Recently I described one of the biggest tenets of RIE, baby-led play. In other words, letting your baby lead their own play time with yourself as an observer. This is true not only when you are home, just you and your child, but also when you are at play groups with many other babies around. Therefore, part of baby-led play includes the idea of waiting before intervening. It’s a simple idea, but one that is incredibly hard to master for most people.
I described about the first RIE class I took, and how the instructor was modeling ways to intervene with her hand. Babies like to touch one another, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. But since our number one priority should always be safety, sometimes babies touch roughly and we do need to intervene.
The hard part is then deciding, when to intervene and when to let babies explore in their own way?
When should I allow them to place their hand on another baby and when do I need to protect the other baby’s face? When do I let babies explore their surrounding and when do I support their body from falling? This is when my teacher told me there is something in RIE when observing known as the 3 R’s.
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reflect
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respect
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respond
The first rule is reflect. As an observer, you should be constantly taking in the situation around your child. Look around and see what exactly your child is looking at, what are they interested in, what is the other baby doing, etc.
- During one class I went to, my son was playing with a small white ball and mostly holding it in his mouth. Another baby came over and was looking at the ball too. He reached over and carefully took the ball from my son. His fingers were curled so perfectly, he was only touching the ball and not my son’s mouth. Almost as if he knew he just wanted the ball, and not to hurt my son’s face! Really waiting and observing allowed all the moms and I to see how gently this boy acted. And why would we stop him? He didn’t hurt my son. He didn’t scratch his face. My son was not disturbed by the ball being taken. Remember, babies don’t normally care if toys get taken from them. It seems ‘wrong’ to us as adults, but this truly is how babies play.
- In another class, a boy was pointing to different parts of my son’s face with his index finger. The teacher was close by, but she didn’t intervene because she was watching the boy and how gently he was placing his finger on my son’s face. My son didn’t really react, he simply stared into the face of the boy. As long as he was being gentle, there was really no reason to stop him. The boy was interested in my son’s face, as babies often are.
The next step to remember is respect. This should be easy, since it’s basically the #1 rule of RIE. Respect your child, they know what they are doing. Trust them to know their own body and own limits. If babies don’t like something, they will say so long before they are able to talk. They will cry, or move away. You might find, however, that in most situations they will be undisturbed. Also respect babies to resolve conflicts on their own.
- A little girl was laying on the carpet and a boy came over and began crawling on top of her. She seemed completely undisturbed. He eventually crawled away but later came back and was about to crawl on top of her again. The girl’s mom stayed at a distance, because she respected the girl to set her own boundary. This time, the little girl sat up and moved back. She was now saying, I don’t like this very much, and moved away herself.
- My son had a toy and another boy came and took the toy from his hands. This upset Franky, so the teacher said “Frank you had that, and now E has it. You seem upset. You are resourceful, you can find something else to play with.” My son seemed to hear her words because he instantly went to another object, picked it up, and seemed incredibly content with his new toy. Both boys were happy, and my son learned that he has the power to get something else to play with if he wants.
- Compare this to a playdate where my son had something and a girl took this toy from him. The girl’s mom told her daughter that she shouldn’t have taken it from Frank. She instantly brought another toy and dropped it in front of my son, telling him he could play with that instead. I didn’t intervene but inside I was angry at the dismissed opportunity for my son to either retrieve the same item back from the little girl or resourcefully get something else.
The last step is to respond. Respond to the situation that you are observing with the most minimal intervention that you can. We do not want to ‘fix’ anything, but we are there to protect and guide. It’s about responding not reacting.
- In class, a boy came over and touched my son’s face pretty violently. The boy’s mom came over right away and simply put her hand in front of my son’s face. She said “I’m going to protect Frank’s face.” She didn’t say this out of anger, she simply stated what she was doing. It was such a respectful interaction. There was no shaming, no accusing of the boy for hurting my son, no yanking his arm out of the way. Minimal intervention. Her response was proactive, “I’m going to protect Franky’s face” instead of “don’t hurt his face”.
- My son pulled himself up halfway on an outdoor sandbox and stood like this for a long time. Five minutes, ten minutes… at what point should I step in and help him down? Is he stuck, or is he just enjoying standing up the way he is? Reflect: His knees began buckling. Maybe he was tired and wanted to sit down. His face however suggested he was completely fine, with no sign of struggle or fear. Respect: I know Franky likes standing at home all the time, and I trust his ability to use his legs this way. I have seen him stand for long periods and then sit when he is ready. Hmm… but his knees don’t usually buckle. Respond: “I am going to move closer to you”. With my teacher’s guidance, I placed my hand under my son’s chest. Minimal intervention. I am letting him know, I am here, I support you, and if you need to sit down you must still let go yourself. My son sat back and gave me a smile.
My RIE teacher mentioned that the best part of the 3 R’s is that they force you to slow down. When something is going on, stop to reflect the situation, respect your child, and respond appropriately. This way you are not reacting emotionally, or projecting your own feelings onto your child. (like when a child ‘steals’ a toy and we as the adults are horrified)
It’s this idea of observing in the sense of getting to know who our kid is, how does he move one leg over the other, what type of choices does he make when he is left to make them on his own, how does he resolve issues with others?