Tag: slow down

who are playgrounds for?

Desere

playground

[pley-ground]

noun

an area used for outdoor play or recreation, especially by children

Playgrounds are for our children right?

Have you been to one recently? Go. And tell me if your observations match mine.

I see parents micro managing their children’s ‘enjoyment’ of the playground.

“Climb up there.”

“Go down the big slide.”

“Why don’t you play over here?”

I see care takers on their phones the entire time.

I see moms walking their toddlers up the structures.

I hear parents asking their kids if they can go home because they (the parent) is hungry.

The swings are a love hate relationship.

There are directions for which slide to go down, and how.

Does reading any of this sound bizarre to you?

Playgrounds, of all places, should be a place for your child to have complete ownership. They should do as much, or as little, as they want. They should be able to play in the sand the entire time without glancing at the play structure. And they should be able to go down the same slide over and over, even ‘backwards’.

Why then do parents feel the need to control this experience?

Here is what I think:

1) fear

I know it is scary. But when you let your child explore the play structure in their own way, they are way more careful than you think. And if they aren’t, you don’t have to stand a mile away! You can stand there to make sure they don’t fall from any unsafe height.

I usually let my son climb the structure on his own but I stay nearby on the ground. I stand by any big openings. Occasionally my son comes to check out the openings and I tell him it is a very big drop. If he tries to come through, I stop him. But he has never tried.

2) mistrust of child’s capabilities

I find it astonishing when I see toddlers who are fully walking, being led up the play structure hand in hand by their parent. Even when your child can crawl, let them crawl up the structure alone. Giving them this space and trust is what will help them in turn learn to trust their own bodies. This is called body knowledge, and it needs to be learned.

Furthermore, your child needs to fall. That’s how they learn what it means to fall. I fully agree with Magda Gerber that “learning to fall, getting up again and moving on is the best preparation for life.”

The problem is that a lack of body knowledge is a consequence of never letting your child learn about their bodies. If for their entire life, you have been there aiding your child to sit up, stand, walk, go down steps, etc, then you have officially become an enabler to your child. They feel like they can do these things because they have always had your hand and help. Unfortunately this means they never fully learned their own body’s capacity of doing these things on their own. They haven’t fully mastered balancing. They haven’t felt the gravity push them down each step. And because of this, they probably won’t be very safe on top of play structures. In that case, I can see why a care-taker may want to hold a child’s hand and be next to them every step of the way.

But that sucks. It sucks for the child. It sucks for you! Don’t you want a break?

3) inability to let go

I was at the park the other day and my son was playing with a bunch of toys in the sand. Another little boy walked over to play and his dad immediately stopped him and said “we didn’t come here to play in the sand” while leading him up to the structure. But doesn’t that just sound so absurd? His son wanted to play in the sand. Is it really so hard to let go?

I hear parents complain all the time about being tired, about running out of things to do with their child, about not knowing how else to entertain their 2 year old. None of these things need be an issue if we just learned to let go a bit. I go to the park every morning. Why? Not only does my son LOVE being outdoors, but this is also the best break ever! I get to sit under a tree or walk barefoot in the grass while my son does whatever he wants to. Sometimes he is climbing, sometimes he is sitting in the sand and not moving, sometimes he walks around, and sometimes he is next to me for a long time. No matter what, I am at peace.

I think that is the hardest thing for some parents, because being at peace means letting go. Let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how’ children should play. Let go of the idea that if you don’t lead them they won’t get the most out of the experience. Let go of the stress.

Your child IS getting the most out of the experience, regardless of what they are doing. Trust them. Trust yourself. You are enough.

 

leaving your child for a few min

Desere1 Comment

I wrote my last post on the dangers of screens, and the questions I believe you should be asking yourself when you believe you cannot leave your child alone without a screen.

Then I decided to write down how I go about having some alone time throughout the day, whether it is for the bathroom or simply self care like drinking some tea by myself.

1. Set up a space that is safe for your child to be left in alone. I call this “the safe zone.” But most of the RIE community refers to this as a “yes space” because it is a space your child has no “no’s”, a space they can play in however they like. Use a play pen. Use gates at the door. Locking your child in is not cruel, it is necessary. Children CRAVE boundaries, both emotional and physical boundaries. Giving them too much space, too many toys, too much power is overwhelming. And that overwhelming feeling is what causes them to act out. Less toys, and open ended toys,  will allow your child to play for longer periods of time. To see my son’s safe zone, see the featured image at the top of this post.

2. Give Warnings. Tell your child what you are going to do before doing it. Don’t get up. Don’t move. Get your child’s attention and speak to them like an adult. I like to give two warnings before I actually leave. “In a few minutes I am going to go eat my breakfast.” Then “In one minute I’m going to go eat.”

3. Tell your child you are leaving and when you will be back. “I am now going to go eat breakfast. I will come back in a few minutes.” Again do this before moving and make sure you have your child’s attention. I have personally made the mistake of saying this too fast and leaving before making sure my son was looking and paying attention to my words because he was so engrossed in his play. Then when I left he freaked out, he never really heard me and I was too focused on leaving to realize that.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE feelings. Your child might not even bat an eye when you leave. Your child might cry hysterically. Either way, acknowledge it and go. “You really don’t want me to leave right now. I hear you. I am going to eat because I am really hungry, but I will come back in a few minutes.” Doing this means you BOTH can move on. Your child feels heard and can therefore (maybe not right away) emotionally move on. And you can physically move on to whatever you need to do.

5. Come back. This is where the trust gets built. You said you were leaving, and that you will be back in a few minutes. Then you came back in a few minutes. Therefore your child learns your words carry value. Next time when you say you will be back your child will hear that and remember it is true. Again, this does not mean they won’t protest. But that is their right.

6. Don’t act like the savior. When you get back, and this is important, don’t act like you are back to save the day. If your child cried the entire time you were gone (which will happen sometimes), when you get back simply sit down, give a hug, and say “You really didn’t like that I left. I am back now.” And let him/her release whatever emotions are still left. Just sit there. You don’t need to scoop up your child when you get back and act like “HERE I AM!”. You don’t need to be the savior that came back to fix your child’s crying.

Lastly, these things take time. Building a relationship with your child, with anyone, takes time. No real relationship can be forged in one day. So follow my steps, don’t back down, don’t give up, and be patient. Some days it will be better. Some days it won’t.

My son is a little past 2 years old and still, some days he cries and protests for me to stay in his safe zone. I acknowledge but I still go. Because I am teaching him that I am also worthy of respect, and that I need to take care of myself too. I am modeling how certain things are a priority so that he grows up knowing he is also worthy of respect and self care.

You don’t need a screen to be there for your child when you aren’t. Trust me, your child can be left alone as long as you set him up for success.

I hope you know I fully support you and believe you can do it. This is not easy. But parenting is not easy and should not be easy. It is easy to use the screen. It is not easy to listen to your child cry for 10 minutes while you are in the bathroom, or cry for 30 minutes while you cook dinner.

None of RIE is easy. But it’s worth it. Work hard now so that you have an easier time later. Put in the effort now to acknowledge feelings now so that you raise an adult who is emotionally intelligent. Give your child the tools now to be alone so that they grow to be resilient and self-sufficient. Give your child passive toys like blocks and bowls now and baskets and balls so that they can build up their attention span and problem solve.

Also being able to leave my son has been INVALUABLE since having my second son a couple months ago.

You can do this… and let me know how I can help!

technology and RIE

Desere3 Comments

Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).

meltdowns are my fault too…

Desere1 Comment

Although I wrote about my steps to get through the wave of emotions that emanate from my 2 year old son, I find it important to ask myself, why am I here?

Why have I found myself in meltdown city, again?

Sometimes toddlers just need to release a lot of pent up emotions. I get that. They live in a world where they feel things strongly and can rarely verbalize exactly what they want. Even when they can say what they want or need, they aren’t always met with a “yes!” Their lives are often controlled by us, their care takers, and that is hard sometimes.

But other times, there are things that lead up to meltdown city.

This morning we took an extra long time to make our way downstairs. There was playing and exploring in my bedroom. I needed to take a shower which caused delays. My son is into moving his stool from room to room to play with the light switches. He kept saying he was hungry and wanted pancakes, but then would get distracted by something new. By the time we did everything we actually needed to get done (brush teeth, change diaper, new clothes), it was already later than normal and we were both hungry. Very hungry.

So we get downstairs, and now my son is on the verge. I can feel it in the air.

I rush him into his learning tower where he can stand at counter height and ‘help’ me cook. I hurry to bring out all the ingredients and start pouring things into the measuring cup so he can pour it into the big bowl. I am rushing. He feels it.

He is mixing and it is getting messy. I’m trying not to care.

He said he was done (mixing) and lifted the whisk out of the bowl to hand to me. The batter was dripping all over the counter and floor. I snapped, a little.

We were both on the verge…

I started the stove and got the batter ready to pour. My son started demanding the big spatula, but when given that one he demanded a different one. He then started crying for gold fish. I normally never give him snacks before breakfast but I caved. I felt  bad that we were taking so long to get breakfast going so I opened the cabinet of his snacks to hand him a small bowl of gold fish. Big mistake.

He sees all his snacks and starts changing his mind as fast as I can hand him things.

He throws his bowl on the floor. Gold fish everywhere.

Now I’m angry, trying to clean up the gold fish while simultaneously pouring batter on the pan and make those gosh darn pancakes already.

We were in meltdown city.

It was awful. It was a disaster.

And the worst part was that I led us there.

Reflecting back on this whole experience, I am shocked that I didn’t think from the beginning to just hand him a bagel and have that be our breakfast for today. My son loves plain bagels, and it takes less than a minute to prepare. I could have had him at his table, eating breakfast with a cup of milk in no time.

Maybe he would have insisted for pancakes since he did ask for them earlier, but I doubt it. Even so, I could have dealt with it in the moment. A simple “you really wanted pancakes but I prepared bagel for you this morning.”

Instead, I fumbled in the kitchen and went through the motions of cooking with him. Cooking is already an activity that is iffy because I am trying to ‘direct’ him a lot while allowing him the space to explore and learn in the kitchen. It’s not my favorite but my son really enjoys helping me prepare food.

That was my mistake. I led us through all the small setbacks that ultimately drove us to a meltdown. And I write “us” because I was hungry and angry and sad and exhausted too.

I am writing to make a promise to myself to be more aware in the moment. So much easier said than done. But I know that it is like a muscle that takes practice. I need to start being more conscious of the environment I am creating and avoid situations that could lead us to a meltdown. If I take too much time upstairs and he has already expressed his hunger => bagel breakfast. Simple.

Not really that simple. Actually parenting is never simple. And there are SO many moments throughout the day where we have to make split second decisions that can shape both of our emotional outcomes. That’s so hard. But maybe the act of physically writing about it will help me remember? It is so hard to be calm and rational in those moments though.

So the point of this blog post is to humbly spread awareness that sometimes we parents cause the meltdown. This is especially true when we are dealing with a hungry or tired child.

I don’t have an answer to stop this. I don’t have a “just do this and this and you can avoid meltdowns!” solution. But maybe we don’t need to stop it. Maybe it isn’t about avoiding meltdowns but more about being aware of why they happen and how to get through them in an emotionally healthy way?

 

you dont need to show them

Desere

In my very first post I described the type of teacher I was and how I believed aha moments were pivotal to my classroom environment. It was so important to me not to take away my students’ aha moment and this influenced my style of teaching. I had to build this type of culture of students leading the learning.

I never lectured and I never showed my students how to solve anything.

This may seem like a weird thing for a teacher to say. I promise you, my students learned, a lot.

But the difference with my style of teaching was that they were able to own each aha moment. And there is something to be said about this. When someone shows you something and you replicate it, you may feel good that you can do it too. But when you achieve something on your own there is a whole new sense of worth.

I have seen students rise to the occasion. I have seen how being confident in my students’ abilities led them to actually figure things out without me showing them how. All I had to do was let go of this need that I had. A need to show them. A need to ensure they do it right.

I heard this with teachers all the time. If I don’t give them the formula how will they know how to solve the problem? or If I don’t show them an example how will they know what to do?

I understood. You don’t want your students to fail. You want them to do it right, to complete their homework, to pass the test, to move on to the next teacher without making you look bad. You want them to succeed in life.

So it is hard to sit back and wait. It is hard to let someone do the learning, to do the heavy lifting, other than you. Especially when you think it is your job to show them how to do everything.

It was hard for me at first too. I remember when I was working under my mentor teacher, I kept wondering what was the point to this style of teaching. How could it be worth it for some concepts which could have been learned in 5 minutes to actually take hours to learn? I’ll never forget the pythagorean theorem lesson.

How long does it take to draw this on the board, have students copy it down, and explain you simply plug in whatever numbers you have to solve for the unknown side? About 5 minutes. I remember my teacher in high school showing me this and then giving several example problems of doing just that. I remember being able to do the same at home and thinking I was a genius because I totally understood the pythagorean theorem.

But with my style of teaching, with my mentor’s style of teaching, this theorem took an entire 1.5 hour lesson. Without me describing every detail of that lesson right now, basically the curriculum uses a game and probability to guide students to develop this equation on their own. Yes, they literally come up with the pythagorean theorem by the end of the lesson. And yes it takes 1.5 hours, sometimes longer. But at the end students really understood why this equation looks the way it does. They understand why we square the sides and why it equals c squared. There is an entire progression to their understanding. And only at the end do we say, “oh actually the equation you just came up with, well a man a really long time ago named Pythagoras found it first so now we name it after him.” Every time I taught this lesson (or any lesson) my students were not only so proud of themselves, they enjoyed it! The best part, they remembered what they learned months later because of this deeper understanding.

But it’s hard to let go. It takes so much longer. It takes patience. It takes more work on your part than you think because you are sitting back and watching kids fail over and over without ‘saving’ them. You are thinking about how to guide them without doing it for them. But I promise you this way works. My students always got there in the end. They did because everything they have ever learned and seen and done in their entire lives is a part of them and has given them the tools they need to build off their own understanding. Sometimes they needed help, of course. But that’s when I used questioning to help, to guide them, instead of giving them direct answers.

Anyway, I’m telling you this because I want to continuously shed light on the type of teacher I was, which has played a HUGE role in the type of mother I am and the style of parenting I believe in.

As parents, we tend to think our job is to show our children how to do everything.  It was just like hearing the teachers, but now I hear it with parents. She will never know what to do if I don’t show her first. or I need to show him how to do it. 

First of all let go of that. Who cares?

Who cares if your child will use the little watering can as a drum for the next few years? Why does it matter for your one year old to know how to put the cymbals together to make a noise, or to pick up the crayon and draw something on a piece of paper?

I know you don’t want your kids to fail. You put things in their hands and do things for them. It is out of love and I understand this need as a mom, and as a teacher.

But it is a disservice.

Your child is not learning when you do things for them. They are not achieving anything, their brains aren’t growing, and they are not owning the aha.

If it’s a matter of saving time, when would you like to save the time? Is it worth it to save time now, when they are young, by showing them how to do things, only to be stuck years later with someone who can’t figure things out on their own? Someone who can’t persist through their own struggles? I mean it was like when I was teaching. The first 3-4 months were just setting up the classroom environment, setting up my students to rely on themselves and their groups instead of me. It was taking the time, excrutiatingly, to push students further and further so they see that they don’t actually need me to do everything for them. It was sitting with each group, one at a time, literally showing them how to work in a group and how to share ideas. It was setting up this foundation which took so much time and effort in the beginning of the year, so that by the end I was able to sit back and enjoy the learning happening all around me, often without me.

Furthermore, part of respectful parenting is treating your kids like you would adults who you respect and care for. Would you buy someone a gift, open it for them, and show them what to do? I mean, that’s crazy and demeaning. I can’t imagine doing that for my husband or my mother or anyone. So why do we do this with our own children?

Let them do whatever they want to do with whatever object they have in their hands. (as long as it is safe of course) Let them explore. Let them be young and creative.

You are worried they will never figure something out, but children’s minds are inherently explorative. They are constantly learning everything around them. Their brains are working and growing at max capacity. It has to be for them to learn to crawl and walk and talk and eat and everything. So just naturally they will try everything until something works. When we enjoy the process rather than the product, we enjoy watching our little ones figure things out rather than showing them what to do each time.

Earlier I mentioned that teachers feel like their job is to show students how to do everything. But shouldn’t it be more than that? I could care less if students remembered the binomial theorem or even the formula for area and volume. We have computers for that who can do it better and faster than us anyway. Instead I always felt like if I could send out to the world people who knew how to work together and problem solve, who knew what to do in challenging situations, and who knew that where there is struggle there is also strength, then I would be a successful teacher.

I knew that the trivial mathematical stuff didn’t matter, but the characteristics they were building in my class did.

Shouldn’t it be the same as a parent? Do we really care about showing our children every thing that crosses their path? Do we need to stress ourself out to make sure they do everything “the right way”? Or should we instead be striving to raise resourceful, persistent, confident, cooperative, aware human beings?

Let’s focus on who they are. Let’s trust them. Let’s do less so they do more. 

don’t assume

Desere1 Comment

As parents we make a lot of assumptions on behalf of our children. We assume that they’re tired. We assume that they’re bored. We assume that they’re angry. We assume that they’re scared.

When we are at a play date and see someone take our child’s toy, we assume our child is upset. When we see our child fall, we assume our child is hurt.

But young children run on instinct and are driven to explore. They are directed by an internal motivation to play, and through that play learn instinct and experimentation. They are impulsive and can’t always be rationalized with. They feel … strongly. All of these reasons are why we cannot assume things about them.

Let’s look at some specific examples.

when they play

Parents constantly assume their kids are bored. This is one of the biggest criticisms I hear about RIE parenting, that doing baby-led play instead of playing with our children leaves them bored. This is completely untrue. Babies and young children don’t get bored. They could be pausing to think about what they just touched or did, they could be deciding where next to go, they could simply be taking in a reflection they see from the window. Bored… they are not. And if they are bored, it is a consequence of being constantly entertained without the freedom of uninhibited play. Don’t worry this is easy to fix, just let them be bored.

As for child-led play, we also cannot assume they want to do something with a certain toy. That’s the whole point of this type of play, is letting them play and learn while we observe. They might pick up something simply for the look of it, but if we join in assuming they want to play with that toy, we are officially directing their play. It is no longer theirs. This is why Magda Gerber urges caregivers to step back, let your child do the playing and you will be amazed at the things they come up with. But this means getting rid of biases and assumptions of what ‘play’ is.

when they steal

One child is holding a toy. Another kid comes and takes the toy away. The “stealing” kid’s mother comes over, yanks the toy from their hand, gives it back to the first kid, all while saying something like “no don’t do that, you have to share, that is not nice, if you don’t share we are leaving.” How many of you have seen something like this?

Why are we assuming that young children are bothered by toys being taken? Moreover why are we assuming our child needs us to fix the situation?

If your child is the victim, let them be. Let them learn resourcefulness. Kids live in the moment. They will either try to get their toy back or move on. They may even go find a replacement toy. How cool is that!? They might go find something else to play with because they understand someone has their original item of interest. And why take that aha away from them? Why save them? If they are upset, that’s because they just learned they can’t always have everything they want. That’s an important message in life.

If your child is the stealer, then so be it. They saw something that seemed interesting and went after it. As long as they took it respectfully, which they often do if given the chance, then why stop them? I feel like it is more out of fear that we step in. We are afraid the other kid is upset. We are afraid someone will judge our child for being a bully.  We are afraid someone will judge us for not doing something. But this isn’t about you, the adult, who has life experiences that taught you about repercussions and complex emotions. It’s about the child. Janet Lansbury eloquently writes, “Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning”.

Stop trying to fix it.

when they fall

I see this all the time, a small child falls and the parent rushes over in a panic. The parent fusses as the child learns the power they now have over their caregiver.

I get it, when my son falls my heart stops. It’s indescribable the fear I feel in that moment, wondering if he is all right. Most of the time… he is. I am constantly amazed at how non-fragile babies and kids are.

The problem when we do this is we assume they are in pain and and they feed off this assumption. When we rush over, we are sending several messages to our kid. We are telling them falling or getting hurt is the worst thing that could happen and that they need us. We create a dependency on ourselves to save them from what they are feeling.

I find however, simply stating what you observe is the best thing to do. It helps them make sense of what just happened, and build resiliency. My son often hits his head and I tell him that. I don’t say “poor baby are you ok oh my gosh.” I also don’t try to make him forget with “you’re ok, it’s fine, nothing happened.” I walk over normally, ensure my face is in a natural state, and tell him “you hit your head, I saw that.”

Then I read the situation. If he is still crying hysterically I tell him I am going to pick him up, and I hold him. More often, he calms down and looks at me. Sometimes he looks at where he hit his head, sometimes he puts his hand on his head where he got hurt. He is making sense of what just happened, and I am helping him do it without being his “hero” who saves him from the situation.

This is hard to do, of course, because like I said my heart literally stops when he appears to get hurt. But then, I realize my assumptions that he is hurt are often wrong and seeing him continue to play seconds later makes me confident of this method.

when they “talk”

Often when a toddler says something, we assume to know what they are referring to so we can respond. I mean what else can we do when our toddler is speaking to us using one word sentences? We look at their body language and their tone and deduce the meaning of their message.

What I’ve learned however is sometimes the best thing you can do is, again, say what you observe.

A boy in my RIE class oftentimes points up at the snack table on top of the cabinet and says “nak”. He usually does this before snack time starts. At first his mom would say “you are hungry and ready for snack” or “you want snack”. But he would just keep saying “nak”. Our teacher told the mom that maybe he isn’t hungry. Instead of assuming he is hungry, just say “you see the snack table.” The mom did, the boy lit up and walked away.

You see sometimes they just want to feel heard, feel understood. And acknowledging them this way does so without unknown assumptions. No deniability, as my teacher says. By simply stating what we see there is no denying what we are saying out loud to be true or false, as the case with the boy who wasn’t hungry but just saying he sees the snack table.

Another example that happened in my class was a boy kept saying “daddy.” So the mom tried to rationally let him know daddy is home and they will see him when they get home. The boy persisted. All throughout class, “daddy”, “daddy”, “DADDY”.

The teacher turned to the boy and said “you are saying daddy, you really want daddy.” The boy looked at her, then went on to play.

 

So what’s my point with all this? What are we to do? We are humans who assume. Assumptions help us navigate our world. But too often babies and young children are treated as objects because we assume things for them. They are people, through and through. Assumptions about them simply underestimate their abilities.

I had a teacher in high school who used to tell us “to assume is to make an ass out of you and me.” Maybe inappropriate to be telling this to high school students, but the message stuck.

So stop assuming. Just be there, acknowledge, and trust.

it’s the process not the product

Desere2 Comments

I wrote about the RIE approach to feeding my son, and since he was 7 months old this way of eating has really worked for both of us.

But now he is 13 months old, and he is eating more than ever. Sometimes I feel anxious that I can’t keep up with how much he can eat. I worry if he is getting enough veggies and carbs, if he has the right balance of protein and fruit. He also loves flavor, so I am constantly switching up the spices, being careful not to add too much salt to anything.

Some days, he eats a lot. He can eat 3 eggs in the morning, a bagel at lunch, and a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

Other days, he barely eats.

I make chicken flavored one way and he will eat the whole thing. I make chicken flavored another way and he seems to hate it.

It drives me crazy.

And it makes me nervous.

I know he needs to eat. He needs to eat so he can grow. He also needs the energy. So I get preoccupied with what he is taking in.

But its not supposed to be about what he is actually eating. Feeding times are a time to bond, and a time to teach him manners. I am supposed to be teaching my son how to eat.

Some days he takes the food, some days he does not. Who cares? He won’t starve. I give him plenty of opportunities throughout the day with breakfast, snack, lunch, and dinner. On top of all this, I am still breastfeeding a few times a day. So I know he won’t starve. Kids aren’t built like that anyway. If he is hungry he will eat or cry to let me know.

So why am I worrying so much? I need to trust him! RIE is about trust!

Today I made him scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato. He barely ate, spitting a lot of it out once it hit his tongue. I kept wondering why he was spitting it out. I kept taking more on my fork and trying to feed him directly.

Then I stopped myself, and remembered, it’s not the product that matters, it’s the process. I need to slow down…

So I scanned the situation.

Is he sitting down completely? Sometimes he squats, which should not be allowed because he can too easily pop up and leave with food in his hands or in his mouth. I made sure his butt was on the floor before he grabbed any food.

He is also now practicing using a spoon and fork. He just started taking them away from me one day, so I always give him his own set and let him practice using them on his own. I still have my utensil so I can offer him food directly.

But again, I need to remember this is a process. If I bring my fork toward him and he opens his mouth, he wants food. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. We can’t force someone to eat, just like we can’t force someone to sleep.

Sometimes he is working so hard on getting his own spoon in the bowl of yogurt, that he could care less about the spoon-full I am offering. And that should be ok. He is barely past 1 and is using his spoon! I should embrace this and encourage him in learning to use his utensils. After all, my job is to teach him to have manners at the table, right?

Of course that being said, the moment he starts swinging his fork back and forth trying to push food off the tray, I should stop him and say something like, “I will not let you do that, the fork is for eating not playing.” Because … manners.

I decided to write this because at my RIE class, we have begun doing snack time. It goes fairly similar to how I feed my son at home, but with 5 or 6 other toddlers and a lot more chaos. My son rarely sits down for snack. I can tell everything is just too stimulating for him. The toys are everywhere, there are kids all around doing their own thing. He will go to the table, and then a kid might crawl by holding something and my son gets instantly distracted.

So I asked my teacher if it was ok that he isn’t always participating in class even though at home feeding is going well. She told me, the purpose of class is to model how to feed this way. It is a parent guidance class after all. She was trying to show us how to approach giving our child food using trust and respect. The fact that Franky never eats in class means nothing. And then she continued to talk about process vs product.

So I guess I am mostly writing this as a reminder to myself.

I need to stop worrying so much about the product, about what my son actually gets in his mouth. I need to focus on the process, about how my son is learning to eat, manners and all.

relaxing play date

Desere

My last RIE class reaffirmed why I love this parenting philosophy so much.

When I walked in there was just one boy there already with his mom. I sat down with Franky on my lap and waited until he was ready to leave me. I waited until I could feel him leaning out of my lap. But he didn’t. A few minutes went by, five, then ten minutes, and my son sat on me, completely content.

When he was finally ready to leave, he didn’t go to the toys like every other class, he kept going to the other boy sitting on his mom.
My son was craving a social interaction, a connection with someone, not something.

The other boy, however, was simply craving time on his mom.

I learned that this boy goes to day care a few days a week, because the mom works part time. This is one of the few times during the week he probably gets his moms’ 100% undivided attention. So he was soaking it up.

And the best part about RIE class is that this boy could stay on his mom for as long as he wanted. He could hug her for the entire 1.5 hours of class. Because RIE class gives the space for kids to just be.

Just like my son could sit on me for longer than he normally does.

It’s important to allow the space for babies to warm up in their own way and to decide for themselves to be independent of us as their caregiver. There are so many times where we are the ones that put our kids down and leave them. How often do we leave them to use the restroom or prepare dinner? And how often do we give them the opportunity to leave us?

Later, a third boy came with his mom.
And that was it for today’s class, just three boys.

When the third came he began playing with the toys and my son went over to play with him.

Everything was so relaxed and so mellow. It was so refreshing.

I realized that this is the only time in the week  that I can have a play date where the moms are not distracted. There is no noise and chaos from kids screaming and running around, while moms sit around and chat about this and that.

When I go to those types of play dates, I feel like us moms are there for each other, not our kids. Which is valid. Being a stay-at-home mom is tough because often you spend most of your day without speaking to another adult. No conversation can mess with you. And so having a play date with the true intention of having other adults to talk to is completely understandable.

But I don’t like it. I don’t like it because my son’s needs get ignored. I don’t like entering those play dates and putting my son down so I can catch up with my mommy friends. I don’t like watching other kids clinging on their moms, craving a connection, but being pushed to “go play with the other kids so mommy can talk”. I never feel relaxed at these events.

I like RIE class because there is a predictability each week. The predictability is in the time and space we are providing for our babies, and for ourselves.

We always sit against the wall and observe. The room is always set up with the same wooden, silicone, and plastics toys. Our kids are always the ones that get to choose when to leave us to play. And they are always given the freedom to explore, or not.

I love being able to let go of preconceived ideas of what our kids should do or how they should play.

We get to let go because we know it’s a safe space. There are two teachers and several moms observing and providing minimal intervention if necessary.

We get to slow down.

Consequently, our kids get to slow down too.

Our kids get to take in every adult’s face. They get to climb, and fall. They get to play with open ended objects. They get to explore wood and metal. They get to go outside.

They also get to sit on us whenever they want, for as long as they want.

RIE class is the most relaxing of play dates I’ve ever had.

crying is uncomfortable

Desere6 Comments

My mom came over today.

I had just walked back from the park with my son and was dying to use the restroom. I walked in, put Frank on the floor, and told him I was sorry but really needed to use the restroom. Usually I give him a bigger warning but I didn’t think I could wait this time. So I left him on the floor with his grandma and went.

Frank cried. Sometimes he does when I leave.

When I came out of the bathroom, I sat on the floor and rubbed my son’s back. I told him I hear him and I see how sad he was that I left.

My mom turned to me and said, “I don’t think this RIE stuff works.”

This is not the first time she has said this phrase to me.

She explained that he was crying when I left. I said I heard. She said because she respects my parenting she didn’t do anything. So I asked her what is it that she would have done differently. She said she would have distracted him.

Why?

To stop his crying.

Now before I go on, I want to point out my mom has the best of intentions. She loves her grandson. And I love her dearly for trying to learn about this parenting philosophy because she sees how important it is to me. (I love you mom)

But here is the problem my mom is facing: crying makes her uncomfortable.

And I don’t blame her. Crying makes me uncomfortable too. As a matter of fact, I bet you it would be tough to find many people who didn’t feel weird when they heard crying, especially a baby crying. Our instincts tell us to help, help by making it stop.

But maybe our job is not to try and fix it. My son is sad because I left. Why do I need to stop his feeling sad?

When I am sad or upset and I sit with my husband to tell him what is bothering me, I don’t know how I would feel if he started waving something in front of my face or singing a song to me. Actually that’s a lie. I know how I would feel. I would feel angry and disrespected.

I want a shoulder to cry on. I want a listening ear. That’s what I crave when I’m sad.

Do babies deserve any less?

Well maybe they do. Maybe we should stop their crying. After all, feeling sad is… sad.

So let’s stop his feelings by distracting him. Let’s send him the message that this feeling of sadness he is experiencing is wrong, that he needs to ignore it, it needs to stop.

And it’s easy to distract a baby, simply wave something in front of their face.

The consequence of course is that I am now conditioning my baby to ignore this weird feeling. When my baby becomes let’s say seven years old, waving a toy might not be powerful enough. Maybe now when he’s feeling sad I will turn on a movie for him or give him ice cream. That is stronger than simply showing him a new object.

What happens when he becomes a teenager and starts feeling sad? What will he turn to that’s more powerful than TV in order to distract himself? I can think of a few things teenagers turn to to distract themselves from daily life, can’t you?

Am I implying that distracting my son so he stops crying will make him a drug addict? Of course not. But why aren’t we teaching our children how to handle healthy emotions? And why not start when they are young, really young? There is nothing wrong with feeling sad. As a matter of fact, children and babies are naturally inclined to release their feelings so they can move on.

As Patty Wipfler from Hand-in-Hand parenting explains:

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night.”

So crying is uncomfortable. I agree. Guess what, it is probably uncomfortable to your child as well. So let them cry and get over the big wave of emotions they are feeling. Then you both can move on.

Just to clarify however, I do not believe in the ‘cry it out’ method. When I say, let them cry, this does not mean leave them to cry alone and afraid while I wait in another room for it to stop. Respectful parenting is not about ignoring these feelings. Our job is to be present, and to support our child through it.

My presence is incredibly important during this time of big emotions. That is why when I got out of the restroom I didn’t pick my son up to rescue him from his own crying. I sat down on his level, told him that I was here, that I see he is sad, and that I understand.

I have this personal motto. I made it up when I was really young and used to use it whenever I got hurt. “Embrace and overcome.” If I fell or anything, I would tell myself embrace the pain and overcome. Then when I got older and was on the water polo team, I used it when practice was hard and my body was aching. Finally, when I was in labor with my son, I tried to remember this as well.

What’s my point with all this? Well this motto applies to crying and my son.

Allowing him to self soothe, with me being 100% present, is the best thing I can do when he is upset. Yes I am uncomfortable when I hear him crying because, crying is uncomfortable. But I need to embrace this uncomfortable feeling, and overcome it. This way I can help my son embrace his big feelings as well, and most importantly, overcome them. 

anticipation begets cooperation

Desere1 Comment

For the past two weeks or so, my son has been sick. Let me tell you, practicing respectful parenting with a sick baby is not easy!

The biggest struggle I have been having is wiping my son’s nose. He hates it! But there is not much I can do when he sneezes, I have to wipe him up. As I go near him with the tissue he immediately turns his head away. When I try to wipe he will whip his head back and forth and eventually whimper or scream for me to leave him alone.

This is when I realized, I am approaching him all wrong.

RIE has taught me a lot about slowing down. When we want our children to cooperate, it is important to remember they run at a much slower pace than we do. When we slow down, get down on their level, and speak to them with respect, this is often all they need to do what we ask.

Why on earth haven’t I been following my own advice the past two weeks!? Well, it’s because he is sick, and my husband is sick, and there is lack of sleep, and I forgot. I forgot that my goal is to trust and respect my son. always. I forgot that I should be treating him like a human, not an object. Who do you know that would want you to come up from behind and start wiping their nose for them?

So I did some research on one of the RIE Mom groups on Facebook, and found some advice for what to do. This morning, I tried it.

My son sneezed, and there was snot everywhere.

Not moving from my spot I said, “Franky, you sneezed and have a lot of snot, I am going to get a tissue.”

I got up and walked over to the tissue box. I grabbed one and sat back where I was originally sitting on the floor.

“I have a tissue now.” I waited until he saw me and came over out of interest. I let him touch the tissue.

“I need to wipe your nose with this tissue.”

More waiting.

“I am going to wipe you. 1 … 2 … 3 …” and I wiped his nose.

And you know what my son did. Nothing. He let me wipe his nose completely, he let me wipe his mouth and under his chin. He watched me throw the tissue away and then went back to playing with his toys.

Did the process maybe take longer than if I just attacked him with a tissue, maybe? But my son was not traumatized by the experience. I can’t believe I wasn’t doing this sooner!

At RIE class, my teacher often tells us “anticipation begets cooperation“. Allowing babies to anticipate our actions before we actually do anything, gives them the opportunity to cooperate. This is the difference between any care-giver and an educarer. (remember RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educarers). My teacher’s mentor, Magda Gerber, explains that “the care-giver may scoop up an infant unexpectedly from behind, thereby startling, interrupting and creating resistance in the infant, the educarer always tells the infant before she does anything with him or her and thus gains cooperation.”

So that’s it. The secret to getting babies to cooperate is often as simple as telling them what you plan on doing.

I explained in one of my posts how I change my son’s diaper. It is never an easy task, and what has helped me was getting my son as involved as possible, having him help me by lifting his legs and wiping. There are still, to this day, many times that this task is incredibly challenging. Before I am able to apply what I described in that post, he is struggling to even lay down. So I recently starting using my teachers advice with this as well.

When I suspect he needs a change, I let him know that I will be changing his diaper in a few minutes. After this time passes, I tell him I will pick him up to go change his diaper. As I carry him to his room I am telling him that we are going to his room to change his diaper. (as you probably noticed, I try to say the phrase ‘change your diaper’ as often as I can) Before setting him down I tell him, “I am about to put you on your changing table”. As I am lowering him, “I am putting you on the changing table now”. etc.

It may seem annoying to an outsider, but what I am trying to do is really convey the message to my son that which I am about to do to him. This gets him ready and he has become way more cooperative once I lay him all the way down.

Communication, that’s the key.

As I am meeting more moms and as my son is growing, I am realizing this approach to parenting really comes down to the #1 rule, respect. I want my son to know that I hear him, that I am with him, that we are a team. I am not doing things to him because he is not an object, he is a person. Of course, I need to change his diaper and feed him, but I want him to be part of the process. Therefore to remain respectful, I really can’t do anything without communication.

Does telling my son what I am going to do always work, no way! But when it does it makes me feel good knowing that I am truly respecting my child.

the 3 R’s of rie

Desere1 Comment

Recently I described one of the biggest tenets of RIE, baby-led play. In other words, letting your baby lead their own play time with yourself as an observer. This is true not only when you are home, just you and your child, but also when you are at play groups with many other babies around. Therefore, part of baby-led play includes the idea of waiting before intervening. It’s a simple idea, but one that is incredibly hard to master for most people.

I described about the first RIE class I took, and how the instructor was modeling ways to intervene with her hand. Babies like to touch one another, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. But since our number one priority should always be safety, sometimes babies touch roughly and we do need to intervene.

The hard part is then deciding, when to intervene and when to let babies explore in their own way?

When should I allow them to place their hand on another baby and when do I need to protect the other baby’s face? When do I let babies explore their surrounding and when do I support their body from falling? This is when my teacher told me there is something in RIE when observing known as the 3 R’s.

  • reflect

  • respect

  • respond

The first rule is reflect. As an observer, you should be constantly taking in the situation around your child. Look around and see what exactly your child is looking at, what are they interested in, what is the other baby doing, etc.

  • During one class I went to, my son was playing with a small white ball and mostly holding it in his mouth. Another baby came over and was looking at the ball too. He reached over and carefully took the ball from my son. His fingers were curled so perfectly, he was only touching the ball and not my son’s mouth. Almost as if he knew he just wanted the ball, and not to hurt my son’s face! Really waiting and observing allowed all the moms and I to see how gently this boy acted. And why would we stop him? He didn’t hurt my son. He didn’t scratch his face. My son was not disturbed by the ball being taken. Remember, babies don’t normally care if toys get taken from them. It seems ‘wrong’ to us as adults, but this truly is how babies play.
  • In another class, a boy was pointing to different parts of my son’s face with his index finger. The teacher was close by, but she didn’t intervene because she was watching the boy and how gently he was placing his finger on my son’s face. My son didn’t really react, he simply stared into the face of the boy. As long as he was being gentle, there was really no reason to stop him. The boy was interested in my son’s face, as babies often are.

The next step to remember is respect. This should be easy, since it’s basically the #1 rule of RIE. Respect your child, they know what they are doing. Trust them to know their own body and own limits. If babies don’t like something, they will say so long before they are able to talk. They will cry, or move away. You might find, however, that in most situations they will be undisturbed. Also respect babies to resolve conflicts on their own.

  • A little girl was laying on the carpet and a boy came over and began crawling on top of her. She seemed completely undisturbed. He eventually crawled away but later came back and was about to crawl on top of her again. The girl’s mom stayed at a distance, because she respected the girl to set her own boundary. This time, the little girl sat up and moved back. She was now saying, I don’t like this very much, and moved away herself.
  • My son had a toy and another boy came and took the toy from his hands. This upset Franky, so the teacher said “Frank you had that, and now E has it. You seem upset. You are resourceful, you can find something else to play with.” My son seemed to hear her words because he instantly went to another object, picked it up, and seemed incredibly content with his new toy. Both boys were happy, and my son learned that he has the power to get something else to play with if he wants.
    • Compare this to a playdate where my son had something and a girl took this toy from him. The girl’s mom told her daughter that she shouldn’t have taken it from Frank. She instantly brought another toy and dropped it in front of my son, telling him he could play with that instead. I didn’t intervene but inside I was angry at the dismissed opportunity for my son to either retrieve the same item back from the little girl or resourcefully get something else.

The last step is to respond. Respond to the situation that you are observing with the most minimal intervention that you can. We do not want to ‘fix’ anything, but we are there to protect and guide. It’s about responding not reacting.

  • In class, a boy came over and touched my son’s face pretty violently. The boy’s mom came over right away and simply put her hand in front of my son’s face. She said “I’m going to protect Frank’s face.” She didn’t say this out of anger, she simply stated what she was doing. It was such a respectful interaction. There was no shaming, no accusing of the boy for hurting my son, no yanking his arm out of the way. Minimal intervention. Her response was proactive, “I’m going to protect Franky’s face” instead of “don’t hurt his face”.
  • My son pulled himself up halfway on an outdoor sandbox and stood like this for a long time. Five minutes, ten minutes… at what point should I step in and help him down? Is he stuck, or is he just enjoying standing up the way he is? Reflect: His knees began buckling. Maybe he was tired and wanted to sit down. His face however suggested he was completely fine, with no sign of struggle or fear. Respect: I know Franky likes standing at home all the time, and I trust his ability to use his legs this way. I have seen him stand for long periods and then sit when he is ready. Hmm… but his knees don’t usually buckle. Respond: “I am going to move closer to you”. With my teacher’s guidance, I placed my hand under my son’s chest. Minimal intervention. I am letting him know, I am here, I support you, and if you need to sit down you must still let go yourself.  My son sat back and gave me a smile.

My RIE teacher mentioned that the best part of the 3 R’s is that they force you to slow down. When something is going on, stop to reflect the situation, respect your child, and respond appropriately. This way you are not reacting emotionally, or projecting your own feelings onto your child. (like when a child ‘steals’ a toy and we as the adults are horrified)

It’s this idea of observing in the sense of getting to know who our kid is, how does he move one leg over the other, what type of choices does he make when he is left to make them on his own, how does he resolve issues with others?

Observation without concept, without any agenda, without any preconceived ideas of what should or should not be. This is what the 3R’s let us do. 

attempting independent play

Desere1 Comment

When choosing to start this blog, I knew that I wanted to write about my experience following RIE and motherhood in general. I wanted to share the good and the bad. So far I have shared success stories: how I change my son’s diaper respectfully, how we communicate, how I feed him, etc. But not everything that I try works right away.

My last post was about baby-led play. One of the greatest things about baby-led play is that it promotes independent play. This is also one of the hardest things to implement.

Toddlers and kids generally have times during the day that they play on their own… but what about babies? I can’t tell you how often my mommy friends are telling me they can’t even leave the room without their baby crying for them to return. Top that with some typical separation anxiety around the 9 month mark… and you basically find yourself doing nothing during the day but being with your little one.

Since finding RIE however, I have been slowly but surely building my son’s ability to independently play.

I started with short bursts of me being gone.

“Franky, I am going to throw something away and I’ll be back in 1 minute.”

I would leave the room, return, and most of the time he wouldn’t even notice my absence. Most of the time. There were times where he definitely did not like the fact that I was leaving, but I left anyway. It is ok for him to dislike what I am doing, and to tell me. In fact, it is healthy for him to get those feelings out so we can both move on.

So then I increased these outings to bathroom breaks.

“Franky, I am going to use the bathroom, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Again I would leave and generally he would continue playing.

Sweet… it’s working!

Next came showers. At first I was hesitant because let’s be real, showers can range from 5 minutes to 20 minutes depending on the day, mood, time, last meal Franky had, etc. But I wanted to promote his ability to play on his own, and I really hated scheduling my showers based on when my husband was home or after my son was asleep.

So yesterday morning, I tried it. I try to keep everything about his morning ritual the same. He woke up, I breastfed him, let him explore his window and some of the items on his dresser, changed his diaper, dressed him, and to the floor we went to play with some objects. After a few minutes of watching him immersed in his play, I said “Franky, I am going to go shower. I will be back in about 10 minutes.”

I made sure to close the gate that leads downstairs. I closed our bedroom door and bathroom door. IF he would leave his room, he would be in a hallway with nowhere else to go. Safe enough?

After propping my phone with the camera so I could watch while showering, I jumped in. It felt like I was checking the camera every few seconds. But there he was, in his room, playing and reading his books.

I could feel myself rushing, but I stopped myself. I am allowed to take care of myself! I am allowed to take a few minutes to clean my body and feel refreshed.

I slowed down.

After my shower, I dried myself, put some clothes on, brushed my hair… Franky was still playing in his room.

I did it folks… I hit the baby lottery. I could go and shower every morning and my 10 month old would just play in his room. This was amazing!

So naturally, this morning, I tried it again.

He woke up, I breastfed him, let him explore his window and the items on his dresser, changed his diaper, dressed him, and we sat on the floor of his room with his toys.

“Franky, I am going to go shower. I will be back in about 10 minutes.”

Closed the gate.

Closed the doors in the hallway.

Jumped in the shower.

I checked the camera and Franky was leaving his room! Ok, maybe he will just check out the hallway, see no doors open and nowhere to go, and go back to his room?

Definitely not. He came to the bathroom door, could obviously hear me showering inside, and was banging on the door.

I kept showering, but definitely rushing this time. I yelled out that I hear him and will be done soon.

So, this was a failed attempt at independent play. I guess I have to either close his door so that he cannot leave his room, or put a gate on his door. But will this really fix anything?

We have a wooden play pen in the living room. It’s actually the one I had when I was a baby, and my mom kept it for me. This is the closest one I could find online to what I have (mine is slightly larger):

Anyway, this is perfect for creating a safe space for Franky to play when I need to run to the restroom or especially when I am cooking. We don’t live in a huge place. The kitchen, dining room, and living room is one big open area, so it is very hard to cook with Franky crawling around my feet.

When I need him to be in there, I always first go in with him. I wait a few minutes, just like in the morning when we are in his room, and then I tell him I am going to cook now.

There are times he plays in that play pen without a care in the world for me or anyone else. He will go from toy to toy or look at his books. Sometimes I finish dinner and my husband and I will eat, while Franky is still playing along. He might climb up to stand along the pen, see me or show me something he has in his hand, and then promptly return to his playing.

But there are also times that the moment I go to start cooking, he is standing, holding onto the pen, and just looking at me the entire time. He will whine and fuss for me to get him, but I just keep calmly letting him know that I am cooking and it is not safe for him in the kitchen.

So there is no perfect recipe for having your baby play on their own. I obviously haven’t mastered it. I can tell you that since learning about RIE and stepping back while my son plays (baby-led play), I have noticed that he will play on his own for much longer periods of time. It just doesn’t happen all the time. And that’s ok too.

I think it’s about give and take.

Most of the day, I am giving myself to my son. Even though I don’t play with him, I am still sitting with him and focusing on him. When he looks at me I will comment what I see or what object he has. I try to never touch my phone when he is awake. During diaper changes or feedings I talk to him and give him 100 % attention.

This behavior of giving attention to him most of the day, is what allows me then, to take. I take time for myself during the day. I take time to use the restroom or brush my hair. I take time to cook dinner. I occasionally take time to check my phone or return a few texts. And I’m not going to stop. I am not going to feel guilty for having moments of self-care. If we didn’t take these moments, we would go crazy. (and some moms do!)

So I do things for myself and my son is learning to confidently play on his own because he knows the rest of the time I will be there with him.

Give, and take. 

slow down

Desere1 Comment

The biggest takeaway from my second RIE class was the idea of slowing down. In order to have a trusting relationship and open communication with our babies, we really need to slow down to their level. Babies don’t process things as fast as we do.

Here is what happened in this week’s class. I really needed to go to the bathroom, so naturally I turned to the teacher and said “I need to go to the bathroom.” She looked at me and replied, “You shouldn’t be telling me, you should tell your son.”

Huh?!?

I came here with my son. We came together. If there was anyone who needed to know that I was about to leave the room, it was him. Duh!

Think about it like this, if you went somewhere with a friend, you wouldn’t just leave to the bathroom, you would tell your friend where you were going, right? Treating babies with respect, as whole people, means giving them the same courtesy. More so than adults, because babies and toddlers are driven by their emotions. Leaving can trigger intense feelings and should be acknowledged, not ignored.

My instructor told me to tell my son. She said to tell him first, without moving. To wait. Then to get up and go.

So I did. I told Franky “I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a few minutes ok?” and then got up and left. As I was next door in the bathroom, I could hear the distinct cry of my son. He was crying! I hurried back and saw he was definitely in distress. The teacher was talking to him saying “your mom left and you didn’t like that.” When she saw me she said “your mom is here now.” She told me to move close to where he was sitting, which I did. I picked him up and hugged him, without saying anything. After a few minutes he calmed down and went off to play.

But I had made a mistake.

My teacher pointed out that when telling my son I needed to go to the bathroom I ended my statement with “ok?” which is a very typical thing parents often do. We do this as if to soften our statement. But it’s not softening it, it is asking permission. As adults and as parents, we do not, should not, need the permission of our children to do self caring acts (like going to the bathroom).

And in the eyes of my son, of course it’s not ok! My son doesn’t want to be left alone.

Instead, I need to tell him I am going.

Period.

And then go.

Don’t stick around. Don’t say it 100 times. Don’t be all sad with your eyebrows down trying to empathize. You need to go to the bathroom, go! Your child will learn to respect that you need to take care of yourself, and will grow up respecting this idea of others.

RIE is not about avoiding our babies’ cries. It was ok that he cried! It is ok to set limits and for our kids to say, hey we don’t like that. Most parents often give in at this point because their baby is crying or whining. We just have to remind ourselves IT’S OK for baby to do these things

This is literally the only way that the baby can communicate. Since RIE is about open communication, it really should go both ways. The baby is not going to always like what you have to say, and will express their dislike for whatever you just set a limit for.

But here is the best part. You set some limit. Your baby cries (or not). And then, you both can move on. Because when babies and children have the space and support to let out their feelings, they are much more ready to move on. We don’t stop them from crying, we accept it the way I did in class when I simply held my son after returning from the bathroom without saying “you’re ok.”

The only thing you need to remember is to slow down. Babies are incredibly good listeners, but things need to marinate for a bit until they can truly process it.

  • slow down while changing a diaper

    • this is not a time to rush
    • ask your baby for help and wait

  • slow down while feeding

    • read your baby’s cues for hunger and for fullness
    • ensure safety, remember they are just learning how to eat

  • slow down while playing

    • babies don’t get bored
    • really look at what they are interested in instead of assuming anything
    • your baby is playing with one toy, now is not the time to grab another toy to show him/her

  • slow down if your baby seems distracted or isn’t paying attention

    • something fascinating might have caught his/her eye. It could be as simple as a reflection bouncing off a surface. Bend down, look where your baby is looking, and enjoy this moment.

  • slow down when telling your baby something

    • want to get up and leave your child, say it first before getting up
    • better yet, say “in one minute I’m going to get up and go to the bathroom.” Then 1 min later, “I am going to get up now and go to the the bathroom. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Then go