Tag: motherhood

self advocating

Desere

One of the biggest things I tried to teach my students when teaching high school was to self advocate. If you need help, get it. If you have a question, ask it. If you have an idea, share it. I used to tell them to take ownership of their education. Being transparent, I told them, there are 30 of you and one of me, so make your voice heard.

I believe self advocacy skills are incredibly important. As a mom, I want my children to be able to articulate their needs and learn how to make decisions about their own life.

The thing is, as their primary caretaker it is my job to advocate on behalf of my children right now, and that is really hard.

This parenting philosophy that I follow, RIE, is different. And because it is different I often find myself in situations with other moms and other families where I need to advocate for what I believe is best for my son.

I was at the park and my friend put her daughter, same age as my son, in the toddler swing. Franky walked over and was watching his friend being swung. He touched the other toddler swing. The mom told me to put Franky in as well. So I explained that I don’t put Franky into places he can’t get into himself. But this mom persisted on telling me that my son is obviously asking to get in the swing. I knew what felt right in my heart, but standing up to this mom was tough.

Bending down and acknowledging my son while he whined about the swing, letting him know that I hear him, telling him he can continue playing with the swing the way he was, all while the mom was watching me… was all so tough.

Some may argue to just put him on the swing but I really don’t believe in doing that. I believe in giving my child the opportunity to learn physical awareness and he does that by testing his own limits on what he can and cannot do. Ever since he was little, I never put him into positions he cannot get into himself. This way, he is never in a position he cannot get out of himself. This is a strong aspect of RIE and I believe in it. So I held out.

But did I mention how hard it was?

Now, anyone who knows me knows I am a pretty outspoken person. Yet when it comes to parenting, I don’t always feel outspoken about my beliefs. With parenting, everyone and anyone has an opinion. And moms so often feel judged because no matter what we do or believe in, someone has something to say about it.

And I think that’s what makes my self-advocating, as a mother, really difficult.

The other day we were at a family’s house. The parents began telling us about a new video game they bought that was really fun for adults and kids. They got so excited telling us about it they decided to show us. So they turned on the TV and began playing.

I never mentioned this on my blog before but I believe in screen-free parenting. 100% screen free. Franky has obviously seen the tv when out and about, but at home we never have it on. So when that giant screen went on, my son stopped playing and became a zombie in front of it. Now maybe if he did that for a minute or so and then continued playing, I would have let it go. But my son just stood there transfixed, and I really didn’t want our time with this family to be spent with my son glued to this new and fascinating thing.

I knew I had to say something but I was so nervous. Several adults and kids were playing the video game. Everyone was having a good time. I knew that by saying something I was going to kill the vibe….

I pulled the mom aside and began to explain. I was trying to put a lot of effort into my words, because I didn’t want to come off as judging her for her choices. I just wanted my voice heard. So literally feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, I stumbled out the words that we don’t do any screens with Franky. I told her if they can turn the TV off I would be greatly appreciative.

Now, of course this mom completely understood and turned the tv off. But it was so awkward. And why?

Why was it so awkward and hard for me to advocate for my views. I mean, isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to stand up for our kids, all the time!? But how do we stand up to other moms who are also struggling to figure out what they are doing on the day to day?

I am still struggling to understand where my insecurities come from. These are the things that truly make parenthood so hard.

And above all else, the hardest part is knowing that I am the biggest model for my son. If I want him to grow up standing up for what he wants and needs, he needs to see me doing the same. So in light of the new year and people talking about their resolutions, here is mine:

I hope to continue and stand up for my son, for whatever I feel is best for him.

I hope for the strength to advocate for what I believe is right, even if no one in the room agrees. 

I have seen the outcomes of my choices. I have seen the result of screen free and respectful parenting. I believe in what I am doing…

So I guess, in a way, writing about my parenting style is my own way of self advocating.

bedtime part 2

Desere1 Comment

Last week I wrote a whole post about babies having a bedtime. Basically I vented about when I go out late at night, I see too many babies and families, the babies are crying, and from my interpretations, the crying is tiredness.

But before I dive into the deeper issues of not adhering to a baby’s bedtime, I want to first clear up any issues I may have caused by writing my little rant the other week.

Now motherhood is hard. And I am not saying that in the cliche way that we hear all the time. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the whole world and unfortunately you only really understand this once you become a mother yourself. Therefore the last thing I ever want to do to you, my readers, is place judgment on you as a mother.  Motherhood is hard enough without judgment and critiquing.

That being said, my blog is about respect. Specifically respecting babies. My goal is to write about a parenting style that is centered on the idea that babies are capable, understand us, and are worthy of trust and respect.

That being said, there are exceptions. Because we are human. And we are not perfect. And we aren’t supposed to be perfect. So…

You have no one to watch the baby and need to run out for last minute errands. I am not judging you.

You go out all day, maybe with friends. You enjoy yourself and miss baby’s bedtime. I am not judging you.

You work everyday, get home late, want to spend time with your kids but also need to get groceries or buy some clothes. I am not judging you.

Now, if this is something you do on the daily then yea I am passing a little judgment. The instances I described in my last post didn’t seem like a once in a while venture out to Target. The parents were ignoring or trying to shush their crying baby so they could dilly dally on their phones and peruse the store. And I simply don’t believe that is in the best interest of their child.

I say this because I see babies as more than they are.

And that’s the whole point of this site. I want to open your eyes, too. I want you to see your baby for more than they are. I want you to sit back and watch your baby “play“. I want you to wait and let your baby struggle before ‘saving’ them. I want you to talk to your baby while doing things to them like picking them up or changing their diaper. Because when you do this, when you really start to create habits like these, babies become more than babies. You will start to see them as whole beings. And once you see them this way, you start to feel for them more. You start to question whether the mentality of “oh he is just a baby it’s fine” is the best way of thinking about things. You start to wonder “would I want anyone treating me like that?” And once you see your baby and all babies like this, you can’t turn it off.

My goal is not to place judgement on you as a mother. When I wrote my last post, even when I wrote about not taking babies to Disneyland, I am describing what I see from the baby’s perspective. And I am doing this to help you see it as well.

I am a teacher at heart after all. Even though I am not RIE certified or credentialed in early childhood development, I believe I can still teach you. I can teach you how I empowered high school students in a subject most adults shudder when mentioned. And I can teach you what I have learned studying this parenting philosophy so far.

If you don’t agree with it, we are all good too. There is no black and white with parenthood, and you have to do what feels right to you.

As for me… I believe in RIE. If you do too, then let’s officially get back on track and dive into the bigger issue underlying my rant from last week.

Why is it so important that we adhere to a bedtime schedule? 

Babies and kids crave routine. The more consistent the environment, the more they will flourish. Routines give babies confidence and security. This security lays the foundation for babies to learn and apply their learning. Because of this constant learning and adapting, the moment you mess with the predictable, you throw off a baby’s world.

Furthermore, there are countless researchers that have shown a correlation between bedtime and cognitive development. Irregular bedtimes are linked with lower scores in reading, math, and spatial awareness. Irregular bedtimes are linked to behavioral problems. Irregular bedtimes are even linked to self-image issues.

But most importantly, irregular bedtimes means you are not putting your child’s needs first. It means you are taking the repetition and routine away from your baby. It means you are going to have a screaming baby. It means you are probably going to get angry or frustrated yourself. It means you are setting yourself up for failure.

Remember how hard being a parent is? So let’s avoid these types of situations if we can. Just respect and trust.

Respect your child’s needs.

This includes being fed and in bed on a consistent schedule.

Trust your child’s ability. 

The more consistent you are, the more they will follow through. Babies and young children are capable of holding up their end of the bargain. They will eat and they will sleep because it becomes a predictable part of their world.

Lastly, because I am passionate about this parenting philosophy I am going to call out any behavior I believe undermines babies and young children. I am not out to criticize you or your choices. I am here to spread knowledge. I have gained a lot of insight when teaching high school students a specific way. And the specific way I taught has now forged the type of mother I have become.

So trust me when I say, I am not here to critique your parenting choices.

But do respect the experience I bring to the table.