Meltdowns are a release.
Meltdowns are almost never about what you think they are about.
Last night my son had a huge meltdown before bath time. He did. not. want to get in the tub.
We do bath every night as part of his bedtime routine. Nothing was different tonight. Yet he cried and cried. He didn’t want to take off his clothes.
Most parents would chalk this up to a two year old being his terrible self, and having a meltdown. Having a meltdown over bath time.
But a RIE parent sees something else.
My son was releasing. My sons ‘emotional meter’ was full.
And so as my husband and I sat there, accepting our sons emotions, I began to reflect back on my day. And this is what I realized:
- Frank wanted to play in our room but it was time to get dressed
- He wanted to play with the buttons in the car but it was time to get in his car seat
- He wanted to stay longer at a friends house but it was time to go home
- He wanted to close the garage but I already did myself because of the rain
- He wanted to play downstairs but it was time to go up and rest
- He wanted to play outside more but it was time for dinner
- He wanted to blow out the Hanukkah candles but I kept stopping him
In these and so many other moments throughout the day, he didn’t get his way, and I could see his meter filling up. Slowly, surely, his emotional meter was rising.
Each time I had to demand my will over his, he would suck his thumb, and do what I needed him to do. Each time he needed me but I had to tend to his baby brother, the meter would rise.
It’s like I could stare in his eyes and see it rising. All day long.
Until… bath time. That’s when he wanted to play with our humidifier but it was time for bath. And instead of sucking his thumb and “accepting”, he had a melt down.
You see, parenting with respect means understanding our children in their entirety. My son is someone who is so small yet craving so much power over his life. So I can acknowledge how frustrating it must be to constantly forgo his own wants all day long. To constantly have to lose in the power struggles that inevitably arise between kid and parent.
Two year olds aren’t terrible, they are beautiful. They have the perfect mechanism to release pent up frustration. The “meltdown”.
And when we can see that that is all a meltdown is, then we can “roll out the red carpet” for their emotions, as Janet Lansbury likes to say.