Tag: quarantine

the need for control

Desere

Disclaimer: I wrote this in April 2020 but before I could finish editing and publishing, I got swept up with life and the state of the world. I never got around to finishing this post. Although we are fast forward 7 months, I feel like some of this could be valuable to someone out there. So here it goes…

The need for control. This is a basic human trait.

With everything going on, we are seeing this need manifest in all sorts of ways. The major way we saw people attempting to regain any sort of control in a situation filled with unknowns, is with toilet paper. Yes, the panic buying of toilet paper is, in its simplest and most raw form, just a need for control.

People are scared and don’t have enough information. We don’t know enough about this virus. We don’t know if we or someone we know will get sick. We don’t know what life is supposed to look like during this time. We don’t know what life will look like when this is all over.

The need to regain control in any aspect is enough to send people in droves to buy whatever they can, as much as they can, so that they feel like they are able to remain in charge of their life in some way. It is comical and seems insane, but it all really does make sense in terms of human behavior.

And as this is a parenting blog, the same can be said about children.

When our children feel out of control, it tends to lead to all sorts of behavioral problems. This is a normal part of parenting a “terrible” two, or a “threenager”, or really any child.

Children develop so quickly. They are learning things every second of every day from the moment they are born. They are masters at processing the world around them. But they have very little control over their daily lives. They are told when to put clothes on and what to eat. They are told where to go and what time to go to bed. They are taken to school and after school activities where adults are telling them what to do every second of the day. Kids often aren’t even able to play on their own without parents guiding them and telling them what to play with and how. This creates a strange sensation phenomenon. They are growing and maturing, but they aren’t able to control many aspects of their life. Consequently, they create situations in order to feel in control. They seek it out. And this often looks like a child being stubborn, or misbehaving. This can look like answering every question with a ‘NO!’, or throwing objects. It can be in the way they constantly are yelling demands at us, or that feeling that as a parent we aren’t doing anything right. It is often just their attempt at having some sense of control, over their body, their relationships, their life.

When our children do feel out of control, this is when we might see a meltdown or an emotional release.

So what does this have to do with what’s happening right now. Well apart from us adults losing control over many aspects of our life like the ability to go out or go to work or do much of anything, our children are feeling the same way too. But they are also just trying to process everything that is going on. And I am writing this post as a warning to take some ‘misbehaviors’ as warning signs that your child is just looking to regain some control.

For me, it is showing up as not wanting to go outside.

Which is crazy, because we are stuck inside all day everyday with no where to go. We are in quarantine. And everytime I tell my son we are going to go on a walk or a small hike, he freaks out. And this is a kid that used to thrive outdoors. I have been taking him outside every single day for his entire 3 years and 10 months of existence. And now without the opportunity to go to school or library or park or a friends’ house, he doesnt even want to go outside.

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

oh.. right… he feels out of control. The only thing he can control right now is his body being at home. Home where it is safe, with his toys which he knows. Home where the routines are the same, where he can count on the predictability of his day. He wants to be home.

So if your kids are acting strangely, uncharacteristically, then it could very well just be their way of seeking control in a very strange time.

now is the time to allow all the emotions

Desere

Beautiful parents, we are living in strange times right now. A virus is taking the world by storm, and if you are like me you are living in mandatory quarantine.

Now I am not going to use this post to talk about what staying at home this past week was like. Instead I want to talk about emotions.

Whether we are shielding our children from everything going on in the news or exposing them to it all, they are definitely going to be feeling all the feels right now.

The world is going through something weird, something new, and something strange. People are at home when they usually wouldn’t be. People are losing work. People are stressed … and scared.

Our kids feel it, they sense it, and what they need now more than ever is the space to release some pent up emotions about it all.

I am not worried about our kids’ ability to adapt. As Teacher Tom put it, “Young children were built for this. Young children are the masters of learning from whatever life throws at them.” He writes more about this here and it’s fantastic.

No, what I am worried about is amid all this stress, we forget that our kids need us to hold space for them to release any and all emotions.

This is not new to respectful parenting. If anything I would say allowing and acknowledging little one’s emotions is a pillar of parenting with respect.

But we are human, and are dealing with a lot of unknowns right now. So maybe we all need a reminder.

Janet Lansbury’s famous idea has never been so crucial:

ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET TO WELCOME THESE EMOTIONS

But there is more to it than that. (of course there is)

You see part of building a respectful relationship with your child means knowing who your child is, as a person, and being able to read those cues that they have something to release. Discerning between situations where they simply need to release some rage/stress/sadness versus situations where a deeper, more meaningful conversation is in order. Of course the latter is more for older children.

This is about using certain phrasing to show you are there, not judging, and open. Realizing what they may be frustrated about and giving it words. Giving them language to use when they might not know why they are feeling this way at all.

My personal example from today (because maybe this will help you?):

We were playing in the backyard and my son (almost 4) said he wants us to have a gorilla. So of course I laughed a little and exclaimed, “A GORILLA?!” to play along. But he seemed serious. He took me and showed me where to put up a tall fence so the gorilla wouldn’t escape. He was very adamant about having the gorilla.

On a regular, non COVID-19 sunny afternoon, I might have fully supported this funky idea. I might start to probe him with questions, like “what will we feed our gorilla?”, “should we give him a name?”, or “how will you play with the gorilla?”

But I didn’t today. I don’t know what about it made me shift the conversation. Maybe it was his body language or the way he was saying it at first angry and then on the verge of tears. Maybe it was just because of everything going on in the world right now. Whatever it was, in that split moment I changed my reaction.

I said we can’t have a gorilla in the softest voice I could muster.

“Why?” Those big brown eyes looked up at me. So I explained that we wouldn’t be able to give a gorilla a good life.

“Why?”

A gorilla needs space and other gorillas. A gorilla needs to explore and roam. A gorilla might not be happy here in our small backyard.

Now looking back on this, maybe this wasn’t the right direction to take this conversation. But I did and subconsciously I think I was egging him on to release those pent up emotions. I just saw those emotions waiting to come out. I saw it in his eyes and his posture and his tone. And I guess I thought instead of playing along if I shut it down, even softly, it might give him the opportunity to release. Maybe…

Expectantly, he got very upset. His adamant response was he wanted an animal in the yard. Hmm, he changed it to animal now. I felt like I was onto something.

So I simply repeated “you want an animal in the yard.”

“I really want an animal in the yard!”

“You really want an animal in the yard.”

I just kept acknowledging and repeating.

And then he said “I want an animal to be my friend.”

Bingo. I figured out where this was going.

It is not because of any magic recipe. It was because I know my son. Because I know what this past week was like compared to what any ‘normal’ week would be like for us. I have built a relationship of trust with him. I have spent almost 4 years now allowing him to be his whole (chaotic, beautiful, messy, emotional, real) self around me.

So I knew. We are in quarantine. He hasn’t seen any friends. He hasn’t been to school. He hasn’t had any play dates. He hasn’t gone to the library or some indoor playgrounds or any of our usual weekly outings.

So I said “you really want a friend to play with.”

And it was like some weight lifted off his shoulders. Physically. He melted down into my lap.

I kept going, which I only did based on his age and because I knew he could handle it right now amid all the heightened sadness. “You miss having someone to play with.”

More crying.

So I gave it one last go. “You haven’t seen your friends in a long time.”

And he finally said “yes”

We sat for about a minute. Then he got up and went to play with his brother. I could hear laughing. I could hear ease.

And there it is folks. My meager example of how we can gently but purposefuly hold space for our children during this weird time in all of our lives.

Of course this looks different in different situations. If he was melting down about something, let’s say maybe wanting more goldfish and I had said no, I would NOT have said those things about missing his friends. I would allow him to feel whatever anger he felt about wanting more goldfish, which might be anger at this situation we are in or maybe being a big brother or maybe just being tired. But I wouldn’t try to talk about it.

No, I had to really read the situation and know if he was ready for me to verbalize the things he was feeling. If he was ready to connect his feelings to the situation we are in.

You know your child the best. You know when they need to release and when they need your help releasing. You know how far to push it, when to have the conversation and when to simply be quiet and sit. You know if your child is just tired or if it’s something more than that.

All this isn’t to say that sometimes you don’t know these things. These are split second decisions that we have to make. Sometimes we are also dealing with another sibling. Sometimes we miss the cues. Sometimes our own cup is running so darn low that we just can’t be the patient wonderful parents who sit and roll the carpet for any and all feelings. I get that too. Oh the times I have really messed up these moments…

In the end, this style of parenting is about connection. As we sit at home, with nothing much else to be doing these days except being with our children, our family, and ourselves, let’s try to make these moments count.

Love and health to all of you.