In my last post I went on and on and on about how I struggled as a new mom. It all changed when I found something called RIE. As I try and explain my discovery and initial exposure to this new idea, please remember that:

I do not have a PhD in child development.

I do not have a PhD. period.

I am not trying to preach.

I am not RIE certified.

I do not claim to have all the answers.

Here we go…

RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educators. It is a philosophy of treating babies and toddlers with trust and respect, founded by Magda Gerber.

*When I first found it I was saying out the letters, R-I-E. However, this is pronounced RIE like rye bread. This normally wouldn’t matter but when I began taking RIE classes I realized I was saying it wrong, and wish someone in any of the hundreds of blogs I read about it had mentioned how to say it.

I stumbled upon RIE through articles from Janet Lansbury, a RIE certified teacher who has been writing about it for many years and helping families through her podcasts and books. Several moms in the mommy group I joined on Facebook kept referring to this Janet Lansbury whenever someone posted a question on discipline. I finally gave in and started reading her stuff. WOW. I was reading her articles all day and night because I couldn’t get enough of this RIE stuff.

The principles of RIE are simple:

1. Respect

2. Trust

3. Baby-led play

4. Minimal intervention

   • parent as observer

Look familiar? If there was ever a parenting philosophy that matched my teaching style, my personality, and many of my own ideals, this was it. It was about treating babies as whole people, respect, open communication from the start, and facilitating “a-ha” moments!

And it was different. SO different than anything I had ever read before. It was different than what my husband and I were doing for 7 months with our son. But I didn’t care. One thing my mentor teacher taught me regarding ever enforcing a new idea, philosophy, or discipline into the classroom, was that it was never too late and you could start any day. Kids are adaptable. INCREDIBLY adaptable. So even though I had not used RIE for 7 months on my little one, I was going to start, NOW.

What did this look like?

Well I begin with the simplest ideas behind RIE. The idea of open communication. Even babies deserve to be communicated to with respect. So guided by the words of Janet Lansbury, who herself has been guided by Magda Gerber, I began asking Franky if I could pick him up, before scooping him up off the floor. I felt silly, for sure. And at first I was skeptical that he would even hear my words. But sure enough, after a few days of first asking him and also pausing, the pausing is very important, he began raising one of his arms. This was his way of saying, “I hear you, and yes, you may pick me up”. He did not always do this, and I had to respect that as well. After all, if I was going to ask him, then I have to be ok with him saying no.

I didn’t always ask him though. There are times (changing diapers, leaving the house, going to bed, etc.) where I needed to pick him up and couldn’t afford him saying no. These times, I simply told him “I am going to pick you up.” I still paused, to let the words sink in and let Franky have the opportunity to get himself ready physically and emotionally, before scooping him up.

The channel of communication has been opened, and it felt wonderful.

 

 

The next idea I took on was allowing babies to struggle. RIE believes in babies as capable beings. This means I, as the parent, need to learn to step back and watch my baby, trust that he can do certain things, and intervene only when necessary.

So only after a few days of discovering RIE, I was tested with my first opportunity to let Franky struggle. My son was playing in his room, and I was trying to sit and observe him without really intervening or distracting him from his own play. He was up on his knees, digging around the items on the lower shelf of his changing table. He found one of those diaper genie bag refill rings.

After playing with it a bit, he had thrown it up and it landed underneath the lower shelf of the changing table.

In the past, Franky has tried going under his changing table, but the soft shelf had a bar holding it up that was too low and he was never able to crawl with his head that low before. He saw the ring and kept trying to reach it, to no avail. My first instinct, as with most mothers, was to reach under and get it for him. I remembered RIE. More so, I remembered what Mrs. Shuter would do.

So I let him struggle.

He tried and tried for a few minutes to reach the ring. He then looked at me and let out a few cries. I told him that I saw and I knew how frustrating that must be. He looked back and kept trying to crawl forward but kept hitting his forehead against the bar.

He looked at me again with a few cries. Again, I calmly acknowledged his frustrations, “I can see how difficult this is, but I have seen you do difficult things before.” (this was true)

All the while, of course, I am fighting the urge to simply FIX the situation. It would have been so easy, SO easy, to just get the ring for him. But for years I stood in front of my students with that same urge. It would be SO easy for me to simply teach equations and how to solve problems, having students copy them down in their notes. (after all, that is how all of us learned in school) But the feeling of figuring things out on their own, that aha moment, was the best feeling in the world. 

My years of doing this allowed me to fight that motherly urge and, not take away my son’s possible accomplishment. He tried again and again to crawl with his head lower and lower. Then it happened. He lowered his head almost to the floor and scooted forward, underneath the bar. He was under the changing table. He had the ring in his hand. He was playing with it. He turned around and seamlessly ducked his head back under the bar. He was free, ring in hand!

I wish I could tell you he turned to me saying “look what I did mama! I got the ring. YAY”. Well of course an 8 month old wouldn’t be able to do that. Nor did he even glance in my direction. But that was ok. There doesn’t need to be a celebration. The lesson happened, and it happened organically. He saw something. He persevered. He struggled. He succeeded. And I didn’t take that away from him by getting the ring myself. Additionally, now anytime a toy goes underneath his changing table or couch, I see him lowering his head and scooting forward to retrieve the item. He was able to learn this about his body, because I had let him.  

It was such a beautiful moment for me as a mother, as a teacher, as a human seeing another human.

You see, RIE points out that everything we do, everything we are, is a constant model to our children. If I got that ring for him, what message does that really send? I am saying to my 8 month old:

• You are not capable of trying this on your own
• I do not believe in you
• Objects in this world get stuck, and ‘magically’ unstuck
• You need me to fix things for you

I don’t want my son thinking these things. Do you?

 

People really think babies are incapable, but how could I after what my baby just did?

People think babies don’t understand our words, but my son already eradicated that belief within a few days of me asking to pick him up.

The beauty of struggling, babies can learn it too!

Maya Angelou once said “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

I was trying to be the best for my son. But then I found RIE. And now I am going to be better.