Tag: RIE class

don’t talk about me

Desere1 Comment

How often do you find yourself standing in a group of people and you begin talking negatively about someone standing in that group? 

Probably never… because that would be so incredibly rude. Right?

But if we don’t do that to other adults why is it ok to do it to our children? People won’t even talk about strangers rudely in front of them, but so often treat their own flesh and blood with such disrespect.

If you are still unsure what I’m getting at, let me describe what happened to me a while ago at the park.

I was sitting with another mom whose daughter is 3.5 years old. Our kids were playing in the sand, maybe 4 feet away from where we were sitting. We talked about this and that, until the mom began telling me about her daughter’s temper tantrums and how uncontrollable she is during these times.

So I did what you would have done. I nodded and let her talk. It felt weird that she was describing her daughter in such a negative light while her daughter was so close to us, but I figured this mom just needed to vent a little.

The problem was the mom kept going. She really got into the details of this girl’s meltdowns. So much so that she then stood up and began demonstrating what the girl’s face looks like and how she walks when she is angry. This grown woman was stomping up and down the sidewalk between where I was sitting and where our two children were playing, hands in the air. I mean writing it down right now seems so ridiculous.

But the part that breaks my heart, is when I looked at her daughter, she had stopped playing and was watching her mother.

And you know what? This happens ALL the time!

I am always at the park or a playdate, listening to mothers talking rudely about their children who are often standing right by our legs.

This behavior is not ok.

Our children are in fact always watching and always listening to us. They are learning about life from us. This is easy to forget, because they are so small. It is easy to take advantage of them because they rely on us for so much. But these are human beings and speaking about them negatively in front of them is rude.

So what to do if you find yourself in situations like the one I described above that make you very uncomfortable. What to do when you hear someone disrespecting a child like this?

1. Draw attention to the child’s presence

I was uncomfortable in the above story but did nothing. When I relayed the entire story about the mom modeling her daughter’s temper tantrums to my RIE teacher, she suggested helping the parent become aware of the child’s presence.

For example, when the mom started talking about her daughter and I saw the daughter looking over, I could have said directly to the daughter “S you hear your mommy talking about you” or “S, your mama is telling me about what happened when you were at the store.”

Sometimes, people just forget.

Sometimes when you are home all day, every day, with your children, you crave adult interaction so much that when you get to the park and have another listening ear you unload everything and anything. I get that.

So simply redirecting the focus on the child by including them somehow in the conversation, can help the parent realize that the child is right there, and they are listening.

I try to do this whenever my husband gets home and I begin talking his ear off about every detail that happened that day with our son. I see Frank is listening because he hears his name, so I turn to him and include him. “Franky, I am telling your daddy about how today you climbed the big tower … how you played well with so and so … how you got upset when the other boy took the truck … etc.”

It takes time, and getting used to, but rephrasing things like this helps me focus on my son’s presence.

2. Have a conversation with your child

My RIE teacher also asked me if my son noticed the mom ridiculing her daughter. She told me that talking about what happened when we got home would be incredibly valuable.

Something along the lines of “Today at the park you noticed that mama talking about her daughter. That was not very respectful and it made me uncomfortable. I saw you looking up and I wonder if it made you uncomfortable too.”

My son is only 1.5 years old, so that is where that type of conversation would end. Maybe when he is more verbal, he will be the one starting conversations like this with me when we get home. But at least I know that I have expressed to my son that I was uncomfortable with what happened. After all, I am modeling the person I want him to be. So that brings me to my last point…

3. Choose to model respect

Our kids watch us and copy us because we are their idea of what the world is like. We model relationship and communication. When my son is watching me, I want him to see that I treat people around me with respect. But I can only hope he understands this by also treating him with respect as well.

Choose to be the best person you can be for your children. Choose not to talk about them rudely in front of them. Choose to be brave enough to stand up to this type of disrespect in the moment.

My teacher often reminds us that “Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect.” And frankly, so should we as adults.

when do children learn empathy?

Desere

We talk about empathy a lot in my RIE class. But I never witnessed this quality in my son. Until this week’s class.

At every class at least one mom takes the opportunity to leave her child and go to the restroom. My RIE teacher calls this our laboratory, a safe place to practice leaving our child knowing they will be supported and respected while we are gone. Not always, but many times the child left will cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child stops playing and watches.

I have watched as the child cries, another child begins to cry.

I have watched as the child cries, another child crawls over and sits with the child until the parent comes back.

But my son never did any of these things.

My son always continues playing. There are times when he even starts giggling. Giggling, as in… he is so immersed in his play he is giggling over the crying.

Rarely he will glance over at the crying child.

But then this week… it happened.

A girl’s mom told her she was leaving. The girl began to cry. And my son instantly stopped playing.

I don’t know if it was because she was a girl. I don’t know if it was that he is now at the point in his life, with enough maturity, that he understands this type of suffering. But now, at just shy of 14 months of age, my son showed empathy. He kept walking over to the little girl, then backing away. He never took his eyes off her. There were moments when he made small noises, as if to match her cries? And then the mom came back and my son was pointing up at the mom as she walked through the door. It was as if he was saying “hey, she’s back, she’s back!”.  Perhaps signaling to the little girl?

But the girl was beyond the point of sadness because she couldn’t stop crying. She was unable to control her emotions, so the mama sat with her little girl on her lap.

I thought that this was it with my son, but it wasn’t. He kept checking in on them. He kept watching. The girl was still crying and Franky continued to feel for her.

At some point, my son went up to both mom and girl, and just barely, softly, touched the little girl’s hand. He then walked away. And the little girl stopped crying. She was watching Franky and soon enough was again ready to join him and the others.

It was just so beautiful and it was so sensitive.

My teacher has talked to us about how babies often cry when they hear crying because they have a sort of innate sense of empathy. But in the beginning this is just mimicking. At some point, it becomes more. Children really begin to understand that crying stems from a place of suffering, a place of sadness, that crying is not just noise. And this understanding establishes a true empathy within the child. Since this is a complex thing, it happens at a different stage for each child. And now, with careful observation and the perfect environment to allow such a situation to unfold, I believe my son achieved this quality.

Because of my background as a teacher, or maybe just my personality, I am always trying to learn more about RIE. I am particularly fascinated by what it looks like beyond the first two years. I ask my teacher and anyone I know who has raised their children with this philosophy, how does RIE look when our kids are teenagers? What sets RIE kids apart from non-RIE kids later on in life?

Well one of the things I often hear is compassion, because RIE is about relationship-based caring. RIE kids are just more compassionate. In preschool, elementary school, high school, and throughout their entire life.

I am not trying to say non-RIE kids can’t be compassionate. Of course some kids are and some kids aren’t. But this parenting philosophy allows kids the opportunity to develop compassion. It is because we let the kid cry and let the other kids see it. It is because we trust what kids are feeling to be real and authentic. It is because we create an environment that embraces emotion instead of stamping it out.

This is why RIE kids care more. They feel more. They are more.

And I think that such a beautiful thing!

it’s the process not the product

Desere2 Comments

I wrote about the RIE approach to feeding my son, and since he was 7 months old this way of eating has really worked for both of us.

But now he is 13 months old, and he is eating more than ever. Sometimes I feel anxious that I can’t keep up with how much he can eat. I worry if he is getting enough veggies and carbs, if he has the right balance of protein and fruit. He also loves flavor, so I am constantly switching up the spices, being careful not to add too much salt to anything.

Some days, he eats a lot. He can eat 3 eggs in the morning, a bagel at lunch, and a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

Other days, he barely eats.

I make chicken flavored one way and he will eat the whole thing. I make chicken flavored another way and he seems to hate it.

It drives me crazy.

And it makes me nervous.

I know he needs to eat. He needs to eat so he can grow. He also needs the energy. So I get preoccupied with what he is taking in.

But its not supposed to be about what he is actually eating. Feeding times are a time to bond, and a time to teach him manners. I am supposed to be teaching my son how to eat.

Some days he takes the food, some days he does not. Who cares? He won’t starve. I give him plenty of opportunities throughout the day with breakfast, snack, lunch, and dinner. On top of all this, I am still breastfeeding a few times a day. So I know he won’t starve. Kids aren’t built like that anyway. If he is hungry he will eat or cry to let me know.

So why am I worrying so much? I need to trust him! RIE is about trust!

Today I made him scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato. He barely ate, spitting a lot of it out once it hit his tongue. I kept wondering why he was spitting it out. I kept taking more on my fork and trying to feed him directly.

Then I stopped myself, and remembered, it’s not the product that matters, it’s the process. I need to slow down…

So I scanned the situation.

Is he sitting down completely? Sometimes he squats, which should not be allowed because he can too easily pop up and leave with food in his hands or in his mouth. I made sure his butt was on the floor before he grabbed any food.

He is also now practicing using a spoon and fork. He just started taking them away from me one day, so I always give him his own set and let him practice using them on his own. I still have my utensil so I can offer him food directly.

But again, I need to remember this is a process. If I bring my fork toward him and he opens his mouth, he wants food. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. We can’t force someone to eat, just like we can’t force someone to sleep.

Sometimes he is working so hard on getting his own spoon in the bowl of yogurt, that he could care less about the spoon-full I am offering. And that should be ok. He is barely past 1 and is using his spoon! I should embrace this and encourage him in learning to use his utensils. After all, my job is to teach him to have manners at the table, right?

Of course that being said, the moment he starts swinging his fork back and forth trying to push food off the tray, I should stop him and say something like, “I will not let you do that, the fork is for eating not playing.” Because … manners.

I decided to write this because at my RIE class, we have begun doing snack time. It goes fairly similar to how I feed my son at home, but with 5 or 6 other toddlers and a lot more chaos. My son rarely sits down for snack. I can tell everything is just too stimulating for him. The toys are everywhere, there are kids all around doing their own thing. He will go to the table, and then a kid might crawl by holding something and my son gets instantly distracted.

So I asked my teacher if it was ok that he isn’t always participating in class even though at home feeding is going well. She told me, the purpose of class is to model how to feed this way. It is a parent guidance class after all. She was trying to show us how to approach giving our child food using trust and respect. The fact that Franky never eats in class means nothing. And then she continued to talk about process vs product.

So I guess I am mostly writing this as a reminder to myself.

I need to stop worrying so much about the product, about what my son actually gets in his mouth. I need to focus on the process, about how my son is learning to eat, manners and all.

self control

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In my last RIE class there was an incident that led to a big discussion about self control.

One baby, let’s call him A, kept going to a little girl and hitting her on the head. Although we have the two teachers and all the moms there, we were not always able to block the hitting. Whenever it happened, the girl would go to her mom who would hug her until she felt better.

At one point the boy walked (he is one of two in my class that can already walk) toward the girl. Our teacher who narrates said “A, no.” The boy’s mom, taking our teacher’s lead, began saying “no, no” to her son and scooting toward him. Then the boy hit the girl, hard. She was crying uncontrollably. Our other teacher, who interacts with the babies, came over. The boy’s mom and the girl’s mom came over. Three adults, 2 babies.

Both moms were trying to console the girl. Then the boy tried to hit her again. This time, his mom grabbed his arm and said “no you cannot hit her.” The girl was screaming. The three adults were hovering. The whole debacle seemed to upset the boy who just walked away to play with the toys outside.

This is when our teacher began a conversation about modeling. You see, when my teacher said “A no” her ‘no’ was indifferent. There was no shame or warning in her statement. There were already a few times that the boy hit the girl and was blocked. So this last time, when he walked over, the teacher simply stated, ‘no’. The mom’s ‘no’ was not the same. She said it a few times and it was done admonishingly. Furthermore, she resorted to grabbing his arm to stop his last attempt.

Who can blame her? This is an emotional scene. It is emotional because we as adults lose our self control and just react in the moment. Whenever we see our own child doing something to another child, or if another child does something to our baby, it is extremely hard to breath and calmly walk towards them. It is extremely hard to resist the reactionary “NO!” and the arm grab. And why wouldn’t it be extremely hard? It is a tough and emotional situation.

Yet we never get any repercussions for losing our self control.

Babies do not have a lot of self control. Self control is a skill that babies learn, slowly, over years and years. And although they do get better as they hit several developmental milestones, they are still led by their emotions. They can’t help it. When they feel something strongly it will take over and they are no longer acting out of reason or logic, but out of emotion.

The problem is the moment we grab their hand, the moment we act aggressively, our children will want to resist. They will resist when we physically hold on to their bodies. They will resist when we yell “no”.

“So what are we supposed to do?”, the boy’s mom and I both asked our teacher.

We can never model non aggression with aggression. If we do not want our children to be physically rough with another child, then we cannot be physically rough with them. There is never a time when we should grab our child’s arm or body to stop them from doing something. If we want to stop them, we block. This means simply placing our hand in between them and whatever or whoever we are trying to protect. If you find that simply blocking, as stated above, is not working, the best thing to do is to physically remove your child from the situation.

Practicing respectful parenting means not only respecting our children, but also teaching them to respect themselves and others. This happens organically of course because we treat them with trust and respect. We are models to our children.

Furthermore, our teacher noted, we need to remember that babies are building their self control and to notice the times they are demonstrating control rather than only noting the times they lose it.

Yes, toward the end of class A was constantly walking over to the girl and trying to hit her. What about during the first 30 minutes of class when he would walk over to her and admire the bow in her hair? What about all the times he walked by another baby, once even just inches away from them, without touching or hitting their head? What about when my son had a ball in his mouth and A walked over and grabbed the ball out of my son’s mouth without touching any other part of my son’s face? Most importantly, what about when he removed himself from the emotional situation to go outside? There were so many moments within the 90 minutes of class where A showed incredible self control. Which is not easy, especially for a baby who is walking among crawlers.

When I started teaching, my mentor gave me a book, Tools for Teaching by Fred Jones. This book had so much advice in it that correlates to RIE. One thing I remember reading was about controlling our own anger as a teacher. The book outlines ways to do this and the biggest rule is to breathe. When students get out of control or do something in class, first take a few breathes. This is because simply breathing forces you to calm down.Your heart rate goes down, your muscles relax. This also buys you a few seconds to think about what just happened, to act accordingly. Then walk over and do whatever disciplinary action needs to be done with the students. The high school where I taught, discipline was the #1 priority. If you could not control your class, there was no hope in teaching them anything. And I cannot tell you how many times this breathing technique saved my classroom environment.

It’s not easy though. It is not easy to have such control.

So back to parenting and back to the little boy. At the end, do we punish him for hitting the girl. No, we do not. Because he lost control. Which we all do. What we really need to start doing is what I had to do when I was training to be a teacher. We have to work on ourselves.

We need to train to have better self control. We need to slow down. We need to breathe. We need to reflect, respect, and respond (the 3 R’s), rather than react. We need to act gently.

It’s on us to change our behavior if we want to influence our children’s behavior. We need to work on ourselves so that we can be the best models for our kids.

And no…it’s not easy. But no one ever said parenting would be easy.

 

first RIE class

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I have outlined my style of teaching.

I have talked about the mommy struggles.

I introduced RIE.

For a while, I thought I would keep trying things at home based on what I had read in articles I found online. But ultimately, reading ideas in theory is very different then seeing the application of those ideas in real life.

So I decided to enroll in a RIE class. Continue reading “first RIE class” →