sharing Archives ⋆ desere shuter

We are officially in the season of gifts, and as we enter the third night of Hannukah, I want to write today about how I feel about gift giving to little kids.

I am a firm believer that gifts should be given uniquely, not equally. This idea stems from my own feelings, as well as from reading Siblings Without Rivalry, a fantastic book by Adele Faber:

In other words, just because my younger son got a wheel barrow for Hannukah, doesn’t mean my older son needs to get it too.

Why am I even writing about this?

I am sure as parents of young kids, we all know what the constant struggle is like when our kids fight over toys. With a 4 and 2 year old, my main focus of parenting has become almost exclusively conflict resolution, with some emotional intelligence sprinkled in.

The boys are always arguing about some toy they both want at the same time. And therefore most of my day is spent validating each little person’s feelings about how badly he wants this thing, or how he does NOT want his brother to touch that thing, etc. All while trying to keep everyone’s body safe, because sometimes these conflicts become physical.

Sigh . . . what if my kids just had two of everything ?!?

Well many parents, with good intentions, try just that. To avoid some conflicts during gift giving times (holidays/birthdays), some simply give their children the same thing so each has their own.

Now just to clarify, I am not anti my kids receiving two of something similar if they both need it. About a year ago we got both of our kids a bike. A balance bike for my youngest and a regular bike for my oldest. We felt it was time for them to have bikes and that they would love it. Sometimes, this truly is the case.

What I want to focus on today, however, is giving the same/similar gifts in order to specifically avoid future conflict. If the only reason you are buying your kids the same gift is so they won’t end up fighting over it, I believe this is your own trigger that needs to be dealt with. Watching kids fight is uncomfortable. Watching kids cry is uncomfortable. Watching your child upset is uncomfortable. I get that. I am naturally a more empathic person and it is extremely hard to watch my child in these moments without letting it become personal.

But that’s the whole point of parenting this way. I have to acknowledge that I am feeling uncomfortable, this is about me. If we really want to be intentional with our choices, we need to make them about our kids.

Is it really healthy to teach my kids to avoid conflicts through something superficial like gifts?

Is it healthy to be modeling my lack of trust in them to figure these things out amongst themselves?

Is it right to be distracting my child from his/her feelings?

Am I setting my kids up for success as adults by doing any of this?

Yesterday, my older son received a digital camera, which he has been pining over for about 6 months. My youngest received a child sized wheel barrow. As the camera wasn’t charged yet, the wheel barrow instantly become the star of the show. Both kids were screaming. My oldest kept yelling at my youngest that it wasn’t his, it was for EVERYONE. My youngest just wanted to play with the parts as it was being put together while my oldest was yelling at his dad to finish building the whole thing. It was a meltdown disaster.

All the while, I am wondering maybe we should have just given them both wheel barrows for Hannukah, what a mistake.

But as we know with respectful parenting, meltdowns are caused by all kinds of factors, and often are not about whatever your child is crying about. So what’s going on here with my oldest son?? (other than of course the wheel barrow being really cool)

Well, it is 6:30pm, close to bedtime. He has been pumped full of chocolate coins and jelly donuts, music and a puppet show, not to mention just the pure excitement of being with his grandparents and aunt and uncle. Hey a party of more than 4 people is as exciting as it gets these days, right??

So of course his self regulation, which is minimal at best for any 4 year old with an undeveloped frontal cortex, is off the rocker.

My only priority in the moment was to help my son navigate his big feelings. That’s it.

“You really want this wheel barrow to be built all the way.”

“You want it done, NOW!”

“I hear you.”

It’s hard. Not only the validating of emotions without fixing the problem part, but also having to deal with both kids without FORCING one to share. (more about my feelings on sharing here).

And the whole time, I am wondering if any of this is even worth it? Am I really doing anyone a favor by not just getting two of the same thing? The headache alone is exhausting.

My father asked me about it while he watched everything unfold. He asked why I feel so strongly about this. And although I answered with many of the aforementioned reasons, in the back of my mind I still felt so tired of dealing with this.

But then this morning it happened.

Both kids woke up and instantly grabbed their new toys. Franky, with his charged camera, began taking pictures of everything. Nathan, who had the wheel barrow parked next to his crib all night, instantly began delivering stuffed animals from room to room. And I could hear Franky say to his little brother, in the cutest, softest voice, how happy he was that Nathan got a gift just for him, how it was a little gift for little Natani. And all morning, although there were some hiccups here and there, they traded playing with both the wheel barrow and the camera. They were both so happy just to have these new items. And they were happy FOR each other.

Will this euphoria fueled by a full night of sleep last? Probably not. I don’t think I am seeing the end of their bickering over who gets to play with what and when and how.

However I know that I need to keep believing in this style of parenting. I need to keep trusting my kids to navigate these big feelings (with me as their guide). I need to keep trusting my kids to figure out how to “share” without my yelling at them to do so, or even getting involved at all.

And lastly, I am fostering their relationship because they are seeing each other as unique, individuals worthy of something special. Franky realized the next morning that the wheel barrow was something special for his little brother and he was happy FOR him. He was happy WITH him.

It is really tough watching a sibling get a gift that you find fascinating and fun as well. It is really tough watching a sibling get attention. But just as on their birthday I won’t be getting gifts for each of my children so no one feels left out, I will continue not getting two of the same gifts in order to avoid conflicts. Because only then will I be able to see these moments of love and respect between my children.

I believe this mentality will ultimately benefit them, and me. Time will tell and I will keep you updated…

Last week the most interesting thing happened in my RIE class, and it involves the idea of sharing. This idea is pretty taboo in the world of respectful parenting and there are several important reasons for that. But before I talk about that, let me describe specifically what unfolded in class.

A boy, let’s call him Max, was playing with a toy school bus. He was incredibly immersed in his play. A second boy, let’s call him Erik, arrived and was immediately interested in the truck as well. This was the first time this toy was out, so understandably Erik was drawn to it, as were all the children in class when they arrived. Also when toys are being played with they are animated and much more fascinating than static toys on the floor. Regardless of the reason, Erik was looking at the bus and went towards it.

Erik took the bus. Max started crying. Erik immediately stopped and turned around to look at Max. The teacher said “Max you had the bus and now Erik has it, that made you upset. Erik you see Max is upset.”

After a while of staring, Erik took the bus with him to another spot and played with it. Max was still crying in his mother’s lap. After a few minutes, Erik dropped the bus and moved on to something else. Max immediately stopped crying, went over, grabbed the bus, took it back to near his mom, and began playing with it again.

Several minutes go by, Erik sees the bus in motion. He comes back and grabs the bus. Max again completely breaks down. Erik stops. He stares at Max and again the teacher describes the situation. There was no blame, no victim, just the facts. “Max you had the bus, now Erik has it. Max really doesn’t like that. Erik you are looking at Max.”

It seemed this time Erik stared for longer. Then he turned around, took the bus to another spot. After few minutes when the bus was again abandoned, Max stopped crying to retrieve it once more.

This scenario repeated over and over. Each time it appeared that Erik stared at Max, bus in hand, longer and longer.

Eventually instead of dropping the bus Erik would bring the bus back to Max and then go play with something else.

And finally after excruciating transfer over and over of the bus between the boys, Erik brought the bus back to Max and sat down next to Max. Both boys continued to play cooperatively with the bus for several minutes. Afterwards, both boys moved on.

So let’s get back to the hot topic of sharing. The last scene I described would be considered as a scene of Erik sharing with Max. But the buildup to this was so much more substantial. I watched, along with the other moms, Erik take the toy over and over. And I watched closely Erik’s face as he stared back at Max breaking down. Why was he staring for so long at Max? He had the toy, which is what he wanted. Why not just go and play with his trophy? It’s not like Erik never heard crying before. There was more to the way he was staring than that.

And when we talked about what happened I realized what was going on.

Erik was learning cause and effect. Erik was learning that Max’s crying was a reaction to his taking of the bus. Erik was learning about the power he yields. Erik was growing.

You see cause and effect are complicated things to teach babies and toddlers. It takes a certain cognitive awareness to understand when I do A, B happens. Simple things are learned early on. When I push this ball, it rolls away. When I drop this toy, it hits the floor and makes a noise. But emotional cause and effect take much longer to develop. Things like when I hit this person, they cry because they are hurt. I mean, think about that. It is kind of an abstract thing to think about. For someone to truly understand this type of emotional cause and effect, they need to have a certain level of empathy first. They need to put themselves in someone’s shoes. They need to be aware of others’ thoughts and feelings. This is complex.

And here we have this 18 month old, having this HUGE aha moment.

Erik was always the first to do things in class. He was the first to walk when everyone was still crawling. He was the first to climb when everyone was walking. He was always very confident and knew the power of his body. Now he was learning the social consequence of this power.

Let’s not forget about Max. Although he may not have ‘grown’ as much as Erik throughout this process, Max still went through something incredible. He went through trust and mistrust. When Erik would bring back the bus directly to Max, that was building trust and relationship. But then Erik would come take it away, mistrust.

The end seemed to hold the biggest growth for Max. When Max arrived at class he clung to his mom. He found the bus and brought it right next to his mom so that he could sit in her lap while playing with it. Every time he went to retrieve it, he came back to within inches of his mom. Only after Erik ‘shared’ and the boys played together, did it seem that Max felt finally free to move on as well. Only then did he leave his mother’s vicinity and begin to participate in the class with the everyone else.

After such an incredible scene, where is my issue with ‘sharing’ then? Well let me tell you…

So many times have I been at a play date or at the park, and seen what adults think about ‘sharing’. Let’s say this exact thing happened anywhere other than RIE class. Erik comes and takes the bus from Max. Max cries. Erik’s mom immediately rushes over, grabs Erik’s hand, takes the toy, and returns it to Max. She then admonishes Erik for his inability to share. This not only is something that Erik, at this age, has no ability to comprehend, the violence with which this all happened is sending him a message that it is in fact ok to rip a toy out of someones hand, because after all that’s exactly what his mom just did to him. Erik is now confused about the mixed messages. And Max never has the chance to a) let out his feelings, b) get the toy back, or c) find another toy to be satisfied with.

All for what? Because adults think that sharing is so important if we don’t force it at a young age our children will grow up to be horrible selfish monsters? Or is it that a child’s crying is so uncomfortable, that we will do anything to fix the situation.

Well what if Max needed to cry? What if Max was crying from the bus being taken, but was also letting out some feelings that he had pent up and this was his only time to do so? What if at the end Max felt free to leave his mom because he let out some really good cries?

We don’t need to fix it.

So often when a child takes a toy from another child, he/she is completely unbothered.

Or, they are bothered and want to do something about it. I have seen a child try to take someone’s toy, and the child holding it will tighten their grip, or turn around and walk/run in the other direction. I have seen a child take someone’s toy and the child then goes to find something else.

Resiliency. (as my teacher always reminds us)

We are not raising monsters. We are raising resilient, problem solving human beings. We are raising people who do not need us to intervene and fix things for them. Not in this case anyway.

I think back to what I saw in class and how incredible it was to watch Erik grow so much within one hour. I think about how that opportunity would have been completely lost in any other setting. And once more I am convinced that respectful parenting is right for me. Because we respect our children and the choices they make. We trust them. They will ‘share’ if they choose to. They will share when they are ready. In the meantime, just sit back and observe. Some incredible growth could be happening before your very eyes.

The most fascinating part… in this week’s class Erik kept doing something that validated his growth. When he arrived he kept ‘checking in’ with Max. It was like, he knew this was someone he has influenced in the past and he was still curious about what this other person was experiencing. Whenever he would hold the school bus he would look back and find Max. There was a new dynamic, a new bond between them.

Incredible.