Last week the most interesting thing happened in my RIE class, and it involves the idea of sharing. This idea is pretty taboo in the world of respectful parenting and there are several important reasons for that. But before I talk about that, let me describe specifically what unfolded in class.
A boy, let’s call him Max, was playing with a toy school bus. He was incredibly immersed in his play. A second boy, let’s call him Erik, arrived and was immediately interested in the truck as well. This was the first time this toy was out, so understandably Erik was drawn to it, as were all the children in class when they arrived. Also when toys are being played with they are animated and much more fascinating than static toys on the floor. Regardless of the reason, Erik was looking at the bus and went towards it.
Erik took the bus. Max started crying. Erik immediately stopped and turned around to look at Max. The teacher said “Max you had the bus and now Erik has it, that made you upset. Erik you see Max is upset.”
After a while of staring, Erik took the bus with him to another spot and played with it. Max was still crying in his mother’s lap. After a few minutes, Erik dropped the bus and moved on to something else. Max immediately stopped crying, went over, grabbed the bus, took it back to near his mom, and began playing with it again.
Several minutes go by, Erik sees the bus in motion. He comes back and grabs the bus. Max again completely breaks down. Erik stops. He stares at Max and again the teacher describes the situation. There was no blame, no victim, just the facts. “Max you had the bus, now Erik has it. Max really doesn’t like that. Erik you are looking at Max.”
It seemed this time Erik stared for longer. Then he turned around, took the bus to another spot. After few minutes when the bus was again abandoned, Max stopped crying to retrieve it once more.
This scenario repeated over and over. Each time it appeared that Erik stared at Max, bus in hand, longer and longer.
Eventually instead of dropping the bus Erik would bring the bus back to Max and then go play with something else.
And finally after excruciating transfer over and over of the bus between the boys, Erik brought the bus back to Max and sat down next to Max. Both boys continued to play cooperatively with the bus for several minutes. Afterwards, both boys moved on.
So let’s get back to the hot topic of sharing. The last scene I described would be considered as a scene of Erik sharing with Max. But the buildup to this was so much more substantial. I watched, along with the other moms, Erik take the toy over and over. And I watched closely Erik’s face as he stared back at Max breaking down. Why was he staring for so long at Max? He had the toy, which is what he wanted. Why not just go and play with his trophy? It’s not like Erik never heard crying before. There was more to the way he was staring than that.
And when we talked about what happened I realized what was going on.
Erik was learning cause and effect. Erik was learning that Max’s crying was a reaction to his taking of the bus. Erik was learning about the power he yields. Erik was growing.
You see cause and effect are complicated things to teach babies and toddlers. It takes a certain cognitive awareness to understand when I do A, B happens. Simple things are learned early on. When I push this ball, it rolls away. When I drop this toy, it hits the floor and makes a noise. But emotional cause and effect take much longer to develop. Things like when I hit this person, they cry because they are hurt. I mean, think about that. It is kind of an abstract thing to think about. For someone to truly understand this type of emotional cause and effect, they need to have a certain level of empathy first. They need to put themselves in someone’s shoes. They need to be aware of others’ thoughts and feelings. This is complex.
And here we have this 18 month old, having this HUGE aha moment.
Erik was always the first to do things in class. He was the first to walk when everyone was still crawling. He was the first to climb when everyone was walking. He was always very confident and knew the power of his body. Now he was learning the social consequence of this power.
Let’s not forget about Max. Although he may not have ‘grown’ as much as Erik throughout this process, Max still went through something incredible. He went through trust and mistrust. When Erik would bring back the bus directly to Max, that was building trust and relationship. But then Erik would come take it away, mistrust.
The end seemed to hold the biggest growth for Max. When Max arrived at class he clung to his mom. He found the bus and brought it right next to his mom so that he could sit in her lap while playing with it. Every time he went to retrieve it, he came back to within inches of his mom. Only after Erik ‘shared’ and the boys played together, did it seem that Max felt finally free to move on as well. Only then did he leave his mother’s vicinity and begin to participate in the class with the everyone else.
After such an incredible scene, where is my issue with ‘sharing’ then? Well let me tell you…
So many times have I been at a play date or at the park, and seen what adults think about ‘sharing’. Let’s say this exact thing happened anywhere other than RIE class. Erik comes and takes the bus from Max. Max cries. Erik’s mom immediately rushes over, grabs Erik’s hand, takes the toy, and returns it to Max. She then admonishes Erik for his inability to share. This not only is something that Erik, at this age, has no ability to comprehend, the violence with which this all happened is sending him a message that it is in fact ok to rip a toy out of someones hand, because after all that’s exactly what his mom just did to him. Erik is now confused about the mixed messages. And Max never has the chance to a) let out his feelings, b) get the toy back, or c) find another toy to be satisfied with.
All for what? Because adults think that sharing is so important if we don’t force it at a young age our children will grow up to be horrible selfish monsters? Or is it that a child’s crying is so uncomfortable, that we will do anything to fix the situation.
Well what if Max needed to cry? What if Max was crying from the bus being taken, but was also letting out some feelings that he had pent up and this was his only time to do so? What if at the end Max felt free to leave his mom because he let out some really good cries?
We don’t need to fix it.
So often when a child takes a toy from another child, he/she is completely unbothered.
Or, they are bothered and want to do something about it. I have seen a child try to take someone’s toy, and the child holding it will tighten their grip, or turn around and walk/run in the other direction. I have seen a child take someone’s toy and the child then goes to find something else.
Resiliency. (as my teacher always reminds us)
We are not raising monsters. We are raising resilient, problem solving human beings. We are raising people who do not need us to intervene and fix things for them. Not in this case anyway.
I think back to what I saw in class and how incredible it was to watch Erik grow so much within one hour. I think about how that opportunity would have been completely lost in any other setting. And once more I am convinced that respectful parenting is right for me. Because we respect our children and the choices they make. We trust them. They will ‘share’ if they choose to. They will share when they are ready. In the meantime, just sit back and observe. Some incredible growth could be happening before your very eyes.
The most fascinating part… in this week’s class Erik kept doing something that validated his growth. When he arrived he kept ‘checking in’ with Max. It was like, he knew this was someone he has influenced in the past and he was still curious about what this other person was experiencing. Whenever he would hold the school bus he would look back and find Max. There was a new dynamic, a new bond between them.
Incredible.