Tag: trust

you’re so smart & good job

Desere

You’re so smart!

How many teachers and parents say this phrase throughout their lifetime?

But there is a fundamental flaw in telling kids they are so smart.

My mentor was a big advocate of eliminating status in his classroom. Learning from him, I too attempted to create a classroom that was respectful of all ideas, one that pushed kids with different abilities to contribute their ideas.

Here is the problem with continuously telling a kid “you are so smart”. When they face something incredibly challenging and find themselves stuck, what are they going to think?

‘I am always told how smart I am, if I can’t do this it must mean I’m dumb.’

This is because they have a fixed mindset.

If, for example, a kid was told their whole life they are such a hard worker, what happens then when that kid is facing a challenging task?

‘Hmm, I must not be working hard enough.’

This is known as a growth mindset.

Tag jo boawler blogs and books

Tag article from facebook

…Yet

 

 

Good Job

When I wrote about finding RIE and the first time I let my son struggle, I described the situation when Franky kept trying to get to a ring that got stuck under his changing table. When he finally managed to get it free, I didn’t say “good job!” And here’s why

7 Alternatives to Telling Your Child “Good Job!”

In class story about G getting leg stuck

 

kid stuck one leg on ramp one in sandbox, unstuck, mom said good job

just say what you observe

imply stuck is bad?

and job,… this isnt job its play

Do you always need to cmoment?

No.

Only if kid looks at you

So while kid is playing.. You dont need to narrate every second every play by play

But when they look at you.. Thats when you can narrate. Thats where the organic language development comes in

 

“Watch baby thoroughly entertaining herself just by moving and learning her body. If she engages you or makes eye contact, be sure to verbally reflect what you see, i.e., “I saw that. You rolled to your back!” This is playing “with” a baby and connecting with her on her terms. 🙂

 

my journey in choosing homeschooling

Desere

For years I have immersed myself in the world of homeschooling. I read the works of Dr. Peter Gray and Alfie Kohn. I joined all the local homeschooling groups. I befriended many homeschooling families and met home educated children. As a former educator in the public school system and a mom, I have pretty strong feelings about how I believe children learn.

I was pretty convinced that I would follow this path and homeschool my own children when the time came.

But that didn’t happen.

Last January when the emails started pouring in about school registrations and when my friends began touring the schools around our homes, I joined in and began researching the schools in our area.

I was tired. At the time my boys were 5, 3.5, and 1 years old.

I really didn’t think that I could stay home and offer what I would ideally like to offer, if I were to homeschool my boys. I started to believe that my oldest, who would be entering kindergarten, would be better off once I send him away.

He would get to be with other children all day, every day.

He would have access to so many materials and resources.

He would go on field trips.

Furthermore, the schools around us are pretty great schools. I feel privileged to be not only in an area with so many high achieving schools, but also with the opportunity that I can school choice and attempt to get the school I like the most.

And the tours… well they did their job. I was sold.

So I enrolled him.

He happened to get in, by lottery, to the magnet STEM school in our district. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was, how great the school was.

So for 6 months I kept telling myself that.

Meanwhile there was a pit in my stomach growing. I was feeling anxious as the days crept on. I knew in my heart that I didn’t believe this was the best decision for us. But I kept on because I was afraid.

The fear of homeschooling.

The fear of being tired with 3 little ones all the time.

The fear of failure.

The fear of judgement if I chose to homeschool.

The fear of my family’s reactions.

Fear of the unknown. School is known. I went to public school. My husband went to public school. I taught at a public school. I KNOW what that looks like. Alternative learning… that is completely new to us.

Fear.

And if you have read some of my other posts you will know that fear based parenting stems from how we view children, and the inability to innately trust these unique little individuals.

Fast forward to this fall and school starting. Franky was entering his 3rd week of kindergarten and each day brought more and more doubts. I understood this was a new transition for him. He went from 6 years of having almost complete freedom of choice for where we went, how he played, how he moved his body, when he ate, etc. to a pretty rigid schedule. We had to go to school every day from 8:00am to 1:30pm. The bell rang and he had to wait in line. He was told to be quiet several times throughout his day. He was told to sit a certain way, and write a certain way. Even play with blocks a specific way.

To my son who was given a lot of freedom, this was incredibly jarring.

And I understood that this transition would be hard. I also trusted that he had the tools to master this transition. He wouldn’t always be tearful at drop off. He wouldn’t always look relieved to be coming home. He wouldn’t always have a full lunch box when coming home because he chose to play instead of eating. These things would pass the more we went and the more we got used to this new state of our lives.

My mentor teacher was telling me that he could master this situation and he could adapt. She told me even though his body is reluctant to enjoy this new situation, that he does have the resilience to persevere. He is testing the waters and seeing “who am I in this new place”. He will rise to the occasion.

He will own this new experience.

But that was just it.

I realized that I don’t WANT him to get used to this.

I don’t want my son to master this situation. I don’t want him to adapt. I don’t believe this is the best environment to cultivate learning.

So I pulled him out.

And now I sit and write this out to the world because I want others to see the tornado of emotions that can accompany a situation like this. I want others to know its ok to make a decision and then change your mind.

There are no big mistakes.

I know now that maybe I needed to send him to school, and to sit in as a parent volunteer in his class, and to sift through emails about homework and chromebooks… maybe I needed to have all this happen to lead me down this path of final awareness and clarity of what I want for our family.

I have stumbled and fumbled toward this path and I am excited to see where it leads. I am hoping to use this platform, one that I previously used to spread my understanding of the RIE approach to respectful parenting, to now spread my understanding of experiential learning.

What will my days look like with self directed education?

What am I hoping for in terms of my family?

Stay tuned…

who are playgrounds for?

Desere

playground

[pley-ground]

noun

an area used for outdoor play or recreation, especially by children

Playgrounds are for our children right?

Have you been to one recently? Go. And tell me if your observations match mine.

I see parents micro managing their children’s ‘enjoyment’ of the playground.

“Climb up there.”

“Go down the big slide.”

“Why don’t you play over here?”

I see care takers on their phones the entire time.

I see moms walking their toddlers up the structures.

I hear parents asking their kids if they can go home because they (the parent) is hungry.

The swings are a love hate relationship.

There are directions for which slide to go down, and how.

Does reading any of this sound bizarre to you?

Playgrounds, of all places, should be a place for your child to have complete ownership. They should do as much, or as little, as they want. They should be able to play in the sand the entire time without glancing at the play structure. And they should be able to go down the same slide over and over, even ‘backwards’.

Why then do parents feel the need to control this experience?

Here is what I think:

1) fear

I know it is scary. But when you let your child explore the play structure in their own way, they are way more careful than you think. And if they aren’t, you don’t have to stand a mile away! You can stand there to make sure they don’t fall from any unsafe height.

I usually let my son climb the structure on his own but I stay nearby on the ground. I stand by any big openings. Occasionally my son comes to check out the openings and I tell him it is a very big drop. If he tries to come through, I stop him. But he has never tried.

2) mistrust of child’s capabilities

I find it astonishing when I see toddlers who are fully walking, being led up the play structure hand in hand by their parent. Even when your child can crawl, let them crawl up the structure alone. Giving them this space and trust is what will help them in turn learn to trust their own bodies. This is called body knowledge, and it needs to be learned.

Furthermore, your child needs to fall. That’s how they learn what it means to fall. I fully agree with Magda Gerber that “learning to fall, getting up again and moving on is the best preparation for life.”

The problem is that a lack of body knowledge is a consequence of never letting your child learn about their bodies. If for their entire life, you have been there aiding your child to sit up, stand, walk, go down steps, etc, then you have officially become an enabler to your child. They feel like they can do these things because they have always had your hand and help. Unfortunately this means they never fully learned their own body’s capacity of doing these things on their own. They haven’t fully mastered balancing. They haven’t felt the gravity push them down each step. And because of this, they probably won’t be very safe on top of play structures. In that case, I can see why a care-taker may want to hold a child’s hand and be next to them every step of the way.

But that sucks. It sucks for the child. It sucks for you! Don’t you want a break?

3) inability to let go

I was at the park the other day and my son was playing with a bunch of toys in the sand. Another little boy walked over to play and his dad immediately stopped him and said “we didn’t come here to play in the sand” while leading him up to the structure. But doesn’t that just sound so absurd? His son wanted to play in the sand. Is it really so hard to let go?

I hear parents complain all the time about being tired, about running out of things to do with their child, about not knowing how else to entertain their 2 year old. None of these things need be an issue if we just learned to let go a bit. I go to the park every morning. Why? Not only does my son LOVE being outdoors, but this is also the best break ever! I get to sit under a tree or walk barefoot in the grass while my son does whatever he wants to. Sometimes he is climbing, sometimes he is sitting in the sand and not moving, sometimes he walks around, and sometimes he is next to me for a long time. No matter what, I am at peace.

I think that is the hardest thing for some parents, because being at peace means letting go. Let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how’ children should play. Let go of the idea that if you don’t lead them they won’t get the most out of the experience. Let go of the stress.

Your child IS getting the most out of the experience, regardless of what they are doing. Trust them. Trust yourself. You are enough.

 

gift giving

Desere2 Comments

We are officially in the season of gifts, and as we enter the third night of Hannukah, I want to write today about how I feel about gift giving to little kids.

I am a firm believer that gifts should be given uniquely, not equally. This idea stems from my own feelings, as well as from reading Siblings Without Rivalry, a fantastic book by Adele Faber:

In other words, just because my younger son got a wheel barrow for Hannukah, doesn’t mean my older son needs to get it too.

Why am I even writing about this?

I am sure as parents of young kids, we all know what the constant struggle is like when our kids fight over toys. With a 4 and 2 year old, my main focus of parenting has become almost exclusively conflict resolution, with some emotional intelligence sprinkled in.

The boys are always arguing about some toy they both want at the same time. And therefore most of my day is spent validating each little person’s feelings about how badly he wants this thing, or how he does NOT want his brother to touch that thing, etc. All while trying to keep everyone’s body safe, because sometimes these conflicts become physical.

Sigh . . . what if my kids just had two of everything ?!?

Well many parents, with good intentions, try just that. To avoid some conflicts during gift giving times (holidays/birthdays), some simply give their children the same thing so each has their own.

Now just to clarify, I am not anti my kids receiving two of something similar if they both need it. About a year ago we got both of our kids a bike. A balance bike for my youngest and a regular bike for my oldest. We felt it was time for them to have bikes and that they would love it. Sometimes, this truly is the case.

What I want to focus on today, however, is giving the same/similar gifts in order to specifically avoid future conflict. If the only reason you are buying your kids the same gift is so they won’t end up fighting over it, I believe this is your own trigger that needs to be dealt with. Watching kids fight is uncomfortable. Watching kids cry is uncomfortable. Watching your child upset is uncomfortable. I get that. I am naturally a more empathic person and it is extremely hard to watch my child in these moments without letting it become personal.

But that’s the whole point of parenting this way. I have to acknowledge that I am feeling uncomfortable, this is about me. If we really want to be intentional with our choices, we need to make them about our kids.

Is it really healthy to teach my kids to avoid conflicts through something superficial like gifts?

Is it healthy to be modeling my lack of trust in them to figure these things out amongst themselves?

Is it right to be distracting my child from his/her feelings?

Am I setting my kids up for success as adults by doing any of this?

Yesterday, my older son received a digital camera, which he has been pining over for about 6 months. My youngest received a child sized wheel barrow. As the camera wasn’t charged yet, the wheel barrow instantly become the star of the show. Both kids were screaming. My oldest kept yelling at my youngest that it wasn’t his, it was for EVERYONE. My youngest just wanted to play with the parts as it was being put together while my oldest was yelling at his dad to finish building the whole thing. It was a meltdown disaster.

All the while, I am wondering maybe we should have just given them both wheel barrows for Hannukah, what a mistake.

But as we know with respectful parenting, meltdowns are caused by all kinds of factors, and often are not about whatever your child is crying about. So what’s going on here with my oldest son?? (other than of course the wheel barrow being really cool)

Well, it is 6:30pm, close to bedtime. He has been pumped full of chocolate coins and jelly donuts, music and a puppet show, not to mention just the pure excitement of being with his grandparents and aunt and uncle. Hey a party of more than 4 people is as exciting as it gets these days, right??

So of course his self regulation, which is minimal at best for any 4 year old with an undeveloped frontal cortex, is off the rocker.

My only priority in the moment was to help my son navigate his big feelings. That’s it.

“You really want this wheel barrow to be built all the way.”

“You want it done, NOW!”

“I hear you.”

It’s hard. Not only the validating of emotions without fixing the problem part, but also having to deal with both kids without FORCING one to share. (more about my feelings on sharing here).

And the whole time, I am wondering if any of this is even worth it? Am I really doing anyone a favor by not just getting two of the same thing? The headache alone is exhausting.

My father asked me about it while he watched everything unfold. He asked why I feel so strongly about this. And although I answered with many of the aforementioned reasons, in the back of my mind I still felt so tired of dealing with this.

But then this morning it happened.

Both kids woke up and instantly grabbed their new toys. Franky, with his charged camera, began taking pictures of everything. Nathan, who had the wheel barrow parked next to his crib all night, instantly began delivering stuffed animals from room to room. And I could hear Franky say to his little brother, in the cutest, softest voice, how happy he was that Nathan got a gift just for him, how it was a little gift for little Natani. And all morning, although there were some hiccups here and there, they traded playing with both the wheel barrow and the camera. They were both so happy just to have these new items. And they were happy FOR each other.

Will this euphoria fueled by a full night of sleep last? Probably not. I don’t think I am seeing the end of their bickering over who gets to play with what and when and how.

However I know that I need to keep believing in this style of parenting. I need to keep trusting my kids to navigate these big feelings (with me as their guide). I need to keep trusting my kids to figure out how to “share” without my yelling at them to do so, or even getting involved at all.

And lastly, I am fostering their relationship because they are seeing each other as unique, individuals worthy of something special. Franky realized the next morning that the wheel barrow was something special for his little brother and he was happy FOR him. He was happy WITH him.

It is really tough watching a sibling get a gift that you find fascinating and fun as well. It is really tough watching a sibling get attention. But just as on their birthday I won’t be getting gifts for each of my children so no one feels left out, I will continue not getting two of the same gifts in order to avoid conflicts. Because only then will I be able to see these moments of love and respect between my children.

I believe this mentality will ultimately benefit them, and me. Time will tell and I will keep you updated…

thankful for relationships

Desere

I follow RIE.

This is a respectful parenting philosophy that focuses on building a relationship with your child based on trust and respect. It’s about modeling instead of teaching. This means to raise someone who is respectful and authentic, I must model those characteristics myself. This philosophy is about treating kids like you would any adult you love and respect. And my husband and I love this philosophy because it really resonated with us, and we can see the effects of parenting this way is having on our 2 year old son.

But in practicing RIE we are not normal. This style of parenting is a minority.

I won’t force my kid to say please or thank you or sorry. If I make him say it, it’s not authentic. Instead these phrases get modeled when I say them naturally myself.

I won’t force my kid to hug you or kiss you. I am teaching my son to respect physical boundaries. To raise someone who respects another person’s “no’s” means as a child I must respect his own “no’s”. His body his choice.

I won’t distract my kid when he is crying. Feeling sad is ok, just like feeling happy and angry and scared is ok. Crying is the process of being unhurt. Tears release toxins from the body and oxytocin. When tears are not welcomed or stopped, this releases the stress hormone cortisol, and often leads to aggression because the suppressed emotion has to come out somewhere. (Aletha Soleter of Aware Parenting)

http://www.michellemorganart.com/

I won’t force my kid to eat. I provide the meal, with a few options that include veggies and meat and carbs. I set the rules about eating at the table and staying seated. The rest is up to my son. He eats what he he wants, as much as he wants from the options I laid out. I will not force feed him or use tricks like airplane-ing food into his mouth. His body his choice.

I won’t hold my kid’s hands when he climbs up the playground. If you want your child to learn spatial awareness, don’t help them do things they can’t do on their own. No one wants to get hurt. No child wants to fling themselves down the side of a play structure. But if they were always given a false sense of security when they learned to walk and climb, then they won’t realize the physical dangers of doing certain things.

I won’t show my kid how to play with something. I give my son open ended objects to play with, and let his creativity take it from there. This builds problem solving and independent play.

I wont try to fix how my kid plays with something. Even if it looks “wrong” to me, I won’t intervene. Is there even such thing as playing the wrong way?

I won’t intervene if my kid takes your kid’s toy. I won’t intervene if your kid takes my kid’s toy. Sharing is so overrated in this age of helicopter parenting. I’m sick of people saying they need to teach their kids how to share. Sharing is intrinsic. It will emerge when the child cares to share. At a young age, toy taking is simply exactly how kids play together. It’s the transference of toys. And when left on their own, kids rarely have a problem with this. When they do have a problem, they often can resolve it with little to no adult intervention.

I won’t ask my kid questions I already know the answer to. It’s demeaning to ask someone “Where are your eyes?” Or “Where is the blue triangle?” My son isn’t in school, and he didn’t learn English and Hebrew by me asking him to point to stuff or use flash cards to drill words into him. He learns words through life. He learns because we talk to him in our normal authentic voice.

But alas, these things make me odd in the parenting world. And that’s ok. I’ve made peace with being a minority because I love the person my son is becoming, and I love the type of serenity this parenting style has given me.

What makes RIE hard is that once you start it, you can’t unsee it.

This means once you see young children as fully capable people, worthy of respect, it’s very very hard to see how the rest of the world interacts with them.

But I can’t shelter my son. That’s simply unrealistic and doesn’t prepare him to forge his own life with his own relationships.

RIE is based on trust.

I need to trust in myself and the job I’m doing as a mother. I am raising my son with respect. A few disrespectful interactions with other people won’t “ruin” my son. Janet Lansbury likes to say parenting is about the steady diet not the occasional snack. What I do on the day to day basis is what will shape his character.

I need to trust my son. I need to trust that not only does he know the difference between the way different people treat him, but that he also is fully capable of self advocating. That a consequence of the way I treat him is that he WILL stand up for himself when he feels the need to.

That’s the key… it’s when HE feels the need to.

So many times I’m watching someone interact with my son, and I’m thinking why is my son just taking it? Why is he allowing this person to talk to him like that or force a hug on him when I know he doesn’t always want a hug? Why is he allowing this person to show him how to play a certain way when he normally likes to lead his own play time?

I want to step in so badly. But I don’t because my son doesn’t need rescuing. He isn’t in danger, he is with people he loves and who love him. If I did step in, I’m now making it about me, not my son.

I need to let him build his own relationships with people around him, in his own way. I need to trust him to do so.

I am thankful for RIE. This philosophy taught me to sit back and enjoy the person my child is becoming, to really see the beautiful relationships he has made and how much certain people mean to him. I am thankful he has such strong relationships with people around him. I am thankful for how much he enjoys people who behave differently than I do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

leaving your child for a few min

Desere1 Comment

I wrote my last post on the dangers of screens, and the questions I believe you should be asking yourself when you believe you cannot leave your child alone without a screen.

Then I decided to write down how I go about having some alone time throughout the day, whether it is for the bathroom or simply self care like drinking some tea by myself.

1. Set up a space that is safe for your child to be left in alone. I call this “the safe zone.” But most of the RIE community refers to this as a “yes space” because it is a space your child has no “no’s”, a space they can play in however they like. Use a play pen. Use gates at the door. Locking your child in is not cruel, it is necessary. Children CRAVE boundaries, both emotional and physical boundaries. Giving them too much space, too many toys, too much power is overwhelming. And that overwhelming feeling is what causes them to act out. Less toys, and open ended toys,  will allow your child to play for longer periods of time. To see my son’s safe zone, see the featured image at the top of this post.

2. Give Warnings. Tell your child what you are going to do before doing it. Don’t get up. Don’t move. Get your child’s attention and speak to them like an adult. I like to give two warnings before I actually leave. “In a few minutes I am going to go eat my breakfast.” Then “In one minute I’m going to go eat.”

3. Tell your child you are leaving and when you will be back. “I am now going to go eat breakfast. I will come back in a few minutes.” Again do this before moving and make sure you have your child’s attention. I have personally made the mistake of saying this too fast and leaving before making sure my son was looking and paying attention to my words because he was so engrossed in his play. Then when I left he freaked out, he never really heard me and I was too focused on leaving to realize that.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE feelings. Your child might not even bat an eye when you leave. Your child might cry hysterically. Either way, acknowledge it and go. “You really don’t want me to leave right now. I hear you. I am going to eat because I am really hungry, but I will come back in a few minutes.” Doing this means you BOTH can move on. Your child feels heard and can therefore (maybe not right away) emotionally move on. And you can physically move on to whatever you need to do.

5. Come back. This is where the trust gets built. You said you were leaving, and that you will be back in a few minutes. Then you came back in a few minutes. Therefore your child learns your words carry value. Next time when you say you will be back your child will hear that and remember it is true. Again, this does not mean they won’t protest. But that is their right.

6. Don’t act like the savior. When you get back, and this is important, don’t act like you are back to save the day. If your child cried the entire time you were gone (which will happen sometimes), when you get back simply sit down, give a hug, and say “You really didn’t like that I left. I am back now.” And let him/her release whatever emotions are still left. Just sit there. You don’t need to scoop up your child when you get back and act like “HERE I AM!”. You don’t need to be the savior that came back to fix your child’s crying.

Lastly, these things take time. Building a relationship with your child, with anyone, takes time. No real relationship can be forged in one day. So follow my steps, don’t back down, don’t give up, and be patient. Some days it will be better. Some days it won’t.

My son is a little past 2 years old and still, some days he cries and protests for me to stay in his safe zone. I acknowledge but I still go. Because I am teaching him that I am also worthy of respect, and that I need to take care of myself too. I am modeling how certain things are a priority so that he grows up knowing he is also worthy of respect and self care.

You don’t need a screen to be there for your child when you aren’t. Trust me, your child can be left alone as long as you set him up for success.

I hope you know I fully support you and believe you can do it. This is not easy. But parenting is not easy and should not be easy. It is easy to use the screen. It is not easy to listen to your child cry for 10 minutes while you are in the bathroom, or cry for 30 minutes while you cook dinner.

None of RIE is easy. But it’s worth it. Work hard now so that you have an easier time later. Put in the effort now to acknowledge feelings now so that you raise an adult who is emotionally intelligent. Give your child the tools now to be alone so that they grow to be resilient and self-sufficient. Give your child passive toys like blocks and bowls now and baskets and balls so that they can build up their attention span and problem solve.

Also being able to leave my son has been INVALUABLE since having my second son a couple months ago.

You can do this… and let me know how I can help!

technology and RIE

Desere3 Comments

Last week I read this incredible article written by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times about technology and our children. The article is about what Bowles refers to as ‘The Digital Gap’.

When the internet was new, the Digital Gap represented the idea that children from wealthy families would have a lot of access to technology and the internet, whereas children from low income families would not. This meant wealthier kids would be more equipped with the tools of the future.

But look at the world we live in now. . . every one has the internet in their pocket. We have tablets and smart phones and smart TVs. So the issue is no longer who has access to technology, the issue now is whether or not children should have access to technology.

Why are we seeing families from Silicon Valley, families with tech savvy parents, raising screen-free children? Why did Bill Gates and Steve Jobs limit screen time for their kids while professionally pushing technology into every classroom and every household?

So the Digital Gap has shifted. The Digital Gap has become what Bowles describes as the privilege of choice. We are seeing wealthier children raised without screens. They are attending play based preschools. They are given wooden toys. They are outside more. Unfortunately the preschools that offer this type of environment are really expensive (i.e. Waldorf). And the families that can pull this off have the ability to hire nannies and child care to match their needs and parenting style. This is privilege they have. They can choose a screen free life.

On the opposite end we have the most affordable preschools which often have pushed down curriculum and are not play based. We have companies like Apple and Google that are giving low income schools ipads and laptops. We have families who can’t afford nannies and babysitters whenever they need them.

Of course the article talks more about all of this, and I can go into a whole rant about how technology is being pushed into low income schools because I used to work at a school like this. And I can go into a whole rant about how preschools that target low income families push down curriculum as a tactic to “help” these students get ahead in schooling. I can talk about how education is broken in this country and technology is a band aid that big corporations are trying to sell to us. I can also refer to this other article from the NY Times about how Baby Einstein has finally been outted as NOT helping your babies be smarter. BUT this blog is about respectful parenting. So…

Where does this fit in with RIE?

The article really stuck with me because I cannot tell you how many children are being raised with screens. And the saddest thing for me, other than the fact that so much research shows how bad this is for your children, is that parents don’t think they have a choice.

Some parents believe that technology and certain apps are good for their kids. They claim their kids are learning math and counting and the alphabet through playing on their ipads. I am not going to go into how I think this is wrong. You can check out Janet Lansbury’s post about sources that discredit these ideas here.

But the rest of this post is for most of the parents I know that use screens because they cannot go to the bathroom without it, they cannot eat breakfast without it, they cannot get a moment of peace without it, they cannot go grocery shopping with out.

It all stems from how we see these tiny people.

Are our children babies that are unable to function without us so we need to distract them and give them screens just so we can go to the bathroom or have a few min of alone time? Or are these beings that are capable of understanding our needs as well? Are our children capable of being without us? Do they hear us when we say, “I need to go sit and drink coffee for a few min and I’ll be back soon”?

Not only should we be asking ourselves “Is it respectful to ask my child to be without me while I go take care of myself for a bit?”. But we should also be asking ourselves “Can my child do it?”.

Most parents don’t think their child can be without them. Therefore this stems from an even bigger issue. Maybe the real question is, “how do we view ourselves as parents?” Am I deserving of the same respect that I should show my kids? Do I deserve to have my own time?

I think most people would say, yes of course, but how?

So let’s take it one step further:

Respectful parenting means, I see you as a capable, trustworthy human. So when I say I need to go to the bathroom and I’ll be back, I trust that you hear me and that as long as I’ve set up a safe space for you to stay in, you’ll be fine. But just like it’s ok for me to say this… it’s also ok for my kids to express their dislike.

So ultimately all my questions are leading us to this final idea: i

If you are wondering how to do stuff without using the “screen babysitter”, the real issue you need to fix is how to be ok with your child not wanting you to leave. For you to be ok with your child’s feelings.

Respectful parenting doesn’t mean you can go do things and your kids will just be happy and play on their own.. not always. True respect means my kid might cry or get mad that I’m leaving. But I can respect his/her feelings without letting them control me or my actions. I can acknowledge how he feels and STILL go to the bathroom. I can let his feelings sit. I do not need to fix his feelings.

Respect means, I see you and your emotions. I value that you don’t want me to leave… but I am going to leave, for a few minutes, and I AM going to come back. And because we have built a relationship based on trust. I trust you’ll be ok. And you can trust me that I WILL come back.

So back to the screens. Parents, please do your own research and decide what is best for you and your family. But if your reasoning is that you cannot be human without using the screen to distract your little one, then you are underestimating your child (and yourself).

meltdowns are my fault too…

Desere1 Comment

Although I wrote about my steps to get through the wave of emotions that emanate from my 2 year old son, I find it important to ask myself, why am I here?

Why have I found myself in meltdown city, again?

Sometimes toddlers just need to release a lot of pent up emotions. I get that. They live in a world where they feel things strongly and can rarely verbalize exactly what they want. Even when they can say what they want or need, they aren’t always met with a “yes!” Their lives are often controlled by us, their care takers, and that is hard sometimes.

But other times, there are things that lead up to meltdown city.

This morning we took an extra long time to make our way downstairs. There was playing and exploring in my bedroom. I needed to take a shower which caused delays. My son is into moving his stool from room to room to play with the light switches. He kept saying he was hungry and wanted pancakes, but then would get distracted by something new. By the time we did everything we actually needed to get done (brush teeth, change diaper, new clothes), it was already later than normal and we were both hungry. Very hungry.

So we get downstairs, and now my son is on the verge. I can feel it in the air.

I rush him into his learning tower where he can stand at counter height and ‘help’ me cook. I hurry to bring out all the ingredients and start pouring things into the measuring cup so he can pour it into the big bowl. I am rushing. He feels it.

He is mixing and it is getting messy. I’m trying not to care.

He said he was done (mixing) and lifted the whisk out of the bowl to hand to me. The batter was dripping all over the counter and floor. I snapped, a little.

We were both on the verge…

I started the stove and got the batter ready to pour. My son started demanding the big spatula, but when given that one he demanded a different one. He then started crying for gold fish. I normally never give him snacks before breakfast but I caved. I felt  bad that we were taking so long to get breakfast going so I opened the cabinet of his snacks to hand him a small bowl of gold fish. Big mistake.

He sees all his snacks and starts changing his mind as fast as I can hand him things.

He throws his bowl on the floor. Gold fish everywhere.

Now I’m angry, trying to clean up the gold fish while simultaneously pouring batter on the pan and make those gosh darn pancakes already.

We were in meltdown city.

It was awful. It was a disaster.

And the worst part was that I led us there.

Reflecting back on this whole experience, I am shocked that I didn’t think from the beginning to just hand him a bagel and have that be our breakfast for today. My son loves plain bagels, and it takes less than a minute to prepare. I could have had him at his table, eating breakfast with a cup of milk in no time.

Maybe he would have insisted for pancakes since he did ask for them earlier, but I doubt it. Even so, I could have dealt with it in the moment. A simple “you really wanted pancakes but I prepared bagel for you this morning.”

Instead, I fumbled in the kitchen and went through the motions of cooking with him. Cooking is already an activity that is iffy because I am trying to ‘direct’ him a lot while allowing him the space to explore and learn in the kitchen. It’s not my favorite but my son really enjoys helping me prepare food.

That was my mistake. I led us through all the small setbacks that ultimately drove us to a meltdown. And I write “us” because I was hungry and angry and sad and exhausted too.

I am writing to make a promise to myself to be more aware in the moment. So much easier said than done. But I know that it is like a muscle that takes practice. I need to start being more conscious of the environment I am creating and avoid situations that could lead us to a meltdown. If I take too much time upstairs and he has already expressed his hunger => bagel breakfast. Simple.

Not really that simple. Actually parenting is never simple. And there are SO many moments throughout the day where we have to make split second decisions that can shape both of our emotional outcomes. That’s so hard. But maybe the act of physically writing about it will help me remember? It is so hard to be calm and rational in those moments though.

So the point of this blog post is to humbly spread awareness that sometimes we parents cause the meltdown. This is especially true when we are dealing with a hungry or tired child.

I don’t have an answer to stop this. I don’t have a “just do this and this and you can avoid meltdowns!” solution. But maybe we don’t need to stop it. Maybe it isn’t about avoiding meltdowns but more about being aware of why they happen and how to get through them in an emotionally healthy way?

 

indirect commands

Desere

A child climbs on a chair.

The mom runs over.

“No! Get off the chair.”

The child smiles.

A power struggle ensues.

The parent has a want. In the above example, the want is for the child to get down from the chair. And it may seem obvious to simply and matter of factly state that want to your child. But a command like this “get off the chair” along with our demeanor and volume can send so many messages to our child.

Remember, toddlers are stressed because their daily life is filled with wants they cannot pursue. When we behave like this they aren’t getting the real message. And the real message is simple. You are up high and it is unsafe. I feel uncomfortable and would like for you to get down.

Then why not just say so.

This is the difference between a direct command and an indirect command.

Direct command:

Get off the chair.

Indirect command:

I see you are up on the chair. You are very high. That is unsafe and I cannot let you climb that high. Can you get down yourself or do you need help?

Both convey the ultimate goal of getting the child down. But a direct command does not always work. Direct commands may succeed out of fear, and maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you want to show your child who is really in control. But when an adult yells or gets angry at a child, the child often smiles or laughs, which only makes the adult more mad. Children think it is funny when they get a reaction out of adults. They will probably do whatever they can to get another one. So the adult continues to get angry eventually grabbing the child and swinging them down.

What did all this accomplish?

Does the child now understand why they were told to get down?

Will they stop next time before climbing and think about whether they should continue?

The answer is no. They have no idea why mom (or dad or whoever) got so upset and why they were angrily picked up and swung down. If anything, this is fuel to do it again to get an understanding of why they are getting such a reaction from the adults around them.

Children are so new. We forget to really put ourselves in their shoes sometimes. They are learning EVERYTHING about how this world works and where they fit in. Something big like this happens and they instantly have so many unanswered questions. So the next day when they are back on that chair, they aren’t trying to piss us off, they are trying to understand.

If instead we really try to treat our children with the same respect we show adults, we would never think to act this way. We would say the truth, that we are concerned and that it is unsafe. We would see if the child can get down by themselves, which if they got up then they most certainly should be able to get back down. We help by guiding them down if needed. This could be holding their hand or placing a hand on their chest so they feel your presence. It could even be as simple as being close and telling them where to put their feet next.

The next step would be to stay close and block this action from happening again. Simply blocking and saying “that is unsafe I will not let you climb up there again.”

Ideally, they have a yes space in the home where they are safe to do whatever they want. Any unsafe things like chairs or whatnot are not in this space or are gated off.

The next step is to take your child’s behavior as a message. My kid really wants to climb. He is not trying to piss me off or hurt himself, he just wants to climb. Kids are just that… kids. They have biological needs. They are tiny but have oh so much energy. So yes, they really do need to climb and run and jump, daily!

The real question is, as my child’s caretaker, how can I safely address this need?

My teacher last week told us about a book she read recently on relationships. The book was about the research done by the Gottman Institute on reflective relationships and giving advice. The research found that before anyone should give advice to another person, they need to first truly put themselves in that person’s shoes. You need to understand where they are coming from, completely, before you can offer your opinion. This type of reflective relationship can be done by listening and acknowledging how a person is feeling first. I have talked about this idea a lot.

In respectful parenting this idea of first acknowledging our child’s wants and feelings is huge. Ultimately we are not dictators to our little ones. It is easy to forget this because they are so small and rely on us for so much. But because we are building a bond based on trust and respect, we do not force them to do things or make them do things. We give our advice, and hope through trust and respect that our children respond.

But they will only respond once they feel like someone understands them, someone is on their side. When they are not victimized or penalized for being… well for being a child who is new to our world.

You want to climb. You need to climb. I cannot let you climb on this chair because it is unsafe. The floor is very hard. Let’s go find somewhere safe for you to climb.

you dont need to show them

Desere

In my very first post I described the type of teacher I was and how I believed aha moments were pivotal to my classroom environment. It was so important to me not to take away my students’ aha moment and this influenced my style of teaching. I had to build this type of culture of students leading the learning.

I never lectured and I never showed my students how to solve anything.

This may seem like a weird thing for a teacher to say. I promise you, my students learned, a lot.

But the difference with my style of teaching was that they were able to own each aha moment. And there is something to be said about this. When someone shows you something and you replicate it, you may feel good that you can do it too. But when you achieve something on your own there is a whole new sense of worth.

I have seen students rise to the occasion. I have seen how being confident in my students’ abilities led them to actually figure things out without me showing them how. All I had to do was let go of this need that I had. A need to show them. A need to ensure they do it right.

I heard this with teachers all the time. If I don’t give them the formula how will they know how to solve the problem? or If I don’t show them an example how will they know what to do?

I understood. You don’t want your students to fail. You want them to do it right, to complete their homework, to pass the test, to move on to the next teacher without making you look bad. You want them to succeed in life.

So it is hard to sit back and wait. It is hard to let someone do the learning, to do the heavy lifting, other than you. Especially when you think it is your job to show them how to do everything.

It was hard for me at first too. I remember when I was working under my mentor teacher, I kept wondering what was the point to this style of teaching. How could it be worth it for some concepts which could have been learned in 5 minutes to actually take hours to learn? I’ll never forget the pythagorean theorem lesson.

How long does it take to draw this on the board, have students copy it down, and explain you simply plug in whatever numbers you have to solve for the unknown side? About 5 minutes. I remember my teacher in high school showing me this and then giving several example problems of doing just that. I remember being able to do the same at home and thinking I was a genius because I totally understood the pythagorean theorem.

But with my style of teaching, with my mentor’s style of teaching, this theorem took an entire 1.5 hour lesson. Without me describing every detail of that lesson right now, basically the curriculum uses a game and probability to guide students to develop this equation on their own. Yes, they literally come up with the pythagorean theorem by the end of the lesson. And yes it takes 1.5 hours, sometimes longer. But at the end students really understood why this equation looks the way it does. They understand why we square the sides and why it equals c squared. There is an entire progression to their understanding. And only at the end do we say, “oh actually the equation you just came up with, well a man a really long time ago named Pythagoras found it first so now we name it after him.” Every time I taught this lesson (or any lesson) my students were not only so proud of themselves, they enjoyed it! The best part, they remembered what they learned months later because of this deeper understanding.

But it’s hard to let go. It takes so much longer. It takes patience. It takes more work on your part than you think because you are sitting back and watching kids fail over and over without ‘saving’ them. You are thinking about how to guide them without doing it for them. But I promise you this way works. My students always got there in the end. They did because everything they have ever learned and seen and done in their entire lives is a part of them and has given them the tools they need to build off their own understanding. Sometimes they needed help, of course. But that’s when I used questioning to help, to guide them, instead of giving them direct answers.

Anyway, I’m telling you this because I want to continuously shed light on the type of teacher I was, which has played a HUGE role in the type of mother I am and the style of parenting I believe in.

As parents, we tend to think our job is to show our children how to do everything.  It was just like hearing the teachers, but now I hear it with parents. She will never know what to do if I don’t show her first. or I need to show him how to do it. 

First of all let go of that. Who cares?

Who cares if your child will use the little watering can as a drum for the next few years? Why does it matter for your one year old to know how to put the cymbals together to make a noise, or to pick up the crayon and draw something on a piece of paper?

I know you don’t want your kids to fail. You put things in their hands and do things for them. It is out of love and I understand this need as a mom, and as a teacher.

But it is a disservice.

Your child is not learning when you do things for them. They are not achieving anything, their brains aren’t growing, and they are not owning the aha.

If it’s a matter of saving time, when would you like to save the time? Is it worth it to save time now, when they are young, by showing them how to do things, only to be stuck years later with someone who can’t figure things out on their own? Someone who can’t persist through their own struggles? I mean it was like when I was teaching. The first 3-4 months were just setting up the classroom environment, setting up my students to rely on themselves and their groups instead of me. It was taking the time, excrutiatingly, to push students further and further so they see that they don’t actually need me to do everything for them. It was sitting with each group, one at a time, literally showing them how to work in a group and how to share ideas. It was setting up this foundation which took so much time and effort in the beginning of the year, so that by the end I was able to sit back and enjoy the learning happening all around me, often without me.

Furthermore, part of respectful parenting is treating your kids like you would adults who you respect and care for. Would you buy someone a gift, open it for them, and show them what to do? I mean, that’s crazy and demeaning. I can’t imagine doing that for my husband or my mother or anyone. So why do we do this with our own children?

Let them do whatever they want to do with whatever object they have in their hands. (as long as it is safe of course) Let them explore. Let them be young and creative.

You are worried they will never figure something out, but children’s minds are inherently explorative. They are constantly learning everything around them. Their brains are working and growing at max capacity. It has to be for them to learn to crawl and walk and talk and eat and everything. So just naturally they will try everything until something works. When we enjoy the process rather than the product, we enjoy watching our little ones figure things out rather than showing them what to do each time.

Earlier I mentioned that teachers feel like their job is to show students how to do everything. But shouldn’t it be more than that? I could care less if students remembered the binomial theorem or even the formula for area and volume. We have computers for that who can do it better and faster than us anyway. Instead I always felt like if I could send out to the world people who knew how to work together and problem solve, who knew what to do in challenging situations, and who knew that where there is struggle there is also strength, then I would be a successful teacher.

I knew that the trivial mathematical stuff didn’t matter, but the characteristics they were building in my class did.

Shouldn’t it be the same as a parent? Do we really care about showing our children every thing that crosses their path? Do we need to stress ourself out to make sure they do everything “the right way”? Or should we instead be striving to raise resourceful, persistent, confident, cooperative, aware human beings?

Let’s focus on who they are. Let’s trust them. Let’s do less so they do more. 

‘sharing’

Desere

Last week the most interesting thing happened in my RIE class, and it involves the idea of sharing. This idea is pretty taboo in the world of respectful parenting and there are several important reasons for that. But before I talk about that, let me describe specifically what unfolded in class.

A boy, let’s call him Max, was playing with a toy school bus. He was incredibly immersed in his play. A second boy, let’s call him Erik, arrived and was immediately interested in the truck as well. This was the first time this toy was out, so understandably Erik was drawn to it, as were all the children in class when they arrived. Also when toys are being played with they are animated and much more fascinating than static toys on the floor. Regardless of the reason, Erik was looking at the bus and went towards it.

Erik took the bus. Max started crying. Erik immediately stopped and turned around to look at Max. The teacher said “Max you had the bus and now Erik has it, that made you upset. Erik you see Max is upset.”

After a while of staring, Erik took the bus with him to another spot and played with it. Max was still crying in his mother’s lap. After a few minutes, Erik dropped the bus and moved on to something else. Max immediately stopped crying, went over, grabbed the bus, took it back to near his mom, and began playing with it again.

Several minutes go by, Erik sees the bus in motion. He comes back and grabs the bus. Max again completely breaks down. Erik stops. He stares at Max and again the teacher describes the situation. There was no blame, no victim, just the facts. “Max you had the bus, now Erik has it. Max really doesn’t like that. Erik you are looking at Max.”

It seemed this time Erik stared for longer. Then he turned around, took the bus to another spot. After few minutes when the bus was again abandoned, Max stopped crying to retrieve it once more.

This scenario repeated over and over. Each time it appeared that Erik stared at Max, bus in hand, longer and longer.

Eventually instead of dropping the bus Erik would bring the bus back to Max and then go play with something else.

And finally after excruciating transfer over and over of the bus between the boys, Erik brought the bus back to Max and sat down next to Max. Both boys continued to play cooperatively with the bus for several minutes. Afterwards, both boys moved on.

So let’s get back to the hot topic of sharing. The last scene I described would be considered as a scene of Erik sharing with Max. But the buildup to this was so much more substantial. I watched, along with the other moms, Erik take the toy over and over. And I watched closely Erik’s face as he stared back at Max breaking down. Why was he staring for so long at Max? He had the toy, which is what he wanted. Why not just go and play with his trophy? It’s not like Erik never heard crying before. There was more to the way he was staring than that.

And when we talked about what happened I realized what was going on.

Erik was learning cause and effect. Erik was learning that Max’s crying was a reaction to his taking of the bus. Erik was learning about the power he yields. Erik was growing.

You see cause and effect are complicated things to teach babies and toddlers. It takes a certain cognitive awareness to understand when I do A, B happens. Simple things are learned early on. When I push this ball, it rolls away. When I drop this toy, it hits the floor and makes a noise. But emotional cause and effect take much longer to develop. Things like when I hit this person, they cry because they are hurt. I mean, think about that. It is kind of an abstract thing to think about. For someone to truly understand this type of emotional cause and effect, they need to have a certain level of empathy first. They need to put themselves in someone’s shoes. They need to be aware of others’ thoughts and feelings. This is complex.

And here we have this 18 month old, having this HUGE aha moment.

Erik was always the first to do things in class. He was the first to walk when everyone was still crawling. He was the first to climb when everyone was walking. He was always very confident and knew the power of his body. Now he was learning the social consequence of this power.

Let’s not forget about Max. Although he may not have ‘grown’ as much as Erik throughout this process, Max still went through something incredible. He went through trust and mistrust. When Erik would bring back the bus directly to Max, that was building trust and relationship. But then Erik would come take it away, mistrust.

The end seemed to hold the biggest growth for Max. When Max arrived at class he clung to his mom. He found the bus and brought it right next to his mom so that he could sit in her lap while playing with it. Every time he went to retrieve it, he came back to within inches of his mom. Only after Erik ‘shared’ and the boys played together, did it seem that Max felt finally free to move on as well. Only then did he leave his mother’s vicinity and begin to participate in the class with the everyone else.

After such an incredible scene, where is my issue with ‘sharing’ then? Well let me tell you…

So many times have I been at a play date or at the park, and seen what adults think about ‘sharing’. Let’s say this exact thing happened anywhere other than RIE class. Erik comes and takes the bus from Max. Max cries. Erik’s mom immediately rushes over, grabs Erik’s hand, takes the toy, and returns it to Max. She then admonishes Erik for his inability to share. This not only is something that Erik, at this age, has no ability to comprehend, the violence with which this all happened is sending him a message that it is in fact ok to rip a toy out of someones hand, because after all that’s exactly what his mom just did to him. Erik is now confused about the mixed messages. And Max never has the chance to a) let out his feelings, b) get the toy back, or c) find another toy to be satisfied with.

All for what? Because adults think that sharing is so important if we don’t force it at a young age our children will grow up to be horrible selfish monsters? Or is it that a child’s crying is so uncomfortable, that we will do anything to fix the situation.

Well what if Max needed to cry? What if Max was crying from the bus being taken, but was also letting out some feelings that he had pent up and this was his only time to do so? What if at the end Max felt free to leave his mom because he let out some really good cries?

We don’t need to fix it.

So often when a child takes a toy from another child, he/she is completely unbothered.

Or, they are bothered and want to do something about it. I have seen a child try to take someone’s toy, and the child holding it will tighten their grip, or turn around and walk/run in the other direction. I have seen a child take someone’s toy and the child then goes to find something else.

Resiliency. (as my teacher always reminds us)

We are not raising monsters. We are raising resilient, problem solving human beings. We are raising people who do not need us to intervene and fix things for them. Not in this case anyway.

I think back to what I saw in class and how incredible it was to watch Erik grow so much within one hour. I think about how that opportunity would have been completely lost in any other setting. And once more I am convinced that respectful parenting is right for me. Because we respect our children and the choices they make. We trust them. They will ‘share’ if they choose to. They will share when they are ready. In the meantime, just sit back and observe. Some incredible growth could be happening before your very eyes.

The most fascinating part… in this week’s class Erik kept doing something that validated his growth. When he arrived he kept ‘checking in’ with Max. It was like, he knew this was someone he has influenced in the past and he was still curious about what this other person was experiencing. Whenever he would hold the school bus he would look back and find Max. There was a new dynamic, a new bond between them.

Incredible.

 

power of our words

Desere

Last week my son kept waking up in the middle of the night. He is getting some molars so this is expected. Nevertheless several months ago I told myself I would stop breastfeeding him in the middle of the night because it became too much of a habit for him. He expected it whenever he woke up. He was dependent on it to fall back asleep. Now any time he wakes up I go to his room and try to get him back to sleep. I offer him his water which is always in his crib at night. I try to calm him down without picking him up. All this usually works… eventually.

Anyway the other night, my son is up and crying. I go to him and whisper “I am here, I love you, I hear you.” Then I wait. I pat his back and wait for about 10 minutes until he lays down again. I wait until he is sucking his thumb and his eyes seem heavy. Then I whisper “Laila tov” (good night) and leave.

I close the door and walk a few steps down the hall…

He is up crying again.

Sometimes I see if this is just a few seconds worth of crying, whereas I won’t go back in. But this continued on for a few minutes so again, I went in.

“I love you. I hear you.” Pat the back. Lay down. Calm. “Laila Tov.” Leave.

Crying…

Ok it’s happening again. Maybe he needs a diaper change.

So for the third time that night I walked back in. “I hear you Franky, I am going to check your diaper.” Nothing there. That’s when I realized, in my exhausted state, that maybe I’m not saying the right words. But I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed.

That’s it! Just be authentic.

“Franky I love you. I am going back to my bed to sleep and you are going to sleep here in your bed. Laila Tov.” I didn’t wait until he laid down and was about to fall asleep. No. I spoke the truth, I said what I wanted to do and what I had hoped for him to do. I turned around and left. I went back to bed.

And so did he.

Could it have been coincidence or was it really magic? Did he need to hear where I was going to be when I left the room or was it just third-time-is-a-charm syndrome? Was he simply exhausted from crying for the third time? I have no idea! I am kind of hoping it was because of my words…

Well the next night, sure enough, in middle of the night he woke up crying. Here is the opportunity to see if my words mean anything. 

So this time, the first time going in, I whispered “Franky I hear you. I’m going back to my room to sleep and you are going to sleep here. Laila tov.”

And that was it. He went back down until the morning. (so did I!!! yay)

This happened a few more times this week. Every time I said the same honest sentence, with confidence. Every time he listened to me and went back down for the rest of the night.

Could it have been coincidence each time? Who knows? No one can truly know exactly what was going on in my son’s head. I choose to believe in the power of words.

And it isn’t just that I was speaking words, it’s that I was speaking them honestly. During the day my husband is sometimes in awe of how I ask my son to do things and he listens to me. That’s because when I talk to him I do so with the confidence that he is listening.. and then he does.

Yet people still think babies or young children can’t hear our words. People think that when my son lifts his legs up for me to change his diaper, or throws his napkin away after eating, or stands aside when someone is opening the gate, that it is all just luck. I got lucky with a ‘good’ baby. You know parents that practice respectful parenting hear that a lot… hmm…

But maybe, just maybe, treating your child with respect means communicating with them authentically and trusting them to listen. We all know communication is key to any healthy relationship. So it only makes sense if you want this type of relationship with your child, and better yet if you want your child to develop healthy and respectful relationships with others, all you have to do is talk to them.

Tell them what you are going to do before doing it. Talk them through changing their diaper so they can participate. Ask them to decide which foot to put through the pajamas first. Tell them why you are stopping them from doing something. Ask them to participate in their own life. Just talk to them. 

People, no matter how young their age, are still people. When you do things to them without saying something, without asking for participation, you are simply objectifying them. And this is what I see all the time. Parents objectifying their kids because they don’t believe their kids are worth being spoken to with respect. “Oh she is just a baby, she’s fine.”

The thing about respectful parenting is remembering that the thing we teach our children the most, is ourself. So be your most authentic self. Speak honestly. Treat with respect. Trust. This is what you are teaching your child to do. This is who you are teaching your child to be.

don’t assume

Desere1 Comment

As parents we make a lot of assumptions on behalf of our children. We assume that they’re tired. We assume that they’re bored. We assume that they’re angry. We assume that they’re scared.

When we are at a play date and see someone take our child’s toy, we assume our child is upset. When we see our child fall, we assume our child is hurt.

But young children run on instinct and are driven to explore. They are directed by an internal motivation to play, and through that play learn instinct and experimentation. They are impulsive and can’t always be rationalized with. They feel … strongly. All of these reasons are why we cannot assume things about them.

Let’s look at some specific examples.

when they play

Parents constantly assume their kids are bored. This is one of the biggest criticisms I hear about RIE parenting, that doing baby-led play instead of playing with our children leaves them bored. This is completely untrue. Babies and young children don’t get bored. They could be pausing to think about what they just touched or did, they could be deciding where next to go, they could simply be taking in a reflection they see from the window. Bored… they are not. And if they are bored, it is a consequence of being constantly entertained without the freedom of uninhibited play. Don’t worry this is easy to fix, just let them be bored.

As for child-led play, we also cannot assume they want to do something with a certain toy. That’s the whole point of this type of play, is letting them play and learn while we observe. They might pick up something simply for the look of it, but if we join in assuming they want to play with that toy, we are officially directing their play. It is no longer theirs. This is why Magda Gerber urges caregivers to step back, let your child do the playing and you will be amazed at the things they come up with. But this means getting rid of biases and assumptions of what ‘play’ is.

when they steal

One child is holding a toy. Another kid comes and takes the toy away. The “stealing” kid’s mother comes over, yanks the toy from their hand, gives it back to the first kid, all while saying something like “no don’t do that, you have to share, that is not nice, if you don’t share we are leaving.” How many of you have seen something like this?

Why are we assuming that young children are bothered by toys being taken? Moreover why are we assuming our child needs us to fix the situation?

If your child is the victim, let them be. Let them learn resourcefulness. Kids live in the moment. They will either try to get their toy back or move on. They may even go find a replacement toy. How cool is that!? They might go find something else to play with because they understand someone has their original item of interest. And why take that aha away from them? Why save them? If they are upset, that’s because they just learned they can’t always have everything they want. That’s an important message in life.

If your child is the stealer, then so be it. They saw something that seemed interesting and went after it. As long as they took it respectfully, which they often do if given the chance, then why stop them? I feel like it is more out of fear that we step in. We are afraid the other kid is upset. We are afraid someone will judge our child for being a bully.  We are afraid someone will judge us for not doing something. But this isn’t about you, the adult, who has life experiences that taught you about repercussions and complex emotions. It’s about the child. Janet Lansbury eloquently writes, “Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning”.

Stop trying to fix it.

when they fall

I see this all the time, a small child falls and the parent rushes over in a panic. The parent fusses as the child learns the power they now have over their caregiver.

I get it, when my son falls my heart stops. It’s indescribable the fear I feel in that moment, wondering if he is all right. Most of the time… he is. I am constantly amazed at how non-fragile babies and kids are.

The problem when we do this is we assume they are in pain and and they feed off this assumption. When we rush over, we are sending several messages to our kid. We are telling them falling or getting hurt is the worst thing that could happen and that they need us. We create a dependency on ourselves to save them from what they are feeling.

I find however, simply stating what you observe is the best thing to do. It helps them make sense of what just happened, and build resiliency. My son often hits his head and I tell him that. I don’t say “poor baby are you ok oh my gosh.” I also don’t try to make him forget with “you’re ok, it’s fine, nothing happened.” I walk over normally, ensure my face is in a natural state, and tell him “you hit your head, I saw that.”

Then I read the situation. If he is still crying hysterically I tell him I am going to pick him up, and I hold him. More often, he calms down and looks at me. Sometimes he looks at where he hit his head, sometimes he puts his hand on his head where he got hurt. He is making sense of what just happened, and I am helping him do it without being his “hero” who saves him from the situation.

This is hard to do, of course, because like I said my heart literally stops when he appears to get hurt. But then, I realize my assumptions that he is hurt are often wrong and seeing him continue to play seconds later makes me confident of this method.

when they “talk”

Often when a toddler says something, we assume to know what they are referring to so we can respond. I mean what else can we do when our toddler is speaking to us using one word sentences? We look at their body language and their tone and deduce the meaning of their message.

What I’ve learned however is sometimes the best thing you can do is, again, say what you observe.

A boy in my RIE class oftentimes points up at the snack table on top of the cabinet and says “nak”. He usually does this before snack time starts. At first his mom would say “you are hungry and ready for snack” or “you want snack”. But he would just keep saying “nak”. Our teacher told the mom that maybe he isn’t hungry. Instead of assuming he is hungry, just say “you see the snack table.” The mom did, the boy lit up and walked away.

You see sometimes they just want to feel heard, feel understood. And acknowledging them this way does so without unknown assumptions. No deniability, as my teacher says. By simply stating what we see there is no denying what we are saying out loud to be true or false, as the case with the boy who wasn’t hungry but just saying he sees the snack table.

Another example that happened in my class was a boy kept saying “daddy.” So the mom tried to rationally let him know daddy is home and they will see him when they get home. The boy persisted. All throughout class, “daddy”, “daddy”, “DADDY”.

The teacher turned to the boy and said “you are saying daddy, you really want daddy.” The boy looked at her, then went on to play.

 

So what’s my point with all this? What are we to do? We are humans who assume. Assumptions help us navigate our world. But too often babies and young children are treated as objects because we assume things for them. They are people, through and through. Assumptions about them simply underestimate their abilities.

I had a teacher in high school who used to tell us “to assume is to make an ass out of you and me.” Maybe inappropriate to be telling this to high school students, but the message stuck.

So stop assuming. Just be there, acknowledge, and trust.

bedtime part 2

Desere1 Comment

Last week I wrote a whole post about babies having a bedtime. Basically I vented about when I go out late at night, I see too many babies and families, the babies are crying, and from my interpretations, the crying is tiredness.

But before I dive into the deeper issues of not adhering to a baby’s bedtime, I want to first clear up any issues I may have caused by writing my little rant the other week.

Now motherhood is hard. And I am not saying that in the cliche way that we hear all the time. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the whole world and unfortunately you only really understand this once you become a mother yourself. Therefore the last thing I ever want to do to you, my readers, is place judgment on you as a mother.  Motherhood is hard enough without judgment and critiquing.

That being said, my blog is about respect. Specifically respecting babies. My goal is to write about a parenting style that is centered on the idea that babies are capable, understand us, and are worthy of trust and respect.

That being said, there are exceptions. Because we are human. And we are not perfect. And we aren’t supposed to be perfect. So…

You have no one to watch the baby and need to run out for last minute errands. I am not judging you.

You go out all day, maybe with friends. You enjoy yourself and miss baby’s bedtime. I am not judging you.

You work everyday, get home late, want to spend time with your kids but also need to get groceries or buy some clothes. I am not judging you.

Now, if this is something you do on the daily then yea I am passing a little judgment. The instances I described in my last post didn’t seem like a once in a while venture out to Target. The parents were ignoring or trying to shush their crying baby so they could dilly dally on their phones and peruse the store. And I simply don’t believe that is in the best interest of their child.

I say this because I see babies as more than they are.

And that’s the whole point of this site. I want to open your eyes, too. I want you to see your baby for more than they are. I want you to sit back and watch your baby “play“. I want you to wait and let your baby struggle before ‘saving’ them. I want you to talk to your baby while doing things to them like picking them up or changing their diaper. Because when you do this, when you really start to create habits like these, babies become more than babies. You will start to see them as whole beings. And once you see them this way, you start to feel for them more. You start to question whether the mentality of “oh he is just a baby it’s fine” is the best way of thinking about things. You start to wonder “would I want anyone treating me like that?” And once you see your baby and all babies like this, you can’t turn it off.

My goal is not to place judgement on you as a mother. When I wrote my last post, even when I wrote about not taking babies to Disneyland, I am describing what I see from the baby’s perspective. And I am doing this to help you see it as well.

I am a teacher at heart after all. Even though I am not RIE certified or credentialed in early childhood development, I believe I can still teach you. I can teach you how I empowered high school students in a subject most adults shudder when mentioned. And I can teach you what I have learned studying this parenting philosophy so far.

If you don’t agree with it, we are all good too. There is no black and white with parenthood, and you have to do what feels right to you.

As for me… I believe in RIE. If you do too, then let’s officially get back on track and dive into the bigger issue underlying my rant from last week.

Why is it so important that we adhere to a bedtime schedule? 

Babies and kids crave routine. The more consistent the environment, the more they will flourish. Routines give babies confidence and security. This security lays the foundation for babies to learn and apply their learning. Because of this constant learning and adapting, the moment you mess with the predictable, you throw off a baby’s world.

Furthermore, there are countless researchers that have shown a correlation between bedtime and cognitive development. Irregular bedtimes are linked with lower scores in reading, math, and spatial awareness. Irregular bedtimes are linked to behavioral problems. Irregular bedtimes are even linked to self-image issues.

But most importantly, irregular bedtimes means you are not putting your child’s needs first. It means you are taking the repetition and routine away from your baby. It means you are going to have a screaming baby. It means you are probably going to get angry or frustrated yourself. It means you are setting yourself up for failure.

Remember how hard being a parent is? So let’s avoid these types of situations if we can. Just respect and trust.

Respect your child’s needs.

This includes being fed and in bed on a consistent schedule.

Trust your child’s ability. 

The more consistent you are, the more they will follow through. Babies and young children are capable of holding up their end of the bargain. They will eat and they will sleep because it becomes a predictable part of their world.

Lastly, because I am passionate about this parenting philosophy I am going to call out any behavior I believe undermines babies and young children. I am not out to criticize you or your choices. I am here to spread knowledge. I have gained a lot of insight when teaching high school students a specific way. And the specific way I taught has now forged the type of mother I have become.

So trust me when I say, I am not here to critique your parenting choices.

But do respect the experience I bring to the table.

the first two years

Desere

I’ve been struggling with independent play since beginning to learn and implement RIE about 6 months ago.

I felt like whenever I needed to leave my son, after letting him know of course, it would be a toss up whether he would continue playing or stand and cry awaiting my return.

How can I enforce better independent play? After all, RIE speaks of growing a babies ability to play on their own into their toddler years and beyond. Independent play builds character. It builds creativity.

So why wasn’t it working every time?

If I sit in his play yard or in the same room, he will play without even glancing at me for what feels like forever. But I have to be there sitting with him.

Am I doing something wrong?

Then my RIE teacher said that for the first two years, the care giver really shouldn’t be doing anything that takes away their attention while the child plays.

Wait a second. Didn’t I write a whole post about how it is important for my child to respect my needs? Didn’t I speak to the importance of leaving them alone?

Well of course, we are human. If we need to use the restroom or even take a breather in another room, we are entitled to do so. But what my RIE teacher is referring to, is remembering that our job for the first two years is to set up a foundation. I wrote about this before. The first two years are about trying out these principles, and laying the groundwork for our children to be independent, to learn strength through struggle, to have manners while eating, and to listen to our words.

To build trust takes time. To fully build a foundation for the RIE characteristics to appear later on in our child … takes time.

This means that as the caregiver we need to entirely dedicate ourself to our child, as much as reasonably possible. When our child is awake, that is NOT the time to fold the laundry. It is NOT the time to clean the dishes. It is NOT the time to work on the computer.

Not for the first two years.

This applies to feeding as well, a topic I talk about a lot. And I talk about feeding a lot because anyone with a child knows, feeding becomes a big part of your life.

The other day I was speaking with a fellow RIE mom about how we feed our children on the floor, at their own little table, giving them all of our attention. And we both agreed that sometimes this feels weird. It feels weird because meals are often social events. In my culture, in most cultures actually, eating is a time to bond.

Therefore sometimes it feels weird that my son eats by himself on the floor. It feels weird to eat dinner with my husband while my son plays. Why not just put my son in his high chair so he can sit with my husband and I, and we can eat together as a family?

Because Desere, that’s not what I need to do for the first two years!

I am teaching my son how to eat right now. For the first two years, he needs me to focus on him. He needs me to pay attention. He needs me to make sure he is safe. He needs me to watch him pick up his glass cup full of water without dumping it on himself. He needs me to watch him use his little fork and spoon.

This is part of the sacrifice I need to make.

But only for the first two years!

When he is older, when he has learned how to eat and have manners while doing so, then OF COURSE we can sit together. We can do this because we have now laid the foundation of what it means to eat a meal.

RIE is often mistaken to only apply to the first two years of a child’s life. But this isn’t true. What RIE does is it gives parents the tools to build the character of their baby for his/her entire life. Many of these ‘tools’ take the first two years to build.

And I relate to this idea a lot because of how I used to teach. I used to think of myself as the type of teacher that was giving my students the tools to problem solve for their entire life. I didn’t care if my kids knew formulas or equations by heart, or if they could solve problems that looked like the problems I had exemplified on the white board.

What mattered to me was that when my students were facing problems in their life, when they were struggling, when they had to work with a group, that they had to tools to overcome these obstacles.

Similarly this respectful parenting philosophy gives us the tools (trust, respect, slowing down, etc) to help our kids develop. And many of these RIE tools require investment during the first two years. 

it’s the process not the product

Desere2 Comments

I wrote about the RIE approach to feeding my son, and since he was 7 months old this way of eating has really worked for both of us.

But now he is 13 months old, and he is eating more than ever. Sometimes I feel anxious that I can’t keep up with how much he can eat. I worry if he is getting enough veggies and carbs, if he has the right balance of protein and fruit. He also loves flavor, so I am constantly switching up the spices, being careful not to add too much salt to anything.

Some days, he eats a lot. He can eat 3 eggs in the morning, a bagel at lunch, and a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

Other days, he barely eats.

I make chicken flavored one way and he will eat the whole thing. I make chicken flavored another way and he seems to hate it.

It drives me crazy.

And it makes me nervous.

I know he needs to eat. He needs to eat so he can grow. He also needs the energy. So I get preoccupied with what he is taking in.

But its not supposed to be about what he is actually eating. Feeding times are a time to bond, and a time to teach him manners. I am supposed to be teaching my son how to eat.

Some days he takes the food, some days he does not. Who cares? He won’t starve. I give him plenty of opportunities throughout the day with breakfast, snack, lunch, and dinner. On top of all this, I am still breastfeeding a few times a day. So I know he won’t starve. Kids aren’t built like that anyway. If he is hungry he will eat or cry to let me know.

So why am I worrying so much? I need to trust him! RIE is about trust!

Today I made him scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato. He barely ate, spitting a lot of it out once it hit his tongue. I kept wondering why he was spitting it out. I kept taking more on my fork and trying to feed him directly.

Then I stopped myself, and remembered, it’s not the product that matters, it’s the process. I need to slow down…

So I scanned the situation.

Is he sitting down completely? Sometimes he squats, which should not be allowed because he can too easily pop up and leave with food in his hands or in his mouth. I made sure his butt was on the floor before he grabbed any food.

He is also now practicing using a spoon and fork. He just started taking them away from me one day, so I always give him his own set and let him practice using them on his own. I still have my utensil so I can offer him food directly.

But again, I need to remember this is a process. If I bring my fork toward him and he opens his mouth, he wants food. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. We can’t force someone to eat, just like we can’t force someone to sleep.

Sometimes he is working so hard on getting his own spoon in the bowl of yogurt, that he could care less about the spoon-full I am offering. And that should be ok. He is barely past 1 and is using his spoon! I should embrace this and encourage him in learning to use his utensils. After all, my job is to teach him to have manners at the table, right?

Of course that being said, the moment he starts swinging his fork back and forth trying to push food off the tray, I should stop him and say something like, “I will not let you do that, the fork is for eating not playing.” Because … manners.

I decided to write this because at my RIE class, we have begun doing snack time. It goes fairly similar to how I feed my son at home, but with 5 or 6 other toddlers and a lot more chaos. My son rarely sits down for snack. I can tell everything is just too stimulating for him. The toys are everywhere, there are kids all around doing their own thing. He will go to the table, and then a kid might crawl by holding something and my son gets instantly distracted.

So I asked my teacher if it was ok that he isn’t always participating in class even though at home feeding is going well. She told me, the purpose of class is to model how to feed this way. It is a parent guidance class after all. She was trying to show us how to approach giving our child food using trust and respect. The fact that Franky never eats in class means nothing. And then she continued to talk about process vs product.

So I guess I am mostly writing this as a reminder to myself.

I need to stop worrying so much about the product, about what my son actually gets in his mouth. I need to focus on the process, about how my son is learning to eat, manners and all.

building a foundation

Desere

Last week I wrote about my idea of leaving your kids alone. When you need to do something during the day, or when trying to enforce their sleep, leave them alone. This is a way to build mutual respect.

This week I want to piggyback off this post.

I have talked to several moms who don’t necessarily buy into my ideas of leaving my son for a few minutes, or asking him to help me change his diaper. Other moms have tried, and tell me that it just doesn’t work. They try to go to the bathroom but their baby cries hysterically.

So they wonder, how can I be a self respected adult and go to the restroom? How can I teach my child to respect me and my needs, when they act like the world is ending if I leave the room?

Here’s the thing, this stuff doesn’t happen overnight.

I have been fortunate to stumble upon these ideas early on, and I have been working on each idea with my son for months and months now, persistently.

The ideas behind this respectful parenting approach take time. It takes time to implement, and it takes time to take effect.

So last week my advice was leave your kids alone.

Now I say if you want to be able to leave successfully, you have to first build a foundation of trust.

A foundation of respect and trust begins with communication. Before I was ever able to leave, I needed my son to trust me to come back. For him to trust me to come back, he had to believe my words when I say “I am going, but I will be back in a few minutes.” And he only began believing my words when I began asking him if I could pick him up.

Asking and telling him what I was going to do, before doing it, built trust and anticipation. I wrote about how anticipation begets cooperation. When you give your child the opportunity to anticipate what’s about to happen to him or her, they will more likely go along with it. More likely, but not always.

This means for months, I started with the idea “can I pick you up”.  I asked him, occasionally told him, and waited. I did this for months. (Am I stressing enough how long this all took me? Because it took months!)

Only after I saw that my son was listening to my words did I begin to tackle diaper changes.

That’s because in order to transform our changing table experience, I needed my son to hear me. He needed to hear when I said lift your legs up, or punch through your shirt.

Months went by (yes months), and I was working on building more trust through communication. You see it takes time to build a relationship based on trust and openness. It takes time for him to trust me when I say that I’m going to do things but that I’m going to tell him first.

Only after I mastered the changing table, did I move on to telling my son I was leaving the room.

My point is, you can’t just jump into leaving your baby and hope it works. It doesn’t even always work for me. And you can’t just start talking to your child on the changing table hoping for a miracle.

This was always a big parenting aha moment for me, that to implement anything with my son takes time and commitment. I first realized this when starting a bedtime routine with him. It took several days before we got our routine down. The key was continuing every night, same routine, same time.

When I taught high school, I used to have teachers come and observe me because of the curriculum and methods I was using in my classroom. Afterwards, they used to tell me how amazed they were with my students. They couldn’t believe how well they worked in groups, tried each problem, self-advocated when they were struggling, and vocalized their ideas to the rest of the class. They were impressed. I was impressed too.

But what I told the other teachers when they began training with me was that what they saw takes time. I couldn’t stress it enough. Everything they saw was the result of months and months of preparation. It took months of me sitting with groups, literally showing them what it looks like to talk and share ideas. It took months of randomly calling students to get them to actually listen to each other. It took months of celebrating mistakes for students to feel comfortable making them in front of each other, and their teacher. Basically I spent the first semester building this culture in my classroom.

So I have experience putting a lot of time in, knowing the results will be worth it.

Is it daunting? Of course it is. Everything about being a parent is daunting enough, without the pressure of also trying to build a respectful relationship with your child. But if you truly want your children to be raised a certain way, any way, you need to set up the foundation first. And it’s never too late to start. Start now. Just remember, it won’t happen overnight. And that’s ok too.

So be patient, be consistent, and be persistent. There are no shortcuts in raising resourceful, respectful, and competent human beings. Build the foundation now! Trust me, it will be worth it. 

leave them alone

Desere

Being a mom has taught me a lot about relationships. My relationship with my husband, my parents, and my friends changed, because I changed. And I expected this to happen because I knew being a mom would change everything.

But the one relationship I never really thought about before having my son, was the one I would have with him.

Over the past year I have been developing a relationship with him that was mostly based on his dependence on me. He depended on me for food and to maintain his sleep schedule. He depended on me for love and affection.

Furthermore adopting RIE into my parenting meant that I tried to base the relationship I have with my son on respect.

But now that Frank is one year old, I realized that it’s not enough for me to respect my son. I want a relationship based on mutual respect.

Well, what does a mutually respectful relationship look like with a one year old?

I think I show Franky respect when I give him space to play on his own (baby led play), when I tell him what I am going to do before I do it, when I ask for his help when changing his diaper, or when I think about his needs before taking him places.

I am teaching him to build respect for me when I leave him to shower, use the bathroom, or cook dinner. Because as a self-caring adult, I need to do these things during the day. And as a self respected mother, I refuse to give up these self caring acts, nor do I think I should have to.

And I really think leaving him briefly during the day to take care of myself, is teaching him to respect me and my needs.

So my advice for you to have this type of mutually respectful relationship with your baby or young toddler, is to leave them alone.

Don’t be with your baby or carry them around all day. In other words, attachment parenting is not recommended, it provides a false sense of presence. You will not be there by their side forever, that’s not how life works. Your child has the right to learn this.

Furthermore, your child has the right to learn how to be alone, that being alone for a few minutes is ok and that you will return (because you always do).

We build trust with our babies when we tell them “I will be back in a few minutes”, and then we actually come back. This idea takes time for babies to develop, of course. It relates to psychological development known as object permanence, I still exist even though you cannot see me. But there is no reason or harm in starting when they are little.

In fact there is countless research that shows as long as you are present with your child during the day, really present, there is no proof that they feel fear or abandonment when you are not there.

This brings me to my next point, sleep.

You cannot make someone sleep. You cannot make someone eat. You cannot make someone leave you to play with others. These actions require readiness, and your child will do them when they are ready.

Today in RIE class we talked a lot about sleep, specifically what happens when our child begins waking up during the night after months of being a great sleeper. What is triggering them to wake up? What is the respectful approach to handling them at that time?

We talked about different strategies on what to do. One mom recommended the happy sleeper method, and our teacher discussed the issues of using any one cookie-cutter method.

Babies wake up for all sorts of reasons, teething, a loud noise, stomach ache, hungry, over-tired, change in routine, developmental milestone, etc. We cannot treat every reason the same. We can, however, remember that we have needs as well. It is unreasonable to go in every hour, or for every cry. It is unreasonable to create crutches, tricks that our children rely on to fall back asleep (rocking, nursing, singing …) Remember, we deserve respect too. And no self-respected adult should go night after night losing sleep for no reason.

So instead we provide the timing and place for sleep. We provide a predictable routine. We acknowledge. And most importantly, we leave.

When it’s around 6:15 and I have completed the bedtime routine that I do every night, I tell my son that I’m going to place him in his crib and then lay him down. I tell him I love him, that I’ll be downstairs, and that when he wakes up I’ll be here. And I leave.

If during the night he cries for longer than a minute, I return and acknowledge. Remember, I am not a fan of the ‘cry it out method’. Instead I go in his room and say something like, “I see how hard this is for you, but this is resting time. I love you. I am going to go back outside.” I rub his back for a few minutes and sometimes even blow him a kiss as I leave.

I return because I love him.

I acknowledge because I respect him.

I leave because I respect him so much that I want him to learn how to sleep, and fall asleep, on his own.

My biggest weakness was nursing my son back to sleep. I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, because there were months (like when Frank started standing) where he would wake up twice or three times. After our pediatrician reaffirmed that at this age, they do not wake up because of hunger, I decided enough was enough. I am going to leave my baby alone.

And I think, actually I hope, that he is learning his body and how to put himself back to sleep without me. I hope that he also respects me for giving him the space to be able to figure this out on his own.

So whether you are struggling with your child’s sleep patterns, or simply needing time to get anything done during the day, my simple advice remains the same… leave them alone.

relaxing play date

Desere

My last RIE class reaffirmed why I love this parenting philosophy so much.

When I walked in there was just one boy there already with his mom. I sat down with Franky on my lap and waited until he was ready to leave me. I waited until I could feel him leaning out of my lap. But he didn’t. A few minutes went by, five, then ten minutes, and my son sat on me, completely content.

When he was finally ready to leave, he didn’t go to the toys like every other class, he kept going to the other boy sitting on his mom.
My son was craving a social interaction, a connection with someone, not something.

The other boy, however, was simply craving time on his mom.

I learned that this boy goes to day care a few days a week, because the mom works part time. This is one of the few times during the week he probably gets his moms’ 100% undivided attention. So he was soaking it up.

And the best part about RIE class is that this boy could stay on his mom for as long as he wanted. He could hug her for the entire 1.5 hours of class. Because RIE class gives the space for kids to just be.

Just like my son could sit on me for longer than he normally does.

It’s important to allow the space for babies to warm up in their own way and to decide for themselves to be independent of us as their caregiver. There are so many times where we are the ones that put our kids down and leave them. How often do we leave them to use the restroom or prepare dinner? And how often do we give them the opportunity to leave us?

Later, a third boy came with his mom.
And that was it for today’s class, just three boys.

When the third came he began playing with the toys and my son went over to play with him.

Everything was so relaxed and so mellow. It was so refreshing.

I realized that this is the only time in the week  that I can have a play date where the moms are not distracted. There is no noise and chaos from kids screaming and running around, while moms sit around and chat about this and that.

When I go to those types of play dates, I feel like us moms are there for each other, not our kids. Which is valid. Being a stay-at-home mom is tough because often you spend most of your day without speaking to another adult. No conversation can mess with you. And so having a play date with the true intention of having other adults to talk to is completely understandable.

But I don’t like it. I don’t like it because my son’s needs get ignored. I don’t like entering those play dates and putting my son down so I can catch up with my mommy friends. I don’t like watching other kids clinging on their moms, craving a connection, but being pushed to “go play with the other kids so mommy can talk”. I never feel relaxed at these events.

I like RIE class because there is a predictability each week. The predictability is in the time and space we are providing for our babies, and for ourselves.

We always sit against the wall and observe. The room is always set up with the same wooden, silicone, and plastics toys. Our kids are always the ones that get to choose when to leave us to play. And they are always given the freedom to explore, or not.

I love being able to let go of preconceived ideas of what our kids should do or how they should play.

We get to let go because we know it’s a safe space. There are two teachers and several moms observing and providing minimal intervention if necessary.

We get to slow down.

Consequently, our kids get to slow down too.

Our kids get to take in every adult’s face. They get to climb, and fall. They get to play with open ended objects. They get to explore wood and metal. They get to go outside.

They also get to sit on us whenever they want, for as long as they want.

RIE class is the most relaxing of play dates I’ve ever had.

sometimes i don’t know if RIE will work

Desere

“I want to be transparent with you.”

This was something I used to tell my students when I taught high school. I used this line to start any conversation where I wanted to be open and honest with them. Maybe it was about the administration requiring me to do something I didn’t believe in, or the testing schedule was conflicting with the learning. Regardless, I believed in having open communication with my students. After all, I expected them to have open communication with each other and myself.

I first heard this line by my mentor, who also believed in being honest with his students. At first I wondered, why show such vulnerability? Wouldn’t students see this as a weakness? We are the teachers. They are students. Those are clear roles that have clear boundaries. We don’t need to justify anything to them. But my mentor made me realize this was not a form of weakness, it was a strength. It was a way to build the relationship, to build rapport.

So, readers, I want to be transparent with you.

In my last post, I wrote about an incident that happened with my mom and my son. After replaying this incident in my head, re-reading my post about it, and speaking with my mom several times about it, I found myself questioning this parenting philosophy I have chosen.

Honestly, this was not the first time I heard the little voice in my head wondering, is this the right way?

How do I know RIE will work? 

How do I know I am not creating emotional scars for my child? 

What if positive parenting is just a ‘trend’ right now?

What if in a few years several articles written by PhD so-and-so, and studies done by Ivy League what’s-it-called come out showing RIE is a bust? 

I know I am not the only mom that wonders if what I am doing on the daily is hurting or helping my child.

I am an over-thinker. And I am sensitive. Which means, I take most things to heart and I tend to over-think everything to the point of exhaustion. So when there is just a little bit of doubt about what I am doing, it gets amplified in my head.

But I didn’t choose RIE because it sounded nice at the time. I chose to follow this philosophy because it spoke to me, to who I am.

I chose RIE because it is a way of parenting, and a way of life, centered on the idea of respect. 

And that idea means the world to me.

But it is hard because it is different. I know I am going against the grain when I avoid screen time with my son, when I speak to him like an adult, when I ask if I can pick him up before doing so. I am aware of all these things. It is very different than what most people are used to. It is very different than how my parents raised me.

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Robert Frost was talking about when he said to take the road less traveled. And I hope it does make all the difference.

But the hardest part is not only that it is different, because it is. No, the hardest part is not offending anyone else’s parenting style knowing how different mine is to theirs. Because parenting is not black and white. Parenting is not even gray, it is a swirl of colors and ideas. Since every person is different, every style of parenting is different. And there is no right or wrong because what works for some might not work for others. As the worlds biggest ‘learn on the job’ type of job, it really depends on who you are and what you believe to be true.

My parents did not raise me using RIE. There were a lot of things they did that would be considered anti-RIE. But here’s the thing, I don’t ever for a second think about their parenting in a bad way.

When I was pregnant and reading left and right about babies and discipline, all I kept coming back to in my head was how incredible my parents handled everything. I put them up on a pedestal and decided I would use them as my guide because my parents instilled in us the characteristics I hope to see in my son one day.

And look, maybe they had no idea what they were doing at the time. But overall (and obviously I am super biased) I think they did a fantastic job.

Therefore, for me to choose this style of parenting that is so different, is not easy. As willing as my amazing mom is to learn with me and try everything I ask of her, I can see how hard it is for her to do things against what she is used to. Consequently, I am having a lot of difficulty sustaining my own passion for this philosophy.

I am questioning myself, because what if ‘respect’ is not enough. When my son is crying, my heart breaks. Of course I want him to stop because he is sad, which makes me sad. And I love him so much that I don’t ever want him to feel sad. But Magda Gerber, founder of RIE, once said “Many awful things have been done in the name of love, but nothing awful can be done in the name of respect.”

What is she referring to?

Well, let’s take the case of a child crying:

  • Showing them love is assuming that when children cry, they are sad. In order to stop feeling sad, they need to stop crying. So we make them stop.
  • Showing them respect is teaching our children how to sit with their uncomfortable feelings and work through them.

We cannot really limit how someone feels, regardless if that someone is an adult or child. It’s not up to us to decide how long someone else needs to cry to get the emotions out. The adult’s job who is nearby, ANY adult nearby, is to let the feelings be, for as long as they need to. RIE is about giving our children emotional freedom, because our children cannot regulate their emotions the way we as adults can. They learn to regulate emotions only through experience. So let them experience strong emotions. Let them experience processing those emotions. And let them experience what it feels like to come out the other side.

We are teaching emotional intelligence.

Ok all this sounds nice… but the fact still remains that this is just so different than what most parents do and believe. And I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know if my child will end up with more emotional intelligence than other children, or if following this style of parenting will give my son emotional scars. I don’t know if positive parenting will get my son to be more creative and hard working. I have no idea if openly communicating with him will give him a better vocabulary. Who knows if modeling respect will make him be respectful to himself and others.

Sometimes, I don’t know if RIE will work.

Maybe Robert Frost was wrong, maybe the road less traveled will not make all the difference.

But I started this blog because I wanted to share my experiences with you, the good and the bad. Maybe when I reach post # 29,583 we will laugh together about how silly and naive I was in the beginning… Maybe.

But a fellow RIE mom was giving advice to another mom who was having doubts about baby-led play and it really resonated. Here is what she wrote:

“It sounds like you are using RIE with a goal in mind. Try to let go of that. RIE kids are not more creative, or independent, or able, than any other kids. They are just more *themselves*. It is hard to let go when you just want the best for your son, but really trust him. He is doing what he needs to do. Try not to compare him to others. The only goal of RIE is really to have the tools to truly allow our kids to be who they are.“

Thank you fellow RIE mom, for reminding me of what RIE is really about and why I believe in it so much.

crying is uncomfortable

Desere6 Comments

My mom came over today.

I had just walked back from the park with my son and was dying to use the restroom. I walked in, put Frank on the floor, and told him I was sorry but really needed to use the restroom. Usually I give him a bigger warning but I didn’t think I could wait this time. So I left him on the floor with his grandma and went.

Frank cried. Sometimes he does when I leave.

When I came out of the bathroom, I sat on the floor and rubbed my son’s back. I told him I hear him and I see how sad he was that I left.

My mom turned to me and said, “I don’t think this RIE stuff works.”

This is not the first time she has said this phrase to me.

She explained that he was crying when I left. I said I heard. She said because she respects my parenting she didn’t do anything. So I asked her what is it that she would have done differently. She said she would have distracted him.

Why?

To stop his crying.

Now before I go on, I want to point out my mom has the best of intentions. She loves her grandson. And I love her dearly for trying to learn about this parenting philosophy because she sees how important it is to me. (I love you mom)

But here is the problem my mom is facing: crying makes her uncomfortable.

And I don’t blame her. Crying makes me uncomfortable too. As a matter of fact, I bet you it would be tough to find many people who didn’t feel weird when they heard crying, especially a baby crying. Our instincts tell us to help, help by making it stop.

But maybe our job is not to try and fix it. My son is sad because I left. Why do I need to stop his feeling sad?

When I am sad or upset and I sit with my husband to tell him what is bothering me, I don’t know how I would feel if he started waving something in front of my face or singing a song to me. Actually that’s a lie. I know how I would feel. I would feel angry and disrespected.

I want a shoulder to cry on. I want a listening ear. That’s what I crave when I’m sad.

Do babies deserve any less?

Well maybe they do. Maybe we should stop their crying. After all, feeling sad is… sad.

So let’s stop his feelings by distracting him. Let’s send him the message that this feeling of sadness he is experiencing is wrong, that he needs to ignore it, it needs to stop.

And it’s easy to distract a baby, simply wave something in front of their face.

The consequence of course is that I am now conditioning my baby to ignore this weird feeling. When my baby becomes let’s say seven years old, waving a toy might not be powerful enough. Maybe now when he’s feeling sad I will turn on a movie for him or give him ice cream. That is stronger than simply showing him a new object.

What happens when he becomes a teenager and starts feeling sad? What will he turn to that’s more powerful than TV in order to distract himself? I can think of a few things teenagers turn to to distract themselves from daily life, can’t you?

Am I implying that distracting my son so he stops crying will make him a drug addict? Of course not. But why aren’t we teaching our children how to handle healthy emotions? And why not start when they are young, really young? There is nothing wrong with feeling sad. As a matter of fact, children and babies are naturally inclined to release their feelings so they can move on.

As Patty Wipfler from Hand-in-Hand parenting explains:

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night.”

So crying is uncomfortable. I agree. Guess what, it is probably uncomfortable to your child as well. So let them cry and get over the big wave of emotions they are feeling. Then you both can move on.

Just to clarify however, I do not believe in the ‘cry it out’ method. When I say, let them cry, this does not mean leave them to cry alone and afraid while I wait in another room for it to stop. Respectful parenting is not about ignoring these feelings. Our job is to be present, and to support our child through it.

My presence is incredibly important during this time of big emotions. That is why when I got out of the restroom I didn’t pick my son up to rescue him from his own crying. I sat down on his level, told him that I was here, that I see he is sad, and that I understand.

I have this personal motto. I made it up when I was really young and used to use it whenever I got hurt. “Embrace and overcome.” If I fell or anything, I would tell myself embrace the pain and overcome. Then when I got older and was on the water polo team, I used it when practice was hard and my body was aching. Finally, when I was in labor with my son, I tried to remember this as well.

What’s my point with all this? Well this motto applies to crying and my son.

Allowing him to self soothe, with me being 100% present, is the best thing I can do when he is upset. Yes I am uncomfortable when I hear him crying because, crying is uncomfortable. But I need to embrace this uncomfortable feeling, and overcome it. This way I can help my son embrace his big feelings as well, and most importantly, overcome them. 

slow down

Desere1 Comment

The biggest takeaway from my second RIE class was the idea of slowing down. In order to have a trusting relationship and open communication with our babies, we really need to slow down to their level. Babies don’t process things as fast as we do.

Here is what happened in this week’s class. I really needed to go to the bathroom, so naturally I turned to the teacher and said “I need to go to the bathroom.” She looked at me and replied, “You shouldn’t be telling me, you should tell your son.”

Huh?!?

I came here with my son. We came together. If there was anyone who needed to know that I was about to leave the room, it was him. Duh!

Think about it like this, if you went somewhere with a friend, you wouldn’t just leave to the bathroom, you would tell your friend where you were going, right? Treating babies with respect, as whole people, means giving them the same courtesy. More so than adults, because babies and toddlers are driven by their emotions. Leaving can trigger intense feelings and should be acknowledged, not ignored.

My instructor told me to tell my son. She said to tell him first, without moving. To wait. Then to get up and go.

So I did. I told Franky “I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a few minutes ok?” and then got up and left. As I was next door in the bathroom, I could hear the distinct cry of my son. He was crying! I hurried back and saw he was definitely in distress. The teacher was talking to him saying “your mom left and you didn’t like that.” When she saw me she said “your mom is here now.” She told me to move close to where he was sitting, which I did. I picked him up and hugged him, without saying anything. After a few minutes he calmed down and went off to play.

But I had made a mistake.

My teacher pointed out that when telling my son I needed to go to the bathroom I ended my statement with “ok?” which is a very typical thing parents often do. We do this as if to soften our statement. But it’s not softening it, it is asking permission. As adults and as parents, we do not, should not, need the permission of our children to do self caring acts (like going to the bathroom).

And in the eyes of my son, of course it’s not ok! My son doesn’t want to be left alone.

Instead, I need to tell him I am going.

Period.

And then go.

Don’t stick around. Don’t say it 100 times. Don’t be all sad with your eyebrows down trying to empathize. You need to go to the bathroom, go! Your child will learn to respect that you need to take care of yourself, and will grow up respecting this idea of others.

RIE is not about avoiding our babies’ cries. It was ok that he cried! It is ok to set limits and for our kids to say, hey we don’t like that. Most parents often give in at this point because their baby is crying or whining. We just have to remind ourselves IT’S OK for baby to do these things

This is literally the only way that the baby can communicate. Since RIE is about open communication, it really should go both ways. The baby is not going to always like what you have to say, and will express their dislike for whatever you just set a limit for.

But here is the best part. You set some limit. Your baby cries (or not). And then, you both can move on. Because when babies and children have the space and support to let out their feelings, they are much more ready to move on. We don’t stop them from crying, we accept it the way I did in class when I simply held my son after returning from the bathroom without saying “you’re ok.”

The only thing you need to remember is to slow down. Babies are incredibly good listeners, but things need to marinate for a bit until they can truly process it.

  • slow down while changing a diaper

    • this is not a time to rush
    • ask your baby for help and wait

  • slow down while feeding

    • read your baby’s cues for hunger and for fullness
    • ensure safety, remember they are just learning how to eat

  • slow down while playing

    • babies don’t get bored
    • really look at what they are interested in instead of assuming anything
    • your baby is playing with one toy, now is not the time to grab another toy to show him/her

  • slow down if your baby seems distracted or isn’t paying attention

    • something fascinating might have caught his/her eye. It could be as simple as a reflection bouncing off a surface. Bend down, look where your baby is looking, and enjoy this moment.

  • slow down when telling your baby something

    • want to get up and leave your child, say it first before getting up
    • better yet, say “in one minute I’m going to get up and go to the bathroom.” Then 1 min later, “I am going to get up now and go to the the bathroom. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Then go

 

 

changing table revolution

Desere2 Comments

Oh the struggle of the changing table.

There is no way any parent of a child has not faced this type of struggle at some point or another. For us, it happened when Frank was 7.5 months old. He HATED being on his back. He would immediately roll over and try to escape. So we did what most parents do, we tried distracting him with some toy so we could finish changing his diaper as fast as possible.

And this worked. Sort of. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Often  my son was crying and screaming. Until I found RIE. Aha! I was doing this all wrong…

First, the groundwork of RIE that are crucial to this change:

  • respect

  • trust

  • doing less so your child does more

  • giving 100% attention during care-taking activities

 

My baby is as deserving of respect and trust as anyone else in the world. During this time (and the other 4+ times that day when we are on the changing table) I need to treat my son with respect. This means I need to stop distracting him with a toy.

I remember moms preaching to me while I was pregnant, “distraction, distraction, distraction.” And distraction truly is a godsend as a new parent. Your baby is crying, distract with a song. Your baby is on the changing table, distract with a toy. Your baby doesn’t wan’t to eat, distract by moving the spoon like an airplane (bonus: make airplane sounds).  But this can easily become a slippery slope. Your kid is unhappy, distract with a funny face. Your kids are bothering you while you are out with friends, distract with a smartphone. This ‘tool’ has became an integral part of parenting in our society, and an easy fix to several situations. The unfortunate side effects of this, however, are that you are creating a dependency on entertainment, you are ignoring your child’s feelings, and you are signaling to your little one that they are passive beings with no rights or abilities.

Let’s back up a little and go back to the changing table. When you give your baby a toy so you can change their diaper in peace, and quickly, you are really doing them an dishonor. You are being deceptive, rather than respective. “I am going to trick you into not paying attention to me while I do things to your body.” Don’t underestimate your child’s intelligence! RIE is about honest communication. Rather than distract, honestly let your child know what is about to happen. Just as we let them know we are going to pick them up before scooping them off the ground, we also let them know we are going to change them before setting them on the changing table. It is not about lying to them, it is about including them.

If your child cries when you set them down, acknowledge these feelings. Again, we don’t give them a toy to ‘shut them up’. This shows we do not value their emotions. Instead say “I hear you, you are upset. Are you not ready to lay down on your back yet?” Letting my son know that I hear his cries and that I am trying to help, has really transformed my relationship with him. Sometimes I pick him up and wait. Other times I tell him that I hear him and that I am here, which is often all it takes for him to calm down. I wait  until he is calm before I start the diaper process. This way he feels secure in knowing that I hear him, but that I am not deterred from my parental duty.

This leads to the next part, trust. In order to truly include your baby in this activity, you need to trust in his/her ability. None of this will work if you don’t trust that your baby is capable of listening to your directions, and helping you through this task. Describe everything you are doing, and ask your baby for help. Keep asking, and keep asking. In time, your baby will start to do what you ask.

I used to open up my son’s diaper and grab his legs by the ankle to raise his butt. Isn’t this what all parents do? When I decided to try RIE on the changing table, I began with the idea of asking him to raise his legs. “I am opening up your diaper. Raise your legs so I can take the diaper off.” Then I waited. This felt so long, but I was determined. Finally my son raised his legs! Maybe he did it coincidentally. Maybe he had an itch. Maybe he wanted to see his toes. I don’t know! But he raised his legs and I said, “Thank you for raising your legs. I can now remove your diaper.” Regardless of why he did it, he is listening to the words I am saying as he is completing the action. With time, the connection gets made. This is how language gets formed, organically.

I let him know that I am wiping him to make sure he is clean. Then I tell him that I am going to slide the clean diaper under his butt. “When you are ready, put your legs down.” More waiting. A lot of waiting. Finally he puts his legs down. “Thank you for putting your legs down. Now I can close up your clean diaper. Can you feel my strapping it down?”

RIE is about doing less, so your child does more. Why put so much stress onto yourself during this time of the day? By doing less and letting my son do more during his diaper changes, I feel so much happier. I actually like changing his diaper now!

This brings me to the last point from above, giving 100% attention. Since RIE believes in child-led play, many might argue that there leaves no time during the day to love on your baby. My husband did at least. When we first began using RIE at home and my son would be playing, my husband would interrupt him with kisses, or try to play with him with a specific toy. When I tried to stop him, my husband would get angry with me, saying “this is my son and I can love him and kiss him and play with him when I want.” How could I truly argue? I too felt like I was losing ‘love’ time with my baby by becoming an observer most of the day.

But love shows up during other parts of the day, the care-taking parts. What better way to show someone you love them then when you take care of them? When you are changing a diaper or feeding your baby, those are the one-on-one moments. Those are the times to take in your baby’s wonderfulness, to see who they are, to talk to them and love on them.

Now this takes a lot of time, and patience. So much patience! I read an article about a father’s experience applying RIE to the changing table and he said, be ready to spend the whole day there. Just have that expectation going in, because sometimes you will have to wait. Once I accepted this, the waiting seemed to get shorter.

My husband is not as patient as I am. It took him a lot longer to accept this new style of diaper changes. He often told me that it wasn’t going to work. He also would tell my son a few times “put your legs down” before sometimes nudging them down himself. But now? My husband is the master of the changing table. After truly adopting this method and waiting more, my husband has so much fun with my son. I can hear them from the next room and even feel jealous of their bonding! How great is that? They get to bond during an activity most parents dread!

 

The latest thing I began trying was letting my son throw his diaper into the diaper genie. After the “punch your arms through the sleeve” and “kick your leg as I pull your pants on”, I pick up his diaper and move it toward the edge of the changing table where the diaper genie is. He get’s so excited and flips onto his stomach. At first I showed him how I opened the diaper genie and threw the diaper inside, then snapped the lid closed again. (narrating what I was doing, of course). Now I leave the diaper there and open the diaper genie, and wait. My son literally bounces up and down from joy. He picks up the diaper and leans over. I keep one hand on his back to make sure he is safe. He then throws the diaper into the diaper genie. I push it down. We close the lid together. I let him know we are all done and that I am going to pick him up. This is so much fun, you seriously need to try it.

What am I planning on trying next? Well my RIE teacher told us that one parent had her kid help open up his diaper and similarly tap on the straps of the new diaper to close it. I have not tried this yet, but this is my next goal. Sometimes Franky’s hands are on the diaper as I open it up, so I say “You feel your full diaper, I am going to open it now. Do you feel my pulling the straps open?” Soon he will take over this, and that’s one less thing I need to do!

Diaper changes… I like them… mic drop

 

feeding the RIE way

Desere1 Comment

In my last post I wrote about my interpretation of this new thing called RIE and the ideas I was beginning to try out at home.

It began with asking Franky if I could pick him up and pausing, before scooping him off the ground. My husband quickly adopted this idea too, and within a few days this silly habit became the norm. Next would be feeding my son, the RIE way. Continue reading “feeding the RIE way” →

the philosophy i’m tRIEying

Desere

In my last post I went on and on and on about how I struggled as a new mom. It all changed when I found something called RIE. As I try and explain my discovery and initial exposure to this new idea, please remember that:

I do not have a PhD in child development.

I do not have a PhD. period.

I am not trying to preach.

I am not RIE certified.

I do not claim to have all the answers.

Here we go…

RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educators. It is a philosophy of Continue reading “the philosophy i’m tRIEying” →

mrs. shuter and aha moments

Desere

My name is Desere Shuter. I am 25, married, and have an 8 1/2 month old baby boy, Frank.

I decided to start this blog so that I can share the struggle of leaving a career I loved and figuring out how exactly to be a stay at home mom.

What I found through this struggle, was that I needed to start adopting the ideals I had as a teacher, to the type of mother I wanted to be. Therefore I first need to share exactly what type of teacher I was. Continue reading “mrs. shuter and aha moments” →