My son is throwing things. Everything.
At just beyond 15 months old he is entering a serious limit testing stage. He knows I am not ok with him throwing, yet everyday he throws things again and again.
So the issue is, how do I handle this?
In my RIE class if anyone starts to throw, the teacher says “You are throwing this (cup, bowl, ring, etc.) but it is hard and unsafe to throw. You can throw a ball.” If the kid keeps trying, the teacher usually gets up, gets a ball and brings it to the kid and says again “I will not let you throw.” She blocks his hand from throwing the object. She holds out the ball and tells the kid “this ball is safe to throw.” Often enough, the kid takes the ball and throws it.
Ok, easy enough to start doing at home. So I did, and it kind of works. I tell my son that whatever object he is holding is unsafe to throw and that I will not let him. He usually continues to try to throw it despite my hand blocking him, and he sometimes succeeds. I’m sure if I grabbed his wrist or yanked the object away from him I would be more successful, but that is not in line with respectful parenting. There should never be a moment you stop violence with violence. And yanking a kid’s wrist, no matter how “softly” you try to do it, is violent. The most respectful but impactful thing is to place your hand in the way and block.
That is, hand is flat, hand is up, and you are blocking whatever action you are trying to stop. Kind of like blocking in basketball…
I’ll admit, I get really bothered by him throwing things. I try to stay calm and be consistent as I hold the limit. But I can feel myself getting angry and hot inside. I keep reminding myself that he is just learning who he is. He is testing his power, he is growing every day so much. He has all this new energy all the time and is trying to figure out what to do with it. He isn’t purposefully and maliciously throwing objects around.
He isn’t trying to make me angry. He just really wants to throw. And I think that is the piece I am missing when redirecting him at home. His want.
Coincidently (or not) we talked more about this in this week’s class. You see, it is not enough to tell my son that I won’t let him throw the object because it is unsafe. I need to acknowledge his need.
“You really want to throw right now.”
“You really need to throw right now.”
“I can’t let you throw because it is unsafe, because it is heavy.”
“I won’t let you hurt anyone.”
My teacher calls this, the meeting of the minds. First, I acknowledge that you really want to throw that. Then I let you know that I really don’t want you to throw that. He has a want that I am acknowledging, and I have a want that I hope he acknowledges as well. Meeting halfway.
As adults we know that every relationship is a two-way street. The same goes with our toddlers. This is not a totalitarian regime. I am not his all-mighty dictator. I am building a respectful and strong relationship. I am using trust and communication to teach my son how to navigate this new world of his. I am speaking with authentic words because I believe in the power of words. I am modeling non-aggression with non-aggression.
Is it easy? No way.
I often have to sit close to him so that I can keep blocking him from throwing unsafe objects.
And he is still throwing stuff. Every. Single. Day.
But that’s ok. He is a kid. He is a unique person who is learning who he is and what his place is. My job is to hold limits with confidence because that’s what he needs, a confident care-taker who is keeping him safe.
Respectful parenting isn’t permissive parenting. My son is not getting away with things because I want to be a ‘respectful nice mom’. The difference between this type of parenting style is that I am first accepting his behavior for what it is. I am not trying to shame him or punish him. I am not trying to teach him something beyond his cognitive abilities. He is throwing objects. That’s the fact. There are some things that are ok to throw and some things that aren’t.