Tag: words

what you say and how you say it

Desere1 Comment

When your child does something ‘bad’, how do you react? What do you say?

The power of our words is huge when we believe in a respectful relationship built on communication. But it is not only what we say but how we say it.

Depending on the words we use and our tone, we can either be punitive in the way we interact with our little ones, or instructive. Considering these people are still learning who they are and how to be in the world, being instructive will go a lot farther.

For example, using the phrase ‘thank you’ can change the dialogue when you feel like your child is really testing you. 

Thank you for letting me know you really want that. You cannot have that because…

Thank you for letting me know this is too much for you to do, I am going to pick you up now…

Thank you for letting me know you need my help right now.

Thank you for showing me how you feel. I understand. 

Using this phrase, we instantly change our mindset. Instead of thinking ‘what are you doing!?’ or getting angry that our child isn’t listening, we take their actions as a call for help. We take their behavior as a signal that they do need us. Saying a phrase like something above is more of a reminder to us, the adult, that our child is telling us something. They are not trying to be bad just because.

This phrase, thank you, can also be used at the end of our own sentences instead of ‘ok’. This is something my husband and I struggle with a lot with. We will often tell our son, “I am going upstairs to flip the laundry, ok?” But why am I adding the ‘ok’? Am I really asking my son’s permission? Of course not. I am going upstairs. That is definitive. I am simply letting him know so he doesn’t worry about where I am and knows I am coming back.

Simply stopping to say the last ok is tough to do. So sometimes instead we can say thank you. It’s a temporary fix for our mind which still wants to add that last phrase. “I am going to the bathroom, thank you.”

Our word choices mean also giving options rather than demands. I described the idea of indirect commands here. Saying something as easy as

“Can you move by yourself or do you need my help?”

Either way, the child has to move. There is no option to opt-out. However instead of demanding “move out of the way!”, we are providing the choice. We can go further by first stating what we observe:

“Someone is at the door and wants to open it, you are sitting next to the door.”

Pause… this may be enough for your child to move. Wait and see. Children are incredibly logical thinkers. Give them a chance. And if not, no biggie, no reason to increase our volume or get angry. Just continue with “Can you move out of the way yourself or do you need my help?”

Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect and it’s very easy for adults to disrespect and disempower children. It is easy to disempower them by not acknowledging their needs. But our phrasing can fix this. 

A child is hitting. We do not ignore this. We say, “You really need to hit. Thank you for letting me know. I cannot let you hit another person, I have to keep everyone safe. Here is a doll (hand them a doll) that you can hit.”

The point is that we are not disempowering the need the kid has. We are not punishing the kid for having this impulse. We are instructing them how to safely carry out this impulse. We are taking their action as a sign for help, not a symptom of the terrible twos.

If you constantly disempower kids, they will find another way to seek out this power. This is why people label toddlers as ‘terrible’. They are constantly seeking out the power that is constantly taken away from them. This is why redirection and acknowledgment is key. We are not reinforcing the behavior. Our words are clear. It is just how we say it that makes the difference in the parent-child relationship. 

power of our words

Desere

Last week my son kept waking up in the middle of the night. He is getting some molars so this is expected. Nevertheless several months ago I told myself I would stop breastfeeding him in the middle of the night because it became too much of a habit for him. He expected it whenever he woke up. He was dependent on it to fall back asleep. Now any time he wakes up I go to his room and try to get him back to sleep. I offer him his water which is always in his crib at night. I try to calm him down without picking him up. All this usually works… eventually.

Anyway the other night, my son is up and crying. I go to him and whisper “I am here, I love you, I hear you.” Then I wait. I pat his back and wait for about 10 minutes until he lays down again. I wait until he is sucking his thumb and his eyes seem heavy. Then I whisper “Laila tov” (good night) and leave.

I close the door and walk a few steps down the hall…

He is up crying again.

Sometimes I see if this is just a few seconds worth of crying, whereas I won’t go back in. But this continued on for a few minutes so again, I went in.

“I love you. I hear you.” Pat the back. Lay down. Calm. “Laila Tov.” Leave.

Crying…

Ok it’s happening again. Maybe he needs a diaper change.

So for the third time that night I walked back in. “I hear you Franky, I am going to check your diaper.” Nothing there. That’s when I realized, in my exhausted state, that maybe I’m not saying the right words. But I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed.

That’s it! Just be authentic.

“Franky I love you. I am going back to my bed to sleep and you are going to sleep here in your bed. Laila Tov.” I didn’t wait until he laid down and was about to fall asleep. No. I spoke the truth, I said what I wanted to do and what I had hoped for him to do. I turned around and left. I went back to bed.

And so did he.

Could it have been coincidence or was it really magic? Did he need to hear where I was going to be when I left the room or was it just third-time-is-a-charm syndrome? Was he simply exhausted from crying for the third time? I have no idea! I am kind of hoping it was because of my words…

Well the next night, sure enough, in middle of the night he woke up crying. Here is the opportunity to see if my words mean anything. 

So this time, the first time going in, I whispered “Franky I hear you. I’m going back to my room to sleep and you are going to sleep here. Laila tov.”

And that was it. He went back down until the morning. (so did I!!! yay)

This happened a few more times this week. Every time I said the same honest sentence, with confidence. Every time he listened to me and went back down for the rest of the night.

Could it have been coincidence each time? Who knows? No one can truly know exactly what was going on in my son’s head. I choose to believe in the power of words.

And it isn’t just that I was speaking words, it’s that I was speaking them honestly. During the day my husband is sometimes in awe of how I ask my son to do things and he listens to me. That’s because when I talk to him I do so with the confidence that he is listening.. and then he does.

Yet people still think babies or young children can’t hear our words. People think that when my son lifts his legs up for me to change his diaper, or throws his napkin away after eating, or stands aside when someone is opening the gate, that it is all just luck. I got lucky with a ‘good’ baby. You know parents that practice respectful parenting hear that a lot… hmm…

But maybe, just maybe, treating your child with respect means communicating with them authentically and trusting them to listen. We all know communication is key to any healthy relationship. So it only makes sense if you want this type of relationship with your child, and better yet if you want your child to develop healthy and respectful relationships with others, all you have to do is talk to them.

Tell them what you are going to do before doing it. Talk them through changing their diaper so they can participate. Ask them to decide which foot to put through the pajamas first. Tell them why you are stopping them from doing something. Ask them to participate in their own life. Just talk to them. 

People, no matter how young their age, are still people. When you do things to them without saying something, without asking for participation, you are simply objectifying them. And this is what I see all the time. Parents objectifying their kids because they don’t believe their kids are worth being spoken to with respect. “Oh she is just a baby, she’s fine.”

The thing about respectful parenting is remembering that the thing we teach our children the most, is ourself. So be your most authentic self. Speak honestly. Treat with respect. Trust. This is what you are teaching your child to do. This is who you are teaching your child to be.