When your child does something ‘bad’, how do you react? What do you say?

The power of our words is huge when we believe in a respectful relationship built on communication. But it is not only what we say but how we say it.

Depending on the words we use and our tone, we can either be punitive in the way we interact with our little ones, or instructive. Considering these people are still learning who they are and how to be in the world, being instructive will go a lot farther.

For example, using the phrase ‘thank you’ can change the dialogue when you feel like your child is really testing you. 

Thank you for letting me know you really want that. You cannot have that because…

Thank you for letting me know this is too much for you to do, I am going to pick you up now…

Thank you for letting me know you need my help right now.

Thank you for showing me how you feel. I understand. 

Using this phrase, we instantly change our mindset. Instead of thinking ‘what are you doing!?’ or getting angry that our child isn’t listening, we take their actions as a call for help. We take their behavior as a signal that they do need us. Saying a phrase like something above is more of a reminder to us, the adult, that our child is telling us something. They are not trying to be bad just because.

This phrase, thank you, can also be used at the end of our own sentences instead of ‘ok’. This is something my husband and I struggle with a lot with. We will often tell our son, “I am going upstairs to flip the laundry, ok?” But why am I adding the ‘ok’? Am I really asking my son’s permission? Of course not. I am going upstairs. That is definitive. I am simply letting him know so he doesn’t worry about where I am and knows I am coming back.

Simply stopping to say the last ok is tough to do. So sometimes instead we can say thank you. It’s a temporary fix for our mind which still wants to add that last phrase. “I am going to the bathroom, thank you.”

Our word choices mean also giving options rather than demands. I described the idea of indirect commands here. Saying something as easy as

“Can you move by yourself or do you need my help?”

Either way, the child has to move. There is no option to opt-out. However instead of demanding “move out of the way!”, we are providing the choice. We can go further by first stating what we observe:

“Someone is at the door and wants to open it, you are sitting next to the door.”

Pause… this may be enough for your child to move. Wait and see. Children are incredibly logical thinkers. Give them a chance. And if not, no biggie, no reason to increase our volume or get angry. Just continue with “Can you move out of the way yourself or do you need my help?”

Children raised with respect will balk at disrespect and it’s very easy for adults to disrespect and disempower children. It is easy to disempower them by not acknowledging their needs. But our phrasing can fix this. 

A child is hitting. We do not ignore this. We say, “You really need to hit. Thank you for letting me know. I cannot let you hit another person, I have to keep everyone safe. Here is a doll (hand them a doll) that you can hit.”

The point is that we are not disempowering the need the kid has. We are not punishing the kid for having this impulse. We are instructing them how to safely carry out this impulse. We are taking their action as a sign for help, not a symptom of the terrible twos.

If you constantly disempower kids, they will find another way to seek out this power. This is why people label toddlers as ‘terrible’. They are constantly seeking out the power that is constantly taken away from them. This is why redirection and acknowledgment is key. We are not reinforcing the behavior. Our words are clear. It is just how we say it that makes the difference in the parent-child relationship.