A child climbs on a chair.
The mom runs over.
“No! Get off the chair.”
The child smiles.
A power struggle ensues.
The parent has a want. In the above example, the want is for the child to get down from the chair. And it may seem obvious to simply and matter of factly state that want to your child. But a command like this “get off the chair” along with our demeanor and volume can send so many messages to our child.
Remember, toddlers are stressed because their daily life is filled with wants they cannot pursue. When we behave like this they aren’t getting the real message. And the real message is simple. You are up high and it is unsafe. I feel uncomfortable and would like for you to get down.
Then why not just say so.
This is the difference between a direct command and an indirect command.
Direct command:
Get off the chair.
Indirect command:
I see you are up on the chair. You are very high. That is unsafe and I cannot let you climb that high. Can you get down yourself or do you need help?
Both convey the ultimate goal of getting the child down. But a direct command does not always work. Direct commands may succeed out of fear, and maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you want to show your child who is really in control. But when an adult yells or gets angry at a child, the child often smiles or laughs, which only makes the adult more mad. Children think it is funny when they get a reaction out of adults. They will probably do whatever they can to get another one. So the adult continues to get angry eventually grabbing the child and swinging them down.
What did all this accomplish?
Does the child now understand why they were told to get down?
Will they stop next time before climbing and think about whether they should continue?
The answer is no. They have no idea why mom (or dad or whoever) got so upset and why they were angrily picked up and swung down. If anything, this is fuel to do it again to get an understanding of why they are getting such a reaction from the adults around them.
Children are so new. We forget to really put ourselves in their shoes sometimes. They are learning EVERYTHING about how this world works and where they fit in. Something big like this happens and they instantly have so many unanswered questions. So the next day when they are back on that chair, they aren’t trying to piss us off, they are trying to understand.
If instead we really try to treat our children with the same respect we show adults, we would never think to act this way. We would say the truth, that we are concerned and that it is unsafe. We would see if the child can get down by themselves, which if they got up then they most certainly should be able to get back down. We help by guiding them down if needed. This could be holding their hand or placing a hand on their chest so they feel your presence. It could even be as simple as being close and telling them where to put their feet next.
The next step would be to stay close and block this action from happening again. Simply blocking and saying “that is unsafe I will not let you climb up there again.”
Ideally, they have a yes space in the home where they are safe to do whatever they want. Any unsafe things like chairs or whatnot are not in this space or are gated off.
The next step is to take your child’s behavior as a message. My kid really wants to climb. He is not trying to piss me off or hurt himself, he just wants to climb. Kids are just that… kids. They have biological needs. They are tiny but have oh so much energy. So yes, they really do need to climb and run and jump, daily!
The real question is, as my child’s caretaker, how can I safely address this need?
My teacher last week told us about a book she read recently on relationships. The book was about the research done by the Gottman Institute on reflective relationships and giving advice. The research found that before anyone should give advice to another person, they need to first truly put themselves in that person’s shoes. You need to understand where they are coming from, completely, before you can offer your opinion. This type of reflective relationship can be done by listening and acknowledging how a person is feeling first. I have talked about this idea a lot.
In respectful parenting this idea of first acknowledging our child’s wants and feelings is huge. Ultimately we are not dictators to our little ones. It is easy to forget this because they are so small and rely on us for so much. But because we are building a bond based on trust and respect, we do not force them to do things or make them do things. We give our advice, and hope through trust and respect that our children respond.
But they will only respond once they feel like someone understands them, someone is on their side. When they are not victimized or penalized for being… well for being a child who is new to our world.
You want to climb. You need to climb. I cannot let you climb on this chair because it is unsafe. The floor is very hard. Let’s go find somewhere safe for you to climb.