Tag: observation

thankful for relationships

Desere

I follow RIE.

This is a respectful parenting philosophy that focuses on building a relationship with your child based on trust and respect. It’s about modeling instead of teaching. This means to raise someone who is respectful and authentic, I must model those characteristics myself. This philosophy is about treating kids like you would any adult you love and respect. And my husband and I love this philosophy because it really resonated with us, and we can see the effects of parenting this way is having on our 2 year old son.

But in practicing RIE we are not normal. This style of parenting is a minority.

I won’t force my kid to say please or thank you or sorry. If I make him say it, it’s not authentic. Instead these phrases get modeled when I say them naturally myself.

I won’t force my kid to hug you or kiss you. I am teaching my son to respect physical boundaries. To raise someone who respects another person’s “no’s” means as a child I must respect his own “no’s”. His body his choice.

I won’t distract my kid when he is crying. Feeling sad is ok, just like feeling happy and angry and scared is ok. Crying is the process of being unhurt. Tears release toxins from the body and oxytocin. When tears are not welcomed or stopped, this releases the stress hormone cortisol, and often leads to aggression because the suppressed emotion has to come out somewhere. (Aletha Soleter of Aware Parenting)

http://www.michellemorganart.com/

I won’t force my kid to eat. I provide the meal, with a few options that include veggies and meat and carbs. I set the rules about eating at the table and staying seated. The rest is up to my son. He eats what he he wants, as much as he wants from the options I laid out. I will not force feed him or use tricks like airplane-ing food into his mouth. His body his choice.

I won’t hold my kid’s hands when he climbs up the playground. If you want your child to learn spatial awareness, don’t help them do things they can’t do on their own. No one wants to get hurt. No child wants to fling themselves down the side of a play structure. But if they were always given a false sense of security when they learned to walk and climb, then they won’t realize the physical dangers of doing certain things.

I won’t show my kid how to play with something. I give my son open ended objects to play with, and let his creativity take it from there. This builds problem solving and independent play.

I wont try to fix how my kid plays with something. Even if it looks “wrong” to me, I won’t intervene. Is there even such thing as playing the wrong way?

I won’t intervene if my kid takes your kid’s toy. I won’t intervene if your kid takes my kid’s toy. Sharing is so overrated in this age of helicopter parenting. I’m sick of people saying they need to teach their kids how to share. Sharing is intrinsic. It will emerge when the child cares to share. At a young age, toy taking is simply exactly how kids play together. It’s the transference of toys. And when left on their own, kids rarely have a problem with this. When they do have a problem, they often can resolve it with little to no adult intervention.

I won’t ask my kid questions I already know the answer to. It’s demeaning to ask someone “Where are your eyes?” Or “Where is the blue triangle?” My son isn’t in school, and he didn’t learn English and Hebrew by me asking him to point to stuff or use flash cards to drill words into him. He learns words through life. He learns because we talk to him in our normal authentic voice.

But alas, these things make me odd in the parenting world. And that’s ok. I’ve made peace with being a minority because I love the person my son is becoming, and I love the type of serenity this parenting style has given me.

What makes RIE hard is that once you start it, you can’t unsee it.

This means once you see young children as fully capable people, worthy of respect, it’s very very hard to see how the rest of the world interacts with them.

But I can’t shelter my son. That’s simply unrealistic and doesn’t prepare him to forge his own life with his own relationships.

RIE is based on trust.

I need to trust in myself and the job I’m doing as a mother. I am raising my son with respect. A few disrespectful interactions with other people won’t “ruin” my son. Janet Lansbury likes to say parenting is about the steady diet not the occasional snack. What I do on the day to day basis is what will shape his character.

I need to trust my son. I need to trust that not only does he know the difference between the way different people treat him, but that he also is fully capable of self advocating. That a consequence of the way I treat him is that he WILL stand up for himself when he feels the need to.

That’s the key… it’s when HE feels the need to.

So many times I’m watching someone interact with my son, and I’m thinking why is my son just taking it? Why is he allowing this person to talk to him like that or force a hug on him when I know he doesn’t always want a hug? Why is he allowing this person to show him how to play a certain way when he normally likes to lead his own play time?

I want to step in so badly. But I don’t because my son doesn’t need rescuing. He isn’t in danger, he is with people he loves and who love him. If I did step in, I’m now making it about me, not my son.

I need to let him build his own relationships with people around him, in his own way. I need to trust him to do so.

I am thankful for RIE. This philosophy taught me to sit back and enjoy the person my child is becoming, to really see the beautiful relationships he has made and how much certain people mean to him. I am thankful he has such strong relationships with people around him. I am thankful for how much he enjoys people who behave differently than I do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

‘sharing’

Desere

Last week the most interesting thing happened in my RIE class, and it involves the idea of sharing. This idea is pretty taboo in the world of respectful parenting and there are several important reasons for that. But before I talk about that, let me describe specifically what unfolded in class.

A boy, let’s call him Max, was playing with a toy school bus. He was incredibly immersed in his play. A second boy, let’s call him Erik, arrived and was immediately interested in the truck as well. This was the first time this toy was out, so understandably Erik was drawn to it, as were all the children in class when they arrived. Also when toys are being played with they are animated and much more fascinating than static toys on the floor. Regardless of the reason, Erik was looking at the bus and went towards it.

Erik took the bus. Max started crying. Erik immediately stopped and turned around to look at Max. The teacher said “Max you had the bus and now Erik has it, that made you upset. Erik you see Max is upset.”

After a while of staring, Erik took the bus with him to another spot and played with it. Max was still crying in his mother’s lap. After a few minutes, Erik dropped the bus and moved on to something else. Max immediately stopped crying, went over, grabbed the bus, took it back to near his mom, and began playing with it again.

Several minutes go by, Erik sees the bus in motion. He comes back and grabs the bus. Max again completely breaks down. Erik stops. He stares at Max and again the teacher describes the situation. There was no blame, no victim, just the facts. “Max you had the bus, now Erik has it. Max really doesn’t like that. Erik you are looking at Max.”

It seemed this time Erik stared for longer. Then he turned around, took the bus to another spot. After few minutes when the bus was again abandoned, Max stopped crying to retrieve it once more.

This scenario repeated over and over. Each time it appeared that Erik stared at Max, bus in hand, longer and longer.

Eventually instead of dropping the bus Erik would bring the bus back to Max and then go play with something else.

And finally after excruciating transfer over and over of the bus between the boys, Erik brought the bus back to Max and sat down next to Max. Both boys continued to play cooperatively with the bus for several minutes. Afterwards, both boys moved on.

So let’s get back to the hot topic of sharing. The last scene I described would be considered as a scene of Erik sharing with Max. But the buildup to this was so much more substantial. I watched, along with the other moms, Erik take the toy over and over. And I watched closely Erik’s face as he stared back at Max breaking down. Why was he staring for so long at Max? He had the toy, which is what he wanted. Why not just go and play with his trophy? It’s not like Erik never heard crying before. There was more to the way he was staring than that.

And when we talked about what happened I realized what was going on.

Erik was learning cause and effect. Erik was learning that Max’s crying was a reaction to his taking of the bus. Erik was learning about the power he yields. Erik was growing.

You see cause and effect are complicated things to teach babies and toddlers. It takes a certain cognitive awareness to understand when I do A, B happens. Simple things are learned early on. When I push this ball, it rolls away. When I drop this toy, it hits the floor and makes a noise. But emotional cause and effect take much longer to develop. Things like when I hit this person, they cry because they are hurt. I mean, think about that. It is kind of an abstract thing to think about. For someone to truly understand this type of emotional cause and effect, they need to have a certain level of empathy first. They need to put themselves in someone’s shoes. They need to be aware of others’ thoughts and feelings. This is complex.

And here we have this 18 month old, having this HUGE aha moment.

Erik was always the first to do things in class. He was the first to walk when everyone was still crawling. He was the first to climb when everyone was walking. He was always very confident and knew the power of his body. Now he was learning the social consequence of this power.

Let’s not forget about Max. Although he may not have ‘grown’ as much as Erik throughout this process, Max still went through something incredible. He went through trust and mistrust. When Erik would bring back the bus directly to Max, that was building trust and relationship. But then Erik would come take it away, mistrust.

The end seemed to hold the biggest growth for Max. When Max arrived at class he clung to his mom. He found the bus and brought it right next to his mom so that he could sit in her lap while playing with it. Every time he went to retrieve it, he came back to within inches of his mom. Only after Erik ‘shared’ and the boys played together, did it seem that Max felt finally free to move on as well. Only then did he leave his mother’s vicinity and begin to participate in the class with the everyone else.

After such an incredible scene, where is my issue with ‘sharing’ then? Well let me tell you…

So many times have I been at a play date or at the park, and seen what adults think about ‘sharing’. Let’s say this exact thing happened anywhere other than RIE class. Erik comes and takes the bus from Max. Max cries. Erik’s mom immediately rushes over, grabs Erik’s hand, takes the toy, and returns it to Max. She then admonishes Erik for his inability to share. This not only is something that Erik, at this age, has no ability to comprehend, the violence with which this all happened is sending him a message that it is in fact ok to rip a toy out of someones hand, because after all that’s exactly what his mom just did to him. Erik is now confused about the mixed messages. And Max never has the chance to a) let out his feelings, b) get the toy back, or c) find another toy to be satisfied with.

All for what? Because adults think that sharing is so important if we don’t force it at a young age our children will grow up to be horrible selfish monsters? Or is it that a child’s crying is so uncomfortable, that we will do anything to fix the situation.

Well what if Max needed to cry? What if Max was crying from the bus being taken, but was also letting out some feelings that he had pent up and this was his only time to do so? What if at the end Max felt free to leave his mom because he let out some really good cries?

We don’t need to fix it.

So often when a child takes a toy from another child, he/she is completely unbothered.

Or, they are bothered and want to do something about it. I have seen a child try to take someone’s toy, and the child holding it will tighten their grip, or turn around and walk/run in the other direction. I have seen a child take someone’s toy and the child then goes to find something else.

Resiliency. (as my teacher always reminds us)

We are not raising monsters. We are raising resilient, problem solving human beings. We are raising people who do not need us to intervene and fix things for them. Not in this case anyway.

I think back to what I saw in class and how incredible it was to watch Erik grow so much within one hour. I think about how that opportunity would have been completely lost in any other setting. And once more I am convinced that respectful parenting is right for me. Because we respect our children and the choices they make. We trust them. They will ‘share’ if they choose to. They will share when they are ready. In the meantime, just sit back and observe. Some incredible growth could be happening before your very eyes.

The most fascinating part… in this week’s class Erik kept doing something that validated his growth. When he arrived he kept ‘checking in’ with Max. It was like, he knew this was someone he has influenced in the past and he was still curious about what this other person was experiencing. Whenever he would hold the school bus he would look back and find Max. There was a new dynamic, a new bond between them.

Incredible.

 

the 3 R’s of rie

Desere1 Comment

Recently I described one of the biggest tenets of RIE, baby-led play. In other words, letting your baby lead their own play time with yourself as an observer. This is true not only when you are home, just you and your child, but also when you are at play groups with many other babies around. Therefore, part of baby-led play includes the idea of waiting before intervening. It’s a simple idea, but one that is incredibly hard to master for most people.

I described about the first RIE class I took, and how the instructor was modeling ways to intervene with her hand. Babies like to touch one another, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. But since our number one priority should always be safety, sometimes babies touch roughly and we do need to intervene.

The hard part is then deciding, when to intervene and when to let babies explore in their own way?

When should I allow them to place their hand on another baby and when do I need to protect the other baby’s face? When do I let babies explore their surrounding and when do I support their body from falling? This is when my teacher told me there is something in RIE when observing known as the 3 R’s.

  • reflect

  • respect

  • respond

The first rule is reflect. As an observer, you should be constantly taking in the situation around your child. Look around and see what exactly your child is looking at, what are they interested in, what is the other baby doing, etc.

  • During one class I went to, my son was playing with a small white ball and mostly holding it in his mouth. Another baby came over and was looking at the ball too. He reached over and carefully took the ball from my son. His fingers were curled so perfectly, he was only touching the ball and not my son’s mouth. Almost as if he knew he just wanted the ball, and not to hurt my son’s face! Really waiting and observing allowed all the moms and I to see how gently this boy acted. And why would we stop him? He didn’t hurt my son. He didn’t scratch his face. My son was not disturbed by the ball being taken. Remember, babies don’t normally care if toys get taken from them. It seems ‘wrong’ to us as adults, but this truly is how babies play.
  • In another class, a boy was pointing to different parts of my son’s face with his index finger. The teacher was close by, but she didn’t intervene because she was watching the boy and how gently he was placing his finger on my son’s face. My son didn’t really react, he simply stared into the face of the boy. As long as he was being gentle, there was really no reason to stop him. The boy was interested in my son’s face, as babies often are.

The next step to remember is respect. This should be easy, since it’s basically the #1 rule of RIE. Respect your child, they know what they are doing. Trust them to know their own body and own limits. If babies don’t like something, they will say so long before they are able to talk. They will cry, or move away. You might find, however, that in most situations they will be undisturbed. Also respect babies to resolve conflicts on their own.

  • A little girl was laying on the carpet and a boy came over and began crawling on top of her. She seemed completely undisturbed. He eventually crawled away but later came back and was about to crawl on top of her again. The girl’s mom stayed at a distance, because she respected the girl to set her own boundary. This time, the little girl sat up and moved back. She was now saying, I don’t like this very much, and moved away herself.
  • My son had a toy and another boy came and took the toy from his hands. This upset Franky, so the teacher said “Frank you had that, and now E has it. You seem upset. You are resourceful, you can find something else to play with.” My son seemed to hear her words because he instantly went to another object, picked it up, and seemed incredibly content with his new toy. Both boys were happy, and my son learned that he has the power to get something else to play with if he wants.
    • Compare this to a playdate where my son had something and a girl took this toy from him. The girl’s mom told her daughter that she shouldn’t have taken it from Frank. She instantly brought another toy and dropped it in front of my son, telling him he could play with that instead. I didn’t intervene but inside I was angry at the dismissed opportunity for my son to either retrieve the same item back from the little girl or resourcefully get something else.

The last step is to respond. Respond to the situation that you are observing with the most minimal intervention that you can. We do not want to ‘fix’ anything, but we are there to protect and guide. It’s about responding not reacting.

  • In class, a boy came over and touched my son’s face pretty violently. The boy’s mom came over right away and simply put her hand in front of my son’s face. She said “I’m going to protect Frank’s face.” She didn’t say this out of anger, she simply stated what she was doing. It was such a respectful interaction. There was no shaming, no accusing of the boy for hurting my son, no yanking his arm out of the way. Minimal intervention. Her response was proactive, “I’m going to protect Franky’s face” instead of “don’t hurt his face”.
  • My son pulled himself up halfway on an outdoor sandbox and stood like this for a long time. Five minutes, ten minutes… at what point should I step in and help him down? Is he stuck, or is he just enjoying standing up the way he is? Reflect: His knees began buckling. Maybe he was tired and wanted to sit down. His face however suggested he was completely fine, with no sign of struggle or fear. Respect: I know Franky likes standing at home all the time, and I trust his ability to use his legs this way. I have seen him stand for long periods and then sit when he is ready. Hmm… but his knees don’t usually buckle. Respond: “I am going to move closer to you”. With my teacher’s guidance, I placed my hand under my son’s chest. Minimal intervention. I am letting him know, I am here, I support you, and if you need to sit down you must still let go yourself.  My son sat back and gave me a smile.

My RIE teacher mentioned that the best part of the 3 R’s is that they force you to slow down. When something is going on, stop to reflect the situation, respect your child, and respond appropriately. This way you are not reacting emotionally, or projecting your own feelings onto your child. (like when a child ‘steals’ a toy and we as the adults are horrified)

It’s this idea of observing in the sense of getting to know who our kid is, how does he move one leg over the other, what type of choices does he make when he is left to make them on his own, how does he resolve issues with others?

Observation without concept, without any agenda, without any preconceived ideas of what should or should not be. This is what the 3R’s let us do.