAVE A BED TIME!

It’s a simple tenet of parenthood.

Whether you adhere to putting them in bed at a certain time or not, babies have an internal clock. At a certain time, different for everyone, they will be ready to sleep. If they are not in bed at that time, they will cry. This is biology.

I get it, we all want to be this mom:

Hitting the town.

Stars twinkling.

Baby in stroller, probably asleep and cute as ever.

Looking good.

Feeling good.

Bonus points: heals and slim dress

But this just doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen because babies have a bed time. And as hard as it is, we can’t always be selfish and go out late at night just because we want to. Especially not for the first two years. We gave that right up when we had our baby.

It is your prerogative to go out of course. To each their own.

But don’t give me those “Oh sorry I don’t know why she is crying” looks because it is so simple, your baby is tired.

I try to ignore it! I try to ignore it because unfortunately going out to run errands at night is sometimes the only alone time I get. It feels good to be out. It feels good to be alone. So I try to be happy and do my shopping. I pretend like I am a single gal shopping at 9pm like it’s a normal thing to do on a Tuesday night.

But I can’t ignore it. The mommy lens is permanent. I can’t take it off.

And that mommy lens is magnified with respectful parenting clip ons.

This means I see it all. I see the mom stuffing more and more snacks in her 18 month old’s hands so she will stop crying at 9:30 at night. I see the dad flipping the 8 month old boy in the air to get him to stop crying. I see the babies in their strollers, fighting the straps that are constraining their bodies from getting into a comfortable sleeping position. I see the bulging eyes because of the noise and the fluorescent lighting.

I also see the parents. I see the parents on their phones as their baby is crying. I see parents buying bikinis as their baby is crying. I see parents embarrassed that their baby is crying.

Don’t be embarrassed. Go home. This is not a parenting aha moment. Your baby is tired.

…

rant over

 

the first two years

Desere

I’ve been struggling with independent play since beginning to learn and implement RIE about 6 months ago.

I felt like whenever I needed to leave my son, after letting him know of course, it would be a toss up whether he would continue playing or stand and cry awaiting my return.

How can I enforce better independent play? After all, RIE speaks of growing a babies ability to play on their own into their toddler years and beyond. Independent play builds character. It builds creativity.

So why wasn’t it working every time?

If I sit in his play yard or in the same room, he will play without even glancing at me for what feels like forever. But I have to be there sitting with him.

Am I doing something wrong?

Then my RIE teacher said that for the first two years, the care giver really shouldn’t be doing anything that takes away their attention while the child plays.

Wait a second. Didn’t I write a whole post about how it is important for my child to respect my needs? Didn’t I speak to the importance of leaving them alone?

Well of course, we are human. If we need to use the restroom or even take a breather in another room, we are entitled to do so. But what my RIE teacher is referring to, is remembering that our job for the first two years is to set up a foundation. I wrote about this before. The first two years are about trying out these principles, and laying the groundwork for our children to be independent, to learn strength through struggle, to have manners while eating, and to listen to our words.

To build trust takes time. To fully build a foundation for the RIE characteristics to appear later on in our child … takes time.

This means that as the caregiver we need to entirely dedicate ourself to our child, as much as reasonably possible. When our child is awake, that is NOT the time to fold the laundry. It is NOT the time to clean the dishes. It is NOT the time to work on the computer.

Not for the first two years.

This applies to feeding as well, a topic I talk about a lot. And I talk about feeding a lot because anyone with a child knows, feeding becomes a big part of your life.

The other day I was speaking with a fellow RIE mom about how we feed our children on the floor, at their own little table, giving them all of our attention. And we both agreed that sometimes this feels weird. It feels weird because meals are often social events. In my culture, in most cultures actually, eating is a time to bond.

Therefore sometimes it feels weird that my son eats by himself on the floor. It feels weird to eat dinner with my husband while my son plays. Why not just put my son in his high chair so he can sit with my husband and I, and we can eat together as a family?

Because Desere, that’s not what I need to do for the first two years!

I am teaching my son how to eat right now. For the first two years, he needs me to focus on him. He needs me to pay attention. He needs me to make sure he is safe. He needs me to watch him pick up his glass cup full of water without dumping it on himself. He needs me to watch him use his little fork and spoon.

This is part of the sacrifice I need to make.

But only for the first two years!

When he is older, when he has learned how to eat and have manners while doing so, then OF COURSE we can sit together. We can do this because we have now laid the foundation of what it means to eat a meal.

RIE is often mistaken to only apply to the first two years of a child’s life. But this isn’t true. What RIE does is it gives parents the tools to build the character of their baby for his/her entire life. Many of these ‘tools’ take the first two years to build.

And I relate to this idea a lot because of how I used to teach. I used to think of myself as the type of teacher that was giving my students the tools to problem solve for their entire life. I didn’t care if my kids knew formulas or equations by heart, or if they could solve problems that looked like the problems I had exemplified on the white board.

What mattered to me was that when my students were facing problems in their life, when they were struggling, when they had to work with a group, that they had to tools to overcome these obstacles.

Similarly this respectful parenting philosophy gives us the tools (trust, respect, slowing down, etc) to help our kids develop. And many of these RIE tools require investment during the first two years.