Last week I talked about fear based parenting. Parents are struggling to allow feelings to exist and therefore react out of fear instead of holding the space for these feelings to be.
Let’s talk about when these feelings are super intense, and what you should do. Let’s talk about the ‘meltdown’.
I wanted to write about this specifically because my son has been having a lot of meltdowns lately, and I know how draining and exhausting it can be for a parent. So here is my advice to get you through those meltdowns, while following a respect-based parenting approach.
- acknowledge
- wait
- acknowledge and set the limit
- wait, wait, wait
Acknowledge
Acknowledging your child’s point of view NEEDS to be the first thing out of your mouth, always.
If your child starts with something like “I want that toy,” avoid the tempting desire to rebuttal. Don’t respond with “no” or “you can’t have that” or “I can’t get that for you” or whatever. I guarantee this will escalate the situation. From my recent developments with my son, the situation will escalate no matter what so don’t add fuel to the fire.
This is not the time to reason with your child. Toddlers cannot reason when they are feeling something strongly. They are not calm and they are not themselves. They don’t have the capability to stop their strong emotions yet. To assume they can sets everyone up for failure.
Make eye contact. Stop what you are doing and get down on their level. Then repeat what they say, word for word.
“I want that toy.” > “You want that toy.“
“I want a cookie” > “You want a cookie.“
“I want to go there.” > “You want to go there.“
Don’t imitate them. Whether they whine or yell, just repeat them but in your own natural, calm voice.
Wait
You acknowledged what they wanted, word for word. Now wait. Sometimes this is enough for your child to move on. Sometimes they just want to be heard. Don’t we all?
But sometimes this is not enough. And often, their response is either the same thing, “I want that toy!” or the more emphatic “I REALLY want that toy!”
Acknowledge and Set The Limit
Again, repeat what they say and now add your reasoning. Now is the time to set the limit, to put up a boundary.
“I REALLY want that toy!”
“You REALLY want that toy! I hear you. You cannot have that toy because it is not ours and we are leaving.“
“I REALLY want a cookie!”
“You REALLY want a cookie! I hear that. You cannot have a cookie because it is time to eat dinner and here are the meal options I have for you.“
Whatever your limit is, keep it simple and honest. Talk slow but don’t go on and on about why you are saying no.
Of course there should be a valid reason for your limit. Don’t push back just because. As parents we often find ourselves feeling like we need to say no so our child won’t become spoiled, or needy, or whiny. But what if my son wants something and there is no real reason to say no? Then what lesson am I teaching by saying no to just say no? Or what lesson am I teaching by saying no and lying about why?
Anyway assuming you have a valid reason and have set the limit. Now just wait out the storm…
Wait, Wait, Wait
Wait is a magic word in RIE parenting. We wait for our kids to hear us. We wait for our kids to feel what they feel and come out the other side. We give indirect commands by describing a situation and waiting for our kids to move. We wait for kids to work things out themselves. We RIE parents wait, a lot.
This is the hardest part for me personally. My son is crying hysterically and I am sitting on the floor waiting. I am seeing all of his rage and it is so hard not to take that onto my shoulders as well. It is hard for my heart not to hurt to see him so lost within himself that he cannot breath because he is crying so hard. But I wait. I wait it out. And that is what you need to do too.
This could take a few minutes (lucky you!) or an hour. And if you are like me that means you are sitting in the garage on the floor for an hour waiting for your son to calm down. It sucks, but nothing good comes out of getting angry or mad or sad about it. My little human is figuring out what to do with the HUGE emotion he is feeling. The last thing he needs seeing me lose it and then try to figure out how to deal with that too.
You are the parent, you are their calm. You are the adult, you are the model.
You don’t need to keep repeating your limit either. Remember, your child can hear you. Your child heard the limit you set when you said they cannot have whatever they want. It is only demeaning to continue repeating that limit. Hold the limit by just sitting and waiting.
Your proximity is physically letting them know you are there for them emotionally. You are using your body language to let your child know that you are not backing down or ignoring them, but that you are holding true to what you said earlier and are there for them to release how they feel about it.
I like to open my arms to see if my son wants to be held. He usually only backs up further into the nearest corner. I know my son is done with his ‘meltdown’ when he finally does comes to me and lets me hug him. But every child is different, of course. The point is, be there for your child while they feel the wave of their emotion, in whatever way they need.
The last thought I will leave you with is the idea that because we too are human, we have emotional triggers. As Rachel, a fellow respectful parenting blogger describes, “Triggers are those things that when your child does/says/feels them, you have an involuntary negative response.” She continues “The most important part of parenting with triggers is remembering that you’re NOT having a reaction because your child is behaving a certain way. You’re having a reaction because of what that behavior means to you and that is triggered from your own past experiences!”
So when you find yourself in meltdown city, try to distance yourself from your own triggers and let the storm pass.
You can read about what Rachel recommends to do about triggers here, I highly recommend it.
