Being a mom has taught me a lot about relationships. My relationship with my husband, my parents, and my friends changed, because I changed. And I expected this to happen because I knew being a mom would change everything.
But the one relationship I never really thought about before having my son, was the one I would have with him.
Over the past year I have been developing a relationship with him that was mostly based on his dependence on me. He depended on me for food and to maintain his sleep schedule. He depended on me for love and affection.
Furthermore adopting RIE into my parenting meant that I tried to base the relationship I have with my son on respect.
But now that Frank is one year old, I realized that it’s not enough for me to respect my son. I want a relationship based on mutual respect.
Well, what does a mutually respectful relationship look like with a one year old?
I think I show Franky respect when I give him space to play on his own (baby led play), when I tell him what I am going to do before I do it, when I ask for his help when changing his diaper, or when I think about his needs before taking him places.
I am teaching him to build respect for me when I leave him to shower, use the bathroom, or cook dinner. Because as a self-caring adult, I need to do these things during the day. And as a self respected mother, I refuse to give up these self caring acts, nor do I think I should have to.
And I really think leaving him briefly during the day to take care of myself, is teaching him to respect me and my needs.
So my advice for you to have this type of mutually respectful relationship with your baby or young toddler, is to leave them alone.
Don’t be with your baby or carry them around all day. In other words, attachment parenting is not recommended, it provides a false sense of presence. You will not be there by their side forever, that’s not how life works. Your child has the right to learn this.
Furthermore, your child has the right to learn how to be alone, that being alone for a few minutes is ok and that you will return (because you always do).
We build trust with our babies when we tell them “I will be back in a few minutes”, and then we actually come back. This idea takes time for babies to develop, of course. It relates to psychological development known as object permanence, I still exist even though you cannot see me. But there is no reason or harm in starting when they are little.
In fact there is countless research that shows as long as you are present with your child during the day, really present, there is no proof that they feel fear or abandonment when you are not there.
This brings me to my next point, sleep.
You cannot make someone sleep. You cannot make someone eat. You cannot make someone leave you to play with others. These actions require readiness, and your child will do them when they are ready.
Today in RIE class we talked a lot about sleep, specifically what happens when our child begins waking up during the night after months of being a great sleeper. What is triggering them to wake up? What is the respectful approach to handling them at that time?
We talked about different strategies on what to do. One mom recommended the happy sleeper method, and our teacher discussed the issues of using any one cookie-cutter method.
Babies wake up for all sorts of reasons, teething, a loud noise, stomach ache, hungry, over-tired, change in routine, developmental milestone, etc. We cannot treat every reason the same. We can, however, remember that we have needs as well. It is unreasonable to go in every hour, or for every cry. It is unreasonable to create crutches, tricks that our children rely on to fall back asleep (rocking, nursing, singing …) Remember, we deserve respect too. And no self-respected adult should go night after night losing sleep for no reason.
So instead we provide the timing and place for sleep. We provide a predictable routine. We acknowledge. And most importantly, we leave.
When it’s around 6:15 and I have completed the bedtime routine that I do every night, I tell my son that I’m going to place him in his crib and then lay him down. I tell him I love him, that I’ll be downstairs, and that when he wakes up I’ll be here. And I leave.
If during the night he cries for longer than a minute, I return and acknowledge. Remember, I am not a fan of the ‘cry it out method’. Instead I go in his room and say something like, “I see how hard this is for you, but this is resting time. I love you. I am going to go back outside.” I rub his back for a few minutes and sometimes even blow him a kiss as I leave.
I return because I love him.
I acknowledge because I respect him.
I leave because I respect him so much that I want him to learn how to sleep, and fall asleep, on his own.
My biggest weakness was nursing my son back to sleep. I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, because there were months (like when Frank started standing) where he would wake up twice or three times. After our pediatrician reaffirmed that at this age, they do not wake up because of hunger, I decided enough was enough. I am going to leave my baby alone.
And I think, actually I hope, that he is learning his body and how to put himself back to sleep without me. I hope that he also respects me for giving him the space to be able to figure this out on his own.