Tag: independent play

who are playgrounds for?

Desere

playground

[pley-ground]

noun

an area used for outdoor play or recreation, especially by children

Playgrounds are for our children right?

Have you been to one recently? Go. And tell me if your observations match mine.

I see parents micro managing their children’s ‘enjoyment’ of the playground.

“Climb up there.”

“Go down the big slide.”

“Why don’t you play over here?”

I see care takers on their phones the entire time.

I see moms walking their toddlers up the structures.

I hear parents asking their kids if they can go home because they (the parent) is hungry.

The swings are a love hate relationship.

There are directions for which slide to go down, and how.

Does reading any of this sound bizarre to you?

Playgrounds, of all places, should be a place for your child to have complete ownership. They should do as much, or as little, as they want. They should be able to play in the sand the entire time without glancing at the play structure. And they should be able to go down the same slide over and over, even ‘backwards’.

Why then do parents feel the need to control this experience?

Here is what I think:

1) fear

I know it is scary. But when you let your child explore the play structure in their own way, they are way more careful than you think. And if they aren’t, you don’t have to stand a mile away! You can stand there to make sure they don’t fall from any unsafe height.

I usually let my son climb the structure on his own but I stay nearby on the ground. I stand by any big openings. Occasionally my son comes to check out the openings and I tell him it is a very big drop. If he tries to come through, I stop him. But he has never tried.

2) mistrust of child’s capabilities

I find it astonishing when I see toddlers who are fully walking, being led up the play structure hand in hand by their parent. Even when your child can crawl, let them crawl up the structure alone. Giving them this space and trust is what will help them in turn learn to trust their own bodies. This is called body knowledge, and it needs to be learned.

Furthermore, your child needs to fall. That’s how they learn what it means to fall. I fully agree with Magda Gerber that “learning to fall, getting up again and moving on is the best preparation for life.”

The problem is that a lack of body knowledge is a consequence of never letting your child learn about their bodies. If for their entire life, you have been there aiding your child to sit up, stand, walk, go down steps, etc, then you have officially become an enabler to your child. They feel like they can do these things because they have always had your hand and help. Unfortunately this means they never fully learned their own body’s capacity of doing these things on their own. They haven’t fully mastered balancing. They haven’t felt the gravity push them down each step. And because of this, they probably won’t be very safe on top of play structures. In that case, I can see why a care-taker may want to hold a child’s hand and be next to them every step of the way.

But that sucks. It sucks for the child. It sucks for you! Don’t you want a break?

3) inability to let go

I was at the park the other day and my son was playing with a bunch of toys in the sand. Another little boy walked over to play and his dad immediately stopped him and said “we didn’t come here to play in the sand” while leading him up to the structure. But doesn’t that just sound so absurd? His son wanted to play in the sand. Is it really so hard to let go?

I hear parents complain all the time about being tired, about running out of things to do with their child, about not knowing how else to entertain their 2 year old. None of these things need be an issue if we just learned to let go a bit. I go to the park every morning. Why? Not only does my son LOVE being outdoors, but this is also the best break ever! I get to sit under a tree or walk barefoot in the grass while my son does whatever he wants to. Sometimes he is climbing, sometimes he is sitting in the sand and not moving, sometimes he walks around, and sometimes he is next to me for a long time. No matter what, I am at peace.

I think that is the hardest thing for some parents, because being at peace means letting go. Let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how’ children should play. Let go of the idea that if you don’t lead them they won’t get the most out of the experience. Let go of the stress.

Your child IS getting the most out of the experience, regardless of what they are doing. Trust them. Trust yourself. You are enough.

 

leaving your child for a few min

Desere1 Comment

I wrote my last post on the dangers of screens, and the questions I believe you should be asking yourself when you believe you cannot leave your child alone without a screen.

Then I decided to write down how I go about having some alone time throughout the day, whether it is for the bathroom or simply self care like drinking some tea by myself.

1. Set up a space that is safe for your child to be left in alone. I call this “the safe zone.” But most of the RIE community refers to this as a “yes space” because it is a space your child has no “no’s”, a space they can play in however they like. Use a play pen. Use gates at the door. Locking your child in is not cruel, it is necessary. Children CRAVE boundaries, both emotional and physical boundaries. Giving them too much space, too many toys, too much power is overwhelming. And that overwhelming feeling is what causes them to act out. Less toys, and open ended toys,  will allow your child to play for longer periods of time. To see my son’s safe zone, see the featured image at the top of this post.

2. Give Warnings. Tell your child what you are going to do before doing it. Don’t get up. Don’t move. Get your child’s attention and speak to them like an adult. I like to give two warnings before I actually leave. “In a few minutes I am going to go eat my breakfast.” Then “In one minute I’m going to go eat.”

3. Tell your child you are leaving and when you will be back. “I am now going to go eat breakfast. I will come back in a few minutes.” Again do this before moving and make sure you have your child’s attention. I have personally made the mistake of saying this too fast and leaving before making sure my son was looking and paying attention to my words because he was so engrossed in his play. Then when I left he freaked out, he never really heard me and I was too focused on leaving to realize that.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE feelings. Your child might not even bat an eye when you leave. Your child might cry hysterically. Either way, acknowledge it and go. “You really don’t want me to leave right now. I hear you. I am going to eat because I am really hungry, but I will come back in a few minutes.” Doing this means you BOTH can move on. Your child feels heard and can therefore (maybe not right away) emotionally move on. And you can physically move on to whatever you need to do.

5. Come back. This is where the trust gets built. You said you were leaving, and that you will be back in a few minutes. Then you came back in a few minutes. Therefore your child learns your words carry value. Next time when you say you will be back your child will hear that and remember it is true. Again, this does not mean they won’t protest. But that is their right.

6. Don’t act like the savior. When you get back, and this is important, don’t act like you are back to save the day. If your child cried the entire time you were gone (which will happen sometimes), when you get back simply sit down, give a hug, and say “You really didn’t like that I left. I am back now.” And let him/her release whatever emotions are still left. Just sit there. You don’t need to scoop up your child when you get back and act like “HERE I AM!”. You don’t need to be the savior that came back to fix your child’s crying.

Lastly, these things take time. Building a relationship with your child, with anyone, takes time. No real relationship can be forged in one day. So follow my steps, don’t back down, don’t give up, and be patient. Some days it will be better. Some days it won’t.

My son is a little past 2 years old and still, some days he cries and protests for me to stay in his safe zone. I acknowledge but I still go. Because I am teaching him that I am also worthy of respect, and that I need to take care of myself too. I am modeling how certain things are a priority so that he grows up knowing he is also worthy of respect and self care.

You don’t need a screen to be there for your child when you aren’t. Trust me, your child can be left alone as long as you set him up for success.

I hope you know I fully support you and believe you can do it. This is not easy. But parenting is not easy and should not be easy. It is easy to use the screen. It is not easy to listen to your child cry for 10 minutes while you are in the bathroom, or cry for 30 minutes while you cook dinner.

None of RIE is easy. But it’s worth it. Work hard now so that you have an easier time later. Put in the effort now to acknowledge feelings now so that you raise an adult who is emotionally intelligent. Give your child the tools now to be alone so that they grow to be resilient and self-sufficient. Give your child passive toys like blocks and bowls now and baskets and balls so that they can build up their attention span and problem solve.

Also being able to leave my son has been INVALUABLE since having my second son a couple months ago.

You can do this… and let me know how I can help!

technology and RIE

Desere3 Comments

Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).

the first two years

Desere

I’ve been struggling with independent play since beginning to learn and implement RIE about 6 months ago.

I felt like whenever I needed to leave my son, after letting him know of course, it would be a toss up whether he would continue playing or stand and cry awaiting my return.

How can I enforce better independent play? After all, RIE speaks of growing a babies ability to play on their own into their toddler years and beyond. Independent play builds character. It builds creativity.

So why wasn’t it working every time?

If I sit in his play yard or in the same room, he will play without even glancing at me for what feels like forever. But I have to be there sitting with him.

Am I doing something wrong?

Then my RIE teacher said that for the first two years, the care giver really shouldn’t be doing anything that takes away their attention while the child plays.

Wait a second. Didn’t I write a whole post about how it is important for my child to respect my needs? Didn’t I speak to the importance of leaving them alone?

Well of course, we are human. If we need to use the restroom or even take a breather in another room, we are entitled to do so. But what my RIE teacher is referring to, is remembering that our job for the first two years is to set up a foundation. I wrote about this before. The first two years are about trying out these principles, and laying the groundwork for our children to be independent, to learn strength through struggle, to have manners while eating, and to listen to our words.

To build trust takes time. To fully build a foundation for the RIE characteristics to appear later on in our child … takes time.

This means that as the caregiver we need to entirely dedicate ourself to our child, as much as reasonably possible. When our child is awake, that is NOT the time to fold the laundry. It is NOT the time to clean the dishes. It is NOT the time to work on the computer.

Not for the first two years.

This applies to feeding as well, a topic I talk about a lot. And I talk about feeding a lot because anyone with a child knows, feeding becomes a big part of your life.

The other day I was speaking with a fellow RIE mom about how we feed our children on the floor, at their own little table, giving them all of our attention. And we both agreed that sometimes this feels weird. It feels weird because meals are often social events. In my culture, in most cultures actually, eating is a time to bond.

Therefore sometimes it feels weird that my son eats by himself on the floor. It feels weird to eat dinner with my husband while my son plays. Why not just put my son in his high chair so he can sit with my husband and I, and we can eat together as a family?

Because Desere, that’s not what I need to do for the first two years!

I am teaching my son how to eat right now. For the first two years, he needs me to focus on him. He needs me to pay attention. He needs me to make sure he is safe. He needs me to watch him pick up his glass cup full of water without dumping it on himself. He needs me to watch him use his little fork and spoon.

This is part of the sacrifice I need to make.

But only for the first two years!

When he is older, when he has learned how to eat and have manners while doing so, then OF COURSE we can sit together. We can do this because we have now laid the foundation of what it means to eat a meal.

RIE is often mistaken to only apply to the first two years of a child’s life. But this isn’t true. What RIE does is it gives parents the tools to build the character of their baby for his/her entire life. Many of these ‘tools’ take the first two years to build.

And I relate to this idea a lot because of how I used to teach. I used to think of myself as the type of teacher that was giving my students the tools to problem solve for their entire life. I didn’t care if my kids knew formulas or equations by heart, or if they could solve problems that looked like the problems I had exemplified on the white board.

What mattered to me was that when my students were facing problems in their life, when they were struggling, when they had to work with a group, that they had to tools to overcome these obstacles.

Similarly this respectful parenting philosophy gives us the tools (trust, respect, slowing down, etc) to help our kids develop. And many of these RIE tools require investment during the first two years. 

attempting independent play

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When choosing to start this blog, I knew that I wanted to write about my experience following RIE and motherhood in general. I wanted to share the good and the bad. So far I have shared success stories: how I change my son’s diaper respectfully, how we communicate, how I feed him, etc. But not everything that I try works right away.

My last post was about baby-led play. One of the greatest things about baby-led play is that it promotes independent play. This is also one of the hardest things to implement.

Toddlers and kids generally have times during the day that they play on their own… but what about babies? I can’t tell you how often my mommy friends are telling me they can’t even leave the room without their baby crying for them to return. Top that with some typical separation anxiety around the 9 month mark… and you basically find yourself doing nothing during the day but being with your little one.

Since finding RIE however, I have been slowly but surely building my son’s ability to independently play.

I started with short bursts of me being gone.

“Franky, I am going to throw something away and I’ll be back in 1 minute.”

I would leave the room, return, and most of the time he wouldn’t even notice my absence. Most of the time. There were times where he definitely did not like the fact that I was leaving, but I left anyway. It is ok for him to dislike what I am doing, and to tell me. In fact, it is healthy for him to get those feelings out so we can both move on.

So then I increased these outings to bathroom breaks.

“Franky, I am going to use the bathroom, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Again I would leave and generally he would continue playing.

Sweet… it’s working!

Next came showers. At first I was hesitant because let’s be real, showers can range from 5 minutes to 20 minutes depending on the day, mood, time, last meal Franky had, etc. But I wanted to promote his ability to play on his own, and I really hated scheduling my showers based on when my husband was home or after my son was asleep.

So yesterday morning, I tried it. I try to keep everything about his morning ritual the same. He woke up, I breastfed him, let him explore his window and some of the items on his dresser, changed his diaper, dressed him, and to the floor we went to play with some objects. After a few minutes of watching him immersed in his play, I said “Franky, I am going to go shower. I will be back in about 10 minutes.”

I made sure to close the gate that leads downstairs. I closed our bedroom door and bathroom door. IF he would leave his room, he would be in a hallway with nowhere else to go. Safe enough?

After propping my phone with the camera so I could watch while showering, I jumped in. It felt like I was checking the camera every few seconds. But there he was, in his room, playing and reading his books.

I could feel myself rushing, but I stopped myself. I am allowed to take care of myself! I am allowed to take a few minutes to clean my body and feel refreshed.

I slowed down.

After my shower, I dried myself, put some clothes on, brushed my hair… Franky was still playing in his room.

I did it folks… I hit the baby lottery. I could go and shower every morning and my 10 month old would just play in his room. This was amazing!

So naturally, this morning, I tried it again.

He woke up, I breastfed him, let him explore his window and the items on his dresser, changed his diaper, dressed him, and we sat on the floor of his room with his toys.

“Franky, I am going to go shower. I will be back in about 10 minutes.”

Closed the gate.

Closed the doors in the hallway.

Jumped in the shower.

I checked the camera and Franky was leaving his room! Ok, maybe he will just check out the hallway, see no doors open and nowhere to go, and go back to his room?

Definitely not. He came to the bathroom door, could obviously hear me showering inside, and was banging on the door.

I kept showering, but definitely rushing this time. I yelled out that I hear him and will be done soon.

So, this was a failed attempt at independent play. I guess I have to either close his door so that he cannot leave his room, or put a gate on his door. But will this really fix anything?

We have a wooden play pen in the living room. It’s actually the one I had when I was a baby, and my mom kept it for me. This is the closest one I could find online to what I have (mine is slightly larger):

Anyway, this is perfect for creating a safe space for Franky to play when I need to run to the restroom or especially when I am cooking. We don’t live in a huge place. The kitchen, dining room, and living room is one big open area, so it is very hard to cook with Franky crawling around my feet.

When I need him to be in there, I always first go in with him. I wait a few minutes, just like in the morning when we are in his room, and then I tell him I am going to cook now.

There are times he plays in that play pen without a care in the world for me or anyone else. He will go from toy to toy or look at his books. Sometimes I finish dinner and my husband and I will eat, while Franky is still playing along. He might climb up to stand along the pen, see me or show me something he has in his hand, and then promptly return to his playing.

But there are also times that the moment I go to start cooking, he is standing, holding onto the pen, and just looking at me the entire time. He will whine and fuss for me to get him, but I just keep calmly letting him know that I am cooking and it is not safe for him in the kitchen.

So there is no perfect recipe for having your baby play on their own. I obviously haven’t mastered it. I can tell you that since learning about RIE and stepping back while my son plays (baby-led play), I have noticed that he will play on his own for much longer periods of time. It just doesn’t happen all the time. And that’s ok too.

I think it’s about give and take.

Most of the day, I am giving myself to my son. Even though I don’t play with him, I am still sitting with him and focusing on him. When he looks at me I will comment what I see or what object he has. I try to never touch my phone when he is awake. During diaper changes or feedings I talk to him and give him 100 % attention.

This behavior of giving attention to him most of the day, is what allows me then, to take. I take time for myself during the day. I take time to use the restroom or brush my hair. I take time to cook dinner. I occasionally take time to check my phone or return a few texts. And I’m not going to stop. I am not going to feel guilty for having moments of self-care. If we didn’t take these moments, we would go crazy. (and some moms do!)

So I do things for myself and my son is learning to confidently play on his own because he knows the rest of the time I will be there with him.

Give, and take.